The last few steps towards my recovery

After a fair amount of posting and purging today I decided to do something I was putting off that I attributed to trauma bonding.

I deleted the only two messages left on my phone from my N. They were messages left before I left the relationship, yet I could not seem to get rid of them. When I dialed in to retrieve them I had to hold the phone away from my ear as they played so as not to listen to his voice. When each message ended and I could hear the voice of the automated menu I hit the proper key to delete one message after the other. That felt really good and I felt strong.

Even though I initiated NC I had never blocked his number. Again, the trauma bonding and hope that he would try to reach me one last time. I never planned to answer if he indeed would call, but I felt if he called it would give me that smug feeling that he missed me…….so not true I’m sure. I kept telling myself I would block his number when I felt strong….well today was the day! I blocked his number and officially put him out of my mind. I felt it was like I had the funeral when I ended the relationship, but I just have not buried him until today.

I do not have any fears that he will suddenly show up on my door step or even change his cell number. He’s much too lazy to put himself out and to actually think of someone besides himself. He may try calling from someone else’s number, however I typically do not take calls from any numbers I do not recognize. Besides I’m sure he’s already charming his next victim. I was a mere blip on his radar while he was bored and needing his ego boosted.

I’m not naive, I know there will be some residuals while I heal and recovery takes longer than a short three months, yet I truly feel stronger than I have in awhile. Time to prioritize myself and meander amongst the living again:)

This site and everyone’s support has truly helped me get to the goal-line. Thank you, thank you, thank you!