How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › 21 years and counting and no end in sight
April 18, 2021 at 12:43 pm #65692fcoy21Participant
I’m almost 100% sure my husband is a Sociopath and have done for a few years now but there are still moments he makes me question if it’s me AM I CRAZY!
I met him when I was 21, he was 29, I was at a really bad time of my life, I had just moved out of my parents’ house which wasn’t a very good environment, (I’m a million % sure now that my stepfather was a Psycho, you’d think I would have stayed clear of another one like him but I feel now like I am more or less married to my stepfather they are practtically the same men), my mother had briefly moved out with me but ended up going back for another year, shamefully I couldn’t believe she’d gone back & I didn’t speak to her for a while, that’s when I met him (he’d been married when he was 19 & he had 2 children with her), he more or less moved into my flat the night I met him (he was living with his parents at the time), although he was getting more money than me, somehow I paid all the bills, his excuse was he was paying so much child support (years later a charging order was put on our house and I had to go to court cause in fact he wasn’t paying it),
Red flags I should have seen apart from the money was a few months later “we” wanted to get a bigger place & I was fronting all the money to move as well as still paying all the bills in my flat, I had so little money I didn’t have enough money for even sanitary products, he came home from work & said he was going out with his mates, I couldn’t believe it and went off my head, this just made him walk out & ghost me for about 2 days, he constantly rejected my phone calls, I was absolutely besides myself, I was so distraught (by now me & my mother were talking again) she had to come and stay with me, I don’t know to this day why he had such a hold on me, I should have run for the hills, I would never have put up with this off previous boyfriends. He eventually decided to speak to me and I almost begged him to take me back, we moved to the new place and he proposed very quickly, not long after that the jealousy started, he would go nuts and drag me out of clubs because someone was looking at me, he’d leave me in pubs because I would talk to a girlfriends too long & leave me without money or a key to get in, he would say the reason he was like this was his wife had cheated on him with his best friend (5 years ago I found out, it was him that cheated on her & left her & the kids for this girl), there was loads of things like this, too many to list them all but the big one was about 2 months before having our first child, we had just bought and moved into our house together, being pregnant etc I wanted to get married but although he had proposed years earlier all of a sudden he didn’t want to ever get married again, this started loads of argument, till one day he disclosed it was actually because he was already married, to a girl he’d met & married within a month 10 months before meeting me, it was the first I was hearing about this girl but again he talked his way out of it.
Over the years he has cleverly isolated me from my friends, either from creating a scene when we’ve been out with them & I’d be too embarrassed to go out with them just in case he does it again, if I went out without him I’d have a million questions & if I get drunk out (normally its him rushing the drinks), he’ll say I’ve said or done something embarrassing, after so many years of this I will no longer go out, my beer fear is so bad I’m mentally ill for days after a night out, even if I can remember everything, so I just don’t go anymore, friends don’t invite us anywhere just in case he causes a scene & I don’t blame them & it saves me from making an excuse, there use to be a time when my friends would rearrange a date if I couldn’t make it but I’ll be honest I’m not that much fun out anymore I’m too paranoid about getting drunk to enjoy.
I’m on year 21 now and I just can’t leave, financially I won’t manage without him, I know I would get help but after struggling so much when I was being brought up, I just can’t put my children through that.
April 18, 2021 at 5:45 pm #65696
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this nightmare of a man.Sending you hugs hugs💜💜💜
Your gut is scream to you as to who he is…a sociopath!! Believe your gut instincts
there is a marching band of RED FLAGS with this guy…and you see this…it’s scary to see the truth…but, remember the “Truth set you free”!!
The first thing that pops out about your post is this statement:
but there are still moments he makes me question if it’s me AM I CRAZY!
EVERY VICTIM OF A SOCIOPATH OR DISORDERED INDIVIDUAL FEELS LIKE THEY ARE GOING “CRAZY’…but, know this YOU ARE NOT CRAZY…he is pushing you intentionally over your emotional edge.
GAS LIGHTING ABUSE
this is what he is mostlikely doing to you on a daily bases. Gas lighting abuse is a very stealth emotional, mental & verbal abuse that these types use as a psychological weapon…mind games.
PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT CRAZY….he’s the one.
It’s scary to think about leaving a sociopath. They have used so many sociopathic manipuluation tactics on their victims to literally put fear in the victim to prevent them from leaving. My ex did the same.
Know that one of the first things a abuser does is ISOLATE their victims from their family & friends. It’s a RED FLAG..they dont want you talking to friends & family about this horribic behavior and how he treats you. So, they isolate the victim to have full control over their minds, money, home, car etc
How do they isolate their victims from their friends & family?
Sociopathic smear campaign (ALL lies)
this is a form of psychological wargames for them. Divide and conquer. Dictators, Cult leaders, gang leaders, domestic abusers ALL USE THESE EVIL TACTICS.
(look these up here on lovefraud & net)
My advise to you is:
1) READ everything here on lovefraud, ask questions here, vent, read everyone’s comments on each article Donna Anderson (site creator) has written. this will all help open your mind up from your spouses manipulation & BRAIN WASHING (literally he is brain washing you!!) just like a cult leader does.
2) Watch Donna’s lovefraud videos up on the top of LF & you tube channel. Her videos are powerful & incredibly educational.
3) look up at the top of Lovefraud at the “Book store”…if you buy books ship them to a friends home so that your spouse does not see them = dangerous.
4). GET YOUR HEALTH IN ORDER. this is imperative. You have been under incredible stress for 21 YEARS!! Your adrenal glands no doubt are fatigued (look up Adrenal fatigue symptoms).
on another support site, the site creater asked if any victim had become ill during their relationship with their sociopath/narcissist mate…400 respond YES!!. Including me, live with a sociopath is utterly exhausting, mentally, physically & financially.
so focus on your health. Get a vitamin/mineral deficiency test, etc.
5) Call your National Domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor about a “Safety & Exit plan” out of your relationship. Know that you do not have to leave immediately unless you are endanger. If you are not endanger you have time to get help with a local abuse center & free counseling with them, finding, a finacial advisor to help you with the in’s & outs of planning your financial situation now for your future. Finding a lawyer that understands domestic abuse etc
your library & bookstore will have books on “finacial divorce”
6) MOST IMPORTANTLY…during this time you need to bit your tongue for your safety…dont tell him you are “done”, “want a divorce”…instead you have to plan things with out him knowing..otherwise he could harm you or your children…sociopaths are always 10 steps ahead…so this is why you need to do these actions very stealth.
7) contact your most trusted friends & family that you have not contacted in a while and let them know what is really going with your marriage. They mostlikely have seen his horrible behavior since day one…and will tell you the truth if you are ready to listen…my advice is to listen to their stories carefully..they are not bonded to him so they have not been conned by his behavior…but, you have (like all victims are).
Pat yourself on the back hon, by searching for answers, posting here at Lovefraud…you have started the first steps in freeing yourself & your children. One day at a time..it’s scary & exhausting to plan your path out of a abusive relationship…but, it’s the best gift you can ever give yourself.
Every victim literally feels stuck in their abusive relationship…and once you escape it’s still not easy because you will be dealing with a lot of emotions that were stuffed down for 21 years…and it’s terrifying to feel those emotions..but one day the crying stops, the emotional pain stops…and you see the light again…and you know that you will not only survive but you WILLTHRIVE again…and with time..you will never ever want him in your life ever again. Does not happen over night…but, with education, healing your stressed out body, read/educating here at Lovefraud…you will turn onto the road to a peaceful & calm without him.
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGE HUGS!!💜💜
WE HEAR YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!💙💜
ps CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTROY EACH TIME YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER FOR YOUR SAFETY.
April 18, 2021 at 5:46 pm #65697
google: “Oprah Gavin debecker you tube’ (watch their interview)
do a serach on Lovefraud for: “The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker” (your library may have his book).
April 18, 2021 at 5:50 pm #65698
if you go to Lovefraud’s home page you will find great info including “divorcing” a socioapth. Look at everything on that page too.
Donna & her husband Terry are incredible human beings how are helping tens of thousands of vitims in abusive relationship with a sociopath. THey have created a library full of valuable info for you to learn & heal. So keep reading everything here. THis is a trusted site with amazing support.
April 22, 2021 at 7:03 am #65717Donna AndersenKeymaster
tcoy21 – I am so sorry for all you have experienced. You are correct – the guy is a raging sociopath, and everything you describe is right out of the sociopath playbook.
I suggest you decide that you’re going to leave him. Once you change your thinking from “I can’t leave him” to “I will leave him,” your mind will figure out how to accomplish your objective. It may take you some time to come up with a plan, but if you start in that direction, you’ll think of something.
It looks bleak now, but I assure you, you can do it. The key is to decide to do it.
April 23, 2021 at 9:37 am #65721fcoy21Participant
I just want to thank you so much for replying to me & all the advice, I cannot tell you how good it feels to be able to talk to someone again, the only person I could talk to about this was my mother, she understood having been in a similar relationship but unfortunately, she passed away almost two years ago, as I’ve said I haven’t got any friends, they did use to text but he would question me over who it was & what they wanted so fearing this would start one of his episode I started switching my ringer off before he came home, after a while of not getting back to them & not meeting up with them, the texts stopped, I don’t blame them it’s totally my fault.
Last weekend I tried talking to my mother’s partner, he’s an absolute lovely man & since my mother’s passed he has come to us every Friday, in the beginning this use to get to my husband he would moan that he was drinking all his beer etc & moan about meals I would send over but after a few months my mother’s partner revealed he’s left almost everything to me in his Will, since then he’s my husband’s new best friend, so when I started telling him, the look of shock and disbelief, I felt so embarrassed because I didn’t know if he believed me or how much my mother had told him, I just stopped & I haven’t stopped apologizing to him all week.
I DO want to leave, I don’t love him anymore & most of the time I can’t stand to look at him, he turns me sick, but at the moment I’m just not in the position to, we are one year away from paying our mortgage off and I have no way of buying him out & houses to rent are more than our mortgage, I just can’t afford it at the moment, I do have plans how I can leave in the future but it would mean a long waiting game for me but least it means I will get out eventually. I can’t wait, to just be on my own with my kids and my dogs is all I want.
April 23, 2021 at 1:15 pm #65722
So glad you talked with your mother’s partner. This is a big step in getting out. Start sending text to your friends too. If they are good friends they will understand your absence with out a long detailed explanation. Connecting with the outside world is another big step in leaving.
My ex & most likely everyones ex isolated them from their friends & family. This is what abusers do = isolate their victims to have total control over their minds.
I DO want to leave, I don’t love him anymore & most of the time I can’t stand to look at him, he turns me sick, but at the moment I’m just not in the position to, we are one year away from paying our mortgage off
THis is exactly where I was too when I started my plan out. I hated his evilness and manipulation of everyone. Yet, no one was seeing it except me. He was able to hide it pretty well with outsiders, except with me & his employees who had to deal with him daily.
Please go to your local abuse center secretly with your husband NEVER knowning and talk with them about what you need to do to leave…they have economic help programs for those that needed including apartment free rent, food, job placement etc. LOTS OF HELP.
I just dont want you to feel “Stuck”. Just think about some options out. This will help free your mind from his brain washing/mind control he has over you.
There are many you tube videos on: Camper remodels, van camper conversions and Tiny houses on you tube. People are downsizing to not have a morgage so they are living in these options to save money. Not saying you have to do this…you have to make your own choices…but, watching these types of you tube videos will give you a way to think of none conventional of getting out of this finacial relationship situation.
Some you tube channels that I like are:
Bec & Eamon (watch their older videos of traveling by van conversion)
Tiny house tours
La vagabonde sailing
Tula Summer sailing
I felt stuck too. Most everyone here that was married to one of these ruthless individuals had been into finacial destitute by their partners and we all felt like we could not escape because of our finacial situation & debt.
But, this is not the case. First talk with your national domestic hotline on a safe phone (maybe friends/family phone or pay phone) where the number will not show up on the phone bill,
go to your big box store/library and read up on “finacial divorce”
talk with a Finacial advisor
WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND KNOWNING!!
You will have to act like a spy now and gather bills & old tax records and stash them at your mother’s partners home. Your local abuse center can help you with what finacial items you need to get out of the home before you leave,
You dont have to leave now UNLESS YOU ARE IN DANGER…but, keep making steps out…keep researching how to leave a abusive relationship, keep reading everything at Lovefruad (and clear your computer history each time you do)
Look up lawyers just to see who is out there..talk to people who have divorced and ask them how their divorce process was & would they hire their lawyer again…listen to what they say about a lawyer…their are a lot of snake lawyers in this world who are also disordered and you dont want to hire one of them. You need to do this very tactful so that your ex does not hear any thing about you talking about divorce lawyers.
YOu will have to bit your tongue so that he does not see that you are planning your escape.
Keep reaching out to friends…even if he protest…this is part of his manipulation game to control your mind…dont take his moaning bait just ignore him…walk out to another room…ie bathroom to use the bathroom or laundry room to fold close or garden to garden. Just ignore him. this is NOT easy to do when these types are constantly pushing your buttons to get you upset to control your mind…but, it’s the best thing to do. YOu dont want to get into a fight with him…for several reasons:
1) it raises your blood pressure & also your body releases high levels of cortisol & adrenaline horomones and this will eventually exhausted your adrenal glands = leads to fatigue, (see adrenal fatigue symptoms)
2) he may get physical abusive with you
3) he could start a LOvebombing phase (search for this on lovefraud)
Each day think about your future without him…what hobbies you want to do..how you see your life. thinking about this will help to guide you towards the light…it will help you to continue to make steps out.
I know you feel “Stuck” because of finacial debt right now…been there too…but, make steps daily…to get out when you are ready to leave.
You have the strenght to leave hon…I know you just want to crawl into bed & wish all the pain away…that’s how I felt. I just wanted someone to come and carry me out of my nightmare marriage…but, no one does this unless you reach out for help & you make steps out on your own.
You can do it with help…you reach out to your National & local domestic abuse center for help with a “Domestic abuse safety & exit plan out”…see you tube video on this too (clear your comuter history).
Keep reading everything here on Lovefraud this is a library filled with valuable info to help you out…see the HOme page of LF there are articles on leaving.
You got this!!
congratulations for making so may big steps out so far…searching for answers on then net…finding your way to LF, posting…thinking about leaving…feeling your TRUE feelings towards your mate…these are HUGE STEPS…you should be so proud of your self for making these HUGE HUGE steps out..
Keep asking questions & posting…it’s part of the leaving & healing process.
Sending you huge hugs 💜🌷💜
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by Jan7.
April 23, 2021 at 1:23 pm #65723
ps: MOre you tube channels:
here so more you tube channels for alternative living:
Living big in a tiny house
Tiny house tours
(I’m not saying you have to do this..but, watching these you tube type videos is a good excercise for your mind to realize there are endless options with those that have finacial issues…so you dont feel stuck…you are going to have to think your way out of this abusive marrige with debt by reaching out for help & making a plan.
Some people are even buying land that the county allows tiny homes on & then renting out space for other Tiny home owners & turning their land into a business.
also ask around to see if anyone has a cottage on their property that they would rent to you & also your local & national domestic abuse centers have free housing options to get victims back on their finacial feet.
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