holiday romance led to 5 year nightmare

jonuk – I am so sorry for your experience. Yes, her behavior is typical of a sociopath – charm, lies, aggressive sex, boredom (which is why she’s always looking for new sex partners), lack of remorse. And unfortunately, your experience is typical of someone targeted by a sociopath – hurt, confused and addicted.

You are correct in that what you felt was addiction. She is an addiction that you need to overcome. You’ve taken the first step – No Contact. It is crucial to maintain No Contact. Do you see or communicate with her for any reason.

Next is to work on your recovery. The passage of time will help, but I think it’s best to intentionally take the steps necessary for emotional recovery. This means processing the emotions of your experience. You can do this yourself – you can let yourself cry, pound your fists, whatever feels appropriate (without injuring yourself or others). You can seek therapy – if so, find a therapist who understands these situations (not all of them do).

We have several webinars that may help you. We also have one on “EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” This is an alternative therapy that really works. It dissolves the chemical part of the addiction.

All Lovefraud Webinars

I invite you to continue posting. It helps to interact with people who understand, even if it’s just online.

Hi jonuk –
Yours is an especially difficult situation ( I think ) because your ex didn’t sound as though her main intent was to destroy you. Though she had many symptoms of sociopathy, I think perhaps she was a different type ( though this is just my idea from this moment because I actually never read about it before ) but the reason I am thinking this is because so many sociopaths use manipulations to abuse psychologically and their main intent is usually to take away the other person’s sense of dignity, self respect and deepest heart love. Your ex seemed more like she has a sexual addiction and a need of narcissist supply in the form of needing to feel special and desired and thus gain some sort of self worth herself. So she enjoyed having sexual relations with you and she also enjoyed you desiring her especially much by placing you in jealousy provoking situations. So know that she herself has a very difficult addiction to deal with. I think there are anonymous groups for sexual addiction that she would need ( not that you should place yourself in a precarious position in trying to help her – definitely not because it would only bring you more overwhelming problems – No Contact is very important for you). But she did in actuality infect you with her addictive disorder, so that you now have to climb out of it. I think for you, it is not as deep of a problem as it is for her though, and you will be able to “ kick it “ with dedication, support and help. So, my suggestion is to join a sex addiction recovery group. Nowadays, they must have them on line. Compulsive thoughts about her are very understandable. Donna gave you good advise in her post for that. I also suggest to work with your thoughts directly. I don’t want to sound flippant, or not acknowledging how difficult it is to have yourself obsessing about her, but I do want to mention finding an affirmation book and working with your mental processes with affirmations. It seems simplistic, but affirmations can definitely be a powerful tool to transform your life. Please post whenever you wish to get support for what you are going through. We are all here helping one another.
Blessings

Many sociopaths are extraordinarily interested in sex – it may be all they really want in a relationship. Her lying and lack of remorse are additional traits that may indicate that she has a personality disorder.

Also, some sociopaths are out to destroy their targets, but certainly not all of them. My sociopathic ex did not want to destroy me, just take my money. When the money was gone, he was gone. Others are just lazy parasites.

In the end, though, the precise diagnosis doesn’t matter. This woman is bad news. She has damaged you. You are correct to put her out of your life. Now it’s time to work on your recovery.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Donna Andersen.

Hi jonuk –
On the light side – at least you got the “ stamp of approval “ that you are a good lover ! But really, once I was in a relationship and the guy was the most terrible one I ever had sex with or could imagine it could be so. I stayed with him anyway, hoping that we could have other endearing qualities to be developed together. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen either. But looking back, I think that sex definitely is significant and I think that I should not have tried to overlook that important part of the relationship. Anyway, thanks for being open to my suggestion in regards to your ex’s problem ( one of them anyway ).
Blessings

Hi jonuk –
Cognitive Dissonance was a big problem for me especially in a relationship with a very special one who was so highly regarded by one and all, plus I could sincerely see many wonderful qualities that he had. So it made it very very difficult for me to reconcile realizations that I had been treated so poorly after having been in denial about the treatment for a long time. But when I finally “ woke up “, and was able to perceive the truth of the abuse, the cognitive dissonance hit hard. Anyway, the way I was able to get around it ( plus, when it still comes up from time to time ) – the way I could step out of that cognitive dissonance trap is by saying “ but for me “ statements – such as, “ he may be a wonderful person, but for me, he is very destructive “ or other such statements. So for example, you could say something about your ex like, “ she may have had the ability to manipulate desire, but for me, sex with her and her lack of caring, did not bring love into my heart or into my life. “ ( if that statement is true for you ). But you might want to think of another, “ but for me “ statement. Anyway, making those statements has been very empowering because it brings back our own truth and our own reality to ourself rather than letting it be as though galloped away with someone else.
Blessings to you

Wow! You got a special kind of psycho with her. She actually was open about her cheating!! Most of us had do endure random, unprovoked fights so our partner had an excuse to be away to cheat. Every single time it left me scratching my head wondering what the hell caused this fight, and being devastated that someone I was so deeply in love with and pictured the rest of my life with had left me again. I can still hear the echo in my head, “every time we move one step forward you cause us to go 3 steps back!” Usually I was standing up for myself and expecting to be treated well. What nerve I had!

I can only echo what Donna and Polestar have said is so important, NO CONTACT! I was so devastated and depressed when the final break up came that I had days of not getting out of bed. I began reading just about everything I could get my hands on about sociopaths, narcissists, etc. I read literally word-for-word so many things I had been told over the year and a half I was with that man that I sobbed uncontrollably wondering HOW could this book have been written about my life!!
The jackass nearly destroyed my relationship with my oldest daughter because he schmoozed her, and he married someone else across the country just 8 weeks after leaving me. I thought the final breakup had me at the absolute lowest but there was basement beyond lowest that news sent me to. He told mutual friends they met on line after we split. I don’t believe it for a second! He actually had the nerve to get up from the couch one night because we were sitting right next to each other, turn his back to me to answer a text and then sat back down with a huge grin on his face. Usually he told me who he was texting with so I had every reason to believe he was cheating – again – but didn’t dare confront him out of fear of the rage it would trigger followed by his walking out. Again.

He always treated me differently depending on the audience. If he could use my education/career/stature in the community to make himself look good he didn’t hesitate to brag. That was usually to other men and he would stand close to me. If other women were around that were potential conquests, he maintained his distance and made sure to declare that we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend or dating, we were “friends”. Symantec’s with him were ridiculous!

For over 2 years after it ended, longer than the actual relationship, I was not mentally or emotionally healthy. I was participating in risky behaviors (read: a LOT of excessive drinking and one night stands) didn’t trust men and lived in so much fear that he would show up at my front door unannounced at any moment, that I ended up moving over 1100 miles away. I had so much rage inside me that if he had some how found me again I truly believe I could have killed him with my bare hands.

There were some good moments in those first couple of years, 1) I went to a good counselor who understood narcissistic sociopaths, and 2) I went on a singles cruise and heard many compliments that were completely the opposite of the degrading things I’d been told over and over. (I.e., my laugh was infectious, not too loud, and I had a great body vs always being reminded “you know I like thin” even though I was not only thin, I was extremely strong and toned because I was in the gym every day for nearly 2 hours!)

It was a long, slow process but eventually the anger subsided and I became very happy with myself and being alone should that be my lot in life. It has now been nearly 6 years since we split and I have been in a healthy, happy relationship for a bit over 2 years. I’m still affected by the damage the ex caused in that I don’t want to live with or marry again, and I don’t feel that deep, passionate love that I felt before I was so badly hurt and damaged. I love my new partner in that he’s very sweet, loyal, genuine, etc etc, but I just have a block about ever getting that attached to anyone again. We’re happy with what we have and I trust him completely!

You’ve been through a lot and it will take time to heal but healing will come. Know you’re not alone and it sounds like you’re already on a good path to recovery by recognizing the good times may not have been as good as they seemed and she has actually admitted to some of her faults and inability to have emotions coupled with sex. That’s definitely consistent with sociopaths. No one deserves what you’ve endured and I hope you heal swiftly and find happiness with someone with a good heart!

Hi needtoheal – what a kind and understanding post you wrote for jonuk. His situation as with all of us, is so emotionally deep, and I am sad to say that I only responded to the very overt aspect of cognitive dissonance, when there was so much more to empathize with – so I am glad that you were able to do just that. As far as your own story goes, I am so glad that you have found someone to share your life with that you have a compatibility with and who is a truly kind person. That is a true treasure. About your sociopathic ex – that story about his texting ( cheating on you ) as you sat right there on the couch shows how utterly disgusting he is and was. Thank heavens he is out of your life. I also liked how you noted that at least jonuk’s ex was honest with him about other men in her life. It was perceptive of you to put 2 and 2 together to figure out about his little argument drama to be able to go off on more of his cheating spree. Zari Ballard spoke of the very same thing that she also went through with her narcissistic ex ( in her book, “ narcissist free “ ) – about how her ex would suddenly do that exact same thing, cause all of this commotion and upset etc etc, so he could huff and puff out to disappear for however long he needed or wanted to be gone for his little secret life. But anyway, I am glad that after going No Contact, you found others who could appreciate your special qualities and help you overcome the deterioration of you self esteem, that those sociopaths are so good at destroying. Keep on growing into the knowledge of the beautiful person that you are, and know that one day, even the thought of your demented ex will be as a very faint wisp not even noticeable in your full and happy life.
Blessings

Hi Januk, maybe she has borderline personality disorder? That is in the same cluster of personality disorders as sociopathy but is more typical for women. From what I understand borderline women are extremely good at sex and sexual seduction and men quickly become addicted to them because it is the best sex of their lives.

If she has borderline and extreme sexual skills and she is 20 years younger, no wonder you became instantly addicted. A much younger women with extreme sexual skills is a dream fantasy for many men.

If you search online there are many men who have been absolutely devastated by relationships with borderline women. And in healing from their addiction they have had to come to terms with losing this extreme sexual pleasure. It is true that you likely will not experience that same extreme sexual intensity from a normal woman. That is something you will have to come to terms with and decide for yourself whether the extreme sexual pleasure is worth the psychological, emotional, and financial costs and risks of dating a disordered person.

I personally do not believe extreme sexual pleasure is worth that cost to your person and your life at all. But I know sexual pleasure is extremely important to men so I understand why men get addicted to these borderline women and are sometimes unwilling or unable to scale back to normal healthy sexual relations with normal healthy women.

Hi Jan yes that is consistent with the experience of other men with borderline women. The emotional instability and disordered behavior of borderline women increases the sexual pleasure and sexual attraction of their lovers. It is a common dynamic with borderline women.

Unfortunately yes I believe you will lose this extreme sexual attraction and pleasure when you “downgrade” to a stable normal healthy woman. Because stable normal healthy sex will also be pleasurable but never that intense excitement caused by a personality disorder. I think loss of that sexual intensity is a price you will have to pay if you date normal healthy women in the future.

Of course you do have a choice here. You could continue to date other borderline women to continue that extreme sexual intensity and pleasure. I do not believe that is worth the risks of dating disordered people but that is ultimately for you to decide.

Another aspect in your specific case might be the age difference. The most common age difference between couples is the guy being just a few years older. A 20 year age gap is uncommon and generally involves financial incentive for the woman. So unless you are wealthy and willing to provide young women with a luxury lifestyle, it might be hard for you to find a new partner who is 20 years younger.

So I think part of your devastation is the realization that you likely will not be able to replace 1) the sexual intensity and 2) the large age gap.

First, to Polestar, Zari’s book is one of the ones I read! I also exchanged some emails with her after reading it. Another little story about my ex cheating. Once he randomly disappeared for about a week. No fight or explanation. Then I get a call one day saying, “I know I love you because other women don’t turn me on.” First off, he rarely said “I love you” or “I’m sorry.” Secondly, I replied, “how would you know other women don’t turn you on unless you were trying to f*** someone?!” He answered, “well we weren’t together.” I was now FUMING and said “we weren’t together because you just left!” Mind you, we never lived together but we were always together because we were both retired by the age of 51 or 52, and he spent more nights at my house than not. But again, semantics/word salad and gaslighting were two of his specialties.

To Jonuk, I completely understand what you’re saying about your sex addiction to her! I also felt a sex addiction to my ex even though the sex wasn’t extraordinary. It was the same couple of things over and over. He prided himself on “sex every day” and like you, for me I was so in love with him and my emotions were tied to the sex. The “craziness” in our lives was that he kind of lived by the seat of his pants and everything was spontaneous. He would call and say let’s go to A. By the time he arrived to pick me up he say we’re not going to A, we’re doing B. Then on the way to B he’d change to C. At first it drove me crazy because I came from a very structured background where things were planned out and spontaneous didn’t happen very often. But I came to enjoy it and the excitement of it. We’d find some really fun places because we weren’t tied to structured plans. That excitement built my bond to him and carried over into the bedroom and MY deeply intimate feelings for him. However, it took me a long time to see that he never felt even close to the same. There were things he’d say that I took as joking around or masking his feelings about previous relationships that I should have taken seriously. Love is blind and I excused it away.

It’s difficult for those of us who have REAL feelings for other people to wrap
our head around how someone can pretend to have feelings just so they get the benefits they want whether that be sex, money, a cook, babysitter, etc. But I definitely empathize with your sexual relationship with her.

Another thing I wanted to add. I don’t know if you are religious or believe in the supernatural at all. But in mythology you can compare these disordered women to a succubus. A succubus or siren is a demon evil entity in the form of a beautiful young woman who preys on men and seduces men through sexual attraction. And ultimately destroys men with her evil powers. But the men are unable to resist their siren call because they are so beautiful and so sexually seductive.

Januk yes I think you are right that jealousy can increase sexual excitement and pleasure.

I’m aware of the sexual power of sociopaths and borderline etc disordered people from reading so much about the disorders. But strangely in my own experience with my sociopath ex husband I never experienced this. Sex with him was mediocre and I never really enjoyed it much even in the beginning of the relationship because there was no emotional connection. Sex with him was a dissociative experience because there was no connection at all and it was like he was just using my body to basically masturbate.

It was strange and I don’t know why he had no sexual power over me. I think he has a Madonna-wh*** complex where he wanted to marry an innocent naive woman just for show to parade around while meanwhile getting his actual sexual pleasure from sex with wh***s on the side (literally as he was paying for sex).

Januk yes I understand and this is a very difficult situation for you. You are very vulnerable because you are lonely and probably going through withdrawals from your addiction to her.

Just be aware that she might sense your vulnerability and try to reel you back in with sex to toy with you some more. Then you will have to make a choice whether to give in to your addiction and sexual desire or whether to stand firm and uphold your personal values of integrity.

A very hard choice to make as it will be very difficult to resist her when she comes back to you for sex. Just keep the mythical image of the siren in mind who causes men to shipwreck in pursuit of her seduction.

Jonuk, she admitted she was having sex with other men too so finding it certainly wasn’t an issue for her. The reason she keeps all the men around her like puppets is because of the sociopathic need for power and control. My ex didn’t want me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either! So every time he was gone for a while I’d get some random text accusing me of being with some other man. I know he was driving by my house spying on me because during a break up I had a good friend from high school visiting me from out of state and she borrowed her mother’s car while she was in town. I got a text talking about the car in my driveway. There is no pleasing these people.

It’s a means of filling their own empty shell of how many friends, sex partners – whether they’re using them for that at the time or not – it’s a way of making themselves feel important and seem important to others. My ex was a
constant “one upper” to everyone. He knew everyone and has done everything.

This is why NO contact is so important. Make sure you block her so she can’t call or text and avoid places you’d be most likely to run into her.

Hi Jonuk, don’t beat yourself about it. It happens. In fact it happened to many of us, perhaps all of us. We have that belief or fantasy about what we think life could be, or they seem to have changed when in reality they cannot change.

It’s good you recognized your anxiety! And quickly! Part of the reason you did so is because her absence from your life gave you time to have a calm, normal life. I experienced this last year when a family member with a drinking problem had to stay with me temporarily and she triggered anxiety that I had not felt since I kicked her out about six months prior. I did so because of her excessive drinking, anger, and unpredictable mood swings. When she stormed through my living room, kicking something out of her way or getting angry because a power cord was too short I noticed my feelings like an elephant in the room because I had not had that feeling for several months that she was out of my house.

You ARE on the healing path! It’s good you’ve recommitted to your practice of no contact. Hang in there, use your support systems, and life WILL get better and happier!

Hi jonuk – it is so nice to read your latest post because I was wondering how you were doing. What happened to you is called a “ hoover “ when the narcissist ( or whatever description you want to call them ), suddenly shows up again to reinstate themselves in a person’s life, and thus to start the whole sick relationship with a “ restart “. What often happens in this kind of scenario is that usually the person is not aware of the “ hoover maneuver “, so they are caught completely off guard without the necessary emotional or educated tools to deal with it. Then there are all of the unresolved issues which they have longed to bring to closure to which makes them susceptible – and another vulnerability is that they hope that their dreams of how they wish it all could have been can have a new chance to happen. You mentioned that your prime motivation was to have sex with her. The problem with that is that when you pull the tail of the cat, you get the whole cat ! I hope that you were making good progress in your healing while you were in No Contact with her before she did her hoover. As ‘need to heal’ was saying, it happens and we just need to pick ourselves up and get back to what we were doing – namely, to heal, move on, and find our joy and happiness once again. Another thing that I want to mention is that it often happens that when we have come a long way and have really been feeling good and strong, we don’t realize that those narcissists do have a sick kind of power, and can still bring so much hurt and pain if we allow them to be in our lives even in any small way. I personally think that they enjoy destroying other’s well being, self esteem and love. So the best thing to do is just to turn your back on them and that type of person and surround yourself with those who can really love you and bring out the best in you.
Blessings to you

Hi Jonuk, I’m no expert but have read up on borderline PD. It resonates with me and this lady appears to have something similar going on. I can’t comment on her sexual nature only to say that when I met my person he appeared very insecure. The build up to our relationship was very intense, hot and cold, back and forth, and when it became physical I showed a side of me I never knew existed. I was, because of his ‘I’m insecure and you’re so beautiful’ comments, found myself being very forward with him. I think it was because of the very intense feelings and heightening of chemicals.
I never loved anyone like him, but slowly started to see red flags which I chose to ignore, often finding invalidated reasons in myself and making excuses for him.
Indeed when I suspected, and later came to know he had someone else on the hook, he blamed me saying he thought I was playing him (like it’s a good enough reason) I let it go, fought harder to show him how much I loved him. Anyone who was not groomed and addicted would have walked away at that but I couldn’t.
I too spent my entire life between feeling these euphoric yet excruciating feelings on a constant basis. I couldn’t think of anyone but him. He would text me things which meant no sense, tell me ‘last night was lovely’ when we hadn’t been together and all that confusion was constant.
Constant remarks which referred to someone else, but I was so totally gone on him that I even chose to believe he was doing it on purpose to provoke me, because I reasoned that would in some sick way be better than there being someone else and I was allowing myself to be duped.
I understand your confusion totally. I know how hard it is to suddenly stop something which has been the only thing you can think about.
What I’d like to say is that whilst you feel you are in love with her, please read all you can on trauma bonds, and I found a good read ‘the borderline waif’ by Shari Shreiber. Although mine was male I saw many scenarios in there and saw lots of light bulbs switch on

I’m not saying it will leave you able to walk away. That may take a while, but from my experience the longer you go without contact and keep reading those addictive feelings do lessen.
The reason it’s been so long for me is that I allowed him back in my life after a two year gap of feeling bereft without him, knowing I shouldn’t but being scared to death I’d never see him again…all that got me was being taken all the way up and then ghosted for 8 months but every time we bumped into each other he behaved like we were still a couple. He’d still be sexually aroused and future fake on false hopes. He still swears he loves me to this day but won’t contact me because he is with someone and scared she’ll find out.

In short he likes to feel that I’m always there, the one who puts up with anything.
This lady will keep you dangling for as long as you let her. For as long as you want to believe her love for you is the same as yours for her.

We were both married, I was the one who would have given my life for him. He unfortunately was all talk and fantasy. Only coming back when everything else was sour and disappearing when it was rosy again…I have only myself to blame.

Please don’t waste your life on someone who probably thinks admitting to other men is being honest. She doesn’t value your feelings and is basically saying this is what you get, like it or lump it.
It is so easy to put yourself last but could you live a calm settled life with her?

Love is constant and both ways. It is serene and trusting and when you know you really love someone your heart doesn’t want anyone else. If it’s love, the thought of hurting that person is too hard to bear.

Hi Jonuk, I’m no expert but have read up on borderline PD. It resonates with me and this lady appears to have something similar going on. I can’t comment on her sexual nature only to say that when I met my person he appeared very insecure. The build up to our relationship was very intense, hot and cold, back and forth, and when it became physical I showed a side of me I never knew existed. I was, because of his ‘I’m insecure and you’re so beautiful’ comments, found myself being very forward with him. I think it was because of the very intense feelings and heightening of chemicals.
I never loved anyone like him, but slowly started to see red flags which I chose to ignore, often finding invalidated reasons in myself and making excuses for him.
Indeed when I suspected, and later came to know he had someone else on the hook, he blamed me saying he thought I was playing him (like it’s a good enough reason) I let it go, fought harder to show him how much I loved him. Anyone who was not groomed and addicted would have walked away at that but I couldn’t.
I too spent my entire life between feeling these euphoric yet excruciating feelings on a constant basis. I couldn’t think of anyone but him. He would text me things which meant no sense, tell me ‘last night was lovely’ when we hadn’t been together and all that confusion was constant.
Constant remarks which referred to someone else, but I was so totally gone on him that I even chose to believe he was doing it on purpose to provoke me, because I reasoned that would in some sick way be better than there being someone else and I was allowing myself to be duped.
I understand your confusion totally. I know how hard it is to suddenly stop something which has been the only thing you can think about.
What I’d like to say is that whilst you feel you are in love with her, please read all you can on trauma bonds, and I found a good read ‘the borderline waif’ by Shari Shreiber. Although mine was male I saw many scenarios in there and saw lots of light bulbs switch on

I’m not saying it will leave you able to walk away. That may take a while, but from my experience the longer you go without contact and keep reading those addictive feelings do lessen.
The reason it’s been so long for me is that I allowed him back in my life after a two year gap of feeling bereft without him, knowing I shouldn’t but being scared to death I’d never see him again…all that got me was being taken all the way up and then ghosted for 8 months but every time we bumped into each other he behaved like we were still a couple. He’d still be sexually aroused and future fake on false hopes. He still swears he loves me to this day but won’t contact me because he is with someone and scared she’ll find out.

In short he likes to feel that I’m always there, the one who puts up with anything.
This lady will keep you dangling for as long as you let her. For as long as you want to believe her love for you is the same as yours for her.

We were both married, I was the one who would have given my life for him. He unfortunately was all talk and fantasy. Only coming back when everything else was sour and disappearing when it was rosy again…I have only myself to blame.

Please don’t waste your life on someone who probably thinks admitting to other men is being honest. She doesn’t value your feelings and is basically saying this is what you get, like it or lump it.
It is so easy to put yourself last but could you live a calm settled life with her?

Love is constant and both ways. It is serene and trusting and when you know you really love someone your heart doesn’t want anyone else. If it’s love, the thought of hurting that person is too hard to bear.

I believe if you really believe you love someone wholeheartedly then giving yourself physically to someone else in my opinion is impossible, and may explain the erectile problems. The whole dynamics of this kind of relationship completely mess with your head and in turn your physical side too.
You have been enmeshed in a very toxic dynamic which affected every chemical and every human emotion (words my counsellor told me) and those feelings don’t just disappear when you read explanations. There’s a lot to process before you can feel good about yourself.
When mine used to pull back, which became a pattern after a few months of obsessive attention, I would feel dread, absolute fear because of the trauma bonds, but slowly and with time I just got to a point where I could think about myself too. When I thought more about what he was actually giving me anxiety, sleepless nights. Heartache and actual physical gut ache, in ten years not one trinket of affection for a souvenir, not a card on birthdays or holidays, I finally began bringing myself out of the fog. With each week and then months without contact I found I was slowly filtering other things back into my life and although certain things trigger me I have created my own way of putting him out of my head.
Time to heal yourself first. Maybe not trying too hard with someone else until your head is clearer when your mind really is with the one who’s present.
You will get there but only when you bring yourself away from what’s causing your pain.

Hi jonuk – awhile back you said something that I completely understood and experienced. You said that you wondered why we crave the one who hurts us so much. And about something you read explaining that it is because they invalidated us and so we want validation from them to repair the damage, only they can’t. That was so right on ( as they say ). I think it takes an enormous amount of will power to pull ourselves out of that whirlpool that sucks us under. Anyway, I am glad that you went out with someone else. Maybe try again, and just take it slower. Get to be emotionally close little by little – get to really know the person to be sure that you have things in common and to see how trustworthy they are exc. You can explain how you were hurt in the past and need to get to really know a person before any kind of sexual intimacy or something like that. Anyway, I want to really commend you again for moving forward.
Blessings

Hi jonuk – you articulated the issue so perfectly. And I believe that this is the very essence of what has made us so sick, and I believe that somehow they know how to play it. Without even have been taught. There is some inherent instinct. But in any case, this is the fight we must put our effort into within our own psychology. Finding again our worth and dignity and the feeling that we are beautiful and good. There is controversy on this site regarding the Jonnie Depp trial. And there are those who strongly disagree with me. But putting that aside for the moment, I think it would be very healing for you to watch the trial as it has been for many men because essentially Jonnie is putting himself on the line and exposing the horrible pain, torment and anguish he has endured at the hands of his ex wife. Who by the way was 20 years younger than he. That many men have felt very validated because he has come out of the closet to show that men can be the victims of domestic abuse. And not just women which is the common misconception. So whether it is actual battering, or the battering of the spirit, So many people ( both men and women ) have been feeling an incredible validation from him speaking out. This is not to say that he doesn’t have his issues like we all do, but there needs to be an acknowledgement that these narcissists are creating too much pain in too many people’s lives. It will help you to understand deeply that you are not alone and that you are participating in a great healing that is happening with so many around the world. If you haven’t be watching at all, I like the channel called “ popcorned planet “ on You Tube ( not popcorn planet ) and go back to the beginning opening statements etc and then watch Jonnie’s testimony on stand to begin with.
Blessings to you.

PS – I hope I haven’t opened a whole “ can of worms “ with other participants who disagree vehemently with me about the Jonnie Depp trial that is going on now !

Hi jonuk – Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ponder issues. I think you have come to an important realization – that we feel turned on not only because of someone else, but because if we feel really good about ourselves, we feel confident, happy, expressive and wanting to share in a physically intimate way. For example, who wants to get near someone at all who makes them feel just bla or not important ? It’s like a wet blanket thrown on a flame. As far as disordered people go – it seems that they have that love bombing technique “ down “. But then they can’t sustain it and resort to all kinds of games and manipulations to keep someone hooked – to keep them emotionally off balance, and roller coastered, and not knowing up from down and in a mess. Which leads to relationship addiction. But the initial hook was not the feeling of being anxious and upset – the initial feeling was being self confident and happy. And you would not have responded with passion in the first place if you didn’t have that self confidence already within – they gravitate to that, manipulate it, and I believe they enjoy destroying it. It takes so much education and communication with those who “ get it “ to finally break free of that sickening influence. Thanks so much for sharing.
Blessings

jonuk — I have been following your story on your relationship with this crazy-making woman and totally sympathize. Addiction is real and you have mentioned that you are definitely addicted to the sex – that you are incapable of being aroused with anyone else. When you have experienced mind-blowing sex, it is hard to settle for ordinary – and even harder when you are comparing the experiences. There is actually a name for this phenomena – “arousal nonconcordance” – when the physical and mental necessities for sex just don’t line up. Great article on this here: https://smokymountainnews.com/lifestyle/rumble/item/31868-when-physical-and-mental-arousal-don-t-align

The good news is – it is normal. Perhaps a few sessions with a counselor will help you disconnect from what she has done to you. Just because the sex blew your mind, you don’t need to lose your mind. Or your libido.

When you said: “the disordered person is not smart enough to understand all this. And so I don’t think she deliberately set out with the intention of employing certain techniques to hook and destroy me” it really resonated. I, too, believe that most sociopaths aren’t set on destroying us in particular. It takes a callous, uncaring, selfish person to declare their love then dump you for the next bigger better thing, but it takes a truly evil one to do this on purpose and with an agenda. Most sociopaths are not out to destroy you so much as use and discard you. You are just another bump on their road. They get their ‘kicks on route 66’, so to speak – with all sorts of roadkill and pitstops along the road. You were just one. There were others before you and will be more to come. You are left in the dust wondering what the heck just ran you over.

But – if a person sets out to purposely seduce and then destroy you – that’s a whole other highway. That takes planning, premeditation, willful malice and purposeful destruction. That’s a big rig running you over, then backing up to finish the job.

Most sociopaths don’t have the time or energy or motive to do that – they are just traveling through. The ones that do – well, those make the headlines.

I hope you can heal from this — and expressing yourself here certainly helps. Blessings to you.