New here, Not even sure how to start this.

Kat0508: I am so sorry to hear about your involvement with this person. He sounds horrible – his emotional ups and downs, intermittent reinforcement and recurrent lovebombing, unreliability, gaslighting and his general treatment of you is so typical of these disordered sociopaths. I know you know the answer — Get Out Now! His latest ploy is using his daughter to play on your sympathies then making YOU out to be the manipulator — what a rotten tactic! Sadly he has his claws into you because of the baby and the marriage. You absolutely need to go and stay No Contact. Find a good attorney who understands the games this guy will play – the lies and manipulation and demands he will make – and be prepared for a fight. Obviously his child means nothing to him other than a means to an end – it would not surprise me to hear he has multiple marriages and or children he is hiding from you. For your own sanity and well being, avoid all contact. Change your locks, your phone numbers and block him on all social media. Be very careful though – these types can easily escalate and become dangerous, especially when thwarted. Keep reading the great advice on this forum and reaching out with questions. Wishing you peace of mind!

Hi Kat –
The first thing I would like to say is congratulations on your upcoming baby ! No matter what else goes on, a child is such a beautiful blessing and one that you can treasure and enjoy. In response to the issue with your separated spouse, here are my thoughts about that. By the way, I really liked the advise emilie gave you. In any case, it is also a blessing that your ex wants to be separated from you, which is half the battle in your favor already. So you need ( in my opinion ) to do your share to finish the relationship by going through an official divorce. At the same time, you can go No Contact to the extent that it is possible to do so. It would also be important to continue your education about sociopaths so that you can heal from the confusion of having had to deal with him as long as you have and to get fortified to know what to expect so you can protect yourself and your children from him. I am sure that there is information here at Love Fraud to know how to deal with him in regards to his legal rights concerning your baby. Perhaps email Donna directly and ask her where specifically to look for that information. She has an email address on the home page I believe, but I know it is posted. About your ex and your past relationship, he brought so much disorder into your life, of which all of us here know all too well about. It is upsetting and distressing and unnerving to anyone who deals with these character disordered people. In your case, because from what I understood from your post, you are a recovering alcoholic, and that takes a lot of personal strength to maintain your sobriety even in the best of circumstances. To have had his influence around you with his drinking was so bad for you, and I am sure with all his abuse of you in all the ways you described, he was intending on pushing you over the edge of what he thought you could deal with. Luckily you have your therapist, your church, your faith and those who support you, and now us here at Love Fraud. We are all behind you. So as I said before, find out the best way you can block him from your life in terms of what his legal rights are as being a father. Even so, if he does get to see the baby due to legal rights, you can perhaps find out what the exact parameters for that are, and then have someone else there like a relative and what the time limit is etc. As I said, you will need to research that. But I can say that you have no obligation to speak to him directly. I would start the divorce proceedings immediately because then they have emailing that you correspond through the court system. So try to get all of that in place – and at the same time enjoy all the happiness that goes into preparing for a new born. Don’t allow your ex to put a damper on your beautiful life that you have worked so hard to achieve. You have much to be proud of yourself about. You definitely have the strength of character to get up from this setback of your ex coming into your life, and you can continue in the great life you created for your son and now new to be baby.
Blessings

PS – if you respond to our posts or have any further questions, of which I love to reply, I just want to mention that I live on a mountain and have to drive into town to use the internet. And a snowstorm is supposed to be coming … just wanted you to know that if you do post, I will respond as soon as I am able. Thanks so much for sharing.
Blessings to you.

Hi Kat – I’ve been snowed in this whole time ! But anyway, I wanted to respond about your feelings of incredibly about how these people can be so obnoxious. Mira Kirshenbaum in her book about “ too good to leave, too bad to stay “ has a chapter about power, and a segment of that is called “ power – the dirty little secret “. What we don’t basically realize is how much the issue of power is involved in any relationship, because people have different priorities and different ways of seeing things. But the problem with those character disordered people is that they take power to a whole different level where instead of negotiating for what they want in relation to another person’s wants, – is that they are not concerned about any specific wants but instead are interested in having power. So they will actually set up situations so that they can “ win “ – however it is or whatever it is so that they can get their power “ fix “. So in my opinion, it is actually an addiction. And any way that the other person who is involved responds, it will just feed their addiction. They cannot have this sense of power unless there is another person to have the power over. It is different than other kinds of addictions because for example, drugs – a person can ingest which ever kind that they desire, and not necessarily involve anyone else. But with the craving for power-over, they need someone else. So that is why we need to go “ No Contact “. Because the mind games and other varying scenarios that they concoct are sometimes very subtle and we are just not versed in that mentality. As a matter of fact, people can go for years not having a clue about the power games being played on them. They usually just have this wierd feeling that things seem so wrong but can’t put their finger on what it is exactly in the more subtle manipulative cases. And in the blatant cases, there is all the trauma bonding that is involved so it is hard to escape. The whole delemna is just so foreign to most people’s life view. In any case, I’m so glad that you are now carrying on with determination and the thrill of welcoming a new little baby boy into your life and into the world. If you would like, I’d love to hear about all the updates about your pregnancy and the birth and anything you would like to share. Also, any questions or concerns are always welcome.
Blessings

Hi kat –
That is so great that you have been able to stand up to your ex. I would like to gently suggest that you would feel even better if you did not speak to him at all. If it is totally necessary to communicate, I think it would be protective for you psychologically to only do so via email. Text is still too close, I think. That will also give you needed emotional distance and you can also document conversations should you need them for the divorce or if your ex starts acting out or something like that. As far as my story goes – it has been written here on the forum under my name “ polestar “. Then more recently I shared about a relationship I had that I didn’t go into really originally because I was able to get out of it so easily. It occurred a long time ago, and my way of handling the situation was to move forward without looking back. But recently it caught up with me and all the emotions that I didn’t deal with came up with force. So I was having a difficult time and was posting about all of that. And to confuse things even more – most of the feelings were of deep love. He had cheated on me unbeknownst to me for a long time – which was the problem, because I thought other than that, he was terrific. But going back and more currently dealing with all the past issues caused me to realize that he really wasn’t as wonderful as I believed him to be. I had had rose colored glasses firmly in place. So I needed to get through a lot of denial to get clarity etc. I finally feel very well now, but the whole process was extremely difficult. To tell you the truth, I have this happiness of feeling that I achieved something significant. And I am so grateful for those who have shared their knowledge and support in so many different ways, including books. I know I could never have gotten through all I have without them. So I too encourage and support you and believe in you.
Blessings

Kat0508 – Hello – sorry for the delay in responding to your post – I enjoyed a much-needed Christmas vacation.

I know this is difficult to accept, but I am confident that the guy is a complete sociopath, and the best thing you can do is cut him out of your life. Yes, he is the father of your child, but he will never be the father that your child deserves. You are better off keeping him out of your life, and your child’s life. You may even want to not put his name on the birth certificate.

He will use the child as a way to control you forever. I recommend that you raise your child on your own, with the support of your family and church. Do not ask for or accept child support from him. Keep the situation out of the courts as much as possible, because if they order him to pay support, they will also allow him access to the child, which will be a nightmare.

Know that he took advantage of your vulnerability. That was his intention all along.

You have done well for yourself in maintaining your sobriety. It is a huge challenge to do that, and you met the challenge. So you are a strong woman. You’ll be a strong mother for your child.

Hi Donna, I had recommended divorce to kat, but Your advise is much better ! I completely agree with your point of view. So wise, knowledgeable and informative. So glad you explained it so that Kat can take your advise.
Blessings

Kat0508 – In my opinion, reaching out to the ex is worth a shot, although you’ll need to be prepared for whatever her reaction is.

Some exes are willing to help, and may have a lot of information that could prove useful. Some are even willing to testify, which will help you establish his pattern of conduct (if necessary).

Some exes are terrified and will not talk to you.

Some exes are still in love with the perp and will report back to him what was said.

You will have to evaluate the pros and cons of taking this step. it could be good – or it could be bad. But you never really know until you try.

Hi kat – good to read your latest post so as to be updated about what has been going on with you and your relationship. As always, you really do make strong decisions and choices and go to get help that you need, so I have great confidence in your ability to free yourself from this sociopathic person, who is trying to ruin your life. As far as contacting his ex wife – it seems that by doing that, you are trying to get validation that it really is him that is the problem, and that it is not you. I perceive this as that his horrible disrespect towards you has affected your sense of self trust. You know what his behavior has been and that it has been extremely abusive, but he has recently tried to turn the tables on you, to make it seem that you have been the disordered one. And it seems that you feel that if only you could speak to his ex, and she would tell you that he has treated her terribly too, and other wierd, unkind episodes, so then you would feel validated. There are some problems with that strategy though. For one thing, as Donna mentioned, results could come in so many varied ways that you could not predict. If the ex ended up not validating your ex’s problems, then you would have an extra layer of emotions to work through. And even if she came back to say that he was actually under it all, a “ good person “, you would end up doubting yourself all the more and no matter what she says it would have nothing to do with your own truth. She cannot be given the authority about what his character is. That would be to give away your own point of view and your own power. Better to let her come to you with questions etc. especially since you will not be married to him for long anyway. Also, it is important to realize that in many many cases, one person is targeted as the victim of emotional abuse, when others are not who are in the social environment, and so the victim is thus even more gas lighted because the perp seems great to others and so the other people just end up not being able to validate what has been really going on. Anyway, my opinion about contacting the ex is not to go kicking a hornet’s nest. Just by talking to her, regardless of what she may reply, she will inevitably tell someone else that you got in touch with her, and people will talk, and before you know it, it will get back to your ex, etc etc. I personally think that No Contact also means to have No Contact with their family, friends and contacts. But in any case, I am glad that you are able to move forward and that you have your therapist ( and us ) to validate that he is the one with the problem and to support you in getting away from him.
Blessings

Hi Kat – he is harassing you big time. It is actually a very long Hoover. That is what they do when either you have gotten free of them, or they see that you are in the process of becoming free. So, yes, he will lay on the guilt, and assume the victim position of “ oh, how can you do this to me, who has always been so loving to you etc etc. “ – when that is just a huge lie. But he will just keep on as long as you are resisting. But if you should give in, then he will have his claws into you again and the horror will begin all over again. The fact that you are communicating at all with him ( via email ) is very generous and though he can’t appreciate it. Not that I am supporting you in even that amount of communication. But I understand that you feel vulnerable due to being pregnant, and perhaps going No Contact completely would be too upsetting for you to deal with at this point. As I have said, you have been taking very strong and empowering steps and you know best how to proceed considering especially your pregnancy. But I would like to support you in not backing down about your email only stance. I am putting you in the light.
Blessings

PS – that old “ let’s be friends “ is one of the oldest plays in the sociopathic playlist ruses. Again, it is actually a Hoover – but it has a lot of baggage attached. Because, “ let’s be friends “ sounds so reasonable and understanding of you and your space that it is difficult to see through. They can afford to put that out there because they were never a friend in the first place and do not have the capacity to be a friend. As Zari Ballard said in regards to this phenomenon, in the end the only one bringing any wisps of friendship will be you. But, he will use it once again to put guilt on you. How can you be so hard hearted and cruel not to even want to be friends? It all sounds so logical, but if you give in to that one, you will be pulled right back into the sociopathic mess.
Blessings