Which trauma is better?

Hi snownfire –
You have been fantastically strong in the face of what you had to endure and the changes that you have had to go through. To heal from all of that takes a tremendous amount of energy and psychological fortitude. You are still in the process of having to assess what happened, really understand it on a deep level, even if you know what happened on an intellectual level, and then go through a lot of healing and all the while needing to turn around to get on with your life and put the past behind you. That is a tremendous amount to deal with at present. As I said, you are amazing and are really doing it all so well with your religious faith helping you. At this point, it would not be wise to get in the middle of your mother’s relationship with your dad. He did help you and it would not be wise to try to help your mom in opposition to your dad. He would find out and then you would become the target and you do not have the strength to deal with any of that. Your mother has dealt with him for so many years, and though I do understand her conundrum regarding your siblings, she will need to seek professional help from some kind of therapist and not from you at this point in both of your lives. Your mother sounds like a self aware, smart woman and with some professional help, she will know what the best thing for her to do.
Blessings

snownfire – It is good that your mother is starting to see what is going on. It is very difficult when someone is married to a sociopath and still has young children. You might want to encourage your mother to read the articles on Lovefraud under “sociopath and family.”

I’ve heard from plenty of women who felt they should stay in the abusive relationship because it would be better for the kids. I’ve never heard from anyone who later said it was a good decision, and many have said they should have left.

It’s very complicated. Your mother should certainly educate herself.

Hi Snowfire, I appoligize for posting a message to Donna on your post. I have no idea how to create a new feed.

Lovefraud is a wonderful site. Donna has all your answers on her site. Read everything..epecially if you are crying or sad..come to lovefraud and read, read, read and post questions & vent = this is part of the healing process.

Wishing you all the best. take care. 💜💜

Hi Snowfire, for your mother…have her look up Adrenal fatigue symptoms most victims of abuse have adrenal fatigue. She most likely exhausted emotionally, mentally & physically from her abuser mental mind games.

She also needs help to open her mind up from the brain washing her abuser is doing to her daily plus she might be at the age of peri menopause or menopause where her hormonals are naturally changing and this can cause additional brain fog & depression. see sites Dr Lam. com and Adrneal fatigue. org (these helped me when I escaped my ex & my new doctors told me I was suffering from adrenal fatigue)

My advice is to show her Donna’s site here (lovefruad) and ask your mother questions. One at a time but, dont expect an answer and dont demand an answer just plant seeds to open your mothers mind up from his brain washing. This is what cult experts do for those that are in cults. Domestic abusers are cult leaders and their victims are cult followers.

DONT aruge with your mother ever about her abuser or the abuse she is enduring = this will just bond her more to her abuser. Instead lift your mother up emotionally. Tell her she is doing a good job with your silblings and tell her if she does a task like cleaning the house etc that she is doing a great job.

Abuse victims feel like they can not do anything right because that is what the abuser tells them. So lift your mothers spirit up. Send her a card in the mail with kind words (not about her abuse) just life her spirit up. Buy her flowers or a shirt (say I was thinking about you and thought you would like this). If you dont have the money then just write a note and hand it to her. Nothing about her situation just show her love. This will help her to know that she has a safe place and a support network outside of her home. Very important for abuse victims to know this.

Also, show your mother the National Domestic Violence hotlie website and sit with her and read up on “What is emotional abuse” show her their hotline number. But, dont push to go just tell her they have free counseling if she ever wants to go. NEVER pusher to do anything…her abuser pushs her boundaries daily so you dont want to do that…you have to guide her gently but, never pusher.

Wishing you & your mother all the best. take care.

Hi Jan- thanks for the info. I am familiar with some of it.

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Hi snownfire – I am glad that both you and your Mom know that the healthiest thing to do is to be in a safe environment and are in agreement that it will entail living elsewhere. It also sounds like the two of you have a good supportive relationship which is so beneficial. Be sure to let her know about your exhaustion level so that you don’t overextend yourself physically, psychologically or emotionally. Learn to be on the receiving end and allow others to help you too. It seems that you will be moving out so do everything you can to save up the energy that you will need to do so. I know this is a difficult time with so much transitions to go through, but you will get through it and in the end will feel much better in all ways.
Blessings