How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Out of Relationship- Still Confused

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    • April 11, 2021 at 9:29 pm #65629
      texansurvivor
      Participant

      I was with this guy for almost five years. He definitely started with the love bombing 24/7. I had never heard word like that before and he was always texting me, always wanting to see me. He continued with the flattery almost throughout. He was a mess when I met him. His life had fallen apart when his wife finally left him after the latest affair. So his marriage was over after 15 years and he wasn’t seeing his three kids regularly. He didn’t have regular work. (I know- a real gem). I loaned him so much money of the years. And in the last year or so he was finally earning good money- more than me. Yes he never made the slightest effort to pay me back. Instead he was buying himself nice clothes, watches, pipe collections, nice stuff for his house, expensive Christmas presents for his kids. When I mentioned anything, he would start attacking me. Now I see that he was always lying. I tried to end things six weeks prior and he asked to see me again that very night and every day after. Then, six weeks later he left me for someone else. Three days later, she posted that they were Facebook official. He didn’t express rage with me, he didn’t call me names. But he was nitpicky and most definitely used me. And was ALWAYS pushing my boundaries. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and EVERYTHING was my fault. I was never going to be enough even though I paid for everything, drove him everywhere, dropped everything to help him. And yet he did nothing at all for me. All the while his words were so sweet and amazing. It has been the most confusing and strange thing I have every experienced.

    • April 12, 2021 at 2:08 am #65630
      sept4
      Participant

      Hi Texan, yes we have all experienced that same confusion. The psychological term is cognitive dissonance: two conflicting beliefs. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

      These men present as this amazing person who loves you SO MUCH but then he lies cheats and steals until you’re depleted and then he will discard you and move onto the next woman without a care in the world.

      The way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance and clear up your confusion is to realize that the amazing guy is a scam. A mask. A facade. A con designed to reel you in and bond you to him so he can start using you and abusing you until he’s taken everything or gets bored and then he will discard and replace you. The second guy is his real self. The first guy is a fraud just to trap you.

      I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you got away from him and that at least you were not married and don’t have kids with him. You can recover and move on without lasting ties to this terrible person.

    • April 12, 2021 at 8:10 am #65633
      texansurvivor
      Participant

      It’s been 7 weeks since he ended it. And 6 weeks of no contact, thankfully. I get frustrated thinking about the way he’s probably talking about me to the new woman. The early weeks were terribly difficult. No sleep, no eating, nightmares, night sweats and then chills. The first week of thr breakup that we were still in contact, he keot telling me how hard this was for him and how much he missed me and he was thinking of me all the time (even though he was already with her and we both knew it).
      About a month before the breakup he sent me a post of a $3k dog that we wanted to buy. And I said something gently about how that felt a bit disrespectful considering the amount of money he owed me. He retorted back that we was just looking and the only reason he needed a dog was because he was SO lonely (my fault).

    • April 12, 2021 at 5:01 pm #65638
      harry1997
      Participant

      Hello,
      I’m literally experiencing something incredibly similar at the moment as well. I’ve just posted on the forum about my experience over Easter with my sociopath Ex of 5 years. The responses and comments on my feed might help you as well because we both sound like we’re going though something so familiar!
      I met my ex five years ago at work and started dating him within about two months. He was charming, fitted into the family and made efforts to keep me happy. But it didn’t take long when the lies started. He was seriously overweight when I met him and he would play on his ‘low self esteem’ for me to always make him feel better and assure him I wasn’t going to leave. He lied about being ill and even moved into my family home after he used to cry about being unhappy at his own place.
      Overtime, he managed to steal and con me and my family out of money to feed a 8 year gambling addiction with over 10 loans and over £250,000 worth of debt. The lies related to this was unbelievable but eventually I found out after he’d cleared my bank account and found him constant hiding his phone. I tired to help him with sorting out his finances and help
      with his addiction. Once the gambling was improving (as far as I knew it was), I helped him loose weight by joining him to the gym and tired helping him rebuild his self worth. However, a few weeks after he started the gym, he started becoming more confident and then out of no where,he finished with me and completely washed his hands of me over night. No remorse, no tears and 100% determined and strong on his decision. I was distraught and in a state of shock as it was so unexpected and I couldn’t believe that after 3 years of doing nothing but supporting him.
      After a while,we eventually got back together for another two years but In January 2021,he broken up with me again. The same ‘out of the blue’ experience and with hardly any explanation and left me with such confusion because I thought we were doing good and thinking of moving out together. We had no contact for a while and he moved job but then asked if we could hook up and still found me attractive. I thought being intimate might get us back together and make him change his mind. I met him once and then again and then it became an every weekend thing. Anyway,last weekend on the Saturday, I went over to see him in the morning as usual. The same night at 1AM,I had a text from him saying he’s sorry but he just uses me for sex and he’s ‘really bad’. On the Sunday, I went online and there were photos taken with him and another girl with another couple out tandem biking on the Friday. He says they’re just friends but I don’t believe him. I have no idea how long this has been going on but I feel sick with hurt and I cannot believe someone is capable of doing this to me after EVERYTHING I’VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH WITH HIM! I reacted and went over to tell his parents what had happened and although I was clearly very upset, he had the nerve to tell me that what I did by going over there was ‘unbelievably bad’. He has told lies to all of his friends about me
      (you can read my forum post about him keeping me separate from his friends for 5 years) but he’s more than likely told lies and horrible things to this new girl about me as well. I hate the feeling of this and can’t cope well being painted so wrongly and badly when all I ever did is love and support him.
      We’ve both clearly been used and hurt by these type of of people and so you are NOT alone and there is nothing WRONG with us. It’s just cruel abuse

      • April 12, 2021 at 7:58 pm #65645
        texansurvivor
        Participant

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I knoe you’re going to make it to the other side and be free of him and a his lies and deceit. They are liars and thieves. Period.

    • April 12, 2021 at 5:24 pm #65639
      Donna Andersen
      Keymaster

      texansurvivor – I am so sorry for your experience. What you described is classic sociopathic behavior. As painful as it is to admit, the guy was using you all along. It’s amazing how they can keep saying the sweet nothings while they are totally abusing us.

      The way to move forward is to first accept that he is what he is. He took advantage of you intentionally. He knew he was mistreating you, and didn’t care.

      Of course, this is not “acceptable” behavior. But he did it, because that’s what sociopaths do.

      There is nothing wrong with you. You were supportive, trusting and loving – in other words, a normal human being. He hijacked your support, trust and love. The blame always lies with him.

      • April 12, 2021 at 8:04 pm #65646
        texansurvivor
        Participant

        Thank you so much. I’ve been in weekly therapy and I’ve done so much homework. Rewriting experiences from the new sociopathic perspective. Rewriting things that he said to me that had to basis and acknowledging that they were lies (ironically most of these had to do with other women). I made a list of all the things he was. Liar, cheater, scammer, unsafe, etc. And then when I’d have a craving I go back and stare at that list. Or if I felt like texting I’d repeat, he’s a liar over and over again. I read The Psychopath Within, The Sociopath Next Door, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Narcissists and Toxic People and Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare. (To name a few) I feel like the research gives me life. It helps me understand what happened and what is still happening. I’m so very grateful for this space and all this support!

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