18 years later…

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Jan7 1 year, 6 months ago.

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  • #39549


    Jeezus! I’ve been to hell and back over the past 18 years. 2 weeks ago I came across an article about narcissism and I was dumbfounded. The man described in the article is the same man that’s been toying with my heart all these years. I have been chasing a love that never really existed. I’m married but continued to see him because we were “soulmates”. My husband found out but pretty much accepted the situation. I treated a great man like crap because I believed the N thought the world of me all these years. The N came to me last summer and said he was tired of being unhappy, he too is married. He said we should finally be together so we don’t hurt anyone anymore. I believed him, told my husband I was leaving. The N told his wife and she later moved out. His behavior began to change he was increasingly disrespectful. He said to me during an argument ” I can buy bitches like you”. He spent quite a bit of money on me over the course of our “new committed” relationship. I thought surely he wouldn’t spend this kind of money if he wasn’t serious about me becoming his wife. The last straw was when we argued on the way to the airport. He started to degrade me like he normally does and I lost it. I started punching him because he pushed me into a rage. I admit I was wrong for hitting him but what happened next changed us forever. He poured water all over me while he was driving, then he punched the rearview mirror and damn near shattered the windshield. I knew he was strong but I didn’t think anyone could do that with their hand. I was scared but him shattering the glass showed he had “some” restraint. Next thing I knew he was choking me. I couldn’t call the police because I’m a married woman somewhere I shouldn’t be. The past 2 months have been awful, I was sick with anxiety on a daily basis and when I saw his number pop up on my phone I instantly felt nauseous. This incident marked the end for me. Only he wasn’t ready for me to go. He threatened to “blow my head off”, kill my husband and expose me to my co-workers. The next day he called sobbing and screaming on the phone for me to give him another chance because he couldn’t live without me. He threatened suicide and got a few of our friends involved in what was going on. I received a text message from his wife stating she knew he was in love with me and would honor a divorce but to please give him another chance. I decided to call her and it turned out he had text me from her phone. This woman knew nothing about me and was still living with him. They were very much together. My head was spinning I had put myself through all of this turmoil for nothing. After I spoke to his wife we both confronted him and he blamed me, told me I had ruined his life. I decided to change my phone number but I continued to communicate with him. The begging and pleading continued through email. I stopped responding and then the next day he had a new face on. He sent me awful emails describing my body in the most embarrassing way. He told me he had to “f” me in the dark because I disgusted him. He also included nude photos of me and threatened to post and show them to people we knew. I know you’re shaking your head at the photos but this man was going to be my husband, I trusted him. I felt so empty and went over our relationship over and over again. I kept thinking of what I could’ve done differently to save our relationship. Then I read the article and I can not stop reading. Over the course of our 18 years he used to pop up and make me fall in love with him then he would disappear for months with no explanation. He told the wildest stories with just enough truth that I rarely looked into anything. I’ve closed all my email accounts except for my work email (I can’t). After everything this man has put me through I’m still waiting to hear from him. A part of me wants to believe that someone could actually love me the way he did even though it was a damn lie.

  • #40335


    Maybe someone here will understand. I have a relative who is going through much of what you describe.

    I don’t mean any disrespect if you are real person, but are you for real? Are you a real person, or spam? We had a spammer recently which is why I ask.

    Whichever, the bottom line is, it’s a bad idea to have a male friendship if one is married, or in a committed relationship. As you have now realized.

  • #40336


    Unfortunately, My situation and I are very real. I knew the married part of my story would cause some judgement. I know what I did was wrong. My husband married me because I had our daughter. I spent much of my marriage feeling lonely and wishing I had married my N. My marriage has never been very fulfilling, my husband could never love me the way my N did. I spent many years in a depressed marriage longing for someone that never loved me. I’ve wasted so much time thinking he was my soulmate and loved me beyond imagination. After reading about these kinds of people, I’m crushed because now I question every tender moment I shared with my N. My husband didn’t give me what I needed, my N gave me that and much more. It just sucks to realize your one true love was just playing games.

  • #40337


    21uptown, WOW…I’m so glad that you have found out the truth about this evil manipulative abusive man!!! What a blessing to have come across that article & what a blessing that you had the foresight to keep search finding your way to this wonderful site Lovefraud!!

    Please keep in mind that we are not taught about these personality disordered individual…had you (me & everyone here at LF) been educated we would have never been sucked into these crazy relationships.

    Please also keep in my the Narcissist NEVER loved you! They are not capable of loving anyone.

    I like the old saying:

    When you know better, you do better.

    You know know better = he is evil.

    Take another look at your husband to see if he is the man that you want but you just needed to open up the communication with him. Most narcissist are masterful with words…this is how they suck us in..they will talk, talk, talk and tell us exactly what we want to hear…but their words are NEVER back up with actions.

    You have taken POWERFUL steps to cut this guy out of your life! Pat yourself on the back hon, it’s not easy to go No Contact with a narcissist but you have by blocking him.

    Give it time and keep reading everything here at love fraud & watch the videos Donna Anderson has created up at the top of LF. They are excellent.

    Keep in mind narcissist & sociopath narcissist LITERALLY brain wash us with their words. EXACTLY like a cult leader does to his cult followers!! YES, you were brain washing & mind controlled by this guy to believe he loved you, he is incapable of loving anyone, you, his wife or any other woman he has on the hook.

    Know that 87\% of men that are caught cheating want to remain with their wife not their mistress. ALL his words to you were LIES!! ALL OF THEM…just like all the words to his wife were LIES also.

    I’m truly sorry that you got tangled up with this evil man. It’s a nightmare the tornado of destruction these people leave behind.

    My best advise to you is to realize that you were in a mentally, emotionally, physical, financal, and verbally abusive relationship!!

    Do you realize he is a abusive man?

    Do you know that a woman that is strangled by her bf/husband is 5 times more likely to be murdered by him??!!!!


    Do you know that a woman that is strangled by her bf/husband is 5 times more likely to be murdered by him??!!!!


    GET A RESTRAINING ORDERS ASAP!! He has threaten you & your family!!!


    My advise to you is to know that you are not alone anymore! You have held in all these emotions for far to long. You have been isolated emotionally by him so that he can have control over you.

    It’s time now to seek help from your country’s NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE in the USA 800-799-SAFE (if not in the USA just google those words with you country’s name). CALL THEM ASAP!!

    Keep in mind he is madder then hell that he has lost you & also sounds like his wife is leaving him since you spoke with her & told her the truth (which by the way you are setting her free from this crazy abusive man too!! It was A GOOD thing that you called her remember that!! She has been living in hell now she too can escape him)

    Ask them for help with a safety & Exit Plan out of this abusive relationship!!


    YOU ARE NOT ALONE HON…KEEP REACHING OUT FOR HELP…and keep posting here at love fraud. If no one answers your post here on this page then posted it on one of the main post (more people read the blog post so they will see it).


    Look up these terms here on love fraud & on the next:

    Pathological liar
    No contact rule
    Sociopath no contact rule
    narcissist no contact rule
    gas lighting abuse
    sociopath smear campaign
    sociopath triangulation (sending you the email from his wives phone)

  • #40338


    Synergy, your comments are out of line.

    Please be respectful to ALL victims of a narcissist and/or sociopath whether they are the mistress or the wife/girlfriend. These evil people suck in anyone & everyone into their con game. She is a victim of this narcissist just like his wife is.

    31Uptown…please keep posting her. I was the wife of a sociopaths who had many mistresses during our marriage. I found out about 5 after I escape him. After I was educated I leaned that we ALL were conned into his evil destructive world..just like you were conned hon.

    Keep posting her…it really does help to heal.

    KNOW that you are not alone anymore.

    Take care.

  • #40343


    Jan7 thank you, thank you, thank you! Your kindness means the world to me. I’ve never been more confused in my life. Huge hugs to you as well.

  • #40346


    31 Uptown,

    Lots of us here were cheated on, by the N/P’s we were embroiled with. I think this leaves some victims pretty cynical about the subject of infidelity. This is not an excuse, as MANY of us ALSO did other things we would NEVER do if it weren’t for our involvement with these N/P’s.

    I wore slutty clothes. Which would SHOCK anyone who knows me now. I stayed out late, missed work, and didn’t eat. I drank too much, and acted like I was a teenager. I was in my mid 40’s. I paid the price. Lost $, my job, and friends.

    I am so sorry for what you have been through. 18 years is a powerful investment in love (on your side), and deception (on his side). He played a VERY long con. Many of them do. It also makes leaving, sorting out your feelings and (mis)beliefs about your relationship, and getting yourself back to reality a process that will require a total commitment from you, TO you.

    When we believe in something, even something false, and we get intermittent reinforcement, and the language used to describe this false thing is ‘beautiful’ AND false (as in I want to be with you, you are what I have been waiting for, I am ready to leave my wife…..this is the best sex I have ever had, etc….) then our false belief becomes CEMENTED in our brains/bodies. It is an actual neural ‘track’ that our thinking and emotions get stuck on. It is a both biological and psychological. Hormones, thoughts, and our nervous system respond in predictable ways to the kinds of fraudulent, deceitful, and manipulative tactics that these sorts employ.

    Making it VERY hard to re-route ourselves once we find out the truth. Making us feel like you do. You know now that he lied over and over and over. Yet you FEEL like you want to see him, to believe again that it was ‘real’, and to not feel the pain and betrayal you now feel.

    Almost like coming off of a long addiction to drugs.

    This is why you will feel like some part of you is dying to see him, even as your intellect KNOWS he has completely duped you, and left you with mounds of shame and guilt.

    What you need, need, need to do is read everything here you can (about personality disorders, how to get away from a relationship with an abuser, etc). Buy books. Read our stories and answers to one another. This will create a new track in your brain (based on truth and facts and experience) so that you can be released from your conflicting thoughts and feelings about him, and EXPERIENCE him and the situation for what it REALLY is. But you have to stick with it, every day, for a significant period of time in order to be (for lack of a better phrase) ‘unbrainwashed’.

    There are also many other things you can do to support yourself through this process. Journaling, therapy, massage, yoga, walks, dancing, running, art, meditation, maybe antidepressants (as appropriate). Things that are good for YOU.

    This is why no contact is absolutely necessary. If you continue to listen to what he has to say, his ‘framing’ of what is happening, then it becomes waaaay more difficult for you to see your OWN REALITY. He is an expert con man and ‘salesman’ of b.sh*t. He KNOWS how to manipulate you, as he has had 18 years of practice. Don’t let him have one more second of your time, or attention.

    There is no soft way to do this. No gradual leaving. No closure that is emotionally satisfying.

    For me it was one of the hardest periods of growth in my entire life.

    And it was 1000\% worth it. I would NEVER even consider any kind of re-engagement with him, or anyone like him. I am happy. I am safe. I am not confused. I am not pining for love. I am strong, decisive, and centered in my own life. I have values and I live by them, with kindness and empathy for myself and others.

    I was raised by one of these people, and went on to have multiple relationships with these kinds (as they were ‘normal’ for me). Coming out of my own personal fog was a HUGE struggle. So though I may sound pretty cut and dried believe me I sympathize. I do. And I know you can get through this!!!

    Cyberhugs to you,

  • #40347


    31uptown, ahh you are so welcome hon. I know how confusing it can be…been there too.

    I remember finally escaping my husband and turing to a counselor. The first day on her couch I told her I am so “confused, I dont know if the marriage failed because of me, him or both”.

    That statement was a RED FLAG to her…by me using the word “confusing” it guided her to ask further questions and within 20 min of meeting with her she told me that I was married to a sociopath and that I was in a very abusive relationship.

    Did I know I was being abused emotionally, mentally & verbally?

    YES…but I was so confused. I could not tell you which way was up or down. He had my mind so twisted up. My ex had me listening to his words & not what I saw in his behavior or listening to my gut.

    Sociopaths can twist our minds up with their words.

    This is where you are at right now.

    He has your mind so twisted up. This is another good reason why it is important to follow the NO contact rule. To give you breathing room to clear your mind from the brain fog he has you under. Your mind will clear with time. Your hormones & adrenaline & cortisol are thru the roof right now preventing you from having a clear mind. These hormones will settle with time.

    slimone’s comment below is EXCELLENT…read her comment over & over. You must open your mind up from the brain washing & mind control he has over you. And you can not do this if you are talking with him or emailing him or texting him.

    Remember this:

    He is a Cult leader

    You are his cult follower.


    He is PURE PURE EVIL and with time & education you will see this clear as day. Right now you are in the dark still. That is where he put you & his wife to control both of you.

    I can tell you from the wife’s perspective that my husband (now ex) was telling me he “loved me”, “dont leave me”, “I cant live without you”….

    But it was not until the end that I realized that he was telling his mistress the same. He was playing us BOTH!!

    Just like this guy is playing you & his wife!!!

    YES…he is playing both of you.


    When you are sad = read

    when you are angry = read

    when you miss him = read

    when you are crying = read

    when you are sobbing = read

    Also watch the Vidoes up at the top everyday…over & over & over. Then relate all of this information to your relationship with this sociopath.

    This will open your mind up & you will see the truth and will not be confused any longer.

    Sending you lots of hugs!!

    Take care.

    Read Donna Anderson (lovefraud site creator) book LOvefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath.

    Also Donna has a couch mentor program for a small fee you can find into on it under “contact” up at the top of her site. She also has a computer education program. As well if you look under the book store tab at the top she list books that she has read & you can do a search in the right corner to see if she has done a post on a specific book she sells.

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