By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC "When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser"--Socrates It comes as no surprise to me that during this horrendous outbreak of COVID-19, narcissists capitalize on the misfortune of others and use the quarantine to take their abuse and lack of respect to new heights. Divorced and separated individuals are especially susceptible to the narcissist’s pathological rage during a time like this. Let’s examine an example of a narcissist using the crisis as leverage. Rob’s ex-spouse wants 100% custody Rob has 4 children all under the age of 11. Rob has partial custody and has them in his home most weekends and other …
Emotional incest and enmeshment in narcissistic families
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC/MT Since Joseph was very young, he lived with his mother, father and grandmother, as well as several other older siblings. Joseph’s mother was always controlling. Any time Joseph protested the demands she place on him, she said, “I’m the mother, and what I say goes." And the demands were relentless. Instead of allowing him to socialize with his friends, she wanted him to stay home so she could always monitor him. Never mind the fact that she did not even interact with him while he stayed in the house. All she needed was for him to be present physically. Joseph’s father was a workaholic and was never home — which enabled him to avoid confronting his …
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Sociopathic Abuse and Impaired Executive Functioning Skills
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC/MT What are executive functioning skills? As a behavioral therapist, I work with many clients who have impaired executive functioning skills. The term sounds pretty fancy and quite technical, but there is a simple explanation. The term executive functioning skills refer to a set of management skills that assist children and adults in achieving their goals through: prioritizing organizing remaining focused regulating emotions As children grow and become critical thinkers, it is necessary to be able to adapt to change and have the ability to revise strategies to reach personal, social and academic goals. What happens when executive …
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Avoiding narcissistic abuse and PTSD during the holidays
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M. ED, BSC/MT “Do not just slay your demons. Dissect them and find what they’ve been feeding on.”—The Man Frozen in Time Angela was married to a personality disordered husband. She was already traumatized by the threat of danger with each day that she continued a relationship with him. With the prompting and help of her friend, a clergyman, she filed for divorce. As the divorce was unfolding, her siblings, as was custom throughout the years, continued to demand her presence at all family functions. She had young children, and knew that she should not subject them to the heavy drinking and other activities not appropriate for them. Whenever Angela had …
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What is sociopathic abuse by proxy?
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED, BSC/MT If you have had the misfortune of dealing with a sociopath in your life, you are well acquainted with many of their abuse strategies that left you feeling you are like a deer in the headlights, taken by surprise and knocked off your feet. However, there are times when sociopaths do not come straight at you on their own, but employ third parties to carry out their control tactics to ensure you are complying with their demands on a continual basis. This is called abuse by proxy. Why does the sociopath employ third parties? There may be several reasons why the sociopath doesn't use direct tactics with you. You may have inflicted narcissistic …
Forgiveness and sociopathic abusers — what the Bible says
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED. BSC/MT As a Christian, I am required to forgive someone if they repent from their misdeeds. Genuine repentance means that a person completely refuses to engage in former abusive behaviors, especially when it comes to how that person behaves with you. Humility is required of all human beings in determining that we many have hurt someone by something we have said or done. Are we required to keep forgiving abusers? In the Bible, God is clear about the requirements for forgiveness. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the …
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16 sociopathic quirks — what have you seen?
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed BSC/MT While engaged the struggle with toxic people, I kept a subconscious diary of behaviors, words, movements and facial expressions for various types of sociopaths that I encountered in my life. Perhaps you have observed the polar opposite of my top 16 list. Maybe you have some more you would like to add? Please feel free to comment below. 1 . They are binge-watchers of shows/movies about sociopaths, psychopaths and oversexed women. Some examples: Dexter, Sherlock, The Godfather, Sex and the City, Breaking Bad. You get the idea. These programs glorify their disorder. I believe it validates their behaviors. Perhaps they are picking up on new ideas on …
Fraud at first sight — seduced by a sociopathic woman and her parents
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed BSC/MT Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud — Sophocles Sociopaths scramble their target’s ability to discern the truth about how a situation or person could potentially be dangerous. Our brains are designed to notice patterns, and make decisions based on the anticipation of these patterns. Because the sociopath confuses the target with lies and alternate kind/cruel behaviors, it becomes nearly impossible for the target to identify that carefully constructed façade that hides the true self, which in reality, is an empty vessel with no identity. Let us consider “Michael,” a tough military guy trained to detect danger. Michael meets …
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Growing up in a narcissistic family—is it abuse?
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED BSC/MT “Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire”—St. Katherine of Siena Admitting abuse, especially by a family or family member, is extremely difficult. Families are supposed to be safe havens where you are loved unconditionally and respected as an individual. Being treated poorly is not normal. Those who are abused in families tend to make excuses for the abusers, especially abusive parents. To come to terms that abuse is taking place in your family is to admit the unthinkable, that you were never loved. So how can know you are part of a narcissistic family? What happens in a narcissistic family that makes it abusive? Please …