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After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free.

It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.

When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.

“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.

“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”

And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.

For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.

And now she must heal.

“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.

“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”

For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.

Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.

“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.

“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”

“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”

“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”

“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”

“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”

“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.

“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”

She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”

Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.

Miracles are free.

In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.

*Not her real name.


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79 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free."

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Sarah had a text message. God had to use a 2×4 to hit me over the head after 30 years of being in his web. He allowed me to walk in on my “loving” husband boinking his children’s choir director (married, 20 years younger, 3 young children) on my living room couch.

For everyone it is a different wake-up call, but when it comes it is finally the Truth. You finally have it all in front of you and you simply cannot be lied to or manipulated any longer because you see them for who they really are in all that ugliness. I have never been so humiliated, hurt, angry, disgusted, pained and miserable as I was that day but now I can look at it all from a distance of 5 years and a new life. I can laugh at the whole scenario and still be thankful that it happened. I can see how God used that awful time to give me the final push to dump his sorry behind.

Whatever our wake-up call, it is only the beginning of the end.
Honey

The miracle that freed me was the OW trying to break down the front door of his house and the bombshell that she ( a friend of mine) had been with him continuously for 6 years. The second miracle was that I did not fall for the next con that she was a fellow ‘ victim’. I fell for it for 2 weeks before I discovered that rather than get rid of him as she promised, she happily carried on and shared in the profits of the money he had stolen from me. At the time, I was so confused, devastated and almost suicidal at the realisation that I had allowed these people to nearly destroy my life and hurt my husband and children that I did not see it as a gift. Now though I think she did me a huge favour because of her own greed and twisted personality.
Since this all happened, several people have said to me that they knew what was being done to me but they did not know how to tell me. Although I understand their dilemma, it is has made me angry thinking that I could have been saved from this trauma. I feel so strongly that about it that I summoned up my courage yeaterday and went to talk to his new employer. I told everything and provided what proof I have of not only what he did to me but his long history of stealing, drug taking and sexual harassment. I could not go another day thinking that another innocent woman is going to be targeted. I’m prepared for the fact that nothing will be done and that he will be allowed to carry on working, if only because it is so hard for even the most educated person to fully comprehend what they are dealing with.
Whatever the outcome, I have peace of mind now knowing that I have have done everything I can to protect others. All my friends, astonishingly to me, have told me not to do it. They all say people have to find out for themselves but I cannot agree with that. If we all want to live in a decent society, we all have a moral responsibility to share information that may harm others. So no matter what happens, I have tried to pass on the gift given to me and my conscience is clear.
Swallow

Yes, it would be nice if they could all be court ordered and sentence to live in a bottomless pit. Whoever, could scale the walls and get up out of the pit would eventually make it back to decent society … oh, hmmmm live amongst us again. What am I thinking … these are the characters without emotions, hence, no fear … they’d all scale the walls and make it up and out of the pit by breakfast. I’m sure they didn’t collect on any of the bets that were made prior to the big climb. Maybe, we should pray to God to turn them all slime green, since they are really green with envy of everyone else living in God’s light (hence their retribution of destroying our lives before they leave). Back to the books and try to figure out how to change our court systems, change our penal systems and bring in some professionals with the patience of Job to work baby steps with them … walking them step by step down every righteous path they avoided in their lives. The more righteous steps they jumped over and avoided … the longer their incarceration. Release would be in front of the Righteous in our society … based upon the anti-socials quoting passages from the Bible and interpreting the meanings back to the panel. Upon release, they must conduct x amount of years of doing community service to learn the benefits of what it means to do for others with nothing in return. Maybe, just maybe they’d learn something.

Wini,
Part of recovering from a P is to understand once and for all that they will NEVER be good. All we can do is fight to get them incarcerated so that they cannot harm anyone else or stay clear of them altogether and learn the to see the red flags.
When I was doing my nurse training many years ago I remember a lecture on psychiatry from a Consultant Paediatrician. He said to us on the subject of psychopaths ” the only thing you can do is put them in prison and throw away the key”. It sounded so dramatic and callous at the time but he was so right.
Swallow

There isn’t just one “miracle” that set me free–there were several–and I am so grateful for them, for seeing the truth, at long last.

The FOG is so dense sometimes that even if we are warned, we fail to see it, we discount the warnings, thinking we are wiser, smarter, better able to judge, but later, after we start to see the “feet of clay” we remember those warnings.

I read Robert Hare’s book so many years ago, yet I didn’t apply it to my P-son, just my Bio-father-P who was long gone out of my daily life. The coming of the Trojan Horse-P into our lives was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me, yet, in the end, it was one of the best because it finally caused the dynamite lying under my feet to explode, but I had gotten far enough away from it that I wasn’t killed in the explosion. It rid my family of the Ps ALL of the Ps and blew away the FOG.

Not only my vision was restored to clarity, but my son C’s as well, and his personality disordered wife was OUT of our lives as well.

I read over and over the story in the Bible of King David fleeing from King Saul, and then the story of King David’s psychopathic son Absalom and how David reacted to Absalom’s death, and I realized that my enabling mother was so concerned for my P-son, that her grief was not that my life was threatened by him, but that he did not and would not get out of prison before she died. That was a sobering thought for me, and a painful one. Truth can be VERY painful, but it WILL set you FREE if you will follow it.

Finding my OWN Truth, and being able to see God’s truth, though a painful process of self-examination and soul searching, grieving, and healing, is indeed a miracle of no minor proportions.

This site has been a great part of that healing process and I am also grateful for the miracle Donna has put here to help our healing. God bless us all, Tiny Tim.

Swallo, I believed that too, that they could never change. I remember reading the Book “Narcissism, Denial of the True Self” by Lowen, a declared Narcissists. He gives examples of patient of his to explain the condition of not being in touch with one’s emotions. At the end of the book he states something along the lines that “a life devoid of emotions is beyond our imagination”. With that said, I could now comprehend what I was dealing with my then boyfriend in my life at the time … putting him forever at a distance in the “friendship maybe category” and my co-workers … all a bunch of lowlifes with their big egos and no breaking mechanism in their lives to prevent them from trashing other’s lives, destroying careers, free for all mentality of stepping over and stomping on co-workers. The lies they’d report back to the bosses are beyond description. Actually, I’m trying to forget all these characters I once worked with, storing them in the furthest memory banks I can because it does not do my heart good, nor inner soul … if you get my drift. Then earlier this year I read Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. The man is a God send for all of us to get through and past the pain done to our lives and to get back to being the best that God wanted us to be. Read this book … it will do your heart good and make you think about all the egos (some in check and others, as you learned and now know, are out of control). You can also go on Oprah.com and download Tolle’s details of his 10 chapters of the book FREE of charge. The man’s voice is so soothing and kind … it is music to the soul. If you get out of this book what I got out of this book, maybe, just maybe Tolle is on to something that the rest of us who have hit rock bottom haven’t learned yet. So now I’m optimistic again that if these egos are court ordered (has to be court ordered and incarcerated because they won’t do it on their own) to work with professionals to quiet their minds, go silent, be still, and speak with the Holy Spirit (no matter how many years this should take) … then they too can be helped to feel again. That is my prayer for all of us in this world … to rid this blight of out of control egos preying on society forever. It’s time for all the mental health, law enforcement, court appointed professionals to meet with Tolle and look into this. Time to open our eyes and look at this illness from another perspective.

Realising that he cannot change and that he is the lie is immeasurably important to my healing. I still have doubts about my choices and my motivations but I have no doubt that I was not at fault for our relationship not succeeding.

I made a committment to him and I did everything in my power to make it work and to support him in every way I could. He is the lie, he is the one who will never be able to appreciate a woman like me.

I have my good days and my bad days but one thing I know for sure is that I’m a stronger woman now than I’ve ever been. I’m rid of the beast and I fully intend to realise my potential and create a happier, more fulfilling life for myself.

I realised recently that I am finally ready to make application to adopt a baby and I’ve started my research. I know I can provide a safe and loving home to a child and that I will be a good mother. Ironically I have the beast to thank for making me see that I’m capable of so much more than I thought I was.

Odette,
It is always inspiring to read how survivors turn their experience into something as positive as giving a child a good home. Good Luck with your adoption palns.
Swalow

Yesterday I had a long and deep conversation with a woman a couple of years older than me, a very bright woman, who was married to a psychopath, gave birth to children that were psychopathic, was a poor parent herself, and even some of her grandchildren were psychopathic….in fact, one of her granddaughters is in prison now and she is raising the 3 year old daughter, her own GREAT granddaughter who is probably one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen.

This woman grew up in a dysfunctional family, became a dysfunctional mother and grandmother, but now at 60+ she is GETTING IT, and she is making every effort to give this VERY AT RISK LITTLE GIRL a home and give her every chance to grow up into a loving person. The child was in foster care from birth to 2 and never bonded, the ggm took off from work to spend a year bonding with this child. It gave me HOPE for even the MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL of situations that there may be some changes for the better.

As I was leaving, the lady told me “It will STOP with this generation if I can do anything about it!” This woman with very little formal education herself has EDUCATED herself about Ps and about parenting. I watched her interactions with the little girl, her husband and the little girl, and the three of them and I left with such a warm feeling in my heart. These people are not wealthy, but they are kind and loving and are giving this child a chance at life that otherwise she would never have. She may still turn out to be bi-polar and/or psychopathic (she has many bi-polar ancestors and psychopaths as well) but she HAD A CHANCE FOR A GOOD LIFE.

While it would be “nice” if we could sterilize all the Ps and lock them up on an island so they couldn’t reporoduce or hurt others, there will always be a “supply” of these people, but we can make a START with ourselves and one child at a time, with educating parents, being advocates for women and men and children in abusive situations.

Mother Theresa didn’t get rid of all poverty and all the lonely deaths of the people with no one, but she worked to do what SHE COULD and that is all we can do. We can’t heal everyone, but we can start with ourselves, and continue to advocate for and support others as they heal, and as each person is healed and goes out to help others, the healing will spread like “bread cast upon the waters” sending ripples outward and far away.

Odette will give a child wihtout parents a good home, and the lessons that she learned as a victim of a psychopath will give her a greater insight into parenting and loving than she might have had without the experience. [QUOTE] “I have the beast to thank for making me see that I’m capable of so much more than I thought I was.”

I have a little book called “Crones Don’t whine”—a Crone is an old English word meaning “wise older woman”—I want to BE a CRONE…I want to be PROUD OF MYSELF, I want to not pretend to be some young sex pot, this is a new stage in my life—my cronehood. I’ve had my other stages, and I can’t move backwards, and I don’t want to–I want to move FORWARD into my cronehood proudly, a better and wiser woman.

I saw a woman the other day that frequents the local auction where I go sometimes, and she is referred to by other people there as “Botox BArbie”–she dresses like a Barbie Doll, and has long platinum hair suitable for a 16yr old, and she is probably 50+ She is not willing to move into the Cronehood, but continues to try to be the Barbie Doll that she outgrew a generation ago. It really is pathetic that her maintaining her youthful looks long after they have gone, and dressing like a teenager seems to be the center of her world.

I want more than that for myself. I want my beauty to be internal where it will never fade, never need Botox to work the “wrinkles” out. Peace

M.L. Gallagher,
Thank you for posting this… It also applies to the cop who lied to me from the first day he met me, and explains him…
May EACH of us hurt by one of these soul suckers be able to heal and know that WE can be true, no matter how false they are, that THEY are not mirros of some inadquacy or unworthiness within us. They are just who they are – damaged beyond repair.

(damaged beyond repair) sum’s up my X(P) good post thanks annie

Once I realized that if it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else and that it wasn’t PERSONAL is what set me free from the emotional aftermath. It wasn’t that I deserved it or anything less than real love, I just mistakenly got in his path and then got detoured from the main road with his lies. If everything good he had told me was untrue, so was everything bad. His opinion and voice had no value.

He is what he is and that is neither a reflection of me nor has a place in my life.

He no doubtedly thought I would succumb and crumble at the feet of his ultimate cleverness and superiority. He thought wrong. I have a successful career, my children are healing and thriving, my bills are paid, and I never have to look over my shoulder. He, on the other hand, is in prison and must be sure to “not drop the soap.”

I’d like to write him just ONE short note in prison, “I’m ok. You suck.” But I doubt MY name is on his very short list of approved pen-pals…LOL

I am experiencing peace in my life in quantities and in quality that I never felt, even on the best of days with him. Living well is truly the best revenge.

Dear Glinda,

[Quote] “If everything good he told me was untrue, so was everything bad. His opinion and voice had no value”

WOW! Profound, and SO TRUE.

Congratulations Glinda!

After my sociopath relationship ended abruptly, I went for months not understanding what had happened and why. I had beat myself up as we all do and blamed myself. It was in that brokenness that I went to God. I joined a church, started reading the bible, got baptised and began my walk with Him. Of course during those first months of my walk, my prayers would include the “why’s” of what had happened with the crazy woman. At Christmas that year, I received a book by Neil Cark Warren about relationships. Until then, I hadn’t known what personality disorders were including sociopaths.

The book layed on the table unread for about a month. then one day I picked it up and started to read. That was 9 months after the relationship.

In it there was a chapter about people you want to avoid. As I read that chapter, there was a section about sociopaths……BINGO!…. there is was… the traits, the red flags… everything…..I re-read it many times letting the words sink into my mind…. I could see her actions and words in most everything it said. After that I Googled sociopath and found myself here.

I remember regurgitating every nuance of the relationship with the new-found answer “sociopath” … I remember how painful that was.. but it was THE only answer to the how’s and why’s of it all.

Reading that chapter and finding this site was the “miricle” that began my journey to freedom.

I will always believe that God was behind that.

It’s been nearly 2 1/2 years since that relationship ended. The journey has been at times difficult at best….even with God in my life …. But time is on my side now.. and as I read the posts here written by the ones who are new to all of this, my heart goes out for them, but also it reminds me of just how far I have come in healing… not just only with the scars of a broken heart, but the mental scars.

I will never be the same person I was before I met her.. and that is good news because I am a better person now, then before.

Thanks M L for yet another encouraging post.

During times of war there was a saying “there ain’t no atheists in fox holes” and sometimes that was “right on” as when we suffer adversity and danger we sometimes LOOK UP and our spirituality comes to the forefront, where in times of plenty and safety we ignore the spiritual sides of our natures.

Southernman, I can definitely say that the horror of the Psychopathic experience has deepened my own spirituality, and made me more aware of just how important our own spirituality is to our healing.

I have a friend who is a survivor of a psychopathic relationship who is a Hindu, and other friends who are of various faiths, and ALL of us have had a spiritual awakening and greater depth in our spiritual walks.

Many Ps and their enablers use religion as a club to justify their behavior, and their insistance that WE are not “spiritual” if we don’t “forgive” them (meaning pretend none of it happened) and immediately restore “trust” in them.

Redefining my own vision of God and Christianity in light of what the Bible says, not what others say about it, as others interpret it, is a new awakening for me. So though it has been a painful lesson (series of lessons) I am still grateful for the insight it has brought with it as I am healing.

If we do not learn from our failures and mistakes, we have lost very valuable opportunities for growth.

Guess the biggest miracle for me was surviving the long (17 years) journey. Many times I didn’t believe I would. I am sure there were many small (miracles) ones. But not a day passes that I don’t thank God that I survive the journey now have my life back in whole. Looking forward to the next day, week, months and years without my own PD. Her leaving me was the biggest miralce that I never thought I would had.

There isn’t one miracle that set me free, there were many mircles. Everytime I read someones post, I am reminded of one more miracle. One of the BIG miracles for me was also a book.

“but it was THE only answer to the how’s and why’s of it all.”

Before I read the Sociopath Next Door, all I could say to myself is “why?” The miracle is that the book was laid on my kitchen counter by a friend the weekend he moved out. Before he even arrived at his next destination, I had read it.

It saved me. If I didn’t have an answer to the “why” and the “what just happened?”, my recovery would have taken much longer.

That book brought me to this site. This site is another miracle for me. I have learned so much from this site and received so much support. I was at this site one week after he left. Before he had left one week prior, I didn’t even know that sociopaths existed or what they were! If that timing isn’t a miracle, then I don’t know what is.

I find myself still spiritual, but I don’t go to church anymore. I couldn’t go to “our” church anymore. His entire enabling family goes there. I know his story of “she just wants my money,” was the version of events they got. And getting me involved with church (I wasn’t even baptised prior, my parents were no longer practicing any kind of faith) was just another smokescreen. He got active with the youth group. That thought just makes my skin crawl. Everyone there thought he was great- I have no idea what they think now…lol. Don’t care.

I tried a couple of other churches near the new house and they tried to make me feel like I hadn’t tried hard enough to make the marriage work. More ignorance in play- and obviously not the place for me to be. SO, I say my thanks and prayers and go about my days. Dr. Hare’s writings and this site were the answer to those prayers.

It’s no wonder we often swim in silence before drowning- in many cases it is safe to assume no one would throw us a lifevest….just stand next to the P from the safety of a boat and congratulate the P for trying to SAVE us in the first place! GACK!

QUOTE: “We often swim in silence before drowing”

Glinda, that touched a nerve with me so deeply. Growing up, it was the absolute dictate that you never ** EVER ** aired any “dirty laundry” in public. You never admitted that anything was askew in the family. All bad deeds were SECRET and must be kept that way so that we would appear to be a “nice, normal family” at ALL COSTS. So I was punished terribly if I shared any problems with anyone and let the SECRET out of the family. Appearances were what was IMPORTANT. Suffer in SILENCE.

The fact that my mother had been married and then divorced from my bio-father was known in our community here around the farm where mom grew up, but we also moved every few years when my dad’s coaching job would change or he got a better opportunity, and in those new towns we moved to, it was NEVER MENTIONED that my mom had previously been married, it was a SECRET that I was NOT to tell, along with any other “family secrets.” If I was drowning, I had better “not make a scene” about it–I had to do it in silence.

I have now, of course, what I think is a healthy adult’s idea of what is appropriate to share and with whom, but I will never again DROWN in SILENCE or SHAME for other people’s bad behavior.

The scriptures talk about the sins of the father being passed on through several generations. I’ve taken this to mean the way of life. The secret sins that aren’t revealed, but God sees. Someone has to stop the “generational curse” of abuse. That is probably why my own marriage fell apart. I no longer wanted secrets. I didn’t want to live one way in public and altogether different in private. I prayed for truth. I got it and it wasn’t what I thought, but airing that dirty laundry got rid of the smell. Changed the whole concept of my life, but I now have some semblance of peace. I don’t like secrets. Not that I want to tell the whole world everything, but for the basics of living, God knows, so why should I continue to be a cover for someone who doesn’t want me.

I couldn’t live that pretend life anymore. I couldn’t go out in public and paste this stupid smile on my face while I was dying inside. It was difficult to even go to worship together. It was a mockery. We could apply God’s words to everyone but us. I no longer have a marriage, but I have truth. God stopped the abuse of power, but it also brought an end to living a lie, and I’m now forced to make a new life for myself. Much better than pretend.

This post really hit home. “He is a liar” says it all.
For a long time I felt if I had done something differently maybe he would change. Maybe there was something lacking in our relationship that made him turn to other women.

I finally realized that it wasn’t me. It was a need to feed his ego that made it necessary for him to have a harem of female “friends”. He has had this parasitic relationship for more than 20 years with his godson’s mothers. He gets them to take him on trips and buy him gifts.

Just last weekend he told everyone at work that he went to the Barbecue Cookoff in D.C. with his son, when he really went with Peggy (a godson’s mother). I am sure that she must have footed the bill for the weekend.

These sociopaths lie about everything. Anyone that could use their own family as an excuse for their activities is not a moral person in any way.

It would be nice if they could just admit that they are pathetic users and liars, but they don’t see themselves that way. They are out to get what they can and don’t care about the consequences.

Hummingbird,
Lies,lies,lies. Yes that’s it in a nutshell. I’ve asked myself many times why did I believe all the lies? why didn’t I see the red flags?
One of the reasons, I think, is that HE believed the lies at the time he was telling them. He once spent an hour crying and pityfully explaining how his friends had “set him up” and told his boss’s husband he was having an affair with her. He was telling me because I had heard a rumour about it. After that hour I felt so sorry for him!!!! It was an oscar winning performance and and an hours worth of pure lies. He had been having the afffair with her for the past 5 years.
The other effective way he lied was to always include a few grains of truth, a few facts that I would know which made the rest of the story appear true.
His only reality seemed to be based purely on his animal instinct to get what he wanted, when he wanted it. He knew exactly what he was doing but had the ability to justify all his actions. He was unable to question or assess his own behaviour.
Swallow

Oh OxD,
It seems like silence only ever protects those the least deserving. “Secrets” seem to be a sister tool of lying in the toolbox of the socio.

A few suspected something was amiss with me… most had no clue. Then when all hell broke loose, there was much surprised, “But you looked so happy! How could this be?”

If I’m ever drowning again, I’m going to be gurgling at 1,000 decibels. People will RUSH to help me… or shut me up, but they will not be able to ignore me for the fog!

Is being asked to keep a secret a red flag? If not, it should be!

Keeping secrets to avoid other people knowing bad things that your family members have done ONLY is beneficial to the family member you are “protecting” by keeping the secret. It is NOT beneficial to the secret keeper.

For nearly 20 years my mother wanted me to keep it “secret” that my son was in prison. So if people would ask about my son (he was gone from home by the time we moved back here) I would say, “He lives in Texas” That of course was TRUE, but it didn’t tell them anything about HE’S IN PRISON. I know some of the people were just acquuainteces that were making small talk, but our FRIENDS were also not told the complete truth, it was a BIG SECRET.

After I went to work at a psych hospital for mostly adolescents and I saw kids there who were WORSE than my own personal monster psychopath, it ended up very theraputic for me in many ways. At that point, I actually talked to a few of my closest friends about my son being in prison. Not everyone in the neighborhood, but those closest to me.

When we moved back up to the farm a couple of years later, up in this area THE SECRET was total in the community, even with close friends and cousins.

Only a couple of years ago when he cameup for parole and mom hired him an attorney to present his “best image” to the parole board did she and I ask close friends (after telling them) that we would like a letter of “reference” for US as a family that could give him a “good place” to come to, a job, and suport. Well, fortunately, he did not get parole, but got another 4 years (5 is max) before he could come back to the board for another try. I think mom’s hired attorney and the very GOOD package we presented probably got him the 4 instead of 5.

I’m done with SECRETS to protect others, I’m done with being ashamed that others behave badly. The truth may not be pretty but it is the TRUTH. I won’t keep silent any more to protect anyone else.

I agree. Silence only serves the other party and usually works against our best interests.

I believe in discretion but not covering up…or enabling someone to continue their misdeeds.

It sounds like you have found a renewed sense of purpose and strength, OxD. I like to think of it as graduating from one level to the next. Congratulations.

“Secrets” seem to be a sister tool of lying in the toolbox of the socio.

That is good. After I was treated so horribly, my exsociopath asked me not to tell anyone. I obliged for a while. Then when I was hyperventilating on the couch, and the sociopath was the only person who was helping me, I knew there was something wrong. Why was the person who was causing me so much pain the same person as who was helping me through it? There was something sick and twisted in the whole thing. The last words I said to him were “You are not supposed to be the one helping me through this, you need to leave.” After that I told everyone who could offer me support. And I actually started to heal.

I was trapped into my affair by secrets and lies. My P’s speciality is married women precisely because the liasons start in secret and are kept secret to hide the embarassment when it is all over. What he did not count on was that I would speak out and tell everyone what had happened and I believe that is why his other woman has now fled back to her own country. They have both been exposed.
Being sworn or pressured to keep secrets should always be taken as a warning. If something needs to be hidden it is suspect and very different from someone confiding in you or asking you to use your discretion. The giveaway is when you are being pressured or coerced.
Swallow

bird

how true …the person who was causing me to hyperventilate on the couch and have my first ever anxiety attacks, is the one who i turned to for help in dealing with them??!! how crazy=making is that??

I went to the link on the other thread and read about privacy vs secrets, and about truth vs honesty, very good link.

The thing that really hit me between the eyes was one sentence:

“The anger and rage that ensures from a Narcissist who has been unmasked can be a horrific experience.”

Boy, O boy! Is THAT the HONEST TRUTH–the look of rage and anger that came from my mother’s eyes would have melted steel on the spot. It was the most penetrating look, one that I have seen ONLY on the faces of Ps when they were defied.

But by being HONEST with ourselves and by not keeping SECRETS and by not twisting TRUTH, we can set ourselves FREE.

Bird, I am so glad that you are healing and feeling better. How’s our “Baby Bird” doing? Keeping you up all night yet! LOL Put your hand on your tummy and give the munchkin a pat from Auntie Oxy! (((hugs)))))

The miracle for me was finding two letters… the first from the woman who lived w/him for 14 years and the second from her sister.

The first letter was written when the lady was dying of cancer and told of how he had mistreated her over the years and how he had been carrying on affairs and how he had beaten her when she was undergoing chemotherapy after a mastectomy. He had asked her to get out of his house by ‘spring.’ She died in the house on February 28th.

The second letter was from her sister who had been requesting that he return to her items that had been willed to her which he had refused to do.

I was pretty shaken when I found this out, but what came to my mind was ‘but for the grace of God and finding these letters, there go I….’ I found the sister’s number in the phone directory and called her… the rest is history – I packed up and left.

My story is under ‘case histories’ on this site under Bill Strunk, used car salesman.

Finding and reading those letters was a ‘defining moment’ for me – everything was changed and there was no turning back.

To continue reading the happenings written here, gives me courage to know that I don’t stand alone and it is okay to say no. I don’t have to take second best and continue in the lies. I have been left alone for a reason and I’m still trying to determine that, but being alone, doesn’t mean I have to be at the mercy of a man who is nothing but lies. I can speak my mind. If I would defend someone else, why can’t I defend myself?

It’s amazed me that the ones who chose to write me off because I wouldn’t bend to their will, can’t see what they have done. But that is the story for all here, simply because we choose to want something deeper and richer in the form of a relationship. If the only person we have that with is ourselves, we are blessed indeed. I don’t know how I could have made it on this journey without my faith in God. Even when I thought I was going down for the final time and all hope was gone, I saw that beacon of light. We’ve been tried by fire and came out like gold. That’s not bad at all.

I’d much rather be alone and have peace than to be with someone who lies, uses and abuses. Wait. I was alone. I am so thankful to have found help in the form of this site and the stories I read. I know deep within that I didn’t imagine the happenings. I was told that. You can’t imagine the truth. I claim God as my witness and He says He cannot lie. But since you all have had similar experiences, and I see my life in your story, we all can’t be wrong.

There have been so many memories flooding back the last several days. I see them in those who are here. As they come back, I process them as lies and do my best to dismiss them. The hard part for me is that I can’t have my day in court. I didn’t keep the kinds of records I should have, as I didn’t think I needed to. I was entirely too trusting and gullible. That was before. This is now. Saying no really is powerful. A real friend wouldn’t seek to destroy. I was almost destroyed. He really was the lie. And he lied when he denied he lied. It just wouldn’t quit until I put a stop to it.

In response to “After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free”, I’m wondering who sent the text message. Maybe I read too fast and missed it but I never did find out who sent it or why, nor how the lady “Sarah” got to where she put the connection between the message and the facts about the sociopathic guy.

HoneybearII, I too was married to someone for 30+ years and I’ve read some of your other comments and felt a real kinship. I became a Christian in my 30’s (50’s now) and hung in for so many years waiting for him to “see the light” and I believed in a covenant so much. But my husband didn’t believe in anything but himself. I’m embarrassed still to admit what I denied to myself for most of those years. We separated a few times (over women) but he would always reel me back in. He had me so twisted! I admit that my background and temperment made me a magnet for him when I was 19. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for falling in love with a liar, cheat, and a thief. Yes, he went to jail on one occasion (insurance fraud) and I thought well, he’ll learn from this and he’ll be a new person…NOPE! But actually I was the one who ended our relationship, so I should take some pride in that (although it still hurts even though I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year) because I could see that he was going to be with another woman (this one is a pianist and he had always been dissatisfied that I wouldn’t learn music!). Even after we split up and I moved he was trying to get me back (sexually) but I held strong FINALLY! When he found out that I had a guitar and was taking some lessons, he said “if you had done that we would still be together” totally IGNORING his cheating, his lies, and his thievery – he is classic in not taking responsibility for anything that goes wrong! He had a very strong sexual hold on me and has left me pretty messed up, but I am getting better.He is turning 60 this year and still as crazy as ever, having started a new business in town (with the pianist who from what I know is very like me in personality and has a history of being dumped by men and we are all waiting to see how long before he dumps her). I’ve been told by my son that his father “has misgivings” about her….obviously she is not coming across to meet all of his needs, and so he is getting dissatisfied. My counsellor after hearing just a bit of my story, used 2 words to describe my relationship with my husband, TOXIC and PROSTITUTED. That kind of hurt when he said it, but it was so TRUE. I read on here over the last months about a “beneficent sociopath”…that would be my husband. He reels you in by doing generous things, being charming (I read recently that charm is a SKILL and that makes sense because he can turn that on and off) and by giving 1/2 truths, so you doubt yourself. A classic for him is when you say, “you didn’t tell me that”, he would convince you that he did, leaving you wondering if you were going nuts!!” For you Honeybear the final straw was finally seeing him boink someone on your couch. For me it was a long line of terrible things, which would be embarrassing still to admit because of my cooperation with lies, but I finally couldn’t take it anymore because he only used me for a certain type of sex (and yes the one good thing is as they get older they do lose their stamina sexually and resort to pleasing themselves) and that is all he wanted from me because he was getting his creative music needs with the pianist and I told him it was over. He left but he kept in touch each day (his computer was still at our home) and one cold night the local swat team came to my house when my son and I were home and he and I were arrested (my son thankfully is about as far away from being a sociopath as one could be). I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and was in shock. Turns out he had rigged the house during renovations so that we were stealing hydro power and I didn’t know about it!! So I was treated like a criminal, but the worst part was seeing my son in handcuffs…that was my last straw, that cemented it for me…it saved me from ever wanting to be with my husband again. And he did try to get me back sexually. In the end the police let me and my son go, because as they were taking us to the station to be booked, my husband coinicidentally arrived (thank you God) and they arrested him instead, obviously because we didn’t fit the profile of thieves, but he certainly did. He got “off” due to a technicality (he always seems to land on his feet) and so the repercussions of his decisions never seem to touch him much, but I certainly have felt them over and over. So I thank God that I am away from him (working on a divorce) and that I am getting better but it is a slow process to throw off 30 years. I would like to be married (I view my marriage now just as one very long one night stand) to someone eventually, if I can get truly healed of the past and the hangups that this man left me with. Some people say I should write a book about my marriage, but it would be too embarrassing and unless you’ve been in a warped relationship with one of these truly damaged people, you can’t understand what it’s like. I read the blogs as they get sent to me and I have found a lot of comfort and education in these, it is so reassuring to know that I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and I have worth! I think the longer you are with a sociopath probably the harder it is to get over and find a life especially when you are not a young person anymore. But I am finding my life, it is just a slow process. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Sorry for such a long post, but I’ve been a lurking reader of this blog for quite a while and finally just wanted to spit out a few things. This site has been a big part of me healing as much as I have.

Hey, Louise, good to see you again, never knew you were registered here, how are you, not been in touch for ages, would like to be again, email me, you know where to send it.

Scarlet,
As I read your blog, I was seeing me all over again. I, too, have been married over 30 years. 38 to be exact. We put the house up for sale and when God removes all obstacles, I can proceed further.

I’ve been a Christian the most of my 58 yrs and presumed upon that to keep me from being a statistic. I came from a strict background, but nothing prepared me for the kind of angry marriage I had. I didn’t even know a thing about sex until I got married and thought it was the greatest happening between two people ever. How much closer could two people be? It meant nothing, but lust. I’m ashamed of what I did to try and procure love. I started comparing the happenings and realized that if what happened out of bed was awful, then what happened in bed was good, which was real? I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn’t ask just anyone if this was normal behavior for a man. I was so lost. I kept biding my time on account of my children.

I wanted that traditional life and got everything but. Probably the best thing that could have happened for my children was when their dad went to the night shift. He slept the most of the day and I had them all night, so my influence was there more than his. He just left bad memories as he didn’t want what he had.

I promised God to be that wife and finally out of desperation, I prayed and told God I just couldn’t do it anymore. That was the night a coldness settled in my heart and his words no longer hurt me. When he realized he could no longer make me cry that seemed to make him madder. No wonder I was so messed up. It was only the grace of God that my daughters came out fairly unscathed. My youngest daughter sometimes has anger issues, but I’m sure that goes back to the way she was treated.

When I became a Christian, I wanted to do life God’s way, so when I stand before Him, I can hand Him back my life and know I did it His way. I didn’t count on having to fight for my own place in my life. I still don’t know absolutes as to the why, but I know enough that I don’t want to do that again. I just wanted to share. I still can’t understand how a man can share his body so freely and make all kinds of statements, but mean none of them.

I read your story and shuddered for you. What awful memories you have to carry too. I’m so glad I have God’s reassurance. People keep telling me, too, that I should write a story of where I was and how I got here to this point in my life. I said, to write it I would have to relive it. It’s bad enough to carry the memories without seeing it in print, other than my journal.

I’ve made a promise to myself that I will not make myself sick over another man. Sometimes they are so forceful, that I think they are jealous of our relationship with God, because they want to be god and worshiped and adored. Yuk. I almost did that. I was so desperate for someone to care and affirm that I’m not unlovable, that I almost fell. God kept me, but I have to put the pieces of me back together again. Lots of rough edges, with many scars. But that’s me and I like me much better.

This site is so therapeutic for me and I’m sure for others as well.
I have the opportunity to talk about my situation with people who have shared the same type of betrayal.

Keeping secrets is something that the sociopath requires in order to manipulate his or her victims. My sociopath didn’t want me to meet his family because he knew that they would want to meet my children. He didn’t feel that my children (adults) were ready to accept another man in their mother’s life yet.

The real reason was that he had another woman who he took to all the family functions. If I was introduced as his significant other, they would question what had happened to Peggy.

These men and women live on lies and half-truths. They tell you enough to make some of the lies sound somewhat believable, but it is just a game to keep you off-balance.

I think the miracles that happen after an anti-social personality is out of our lives is growth. Our own spiritual growth. Focusing not on what they did to us any longer, but who we as a person is right now, at this place, in time, today. How much did we grow from their adversities that were forced into our lives? How we picked ourselves up, brushed ourselves off and took that first step to move forward. Yes, yes, yes, our loved ones that constantly remind us to “move on” I had to ask them “what does move on mean to you”? If moving on means grabbing another partner to make me whole. That isn’t going to happen in the near future. I’ve always gone years in between relationships being on my own, trying to figure out where I was, where I’m going, and of course, where I am right now, this minute. I do know that all the anti-social personalities in my life have stretched my compassion for humanity to a totally different level, enhanced my love for God and what God has given me, enjoy my family and friends more, enjoy meeting new people more than ever before, food taste better, and just stopping to smell the roses. I know I appreciate myself more and pat myself on my own back to say “I did it right”. I don’t know about the rest of you, but having an anti-social come in and out of my life makes me feel like I survived a horrific plane crash or other such tragedy … that I was the sole survivor, to find out through time, I meet other survivors as I go through life and all the other survivors speak the same language. That is our consolation.

As each day goes by, I know I’m learning more wondrous things as long as I keep my heart, eyes, ears, smell, touch, and imagination wide open.

Peace.

Today i feel at peace with letting go of my bad man. Today i told him, that im not going back to him, i cant put my heart out there with him anymore, i cant let him hurt me anymore. I realized that i feel somewhat better when we are not speaking, talking to him stresses me out, i feel completely uneasy when i talk to him. I dont trust him, i dont trust anything he says to me ever. I feel today that i dont need to focus on what he did to me, bc what he did to me was wrong and evil, but i cant sit and focus on it. I have to figure out what im going to learn from this realtionship, and start healing from all those evil things that he did to me. I learned that not everyone in the world is good, and when i met him i took everyone at face value, i cant do that anymore, anyone that comes into my life must prove they r trustworthy.

i want to say this website i really believe has saved me and helped me so much.

blondie:

Log on to Oprah.com give yourself a password. When you get into the site look for Tolle’s “A New Earth” site that Oprah is keeping up on her site. Download Tolle’s detailed descriptions of his 10 chapters of the book. He will show you how to bring peace back into your existence. Especially when going through a trauma like we all have. That peace is what we so much need in our life.

If you can pick up the book, I highly recommend his book. A must read. Put it side by side with your Bible. Actually, I think it’s a book of how to read the Bible. But, that is neither here nor there at this point in time.

Peace.

Swallo

What I dont understand is why didnt they tell us or did they.

When I finally found out the truth I alos had people tell me they knew…knew what that he was with another women for 3 years living 2 lives when he was telling us all along he was traveling to TX. What they dont understand is these guys lie and they lie good and when you are in it they are so convincing! I never thought in a million years he was going down the street to another womens house. I couldnt even think anyone could be so evil.
He was in TX supposidly building a huge Hedge fund, he had a name he had names of all the traders there kids, he discribed the office and the marble floors. He was on the phone yelling and banging on the table to his traders sell sell sell there werent any traders there was no fund how was I suppose to know he did and said these things daily. He takes the cake.

So when he left me homeless, no job and no money . They all knew???
How in the world could they not tell me? I was so hurt by this some mentioned if in passing but I am sorry I would tell. They didnt know for sure they thought they knew. When you are in the inside it is different.

He did embezzel and commited fraud he is being charged and I have never been so happy my husband (now ex) had a girlfriend the SEC and FBI are watching her not me. She is a inocent victum as well but she thinks he is inocent.

Girls I am writing a book I want to help others and tell a true story of life with a Sociopath/Psychopath the same really.

I will stress the family, friend to tell them get proof before for they are jobless and broke

Broken hearted and shocked

Dear Areyoukiddingme,

I am glad you are here, you have found a healing support network of good folks here, with lost of information to learn about “THEM”–the psychopaths.

I wish I could tell you why people don’t tell, but so many of us have tried to warn the “next victim” and usually they do not believe us. I have in fact, been warned myself about people and DID NOT LISTEN—but you can bet your bippy I will LISTEN NEXT TIME.

I am so sorry you have had to go through such a terrible time, and I hope that he gets the legal book thrown at him and is in jail for decades. Now is the time for YOU to heal and take care of YOU though.

Read and learn about how they work, there is so much similarity between the psychopaths and how they think. Starting with NO conscience, no guilt, and no shame. ME ME ME. and remember, chant this like a mantra HE IS THE LIE!

its really hard for me to accept that he didt love, and that he would due such things to me. its still hard for me to accept that this relationship is over, that it was ruined. he was my bestfriend and he betrayed me. when he calls me i want to pick up but i know better than that. its hard to beleive that he is only calling to play his game, he is only calling to get something from me, he ist calling b/c he misses me or love me. just makes me sick that he says he loves me or misses me and its just game.
GOD WHY CANT THEY BE NORMAL, WHY CANT THEY FEEL WHAT THEY DID WAS WRONG, AND IT HURTS US, AND SAYING SORRY DOEST FIX IT!!!

Areyoukiddingme,
One of the things that made me so angry and distraught was the fact that many people knew what was being done to me and no-one said anything. I agree with the others, that I may very well not have believed what I was being told BUT even so, someone could have tipped me off. I still think that morally if you know something about someone that could harm them you should pass on the information no matter what reaction you get.
I have told as many future ‘victims’ as I can and even if they don’t believe me, I have done my best to save another innocent soul the torment that I went through.
Swallow

My ex embezzled 1.2 mil from some investors and I am horrified I even knew this man.

I am embarressed with my family as some knew…knew, what that he was a thief ……well that is unbeliveable to me they didnt push and speak loud.

My husband(ex Husband) was living a double life and they knew….knew what that he was suppose to be in TX and he was really going down the street to her house.

If they knew what didnt they tell me?

He had a story I tell you and he conned a lot of us but they werent hearing the day to day bullshit.
He called me from TX and told me about all of his stock traders and there names there kids names. he explained the office in detail he even banged on the table yelling at the traders……there were no flippin traders and they wonder why i didnt know???? thats why he lied and he was good

I never thought in a million years anyone first of all could lie that much be that detailed about lieing and do it for a year and half…well actually 7 years did they know that?
I dont think so.

He had a girlfriend he put me in a million dollar home and left me I had to move in 3 days I had no home no money and no job……did they know that was going to happen

If they were so sure they should have gotten proof!

He is still with his girlfriend in a nice home and she belives he is inocent. RIGHT!

I am talking to the investors and helping any way he is being charged with fraud and I am embarressed but then again so are they. I would love to tell his girlfriend she was warned by the investors but he told her lost the money in the market…hmm why is there transfers to off shore. You see I cant tell her because of the investigation but I can tell you one thing I have never been so happy my husband had a girlfriend as all eyes are on her he very well has gotten her in deep trouble. For now I wait until he goes to jail

She knew we were married she knew he bought a million dollar house with her LLC company he started with her he gave her 40,000 she knew his daughter was suppose to move in with us in Jan he ended up leaving me and moving in with her in Jan and breaking his daughters heart she was 16.. She knew he left me no job no money and no where to live..if i knew that i would be gone! She told me a few months later in the few conversations I had with her to suck it up…hmm
well i guess when this all comes down and she is being questioned by the FBI she will be sucking up ..and she really is just another inocent victum.

So everyone knew and all this happened, they said love is blind and boy was i blind.

Shame on them

Top

Dear AUKMe. I believe that a person who does not speak up when he sees or hears wrong is tantamount to an accomplice. maybe not directly, but by witholding information and keeping silent when they know they should SPEAK UP. people keep silent for a variety of reasons, fear being one.

Beverly: Friends speaking up. I’m shaking my head at that question. Great question by the way. Now that my life was trashed, so many of my so-called friends are telling me that they did try to tell me. My question, when? Such a crock. I think in their heads that wanted to tell me, but to actually open their mouths and blurt it out. Never happened. Cryptically? Yeah, that sounds more like it and I’ll give that answer a “big” “maybe”. Could have, would have, should have. To me, if you are a true friend of mine, especially mine, and everyone who knows me, knows, they can say anything, anytime, any way they want to say it. If I get upset. I’ll get over it. I never shoot the messenger. To me, these life stories everyone is telling is gut wrenching and total destruction. I would SCREAM at the top of my lungs, make a big scene, camp out on someone’s door steps if I knew they were with a lowlife scum that would/could destroy them in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, back in the 70’s, one of the friends from the old neighborhood was being cheated on. I knew about it. I told her. Of course, she wanted to believe me, but he stepped in the way … and blah, blah, blah, I was the bad guy (gal) that was nothing but a busy body and all the rest of the saga of that type of story. She was kept away from me for a couple of years after my attempt to warn her. Two years later, they are getting married … weeks after I knew who he slept with and it wasn’t her. Long story short, everyone is all excited about this marriage (guys and gals). Not me. I would not go. I purposely let everyone know why I would not attend that wedding. Well, it was the talk of the wedding how I was making a scene and wouldn’t show up. The bride wanted to call me before she went down the isle and our girlfriends talked her out of it, saying I was just being a queenie over this. Anyway, I stuck to my guns. The bride called me before they left for their honeymoon over in Germany, where he was stationed. She talked with me and said she heard the rumors that I was purposely sitting this marriage out, basically boycotting it. I told her, yes, I was making a statement that your marriage should be boycotted and you don’t know the real story about your future husband. She thanked me but told me that it was going to be alright, that he was a good guy etc. (we all heard this before). I told her, that she was wrong, but I wished her the best and I told her “I hope I am wrong”. Years later, she’s back to the states, he’s left over in Germany getting some flimsy excuse to get out of the service with an honorable. Two kids in tow and she’s back at her mom’s. Well, some weekends and holidays my car is parked in front of my parents as I’m enjoying their company for the day. About a year after this childhood friend was back home with her parents … she finally waits for me to leave my parents home while I was over visiting. Catches me outside my parent’s home … and tells me that I was the only one that tried to warn her. Thanking me. It took her a complete year after returning home to get up the nerve to tell me this. Such a sweet person. I know she was back in school to get her degree and that she eventually moved out of her folks, got her own place and raised her children. I haven’t seen her in years. I hope she is OK.

Bottom line, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, scream loud and clearly, none of this cryptic stuff that is more confusing than the guy/gal a friend is involved with. I’d rather be called any name from A-Z then to see someone in my predicament. Actually, I’m used to be called everything from A-Z from the anti-socials.

Peace.

Dear Free: I’m confused about where to post my response to you regarding cutting your so-called girlfriend’s from your life after they slept with your husband. But here it goes. Good for you. I didn’t know if you were strong enough to cut them totally out of your life. As I explained earlier in one of my posts to you, those women aren’t at your level. Whether they ever get there or not, It is up to them to stop sticking their heads in the sand. They need to take it on the chin, go through the pain, pull themselves up, brush themselves off and put one foot in front of the other … just like we did/are doing. No ducking this issue. I know too man women like this … they are under the delusion that they have something special that the rest of us don’t. That is the oldest, lamest, excuse in the world. Get a grip already. I have 2 friends that have never crossed that line. Never, ever. Never even had it cross their minds. Those are my best friends. All the rest that I grew up with, they all made their plays for the man I had in my life at that time. One of the good guys. He told me about their advances. Incredible. I was only 19 y.o. at the time. I think of all those times I had their men alone with me. Never once did I ever think of stepping over that line. Even years later after they broke up or their marriages fell apart and I ran into these men did I ever cross the line. I was asked many times and I told them “you are my friend’s memory, good or bad, you are her memories and no one has the right to tread on that”. Too bad if they didn’t like my answer. Who cares if it was 20 or 30 years ago. They still made the decision to date or marry my friend(s). When it’s over and they both moved on with their lives … don’t bring a friend into the mix, ever. No matter how many years the relationship is over. There are plenty of fish in the sea … go find some one else that will make you happy. I’m old school and proud of it.

Peace.

Ooops. Shouldn’t have used that terminology of Proud. Wasn’t thinking … but I do carefully think about those I love. Maybe that’s the better way to phrase this.

Accepting the TRUTH I think is the miracle that sets us all free. I know for one, that I FOUGHT accepting the truth even though there was PROOF, I denied it–I excused it—I rationalized it….finally I ACCEPTED IT and it was painful, but the TRUTH WILL SET US FREE of the P-FOG and the lies and eventually the pain.

Accepting the TRUTH that our Ps, regardless of how much we loved them, DO AND DID NOT LOVE US, they USED US.

Accepting THE TRUTH that our Ps will never change, will never feel remorse, will never value us or anyone else.

Accepting the TRUTH that they may “get away with” some of their crimes.

Accepting the TRUTH that they have wounded us.

Accepting the TRUTH that WE CAN HEAL OURSELVES.

Accepting the TRUTH that there is a lesson here for us, that there is something in us that made us vulnerable to the Predator Psychopaths—just like a wildebeest with a limp out of a herd of thousands is picked by the lion when he is stalking, something in the gait of the one animal out of thousands lets the predator lion know that he is the one to go after, that that one animal is vulnerable. What each of us has as that vulnerability–low self esteem, unquestioning love, denial, whatever it is, we need to HEAL that “limp” that leaves us more vulnerable to the predator Ps. Whatever “emotional thorn” is in our “emotional foot” we need to find, remove and heal.

But once the healing is done, once the wounds they inflicted on us are healed, we will be smarter, wiser, and less vulnerable to the next predator on the prowl.

The TRUTH is our miracle!

Hiya OxyD. A good posting about the truth, not as they see it, but as it is real. The TRUTH for me is that he didnt have to stake me out, I just went and sat on his table with him – in a sense I fell right into his lap!! LOL

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