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After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free.

It was just a simple text message, “He’s a liar”. At the time of its arrival on her cellphone, Sarah* didn’t know its value. But, as the days unfolded and the story of his deceit was revealed, that little text message became a miracle. A gift from God. A sign from the angels that her life was about to change, radically, for the better.

When I first spoke with her, she couldn’t see the miracle of that text message. She could only feel its pain. She couldn’t see the gift of knowledge it presented or the freedom it represented. She didn’t want to see it was a gift for a better future. She wanted his love to be true. She wanted him to be true. She wanted time to rewind and take her back to time before the text message arrived, to time before everything went wrong.

“It’s all my fault,” she said. “If only I had….” And then, she listed of the hundred things she could have done differently to keep his love true.

“There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed him,” I told her. “Tall. Short. Fat. Skinny. Blond. Brunette. Green eyes. Blue eyes. Fair-skinned. Dark-skinned. You could have dyed your hair pink and stood on your head spitting nickles. There is nothing you could have done to change him or make his love true. He is the lie.”

And that’s the challenge of loving a narcissist or a sociopath. There is nothing we can do to change who they are and what they’re doing. Lies are the lifeblood of their trade. They are subject matter experts in human manipulation and they spend their lives honing their craft. They don’t care if they hurt people. People are the fridges of their supply. Open the door, take out what you need and close it until you need more. Keeping their victims chilling on ice is part of their game. Keeping their victims locked up, their minds frozen over ponds of fear and disbelief, that is what they need to ensure the victim doesn’t see the light of their betrayal. They do what they want, get what they need however they can because what they want is all that counts.

For Sarah, the pain of his betrayal has left her reeling. They met when she was eighteen. He was three years older. A fireman. Tall. Strong. Silent. He’s had over five years to weave his web of lies around her, in and out of her psyche. He’s had five years to contort reality, distort perceptions and distend her belief in herself into a bloated bladder of vile pus oozing with self-deprecation and disbelief.

And now she must heal.

“Why would he do this? He said he loved me? Why? Why? Why?” she asked as every woman and man asks when awakened to the truth of their lies.

“Because he can. Because he must. Because he does. It’s what he does. It’s who he is,” I told her. “Lies are like breathing to him. Protecting his ego at all costs is his purpose and in his mind, there is no higher purpose, no greater calling. It is all he can do.”

For Sarah, facing the truth is a raw, jagged journey through the minefield of the past where he gave her the ‘gift’ of his love and wrapped her up in the invibisble bonds of terror of his lies.

Sarah is lucky. That text message arrived two months before they were to share their vows. Two months before they made a commitment to love each other, ’til death do us part.

“Your love was true, Sarah. “I told her as we sat in her parents living room, the dining room table covered in spread sheets and bank statements. Her mother and father have been unravelling the financial nightmare of his deceit. It’s something tangible, factual that they can hang onto. What they don’t know how to do is bring her peace of mind. Ease the burden of the truth she must face in order to heal.

“Your love was true. His was always the lie. There is no truth in anything he said. No truth in telling you you’re beautiful to telling you you’re ugly. There is no truth in his ‘I love you’ and no truth in his ‘I hate you’. He does not contain the truth. You do. And the truth is, he has betrayed you. He has hurt you and you can never say good-bye.”

“But I want to say good-bye,” she wailed. “I want to tell him how much he hurt me. How this has harmed me.”

“The only good-bye will be the slamming of door when you go back to the house to pack up your things. When you leave, slam the door and know, that is the most deadening sound he will ever hear. It is the only sound you ever want to give him.”

“I have to go pick up my wedding dress this week. He’s paying me back for all the wedding expenses. He wants the dress.”

“Good,” I said. “After you get the money, and if it’s a cheque make sure it clears the bank, give him back the dress. But first, take out your scapbooking scissors and cut it up into a thousand pieces.”

“But I promised to return the dress,” she said.

“And you will be returning the dress. Nobody said anything about what shape it had to be in.”

She looked at me, her gentle blue eyes opened wide with surprised. For the first time since we began talking two hours before, she smiled. “Ah, now that would be sweet revenge.” She paused and laughed, her eyes lighting up, “I’ll do it!”

Yes, she will do it. She will heal and grow and recover and reclaim what was lost. And in that journey she will embrace the miracle of the text message that saved her life from growing darker and darker as she began to fade into the weave of a narcissist’s lies blocking the light from penetrating her mind.

Miracles are free.

In the gift of their arrival, grace descends as we open up to the truth of their revelations. With grace, we are invited to slip into the healing waters of love so that we can set ourselves free of lies and deception and dance with joy, in harmony with the truth around us. Miracles are free and so are we.

*Not her real name.


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79 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: Miracles that set us free."

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LL I didn’t see your second post until after I posted my answer to your first….back again I say to the GOD GAVE YOU A BRAIN, USE IT—Paul also says that if you have tired to help a person stop their evil deeds, and failed after trying various avenues, then TREAT THEM LIKE A HEATHEN AND DON’T EVEN EAT WITH THEM…that is NC. NO CONTACT. So there is no list of do this do that in the Bible or any other book that we can just use like a COOK BOOK to follow, add 1/2 teaspoon of salt, add 1 cup of flour, and bake at 325 degrees for 25.323 minutes and you’ll have perfect bread. We have to use our GOOD SENSE and reason to come to the general idea of how to behave in most circumstances.

Okay. Thou Shalt not Steal. That’s one of the 10 commandments, but what about if your kids are hungry and there is no way else to feed them? Is it okay to steal then? Or do you let your kids die of hunger instead of filching a loaf of bread off a window sil? So we have to use GOOD SENSE and I just finished reading a book about some guys off the Whale ship Essex, that sunk in 1819, and they were starving….thou shalt not kill…but they drew straws to see which one would be the one to die, and which one would kill him in order that a few at least should survive? Were they wrong to do that? Did they violate God’s commands “thou shalt not kill?” When they got back to Nantucket no one prosecuted them for murder or even was “mad at” them for doing what they did. How about puttiing a murderer to death by hanging? Is that wrong (assuming he is guilty) is the man who executes him guilty of murder or killing?

There are all kinds of different circumstances and so we have to look at things in a way that go along with “good sense” and “good moral compass.” The Friends (Quakers) started out as a sect that fought against the various and sundry rules of various churches, and fought against having all these rules, they wanted to live simply, but they kept “defining” SIMPLE until it became so complex that their sect almost died out because NO ONE could figure out if a blue dress was simple enough or if it had to be a green dress to be really “simple.” The DETAILS became so complex that it was more complex than the “simplification” they had tried to do in breaking away from in the first place.

So I suggest that you read your Bible, study and use your BRAIN to try to answer your own questions and make decisions for yourself about what is right and what is too much. There are lots of opinions about what is right and wrong in this world, so read and learn about the various ones and see what your opinion is. Make up your own mind. I swallowed too much of egg donor’s ideas, and eventually I came to see that I needed to formulate my OWN IDEAS of what is right and what is wrong. I studied with some people who were learned in the scriptures, I learned I read, I pondered and I prayed…and tried to educate myself, and make up my own mind. I think you are smart enough and capable enough to do that as well! (((hugs))) and God bless.

Ox,

Thanks. I wasn’t looking for a distraction, I know what I need to do, I wanted to ask for clarification on what scripture says and means about that with regards to toxic (evil) persons vs. people who are in trouble but want to heal.

How Paul defines toxic, how scripture defines it as a whole.

What it means to be good and kind to others, maintaining a sense of self in the process.

I know I”m in no way ready to give outside myself except for on a limited basis, nor would I even bother to try.

Just wanting to know what Paul means in his letters to Timothy, particularly striking to me was KINDNESS TO EVERYONE.

I do still have to function in the world. Discernment is key in dealing with others too. There is no way to avoid what may potentially be another toxic person. Particularly in a work/school environment.

Just things I’m thinking through in what God expects of us outside in dealing with the world.

Thanks for your input, Ox.

LL

Ox,

Wow! Thanks! I’d not thought of it that way.

That would be God speaking to me personally through scripture in what it means to me, what He is saying to me personally through the word. Gotcha.

BTW, I’m enjoying reading it very much! With all the crap that was ex and his pontificating that he believed, he sure never discussed it.

Time to exercise the spiritual muscles!

Thanks a lot Ox. There is wisdom, LOTS in your second post!

Dear LL,

Lots of us got ourselves into a bad situation by doing things we shouldn’t do…like for example, let’s say a person is an ACTIVE drunk…you can “help” them, I think, but giving them money that they are going to use to buy booze isn’t “helping” them….but if they are sober, feeding them isn’t bad, or even if they stumble into a soup kitchen with booze on their breath…feeding them is being kind and non judgmental. So there is a fine line sometimes between enabling and helping people…and it is up to our judgment to decide which is which. But one thing is for sure, when we help people we are not to expect gratitude….or to feel like the people owe us something because we tried to “help” them. We need to freely give our help, offer it freely, expecting nothing in return.
Yea, we can’t live on Mars away from every bad person in the world. I wish we could sometimes. LOL

Ox,

I enjoy giving to others. I always have. But sometimes my motives weren’t pure in heart. What I mean by that is that I couldn’t really “afford” with resources or time, to give what I did. And I overlooked the toxic people who took advantage of that giving.

This is why hospice work was so incredible for me. I learned FROM my patients, not only about them, but so much about myself this way. I do not fear death and dying. The time spent with these patients was very quiet time, there is no “fanfare” in hospice care. It was by far the most awesome experience of my life and I was blessed beyond blessed. It was also much more of a spiritual experience than even going to church! lol! It was very deeply, richly rewarding. Someday, I’d like to go in again as a volunteer. That’s down the road though.

I do understand what you’re saying here in making good judgment calls and it is according to each separate situation. There is a fine line between helping and enabling and while I’m going to help my friend with cancer, she knows I am not in a place (I did make an exception with emergencies), to take her to her doc appts and such, but if she needs to talk or vent or visit and have coffee so she can unload, I CAN do that.

Ox, I don’t always agree with you on your opinions. And if I don’t, I feel free to say so, learning to take what I need and leave the rest, but I can tell you that the pearls of wisdom you have given me are worth their weight in gold to me.

Thanks for putting up with my arse while I walk this path!

LL

I was go ne for a while, when one side this site helped me, on other side it kept me remind what he has done, which was painful. I have been trying to move on. Signed up in online dating site. But as soon as anybody uses same phrases as my expath, I run in opposite direction. It is nice to see people are interested in me, but I feel very dry, and find myself not saying anything flattery back, which shows that I am very serious person, not a fun person.

Then suddenly expath’s profile came in my mailbox, and I was shocked to see, that he called himself a “widower” not “divorced”, looking for sympathy.

He talks about honesty is everything in his profile and how he likes honest people. I wonder what story is he going to tell his new victim, wh is he a widower.

He showed his income as well, the money he never wanted to share with his wife, and became a big sore point for divorce, and I was left with nothing, now he is showing his big money to catch a new victim.

It made me feel sick to my tummy for a day, am doing better today.

My brother said, these dating site should have a place like amazon.com has, where people can leave comments about THIS PRODUCT (person). People can make their own judgement about this product (person), like we do for a real product.

Not sure how to deal with new news, but I guess living in same area, I better be prepared for more surprises.

I have no contact since last one year, divorce got finalized recently.

Dear Heart,

Unfortunately, the dating sites on line are like FISHING IN A SEWER, you KNOW WHAT YOU WILL CATCH….they are popular trolling grounds for psychopaths….as you can see yours is already on there and already lying to catch new “fish”

Why don’t you focus more on healing yourself, not looking for someone new (and when you do start being open to someone new) meet them in real life where you can get to know them first. Dating sites are pretty scarry places.

Thanks Ox, yes I came ot same conclusion. I am now totally skeptical about people I don’t know personally. Gosh I knew exspath, see even then what has happened. I know now I can’t deal with degree of unkowns.

Heart- Listen to oxy. Going on dating sites is like walking into a pool full of piranhas. You just don’t want to risk getting bit. And trust me, on dating sites, your chances of getting involved with a psychopath are VERY HIGH. They’re like the psychopath’s hunting grounds. The set-up works in their favor, you see? Anonymity, the freedom to write whatever bullshit on your profile you like- regardless of whether or not that B.S. is actually true- being given the “schema” of what a person likes & dislikes ( which the P will definitely keep on hand to better manipulate and mirror you with ) and LOTS, i mean LOTS of prey.

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