December 7, 2017 at 5:41 pm #43099
I thought it might help me and maybe someone else to describe my thought process after breaking it off and instituting no contact 5 days ago. There are brief moments that I feel relieved that I am no longer caught in his web. I feel amazement that there are people out there who have no guilt or remorse or a desire to do what is right for others. I feel victimized and pathetic that I fell for his flattery and lies and false promises. I feel angry that I went from having a substantial life savings to now barely able to afford groceries. I think about him often and review our 9 months of texts which pretty much only consisting of money talk and sexting and false promises and compliments. I think about how i am going to take legal action for what i can and plan to take my time. I think how i want to contact his elderly mother who he supposedly lives off of to tell her about what he has done but also think that may not be best. I think about how i am scared about getting in another relationship for they may take advantage of me. I feel too embarrassed to tell anyone about the extent of financial abuse and know that i could not emotionally handle their possible responses. That is where I am at 5 days after no contact with that thing.
- This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by traumatized41.
December 8, 2017 at 8:42 pm #43119
traumatized41 – I am so sorry for your experience. Maintain No contact. The longer you are away from him, the more clearly you will be able to think. This is a very deep betrayal, it will take time to recover.
December 12, 2017 at 11:31 pm #43185
Hi Traumatized41, SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!! ?
I’m so sorry that you have been manipulated & conned by an evil sociopath!! It’s heart wrenching!!
What you are feeling: “feel angry”, “want to contact his elderly mother, how cared about getting another relationship”, “embarrassed to tell anyone about the extent of financial abuse” etc are all NORMAL feelings when you finally see the truth!!
Please know this!
You will go thru all the grieving stages just like a death. It’s scary to feel these feelings. So keep venting here.
I am so glad that you now know the TRUTH!! It’s hard to accept the truth…but it will now set you in motion to heal from the nightmare you have been living.
CONGRATULATIONS ON 5 DAYS OUT!!! This is a HUGE STEP!!!
Know this! Pat yourself on the back!!
It’s not easy to leave a sociopath! Your body is full of anxiety, you are most likely suffering from depression and have PTSD. It can be over whelming at times throughout the day. This is why it is good to vent out. Either with a counselor or just writing here at LF or in a journal.
If you dont want to vent everything here then just get a note book or journal and start venting everything. DOnt worry about spelling or grammar…just write away. It will help you heal & release your stress & relieve your mind & body.
You have been thru hell & the after math is incurably scary. So just take one minute at a time hon, and on same days maybe an hour.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. You were conned. I have read that a sociopath will have over 100 victims. SO you are not his first or his last. He knows exactly how to get what he wants just like all sociopaths know.
I too was conned from day one out of my money. I left my marriage with basically nothing after working at a high paying career while my ex h walked away with a very comfortable future and on to his next victims.
I wish you all the best. Keep reading everything here at Donna’s wonderful site especially when you are sad, crying, angry etc as it will open your mind to all that he did to you & this will help you heal.
Look at the home page here at love fraud scroll down to the YELLOW BOX & read. Also there are wonderful books including Donna’s up at the top under the “book store tab” and free videos to watch under the video tab. I must have watched those videos a 1000 times when I just left. They really did help me keep NO CONTACT with my ex when I just left him.
HUGS TO YOU!! ?Take care.
PS DONT CONTACT HIS MOTHER!!! NEVER!! She will protect him! She has been trained by him to protect him. He has conned his family to. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THEM = NO CONTACT WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY!! so that you can heal.
PS 2: On Thursdays here at LF a new chapter from the book Husband, Liar Sociopath by author O.N.Ward is posted. it’s the story of the author (with changes to protect her Identity) & her marriage/divorce/child custody to a sociopath. It’s heart wrenching tail but it might just help you to see just how manipulative & cunning & evil a sociopath is, so that you can keep seeing that your ex will never change.
Keep the NO CONTACT RULE in place its the only way to have peace & calmness in your mind, heart & life. Google & look here at lovefrud for more articles on “No contact rule”.
December 13, 2017 at 4:05 pm #43193
Thank you jan7. I don’t know how i would have survived without this forum. Im doing okay now. Taking bills i have to pay one paycheck at a time. Sitting down to look at my money situation truly makes me sick to my stomach. But i think it will be okay. I think of the awful things he did to me and the state of mind he had me in. I was an emotional wreck. Im glad its over. I truly feel for his next victims and he will have as many as he can possibly get. Thank you for your kind words.
December 19, 2017 at 10:12 pm #43248
I made a huge mistake. Not unrecoverable but still showed weakness when i should have been smarter and stronger. Now back to step one. After two weeks of no contact i called the sociopath. I was feeling sad and needy after an okay date with a guy. He didnt answer and i texted to not call me back it was a mistake in judgement and it passed. So of course this opened up a whole thing about him telling me he loved me and made a mistake blah blah blah. At the same time he was telling me he may end up in jail because he used a lady’s deposit for goods on a gambling binge. I mean you would think a light would go off in my head. He also supposedly threw away thousands of dollars he could have returned to me. He wanted to see me of course im thinking to see if i would offer him the money. I didnt but had sex with him which now just makes me feel used. Now he says he leaving town on some other contract job and today i asked if he would come help me with a home repair and of course no response. He has never done anything for me except take my money. He is sooo good at charming me and making me powerless. It was a moment of weakness and i fell. Think now that he figured if he wasnt going to get money might as well get sex. He reassured me that my thinking was wrong about him using me and that he was so sorry for putting me through this. He is so awful and i am so weak.
December 19, 2017 at 11:17 pm #43249
Traumatized41, it’s ok hon. DAY 1 Starts now!?
It’s not easy ending a relationship with a sociopath. They have messed with our minds, body & spirit so much that you have to relearn to be independent again.
We have all been where you are now. I took back my then husband a sociopath over & over. Everyday I was with him I wanted to leave but when I would leave even for a day my anxiety level would go up & I would go back to him because he would charm be back into hell. That is the cortisol & adrenaline releasing.
Exactly!! You see thru him!! He was fishing for more money…using “sociopath pity play manipulation” (google & look on LF),
The good news is you are seeing him for who he is!! This is a huge step in healing!! Keep focusing on all of his misdeeds and this will remind you of who he really is and how poorly he treated you.
Better yet, get a piece of paper out or pad of paper & start writing all the lies, manipulation & money he took from you. Write EVERYTHING down! This is a huge step in seeing the truth = he is evil & a master manipulator!
“Leaving town” more likely “I cant talk to you because I have another target vicim on the hook but I’m going to keep you on the hook also just incase this other target catches on to my con game”.
“He is sooo good at charming me and making me powerless”
The BEST way to get your power back is following the NO CONTACT RULE!
BLOCK him from your phone, email, social media etc. You dont have control over how he treats you but YOU have control over not allowing him to treat you poorly!! (no contact rule).
He is all words & zero action. Watch his actions over his words by listing all his mis deeds!!
Remember the old saying: Actions speak louder then words!
ALL sociopath are masterful manipulators with their lying words! ALL of them! my ex too could get me from leaving him by his lying words. He could get anyone to do what he wanted with his words. Did not matter who…from me to his family to his mistresses to a police not giving him a ticket etc. His never ever followed thru with his words. Never. All lying manipulation to control me. Same with your ex.
next time you feel weak & want to talk to him. Come to Love fraud & watch the video up at the top to remind you who he is and also read everything. You can also just vent out everything you want to say to him here at love fraud. I must have watched Donna’s (Lovefraud) videos 1000 times when I first left my ex the last time. They helped. I would have tears streaming down my face while watching them but my brain learned who he was and this is what you want. You want to remove all the brain washing your ex put in your mind with the truth = love fraud videos & post.
YOU CAN DO THIS!! You are NOT weak! You survived a sociopath!! THAT IS A STRONG WOMAN!!?
He thought he broke you…but you showed him that was not going to happen when you crawled out of his hellish world. Now you are standing with the truth hon!! POWERFUL!!
You know who he is…and you will get to a point one day that you will not even think of him one moment! It takes time to get there. but it happens!!
Pat yourself on the back for recognizing that you broke no contact & reached out for help. BRAVO!!
And DAY 1 starts now!!
Hugs to you! ?
December 20, 2017 at 6:10 pm #43262
Thank you jan7. I havent spoken to him and have him blocked. Sigh. So sick. To try to get even more money out of me during xmas week nonetheless. But i know he doesnt think that way. Upward and onward:) thanks again.
January 8, 2018 at 5:53 pm #43411
Now zero days out again. All i can say is maybe someone will learn from this not to do what i have been doing. So I took him back again. He is so loving are touches so caring it is hard to walk away. Despite him flat out begging for money and me promising never to do it again I give him a measly twenty dollars. Note its not so measly given the overall financial distress I am in as a result of giving him 28k. I told him never again to which he said I was being mean. I questioned him actually being away out of state for work. I tried and called the hotel and they said he was not a guest. He said it was under the guys name who he is working for. I asked for the last name and the response was it was my fault for not trusting him and i should have asked nicer and he would have given it to me. I defend myself and his only reply is he has the flu. Mind you that over the past few weeks i found out that money i gave him for fines he so desperately needed was never paid on the fines. I have checks from him i need to take to the bank to start legal action. Although he said jail doesnt bother him its free room and board (dear god help me). Also i found an old online dating profile in which he says he has a phd and a home here and in florida. He has no homes and no degrees. I am looking for someone to tell me he is definetely a sp and to move on and not feel guilty.
January 8, 2018 at 7:54 pm #43412
Thank you for your honesty. This guy is a blood sucking sociopath who’s feasting on your vulnerabilities!!! Try to look at yourself as if you were your daughter. Would you want a man to treat her this way??? No!!! You deserve so much better!!! I know how hard this is. We are addicted to them. As horrible as they are!! I’m about 3 months out with no contact, I’m hoping if my narcissistic sociopathic ex boyfriend reached out to me I would be strong enough not to cave. Thank God he hasn’t, and hopefully he won’t!! Stand strong and protect you, because he certainly isn’t going to!! No guilt!! Move on!! It’s time.
January 8, 2018 at 8:05 pm #43413
Traumatized41, Day 1 starts now (round 2) ?
You are not the first to break the “No contact rule” and wont be the last.
It’s not easy to walk away from a sociopath! They are masterful con artist who know how to twist good peoples minds to drop their guard so that they can get what ever they are after i.e. sex, money, a place to live, your car or just for fun because they are bored in life. Did you know that on average it takes a victim of abuse 6- 9 times to finally leave their abusive partner?? But the more you educate yourself & reach out for help the more likely you will leave him sooner then later for good.
Before you call him come to love fraud and watch the videos up at the top to remind you who you are dealing with = a pure evil man.
The more you read here at love fraud, watch the videos then analysis it with your relationship you will open your mind up more to his manipulative ways and see him for who he is and then you will know that he will never ever ever ever ever change!
One step at at time. Know that he is your cult leader & you are his cult follower. The more you are conscience aware of this fact you will then realize the power you have over him is the No contact rule.
Steven Hassan a cult expert & author of Freedom of Mind (do a search here on LF to see Donna’s post regarding his book) stated in a video that can train your brain to see the cult leader as evil. He suggest that you in your mind put a picture of your ex next to someone like hitler or charles mason etc. It works. I cant even look at a picture of my ex h without see pure pure evil.
Like a pet is trained a sociopath does the same thing to their victims. They use reward & punishment techniques without us realizing it! For instant he might have trained you so that when you give your ex money you get a release of endorphins in your brain. So you feel better. Just like a dog gets excited chasing a stick.
I would also recommend that you go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free woman group meetings. The group meetings are incredible. This will help you to have one on one support so that you dont have to leave him by yourself instead you have a whole network of counselors & other abuse victims to lift you up. In the USA the number for the National domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE where you can talk with a free counselor and also get local abuse center numbers.
Write down everything this man has done to you!!! EVERY THING!! Then read the list (which will be endless by the way) every time you start to doubt who he is.
You are an amazing person…kind, hardworking, strong, smart and you will get thru this nightmare chapter of your life. So keep moving froward & keep reading every thing here at LF especially the home page yellow box section. Also look up Ann Mary Glenn here at lovefruad she does free group counseling sessions over the net. Her videos are EXCELLENT. No doubt she can help you open up your mind from this sociopath mind control.
HUGS TO YOU!!! ?Sending you positive vibes!! ?
January 8, 2018 at 8:09 pm #43414
This article is on the web regarding why no contact works:
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
breakingfreeofchainsNo contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.
Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
If you need help sticking to No Contact, consider getting counseling or joining a support forum.”
January 8, 2018 at 8:16 pm #43415
Great, thorough perspective Jan7! I fully agree with you!
January 8, 2018 at 10:59 pm #43417
Hi Resilient85, I always say the one thing sociopaths do not count on is victims lifting each other up. Thank you for your kind words & also for lifting so many others up that come to LF with broken hearts. Your words no doubt help in their time of needs! ? Glad that your no contact is working for you! Take care.
January 9, 2018 at 12:23 am #43418
Thank you, Jan7! We are a forum family! And as the quote says,”Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” I’m grateful for the therapeutic insights that I find here and am happy to add what I can to help anyone along this journey.
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