May 18, 2019 at 5:27 pm #52479
I am in No Contact phase with my abuser after 40 years.
It at started back in 8th grade when we dated for a month and she dumped me with no explanation. She was my first love and my first real kiss. It was very impactful to me. She dated another boy for 2.5 years. We never talked until 10th grade after her breakup. We met on a daily basis between classes and began sharing again. But she bolted again. Never to talk to me again. I moved on and dated and then married after college. Married for 33 years and together for 38. Then I received a Facebook notification. It was the same girl. I thought, I would reach out to see how she was after all these years. And ask her what happened? I had always thought I had done something wrong. The answer I received was amazing. She told she had always loved me and had all kinds of physical and emotional feelings for. We both were married and strong Christians. We thought we could help each other with our spousal issues since we both had experience trauma during our childhood, which we never shared with each other prior. The love bombing cycle with personality adoption and soul mating began within the first week. It was crazy and I am sorry to say I fell for it… hard. I ended up separating with my wife and divorcing after 9 months, which I believe was for the “right reasons”. I also attempted to stop the up and down craziness with the “girl”, but she would keep coming back with more promises and love bombing with a bazillion texts and emails and then the next week go back to her telling me she had to stay, which I was trying to let her. I blocked her on Facebook, my phone and texting and created a separate folder for her emails to automatically route to. I tried blocking but they would still show up. There is so much more of this craziness and word salad manipulation I could share. Until last week… I began Googling Psychopathic and Narcissistic behavior patterns and the “Light Came On” I saw the pattern: Idealization,Devaluation and Discard. I realized OMG! she has been playing me again again and again not only recently but for 40 years! She told she had problem bonding emotionally, physically and spiritually with her husband. She was half-hearted person who was a Chameleon in the way she adopted other people’s emotions and desires while she was with them; back and forth between me and her husband, but she always told me I was different in that she enjoyed all three with me but could be full hearted. When she did leave back in 8th, 10th and more recently, she displayed no feeling or remorse. Just like when she told me about leaving her husband and kids for another lover 7 years ago. She felt she had to! No remorse. That should have been a big red flag, but she was able to explain how she was the victim. Now, I realize the pattern and abuse for what it is. It will be a year this month when we first connected again on Facebook. No more contact. I am reading articles and books on the subject to build up my resistance to respond to her emailing me again and again. I would like to know any other recommendations anyone has. I feel so stupid and hurt!
May 19, 2019 at 3:15 pm #52493
May 19, 2019 at 5:10 pm #52501
Keyth – I am so sorry for your experience. I’ve heard of may cases like yours, where someone from the distant past shows up again. People like you often feel like you’re connecting with “the one that got away.”
No Contact is critical. These relationships are highly addictive, and you need to get over the addiction. That’s why you can have No Contact with this person. With No Contact, your brain and emotions start to recover. If you have contact, you’ll need to start all over again.
You might want to search the term “addicted to a sociopath” on Lovefraud. use the magnifying glass at the top of the page.
June 17, 2019 at 5:29 pm #52892
keyth, Donna is 100% correct. If you can, because you do not have kids or property or a business together, you ‘simply’ go completely NO contact. All back and forth stops forever. It is the only way to get rid of these energy vampires.
I love that the light went on for you once you started reading about how they manipulate people. It is really helpful when you can read the descriptions of their behavior and say ‘bingo!’ to yourself. This first aha moment is critical. It doesn’t erase the sadness and feelings of loss, but it does dispel disbelief. And believing the truth about what you have been through is a critical piece of the process for moving forward and leaving the abuse behind.
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