How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › holiday romance led to 5 year nightmare
January 13, 2022 at 6:17 am #67096
I met her via online dating whilst on holiday 5 years ago. She is 20 years younger than me, well educated and charming. Before meeting we had a video call and agreed to meet for dinner. Then came a surprise. She asked if she could also stay the night with me. I couldn’t help wondering why she would ask to sleep with someone she had never met in person. However I agreed.
The next surprise was her unusual behaviour in the bedroom, I had never seen anyone act so forward. However I’d been single a long time and it felt so good that I even started falling for her that same night. In hindsight these were the first of many red flags.
We spent a month together and then I had to return home. But she called me on video every day, told me she missed me and asked me to return soon. This went on for about 5 weeks and then came the first bombshell. It turned out she had started a new relationship. This new boyfriend discovered our video calls and in a heated exchange made her message me to say good bye.
She called me 3 days later from a different phone to explain. I was angry and she was remarkably unapologetic. Then she asked if we could stay friends. I stupidly agreed. The truth is I was already addicted.
A month later, having already bought a flight, I returned to her country. I hadn’t intended to meet her but she messaged and suggested dinner. She was still in a relationship with the new guy and over dinner he called to enquire where she was. I’ll never forget her lying to him straight in front of me and telling him she was at home with her family.
Nothing happened between us that night , she went home. But several weeks later she broke up with him. We met again and for the next 5 years we had a strange on off relationship. I even moved to her country in the second year. During this time she slept with countless other men. She lied to me frequently. She acted in strange manipulative ways and made very cruel comments comparing me to other men. She seemed to have no regard for my feelings.
In the 3rd year, I didn’t see her for a period of about 6 months, as she was in a relationship with another man. Then one day she txt me to say he had left the country and they were going to break up. A few weeks later she visited me and stayed the night. For the next 2 months she frequently stayed over with me and we travelled together. She acted like she loved me and I was happy during that time. I decided to try and forget her past behaviour and start over again. So I suggested she move in with and we have proper relationship. How naive I was….she told me she did want us to be together but first she was going to spain for 10 days to see her ex boyfriend. She would have hidden it, but there was no way she could explain her absence. She claimed they had not officially broken up, but would do so when she was there and then return to move in with me. She even admitted they would have sex when she was there , but that was apparently ok because they were still officially in a relationship. I went ballistic….but as you can guess I met her again soon after.
I tried to stop seeing her many times. But the truth is I was absolutely addicted, especially to the sex. I felt I loved and hated her at the same time. But to me the sex was not just sex, I felt intense passion for her. And yet at the same time I somehow suspected it was her bad behaviour that drove my passion for her. It was as if my self esteem had been destroyed and the only comfort I got was making love with her. Most people don’t get this. They assume if someone treats you this bad you simply walk away. Oh if only it was that simple.
I was also hugely depressed and sometimes spent hours ruminating about her. I kept trying to figure out who she was and what her motives were. It was obsessive. Finally 2 months ago I told her I can no longer see her again. This time I think I have the strength to see it through…
I try not to think about her now. Although the temptation to analyse the past is huge. But it leads nowhere, I cannot understand her motives. At times I was convinced she must be a sociopath and other times doubted that. She seemed so normal and nice most of the time. She never lost her temper and held down a good job. Many times she acted as if she loved me, it was so hard to believe it was all fake. One thing is clear though, her behaviour was definitely not normal.
I tried discussing it all with her many times but answers never revealed much. She did however once admit to me she doesn’t care about other people’s feelings.
I am now suffering from anxiety and depression. My libido is non existent and I cannot imagine having sex with anyone else. I’m also worried I may be simply attracted to bad people and if a nice woman comes along I will feel nothing.
I hope time will heal me…
January 13, 2022 at 7:14 am #67097Donna AndersenKeymaster
jonuk – I am so sorry for your experience. Yes, her behavior is typical of a sociopath – charm, lies, aggressive sex, boredom (which is why she’s always looking for new sex partners), lack of remorse. And unfortunately, your experience is typical of someone targeted by a sociopath – hurt, confused and addicted.
You are correct in that what you felt was addiction. She is an addiction that you need to overcome. You’ve taken the first step – No Contact. It is crucial to maintain No Contact. Do you see or communicate with her for any reason.
Next is to work on your recovery. The passage of time will help, but I think it’s best to intentionally take the steps necessary for emotional recovery. This means processing the emotions of your experience. You can do this yourself – you can let yourself cry, pound your fists, whatever feels appropriate (without injuring yourself or others). You can seek therapy – if so, find a therapist who understands these situations (not all of them do).
We have several webinars that may help you. We also have one on “EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” This is an alternative therapy that really works. It dissolves the chemical part of the addiction.
I invite you to continue posting. It helps to interact with people who understand, even if it’s just online.
January 13, 2022 at 12:05 pm #67100
Thanks for your reply.
It’s good to know at least that I’m not going crazy in suspecting she may be a sociopath.
A lot of her behaviour didn’t make sense, and I tried endlessly to make head or tail of it. I also wondered whether she knew exactly what she was doing or whether it was somehow automatic without her being aware. Or to put it another way was it conscious or subconscious.
Somethings we can never know I guess…
January 13, 2022 at 6:34 pm #67101
Hi jonuk –
Yours is an especially difficult situation ( I think ) because your ex didn’t sound as though her main intent was to destroy you. Though she had many symptoms of sociopathy, I think perhaps she was a different type ( though this is just my idea from this moment because I actually never read about it before ) but the reason I am thinking this is because so many sociopaths use manipulations to abuse psychologically and their main intent is usually to take away the other person’s sense of dignity, self respect and deepest heart love. Your ex seemed more like she has a sexual addiction and a need of narcissist supply in the form of needing to feel special and desired and thus gain some sort of self worth herself. So she enjoyed having sexual relations with you and she also enjoyed you desiring her especially much by placing you in jealousy provoking situations. So know that she herself has a very difficult addiction to deal with. I think there are anonymous groups for sexual addiction that she would need ( not that you should place yourself in a precarious position in trying to help her – definitely not because it would only bring you more overwhelming problems – No Contact is very important for you). But she did in actuality infect you with her addictive disorder, so that you now have to climb out of it. I think for you, it is not as deep of a problem as it is for her though, and you will be able to “ kick it “ with dedication, support and help. So, my suggestion is to join a sex addiction recovery group. Nowadays, they must have them on line. Compulsive thoughts about her are very understandable. Donna gave you good advise in her post for that. I also suggest to work with your thoughts directly. I don’t want to sound flippant, or not acknowledging how difficult it is to have yourself obsessing about her, but I do want to mention finding an affirmation book and working with your mental processes with affirmations. It seems simplistic, but affirmations can definitely be a powerful tool to transform your life. Please post whenever you wish to get support for what you are going through. We are all here helping one another.
January 14, 2022 at 2:11 am #67102
Thanks polestar. Your reply is interesting. I had in fact considered myself at times that she may have a sexual addiction.
She told me once that sex was very easy for her.
I asked her why she had so many one night stands which never became relationships. Her reply was that often the sex wasn’t good enough. In those cases she would have sex with them once and then ignore them.
She always kept in contact with a number of men from her past which I suspect was more than just friendship…
January 14, 2022 at 6:10 am #67103Donna AndersenKeymaster
Many sociopaths are extraordinarily interested in sex – it may be all they really want in a relationship. Her lying and lack of remorse are additional traits that may indicate that she has a personality disorder.
Also, some sociopaths are out to destroy their targets, but certainly not all of them. My sociopathic ex did not want to destroy me, just take my money. When the money was gone, he was gone. Others are just lazy parasites.
In the end, though, the precise diagnosis doesn’t matter. This woman is bad news. She has damaged you. You are correct to put her out of your life. Now it’s time to work on your recovery.
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Donna Andersen.
January 14, 2022 at 9:42 pm #67111
Hi jonuk –
On the light side – at least you got the “ stamp of approval “ that you are a good lover ! But really, once I was in a relationship and the guy was the most terrible one I ever had sex with or could imagine it could be so. I stayed with him anyway, hoping that we could have other endearing qualities to be developed together. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen either. But looking back, I think that sex definitely is significant and I think that I should not have tried to overlook that important part of the relationship. Anyway, thanks for being open to my suggestion in regards to your ex’s problem ( one of them anyway ).
January 16, 2022 at 10:40 am #67116
Well even if I’m not a good lover I guess I’m at least acceptable !
I think the important thing is not to let the cognitive dissonance get the better of me. There are occasions when I remember the good times, and it becomes harder to accept she had so little regard for me.
One time she did even apologise for everything. she sent me a message saying “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you”. However this was in the last year , when she was aware I was trying to pull away from her, so I see it as change of tactic rather than genuine guilt.
I have to remind myself, the very fact she did all these things is proof that empathy and remorse do not feature highly in her life. So in reality the good times mean nothing, if the rest of the time they stabbed you in the back…
January 16, 2022 at 11:34 pm #67129
Hi jonuk –
Cognitive Dissonance was a big problem for me especially in a relationship with a very special one who was so highly regarded by one and all, plus I could sincerely see many wonderful qualities that he had. So it made it very very difficult for me to reconcile realizations that I had been treated so poorly after having been in denial about the treatment for a long time. But when I finally “ woke up “, and was able to perceive the truth of the abuse, the cognitive dissonance hit hard. Anyway, the way I was able to get around it ( plus, when it still comes up from time to time ) – the way I could step out of that cognitive dissonance trap is by saying “ but for me “ statements – such as, “ he may be a wonderful person, but for me, he is very destructive “ or other such statements. So for example, you could say something about your ex like, “ she may have had the ability to manipulate desire, but for me, sex with her and her lack of caring, did not bring love into my heart or into my life. “ ( if that statement is true for you ). But you might want to think of another, “ but for me “ statement. Anyway, making those statements has been very empowering because it brings back our own truth and our own reality to ourself rather than letting it be as though galloped away with someone else.
Blessings to you
February 1, 2022 at 12:43 pm #67206
Wow! You got a special kind of psycho with her. She actually was open about her cheating!! Most of us had do endure random, unprovoked fights so our partner had an excuse to be away to cheat. Every single time it left me scratching my head wondering what the hell caused this fight, and being devastated that someone I was so deeply in love with and pictured the rest of my life with had left me again. I can still hear the echo in my head, “every time we move one step forward you cause us to go 3 steps back!” Usually I was standing up for myself and expecting to be treated well. What nerve I had!
I can only echo what Donna and Polestar have said is so important, NO CONTACT! I was so devastated and depressed when the final break up came that I had days of not getting out of bed. I began reading just about everything I could get my hands on about sociopaths, narcissists, etc. I read literally word-for-word so many things I had been told over the year and a half I was with that man that I sobbed uncontrollably wondering HOW could this book have been written about my life!!
The jackass nearly destroyed my relationship with my oldest daughter because he schmoozed her, and he married someone else across the country just 8 weeks after leaving me. I thought the final breakup had me at the absolute lowest but there was basement beyond lowest that news sent me to. He told mutual friends they met on line after we split. I don’t believe it for a second! He actually had the nerve to get up from the couch one night because we were sitting right next to each other, turn his back to me to answer a text and then sat back down with a huge grin on his face. Usually he told me who he was texting with so I had every reason to believe he was cheating – again – but didn’t dare confront him out of fear of the rage it would trigger followed by his walking out. Again.
He always treated me differently depending on the audience. If he could use my education/career/stature in the community to make himself look good he didn’t hesitate to brag. That was usually to other men and he would stand close to me. If other women were around that were potential conquests, he maintained his distance and made sure to declare that we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend or dating, we were “friends”. Symantec’s with him were ridiculous!
For over 2 years after it ended, longer than the actual relationship, I was not mentally or emotionally healthy. I was participating in risky behaviors (read: a LOT of excessive drinking and one night stands) didn’t trust men and lived in so much fear that he would show up at my front door unannounced at any moment, that I ended up moving over 1100 miles away. I had so much rage inside me that if he had some how found me again I truly believe I could have killed him with my bare hands.
There were some good moments in those first couple of years, 1) I went to a good counselor who understood narcissistic sociopaths, and 2) I went on a singles cruise and heard many compliments that were completely the opposite of the degrading things I’d been told over and over. (I.e., my laugh was infectious, not too loud, and I had a great body vs always being reminded “you know I like thin” even though I was not only thin, I was extremely strong and toned because I was in the gym every day for nearly 2 hours!)
It was a long, slow process but eventually the anger subsided and I became very happy with myself and being alone should that be my lot in life. It has now been nearly 6 years since we split and I have been in a healthy, happy relationship for a bit over 2 years. I’m still affected by the damage the ex caused in that I don’t want to live with or marry again, and I don’t feel that deep, passionate love that I felt before I was so badly hurt and damaged. I love my new partner in that he’s very sweet, loyal, genuine, etc etc, but I just have a block about ever getting that attached to anyone again. We’re happy with what we have and I trust him completely!
You’ve been through a lot and it will take time to heal but healing will come. Know you’re not alone and it sounds like you’re already on a good path to recovery by recognizing the good times may not have been as good as they seemed and she has actually admitted to some of her faults and inability to have emotions coupled with sex. That’s definitely consistent with sociopaths. No one deserves what you’ve endured and I hope you heal swiftly and find happiness with someone with a good heart!
February 1, 2022 at 10:57 pm #67210
Hi needtoheal – what a kind and understanding post you wrote for jonuk. His situation as with all of us, is so emotionally deep, and I am sad to say that I only responded to the very overt aspect of cognitive dissonance, when there was so much more to empathize with – so I am glad that you were able to do just that. As far as your own story goes, I am so glad that you have found someone to share your life with that you have a compatibility with and who is a truly kind person. That is a true treasure. About your sociopathic ex – that story about his texting ( cheating on you ) as you sat right there on the couch shows how utterly disgusting he is and was. Thank heavens he is out of your life. I also liked how you noted that at least jonuk’s ex was honest with him about other men in her life. It was perceptive of you to put 2 and 2 together to figure out about his little argument drama to be able to go off on more of his cheating spree. Zari Ballard spoke of the very same thing that she also went through with her narcissistic ex ( in her book, “ narcissist free “ ) – about how her ex would suddenly do that exact same thing, cause all of this commotion and upset etc etc, so he could huff and puff out to disappear for however long he needed or wanted to be gone for his little secret life. But anyway, I am glad that after going No Contact, you found others who could appreciate your special qualities and help you overcome the deterioration of you self esteem, that those sociopaths are so good at destroying. Keep on growing into the knowledge of the beautiful person that you are, and know that one day, even the thought of your demented ex will be as a very faint wisp not even noticeable in your full and happy life.
February 2, 2022 at 3:54 am #67211
Hi Januk, maybe she has borderline personality disorder? That is in the same cluster of personality disorders as sociopathy but is more typical for women. From what I understand borderline women are extremely good at sex and sexual seduction and men quickly become addicted to them because it is the best sex of their lives.
If she has borderline and extreme sexual skills and she is 20 years younger, no wonder you became instantly addicted. A much younger women with extreme sexual skills is a dream fantasy for many men.
If you search online there are many men who have been absolutely devastated by relationships with borderline women. And in healing from their addiction they have had to come to terms with losing this extreme sexual pleasure. It is true that you likely will not experience that same extreme sexual intensity from a normal woman. That is something you will have to come to terms with and decide for yourself whether the extreme sexual pleasure is worth the psychological, emotional, and financial costs and risks of dating a disordered person.
I personally do not believe extreme sexual pleasure is worth that cost to your person and your life at all. But I know sexual pleasure is extremely important to men so I understand why men get addicted to these borderline women and are sometimes unwilling or unable to scale back to normal healthy sexual relations with normal healthy women.
February 3, 2022 at 8:37 am #67215
thanks for the comments and support.
I wanted to say something about my sex addiction to her. I think the real source of this was emotional. Physically she was no different to any other woman and had no special techniques in her repertoire. Although I would say she definitely knew what to say and how to act seductive which was part of it.
However the main reason I was so addicted is because of the feelings I had for her. Sex felt incredible because I felt love for her. But this was exacerbated by all the bad behaviour , in other words intermittent reinforcement.
Sex in a warm loving relationship might be less exciting ironically because you do feel secure. If that makes any sense. But with her because I never felt secure, I was easily sexually aroused when we met.
It’s as if I was constantly attempting to get very close to her. But because of everything she had done it never ultimately worked.
In other words it was the dynamics of the relationship that made the sex so good rather than her great skills. It’s quite bizarre that sex can be better in an unhealthy relationship.
February 3, 2022 at 9:37 am #67216
Hi Jan yes that is consistent with the experience of other men with borderline women. The emotional instability and disordered behavior of borderline women increases the sexual pleasure and sexual attraction of their lovers. It is a common dynamic with borderline women.
Unfortunately yes I believe you will lose this extreme sexual attraction and pleasure when you “downgrade” to a stable normal healthy woman. Because stable normal healthy sex will also be pleasurable but never that intense excitement caused by a personality disorder. I think loss of that sexual intensity is a price you will have to pay if you date normal healthy women in the future.
Of course you do have a choice here. You could continue to date other borderline women to continue that extreme sexual intensity and pleasure. I do not believe that is worth the risks of dating disordered people but that is ultimately for you to decide.
Another aspect in your specific case might be the age difference. The most common age difference between couples is the guy being just a few years older. A 20 year age gap is uncommon and generally involves financial incentive for the woman. So unless you are wealthy and willing to provide young women with a luxury lifestyle, it might be hard for you to find a new partner who is 20 years younger.
So I think part of your devastation is the realization that you likely will not be able to replace 1) the sexual intensity and 2) the large age gap.
February 3, 2022 at 10:35 am #67217
First, to Polestar, Zari’s book is one of the ones I read! I also exchanged some emails with her after reading it. Another little story about my ex cheating. Once he randomly disappeared for about a week. No fight or explanation. Then I get a call one day saying, “I know I love you because other women don’t turn me on.” First off, he rarely said “I love you” or “I’m sorry.” Secondly, I replied, “how would you know other women don’t turn you on unless you were trying to f*** someone?!” He answered, “well we weren’t together.” I was now FUMING and said “we weren’t together because you just left!” Mind you, we never lived together but we were always together because we were both retired by the age of 51 or 52, and he spent more nights at my house than not. But again, semantics/word salad and gaslighting were two of his specialties.
To Jonuk, I completely understand what you’re saying about your sex addiction to her! I also felt a sex addiction to my ex even though the sex wasn’t extraordinary. It was the same couple of things over and over. He prided himself on “sex every day” and like you, for me I was so in love with him and my emotions were tied to the sex. The “craziness” in our lives was that he kind of lived by the seat of his pants and everything was spontaneous. He would call and say let’s go to A. By the time he arrived to pick me up he say we’re not going to A, we’re doing B. Then on the way to B he’d change to C. At first it drove me crazy because I came from a very structured background where things were planned out and spontaneous didn’t happen very often. But I came to enjoy it and the excitement of it. We’d find some really fun places because we weren’t tied to structured plans. That excitement built my bond to him and carried over into the bedroom and MY deeply intimate feelings for him. However, it took me a long time to see that he never felt even close to the same. There were things he’d say that I took as joking around or masking his feelings about previous relationships that I should have taken seriously. Love is blind and I excused it away.
It’s difficult for those of us who have REAL feelings for other people to wrap
our head around how someone can pretend to have feelings just so they get the benefits they want whether that be sex, money, a cook, babysitter, etc. But I definitely empathize with your sexual relationship with her.
February 3, 2022 at 11:12 am #67218
Yes it really is difficult to get our heads around the fact they were probably to a large extent faking it.
But I guess we have to also acknowledge that part of the discomfort we experience is related to our own ego. We wanted them but they didn’t want us. And that can make you feel kind of worthless.
You have to get it into your head that they are not normal and so it doesn’t need to be seen as so humiliating.
And just to respond to another point sept4 made. I would of course be more than happy to accept a lower level of sexual excitement in order to find someone who is genuine and empathic.
The high level of sexual arousal I experienced with her was almost painful at the same time because I was constantly conscious of the way in which she made me feel belittled.
I have read that jealousy can act like an aphrodisiac and I do believe that, although at the same time I don’t think it’s healthy.
February 3, 2022 at 11:23 am #67219
Another thing I wanted to add. I don’t know if you are religious or believe in the supernatural at all. But in mythology you can compare these disordered women to a succubus. A succubus or siren is a demon evil entity in the form of a beautiful young woman who preys on men and seduces men through sexual attraction. And ultimately destroys men with her evil powers. But the men are unable to resist their siren call because they are so beautiful and so sexually seductive.
February 3, 2022 at 11:42 am #67220
Januk yes I think you are right that jealousy can increase sexual excitement and pleasure.
I’m aware of the sexual power of sociopaths and borderline etc disordered people from reading so much about the disorders. But strangely in my own experience with my sociopath ex husband I never experienced this. Sex with him was mediocre and I never really enjoyed it much even in the beginning of the relationship because there was no emotional connection. Sex with him was a dissociative experience because there was no connection at all and it was like he was just using my body to basically masturbate.
It was strange and I don’t know why he had no sexual power over me. I think he has a Madonna-wh*** complex where he wanted to marry an innocent naive woman just for show to parade around while meanwhile getting his actual sexual pleasure from sex with wh***s on the side (literally as he was paying for sex).
February 4, 2022 at 8:10 am #67222
Just wanted to respond to what sept4 said about the cause of my devastation.
I think you’re right that I feared the loss of that sexual intensity. I’m not so bothered about finding someone 20 years younger but I did also fear I may not be able to find anyone at all if I let her go.
The dating market especially with online apps is such a minefield now. I have tried recently and it’s very discouraging. It’s also changed markedly in the last 5 years.
I went from having intense sexual experiences to having no physical contact with anyone since I stopped seeing her. And it is kind of depressing and lonely.
So yes I fear being alone, maybe forever.
February 4, 2022 at 11:50 am #67223
Januk yes I understand and this is a very difficult situation for you. You are very vulnerable because you are lonely and probably going through withdrawals from your addiction to her.
Just be aware that she might sense your vulnerability and try to reel you back in with sex to toy with you some more. Then you will have to make a choice whether to give in to your addiction and sexual desire or whether to stand firm and uphold your personal values of integrity.
A very hard choice to make as it will be very difficult to resist her when she comes back to you for sex. Just keep the mythical image of the siren in mind who causes men to shipwreck in pursuit of her seduction.
February 4, 2022 at 12:57 pm #67224
Yes you’re right, in fact I’ve just woken from a sexual dream about her!
In the past she did contact me many times when I tried to break off with her, and every time I couldnt resist. However this time seems different. I have more resolve and I also think she won’t try to contact me either. Somehow we both know it’s over now, strangely.
Of course it was always one of my questions… Why she wanted to meet up with me anyway, particularly as I’m so much older. It wouldn’t be exactly difficult for her to find sex so I don’t think that can be the reason.
And she certainly couldn’t have loved me given her behaviour. So perhaps ultimately she had a financial motive, although she hid it quite well.
It will always remain one of the mysteries of my life.
February 4, 2022 at 1:45 pm #67225
Jonuk, she admitted she was having sex with other men too so finding it certainly wasn’t an issue for her. The reason she keeps all the men around her like puppets is because of the sociopathic need for power and control. My ex didn’t want me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either! So every time he was gone for a while I’d get some random text accusing me of being with some other man. I know he was driving by my house spying on me because during a break up I had a good friend from high school visiting me from out of state and she borrowed her mother’s car while she was in town. I got a text talking about the car in my driveway. There is no pleasing these people.
It’s a means of filling their own empty shell of how many friends, sex partners – whether they’re using them for that at the time or not – it’s a way of making themselves feel important and seem important to others. My ex was a
constant “one upper” to everyone. He knew everyone and has done everything.
This is why NO contact is so important. Make sure you block her so she can’t call or text and avoid places you’d be most likely to run into her.
May 9, 2022 at 3:16 am #67891
Just thought I’d update my situation.
Unfortunately I had a relapse, she messaged me, we got talking and I allowed her to come and stay with me for a few days.
To be honest my prime motivation was to have sex with her.
However within a day of her arrival I started feeling anxiety as I realized what I had done.
That was 2 weeks ago, and once again I found myself ruminating on our past relationship.
Now I intend to go no contact once again and start over…
May 9, 2022 at 11:11 am #67892
Hi Jonuk, don’t beat yourself about it. It happens. In fact it happened to many of us, perhaps all of us. We have that belief or fantasy about what we think life could be, or they seem to have changed when in reality they cannot change.
It’s good you recognized your anxiety! And quickly! Part of the reason you did so is because her absence from your life gave you time to have a calm, normal life. I experienced this last year when a family member with a drinking problem had to stay with me temporarily and she triggered anxiety that I had not felt since I kicked her out about six months prior. I did so because of her excessive drinking, anger, and unpredictable mood swings. When she stormed through my living room, kicking something out of her way or getting angry because a power cord was too short I noticed my feelings like an elephant in the room because I had not had that feeling for several months that she was out of my house.
You ARE on the healing path! It’s good you’ve recommitted to your practice of no contact. Hang in there, use your support systems, and life WILL get better and happier!
May 11, 2022 at 10:01 pm #67901
Hi jonuk – it is so nice to read your latest post because I was wondering how you were doing. What happened to you is called a “ hoover “ when the narcissist ( or whatever description you want to call them ), suddenly shows up again to reinstate themselves in a person’s life, and thus to start the whole sick relationship with a “ restart “. What often happens in this kind of scenario is that usually the person is not aware of the “ hoover maneuver “, so they are caught completely off guard without the necessary emotional or educated tools to deal with it. Then there are all of the unresolved issues which they have longed to bring to closure to which makes them susceptible – and another vulnerability is that they hope that their dreams of how they wish it all could have been can have a new chance to happen. You mentioned that your prime motivation was to have sex with her. The problem with that is that when you pull the tail of the cat, you get the whole cat ! I hope that you were making good progress in your healing while you were in No Contact with her before she did her hoover. As ‘need to heal’ was saying, it happens and we just need to pick ourselves up and get back to what we were doing – namely, to heal, move on, and find our joy and happiness once again. Another thing that I want to mention is that it often happens that when we have come a long way and have really been feeling good and strong, we don’t realize that those narcissists do have a sick kind of power, and can still bring so much hurt and pain if we allow them to be in our lives even in any small way. I personally think that they enjoy destroying other’s well being, self esteem and love. So the best thing to do is just to turn your back on them and that type of person and surround yourself with those who can really love you and bring out the best in you.
Blessings to you
May 18, 2022 at 7:29 am #67951
Thanks again for your encouragement.
Even before my latest set back, the recovery was slow.
In fact I’m astonished at the devastating effect she had on me. In the past I’ve broken up from partners and got over it relatively quickly.
This time it seems my self esteem has been totally crushed and I often wonder if I will ever be quite the same again. This is the worst of it. The lack of confidence I feel in the wake of it.
And of course the sense of betrayal. You don’t expect someone who seemed so nice at first to show so little regard for your feelings.
I’ve often wondered why we crave the ones who hurt us so much. I saw an interesting article which I very much agree with. It stated that they are the ones who invalidated us, and so at a deep level we seek validation from them. It’s like we want them to repair the damage, which of course they never can. This is why it’s so hard to walk away….. I think it may be true.
I also feel lonely now and want to meet someone else, but that’s not easy. I have a fear of being alone forever. I’m sure if I met the right person who genuinely loved me I would recover much quicker.
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