5 Years I Can’t Get Back

eyeswideopen – Welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for your experience, but yes, you are not alone. You’ll find hundreds of stories on Lovefraud contributed by people who have endured what you have endured. Keep reading, and stay strong. Make your escape from the predator permanent.

Thank you for sharing your story although painful. It helps all of us in the healing process to know we are not alone in our journeys of having been in a relationship with a sociopath or just learning about them.

eyes- There is a saying- thank you for the pain. It made me up my game. You might look at it as a learning experience with which you can help others. Take care.

SG

Hi eyeswideopen – that porn business was disgusting. So glad that you kicked him out. Plus I personally think it is an aspect of triangulation, only for him, “ the other woman “ was his sexual fantasies that excluded you – so that even when he was with you physically, he was not really with you – and that is a cruel form of psychological abuse. You sound like you are doing very well in the aftermath of the whole ordeal with him. But be aware that often the hardest time is when you have gone No Contact. Because it is at that time that your brain starts to feel safe and will begin to allow thoughts and feelings to become conscious that it had to deny when you were in the relationship ( denial is the brain’s automatic protection that a person has no control over and one’s own brain decides if something would be too overwhelmingly painful to allow into consciousness ). But it will start to release emotions, after you are out of the relationship so that you can process them in a conscious manner. Though it is part of healing, it can be unpleasant ( I think that is why people can fall so easily for a Hoover ), but if you read and study the information about psychological abuse, then it makes it a lot easier to understand what is coming up and the aha moments of clarity feel like a relief. From what you posted you are reading the information and that is great ! You might also benefit from Donna’s You Tubes. She covers different topics in each episode and answers questions at the end which is very interesting and informative. Don’t hesitate if you are experiencing any difficulties as you proceed on your healing journey, because we know what you are going through and are happy to support you in any way we can.
Blessings

eyes- It can be helpful to get your anger out in a safe way. There is a blog on getting yor anger out.

SG

Hi eyeswideopen – I understand what you are going through and feel your pain. I have a lot that I want to post to you, and will post tonight when I will be able to post more.
Blessings

eyeswideopen – what you are experiencing now is obsession, which is a normal stage of recovery after you realize that you were involved with a sociopath, and everything you believed was a lie.

After the sociopath, consumed by obsession

your anger is warranted. I’ve also written about purging it. Anger has to come out physically – the key is to do it in a way that doesn’t hurt people, pets or property. You might want to look into a punching bag. Punch it until you collapse. You’ll feel a lot better.

Hi eyeswideopen – I liked what Donna posted to you. I have some things say in addition to what she said that I have come to understand from my own experience. That is that I believe that involvement with a sociopath results in a kind of brain washing. There is also scientific information regarding this, but the main point is that due to the sociopath’s sudden transitions from deep kindness to horrific cruelty ( especially in the beginning ) and then through the relationship, creates the mild brainwashed state of splitting. Part of the brain relates to the kind and loving treatment, and part of the brain acknowledges the cruelty. After going No Contact, it is then that the brain begins to resolves the split and processes both parts in healing so they are no longer split, but integrated instead. But it is a process. So that at first, it is very true that the one part really can’t understand the cruelty. And the part that does understand it is very angry. So Donna’s advice does work to bring consciousness to the angry part and to help it to heal. But there is also the other part that is going through grief from the loss of the relationship. The loss of all the hopes that you put into it, the loss of the true love that you truly felt. That part needs to also be acknowledged. Reading and learning about the stages of grief that are well understood would help you get through the grief and to understand some of what you are feeling. Much has been written about the stages. And you need to be very compassionate to the part of you that is truly grieving. Slowly, you will be able to incorporate both of your parts with understanding as the emotions are released, expressed and healed. It may sound like a difficult task, but don’t worry, your brain can do that very well, and you just need to have patience as you go through it. And endurance. But I know that you are a very strong person because you were able to tell your ex to leave. I know you know what I’m going to say next, but checking up on your ex on the internet social sites will hinder your healing and keep you feeling pain far longer than you would if you completely “ deleted “ him. The more you focus on your own healing, the sooner you will emerge into your real self who is truly happy, joyous and loving.
Blessings

Hi eyeswideopen – I’m pretty new on this site myself. I read your story and my heart broke for you. I know the deep, deep pain and anger you are experiencing. My ex was in my life for 20 years so I also know about the brainwashing and the splitting of the mind – loving him still despite all the cruel bs. I would agree with what the others are saying – recognise you’re obsessed with him AND recognise that YOU DESERVE BETTER. You have BETTER things to focus your precious life energy on. It takes a while to be really convinced of that – partly because the anger is there and needs releasing. So do what Donna suggests, and punch a pillow and imagine it’s him and scream. And then breathe and do something else. Consciously turn your focus elsewhere – he isn’t worth it. Even if all you do is switch on the TV and watch trash. I watched a lot of trash TV just to take my mind off my ex. It’s amazing how just consciously DECIDING to switch your mind off him can make it easier and easier to do it. And then, gradaully, I have found other things to do that are enjoyable and constructive and best of all NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!! I am still very much working through my pain, but it is no longer all-consuming. You will get there, you really will, and you deserve peace of mind. Blessings to you.

Your reaction is your reaction and is just where you’re at. If you’re not crying, don’t force it and don’t feel bad about it. Treat yourself with the compassion you deserve. I read a good book on self compassion by Kristin Neff which helped me a lot. She suggests you make a loving gesture to yourself eg place your hand on your heart, or touch your own arm, or hug yourself. And tell yourself how hard it is to be feeling or experiencing [fill in the blank]. But that you’re not alone, to be human is to experience hard things. And just speak to yourself kindly and with patience and understanding and love, without trying to be something you’re not ready to be just yet. This also helped me a lot when I was at my wits end.

Hi eyeswideopen – what freeatlast said was wonderful and just perfect for you. I agree with the wisdom of being where you are at now. The healing journey is really an amazing place to be. Not that any of us would wish the experience of narcissist people on anyone. But one thing is for certain, and that the more you read about psychological abuse, the more you will understand and that in itself is comforting. Remember what an amazing person you are to have gotten out of the relationship – it seems like everyone does when reading blogs and the forum on Lovefraud, but there are so many, I am sorry to say, who for one reason or another, just do not end their toxic relationship. Be very proud of yourself and know that you have aligned yourself with goodness because you found your way to the healing community and all the information that is here to support you.
Blessings