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Hello,
I want to share this story and possibly get some advice from people here as well.
To share a background, I’m 26 years old. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Although there were men who attempted to court me, I just didn’t feel like there was a spark with any of them. I’m a hopeless romantic too. I believed before that there is this one person who’s destined for me.
Last October 2020, I met this man on a Gaming app. I know that it might sound like a red flag for some already. I’ve been playing this game for years and it wasn’t until last year that I met him.
We started off as friends. He was very charming. He lives in another country away from mine. The communication was constant when we first met. We would text each other in the game all the time. I was so charmed by him because he was saying all the right things. I even thought that it was a fairytale because I can’t believe that a man like him would exist. He told me he wanted to quit the game but he would like to maintain our communication. And so we exchanged numbers and continued our communications outside the game. There were times when I felt like he was ignoring my messages but I still kept on messaging him. He would also call but we never had a video call. I have insisted but he would always have excuses. Like we have time. Or that he wants to in the future but not right now. He never told me the exact reason why he doesn’t want to. He also hasn’t told me his real name. I only know his nickname. BUt since I was really curious about him, I searched his number on the internet and found a name. But I didn’t tell him back then because I wanted him to be the one to tell me… He also gave me his account in the game. He said it was his gift. It was a strong account so I was very happy to have received it. But since he still has access, he would go into the game from time to time.
As the months progressed, I’ve started to notice the changes in his behavior. He is no longer that affectionate with me. He doesn’t remember the things that I tell him. He was like hot and cold in our interactions. There were a lot of times that I cried because I didn’t understand his behavior. But I held on to him because in my mind he’s ” the one” and I love him. So I held on even if things are now becoming miserable. Even when he would say mean words, I’ve always gave forgiveness.
Fast forward to September this year.. There were still times that we had fights but we would somehow make up. Until out of nowhere I’ve blurted out to him that I did this search about his name. He totally changed his behavior after that. He started acting passive. Things went spiraling downward. He was already hinting that he wanted to take back the game account.. and I admit that I acted defensive because I wanted to keep the account.. he changed the password and I no longer have access.
He recently also sent some messages that are very hurtful. Calling me a liar, a thief, a betrayer and someone who has caused him a lot of pain. I know I don’t deserve those kinds of words. Right now he is acting ok again in the game and flirting with other women as if I no longer existed..
I know there were a lot of red flags already that I should’ve not ignored from the start. My self-esteem is now very down because of all the things that happened. I am trying to move on but there are still times that I would remember everything and just cry so much.
How did you guys get through when you experienced letting go of a toxic person?
Hoping to hear from you 🙂
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I know how difficult it is to recover from a toxic relationship. Here are some tips to help you overcome this situation.
1. Please try not to have any contact with him.
2. Meditate as it gives you peace of mind.
3. Remember one thing that you deserve much better.
4. Accept the fact that there was a toxic relationship.
5. Make yourself a priority. -
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helenadeveraux – Wow – sounds like you have been “catfished”. The fact that you never met him (was it even a “him??”), that he never told you his real name and became irrational when he discovered you searched for it (you caught him in a lie!), that he “forgot” what he had said to you (signs he was doing this to others and got confused), that he ran hot and cold, sweet and awful, kind and miserable, gave you a gift then took it back and now is ignoring you — all signs that this “person” is not who you thought they were. Peterjoseph is right — get him OUT of your life. Go totally No Contact, even if that means leaving the gaming world for a while; block all your accounts, don’t even search online for him. He is NOT real. And yes, this behavior is extremely toxic and detrimental to your physical and mental health. You will get to a place where you will believe this, and start to recover. It takes a while to get back to your reality when you are sucked into someone else’s fantasy world. Keep reading the advice on this site — some very smart and savvy people on here. And take care of yourself. You ARE worth more than this and you only deserve the best.
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Hi Helen –
The other participants who responded were right on target, and have given you excellent advise. I wanted to address the fact that this is the first man ( if he was one, as Emille pointed out ), so your heart was wide open and innocent with no experience of this wierd psychological sickness of people who we call sociopaths. What you have described is that exact profile of the person you were involved with to a ” T”. So, it will be a very painful experience for you to go through. These predators just try to destroy beautiful people’s heart, love and happiness. This is what they do, and what has been done to you – not that you are destroyed at all- but that is their intent. The fact that he wouldn’t have a face time situation with you is very suspicious. He was definitely hiding something. It is one thing to be anonymous in different on line situations, because sometimes that is appropriate, but when you are developing a close intimate relationship, then it is completely inappropriate. Essentially, it is a blatant lie to do that. A lie by omission is still a huge lie. A truthful relationship would have been that you would have had on line face time, then it would progress to more and more real connections. Like meeting one another and talking to one another as a beginning. You said that he lives in a different country – of course, I don’t know what country you are from, but if he came from an Arabic country, I have heard stories about women who actually went there to get married only to find out that their husband had other wives because that is allowed there, and then once they were married, there were all these laws where women have no rights and they couldn’t even get away if they wanted to. In any case, there would be a million wierd circumstances that your ex could have been hiding. I am sorry that you are going through a heartbreak, and that you have been crying. This is what they live for – for some reason, they enjoy causing emotional anguish to others. It would be good if you could read books about sociopaths and about character disordered people, because that would give you a perspective and help you get disentangled from his toxicity. About what the others said, it would be best to get away from him in every way that he could have any further contact with you or to be in an environment where you have any exposure to him. So this would mean also having to not be on that gaming site. It might feel too much to bear, to have to have been so cruelly discarded, and then to also have to give up a game that has been a big part of your life and something you have enjoyed so much. I know how hard that is, because I had to do that myself, but it is the only way that you will be able to protect yourself from his on going abuse. Change your phone number too and any other way he could find you. Anyway, how dare he get all rejecting of you just because you wanted to know who he was! He is way off the chart of sociopathic behavior. I am sure that there are other gaming sites that you could be a member of and to have a new beginning. From what I know about them, is that you would need to have a developed skill to be really good at them, and it sounds like you are, so you will still have the skill to bring to a new game situation. It was actually a fantasy that he was creating for you, and it doesn’t even matter that it was on line, because even in the physical world, those predators set up a fantasy world with their love bombing, and so all of us survivors go through the very exact same scenario that you are going through. So please get some books on this subject and it will really help you with what we call ” your healing process “. Please continue to post with whatever questions or just anything you wish to get feedback about.
Blessings to you. -
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Hi Helen –
There are many really great books out there. For you to begin with, I would recommend “ Psychopath Free “ by Jackson Mackenzie. The reason is because age wise, he is more of your contemporary, and also his story is quite similar to yours. Different psychopath’s target others for different reasons – they always want something. But in Jackson’s case, it was a romantic type of abuse situation. That was what happened with you too – in terms of the heart break involved and all the triangulation and other manipulations that Jackson describes so well. He describes all the steps that psychopaths put you through, so that you can totally identify with his story and the basic patterns involved. Then he takes you through recovery steps and the processes you will go through with that explaining about the stages of grief and many different psychological glitches to avoid. Also, what is good for you is that he discusses how a person can get abused in the world of on-line social media, and how that can easily occur. He offers wonderful solutions and it is a truly healing book and experience. I often feel an amazement at how he could be so spot on about this whole psychological syndrome that gets so many people caught up into. So I am actually excited for you to read it ! if you do decide to do so – I’m very conscious of respecting other people’s free will. But I do believe that it would be perfect for you.
Blessings -
Hope you are doing well!
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