How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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11 abusive behaviors you’re likely to see from sociopathic partners

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UPDATED FOR 2022: When Lovefraud readers ask me for personal consultations, it's because someone in their lives usually a romantic partner acts in ways that they simply cannot understand. The readers describe an unfathomable mixture of affection, attention, contradictions, deception, blaming and rage. It makes no sense and it's behavior that they've never seen before. So imagine the readers' surprise when I say, “Yeah, they all do that.” It's true. Sociopaths all seem to engage in the same abusive behaviors. Recognizing physical and sexual abuse is straightforward enough. You may also be aware of psychological and emotional abuse. But if you're involved with a sociopath, you may als …

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How do sociopaths know what tactics to use?

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Lovefraud received the following question from a reader who was trying to understand sociopathic behavior: HOW do sociopaths KNOW what to do or how to act or what tactics to use to get what they want? They use tactics such as intermittent reinforcement or hijack our human bonding system, but they do not have degrees in psychology, nor do they consciously understand (I assume) that this is what they are doing – so HOW do they know to use those tactics to begin with??  It’s as if they are reading from the same ‘manual’ and that makes me wonder: Is it subconscious, intuitive behavior on their part?? Yes, sociopaths all seem to be operating out of the same playbook. Let’s take a look at it: …

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Healthy shame, toxic shame and sociopaths

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As human beings, we’re not perfect, and sometimes we learn this the hard way. Shame is the unpleasant, unsettling emotion that we feel when we discover a defect in ourselves. Although we feel badly, shame can actually be constructive — it can motivate us to learn, improve, or make amends. This is healthy shame. Toxic shame, however, is destructive; we feel weak, pathetic and worthless. Sociopaths never feel healthy shame, and they push us to feel toxic shame. At the most basic level, shame is a defense mechanism, according to the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM). It enables us to learn how to keep ourselves safe from harm. This was important i …

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The silent treatment and sociopaths — it’s all about control

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If you have a sociopath in your life — whether a romantic partner, family member or friend — you probably have experienced, or will experience, the silent treatment. Why? Because from the sociopath’s point of view, it works. What is the silent treatment? As the term implies, someone who engages in the silent treatment stops talking to you. You want to communicate, and the other person refuses. If you are trying to contact the individual when you are not physically in the same place, they don’t respond to your texts, emails or phone calls. If you are in the same house — heck, even in the same room — they do not acknowledge you, let alone speak to you. They may look at you, then look away. …

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In the New Year, true emotional recovery from the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2022: It's the New Year, the perfect time to reflect on what we truly want in life. If you are or have been involved with a sociopath, your most ardent wish is probably for recovery. Here's the secret that will enable you to achieve your desire: All true healing is internal. Therefore, be sure to work on your emotional recovery. You may feel like I'm stating the obvious, because you feel like crap, and you want to feel better. Or worse, you are numb, and you can't feel anything. You may believe that fixing some external problem caused by the sociopath will enable you to feel better. If you can just finalize the divorce, get custody of the kids, move away, get your money b …

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Watch Donna Andersen on the Investigation Discovery TV show ‘Love, Honor, Betray’

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I invite all Lovefraud readers to watch me tell my story of marriage to a sociopathic con man in the season finale of the new Investigation Discovery series called, Love, Honor, Betray. The show aired on Dec. 16, 2021, but you can still watch it on demand and online. My show is Episode 6, Too Good to Be True. (Ain't that the truth.) You can watch it here: InvestigationDiscovery.com - Search for the show on the website. If your cable TV service provides this channel you can log in and watch free. Discovery+ - Streaming service for all Discovery shows. Go to the Investigation Discovery section then search for the show. Amazon Prime - Free if you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, or you can buy …

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Recover from the sociopath by acknowledging the pain

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UPDATED FOR 2021. Editor's note: Lovefraud previously published a letter from a reader whom we called "Bessy." It was entitled, "The only hope I have is that Karma exists." This is a follow-up letter from Bessy — she's not feeling any better. In my response, I suggest that she acknowledge the pain. My ex has not contacted me in 9 months and I know I should feel lucky, but I feel even more inadequate and unlovable than he made me feel back then. Why do I hear of boomerangs and "they always come back" stories and my phone is silent. Was "I" that bad??? I was vulnerable I think I was attracted and vulnerable in the first place because I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, a …

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My psychopathic ex-husband is dead, and his pedophile brother is in prison

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My psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, died on February 16, 2021, in New South Wales, Australia. I heard about it a few days later from the woman he married after me. James Montgomery was still my husband when he married her; it was the second time he committed bigamy. But hey, who’s counting? The news that James Montgomery died had no effect on me. In fact, the same day I learned about my ex-husband’s death, I also saw the obituary in the newspaper for the first man I dated after I graduated from college. For him, I felt sadness. For my ex-husband, I felt nothing. That’s probably why it took me so long to write that James Montgomery died here on Lovefraud. It simply didn’t ma …

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5 warning signs of narcissistic rage and what you should do

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Something happens — perhaps even something small — and your partner explodes. He or she launches into a tirade, slams doors, throws things and appears to be on the edge of physical violence. What do you do? Narcissistic rage is really scary. The rager may yell, scream, curse, demean, belittle, shake fists and back you into a corner — and that's assuming the person doesn't get violent. If the situation escalates, the rager may throw or break items, punch the wall — possibly next to your head — and threaten you. Some may lose control totally and physically strike you. Usually, the display of aggression is way out of proportion to whatever it was that supposedly triggered the anger. Narcis …

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To Mom and Dad: 9 reasons why your son or daughter fell for a sociopath

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UPDATE FOR 2021 To the Mom and Dad of a Lovefraud Target, Your son or daughter has now come to the brutal realization that the entire relationship was a scam. Perhaps you've had your suspicions for a while. Perhaps you've even tried to tell your kid that the partner was no good, but he or she wouldn't listen to you. Now everything has collapsed, and you can't understand why your son or daughter didn't see it coming. Please understand that sociopaths are professional con artists, and they are really, really good at what they do. In fact, they spend their entire lives perfecting their craft. Following are nine reasons why your son or daughter fell for it. 1. Your son or …

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