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Hi, everyone. I’m going to explain my situation, and I’d like some input. This is the first time I’m reaching out to people who have been through similarly painful situations.
My story starts a little differently than most, as within the first week of meeting him, I got pregnant. I didn’t find out until I was about 6 weeks along. He swept me off my feet with his charm, sense of humor, and beauty. We would go out together, and I even met a few of his friends. But it ended quickly once I found out he had a girlfriend who he lived with. Which was weird to me, because people saw us out. He said she was crazy, and that I wouldn’t have felt bad if I knew her.
I reached out again to him only when finding out I was pregnant. I said he didn’t have to be involved, and I could do it on my own, and I wasn’t trying to ruin his life. He didn’t speak to me for 9 months, and told no one in his life. A week after the baby was born, he told me he moved out of his apartment (while she was at work, and he didn’t tell her anything).
The next few months was a whirlwind. It moved so fast, and we were thrust into this deep bond of having a child together. He introduced me to everyone. He is a really well known fireman/bartender/former MLB player, and EVERYONE loves him. It was so exciting and I fell so quickly in love. He said I was the best mom, and that he was so lucky I was the mother of his child.
Things started to get really weird over the summer when he would not contact me for days, and sometimes I would see his car parked in weird places in the neighborhood. I figured he had gotten out of a terrible relationship, he’s also a bartender, it’s okay for him to have a good time. I was a mom, anyway. I was happy when he showed up.
Things got worse in the fall. There was a girl who lived in the neighborhood who I worked with, (she was my replacement when I went on maternity leave, and I introduced them). She was so weird to me at work. I knew she started hanging out in the bar he worked in, so I’d ask if she ever said why she doesn’t like me. He would tell me that I’m crazy, and that I’m over analyzing everything. This went on for months.
Finally, I found out through a friend that they were sleeping together. I was mortified. My coworkers knew. My neighborhood knew. I always talked about how amazing he was.
He told me how sorry he was. He said he’d end it. Things got better for a while. Then I became a paranoid mess. “You’re insane. You look too deeply into everything.”
One day, as I was dropping off our daughter to him as I head into work, he let me into his apartment. My coworker was there, sleeping. He swore he wasn’t. I lost it. I really did.
A month later, the same thing. He’s sorry, he ended it again. Everything was great, for months this time. We decided to even try for another baby! He tried for two months. Then for some reason, he got distant and weird.
Work was a nightmare. This girl made up a story about how I pushed her in the hallway. We’re teachers. It’s a complete lie. I was devastated.
I became paranoid again. I started scouring social media. I’d find red flags and he would tell me that this is why he’s distant. How is he supposed to make the right choices if I never even give him a chance? I felt like my relationship was failing because of me.
Last week, I received a photograph via text message. It was the two of them at a concert. All of the lies flooded my brain. Small lies about everything. He’s so aloof and cold. It’s like he’s looking right through me. I was yelling, trying to explain how emotions work. Trying to make him see my perspective. He just stared blankly at me. Unphased.
They’re “in love” now. I’m just so broken. Am I just jealous that he chose her? How can someone tell me they want to have more children with me, and then walk off into the sunset with someone else?
Sorry for the length.
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Hi Emmylucy, no you are not being dramatic. Your tolerance of his conduct and the questioning of your own is a clear indication of his manipulation. Sociopaths can do all this and more if you allow them.
He may appear to be strolling toward a sunset but it’s a convenient veneer, much like the one he created with you whenever he felt the need. They are consummate chameleons incapable of bonding with anyone. We bring our inherent ability to love, trust and empathise to these “relationships” – they depend on this while busily maintaining malignant ongoing cycles of idealising, devaluing and discarding. We are seduced, lied to, exploited, reduced to nothing but a source – amongst many others – of narcissistic supply. They feel no remorse in doing this. Continuing to emotionally engage them offers a green light to further abuse and exploitation only.
Bittersweet as it feels, well done on finding your way here. As overwhelming as the reality and the continuing education is, it’s vital that you use the information to steel yourself, reclaim your power and to take the necessary steps in protecting yourself and your baby.
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oh EmmyLucy. I am so sorry for all this.
Its so horrible, I completely relate to the feeling of paranoia and being made to feel like you are the mad one. You knew all along but didn’t want to see the truth. You sound very confused and hurt as anyone would be.
He can talk about babies with you and then be with someone else because he’s a mess. He has a lack of empathy and is completely devoid of any compassion, in short he is a broken person.
I can understand how you got swept up with all this, completely, I should think all of us here have been there and done that.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you have come to terms with all this you will be able to move on. But know this was not YOU it was him and his damaged personality you got hurt by. He is bad news. Please steal your heart away from this man and focus on yourself and your baby. Im sure you are a wonderful mother, xxx hugs. -
EmmyLucy,
You are not being dramatic, you are confused and your emotional needs are not being met, and you are unsetteld by the callous behaviour of a sociopath! He certainly sounds like one ( based on his complte lack of conscience).You have to cut out this ‘poison’ that he is. I have just ended a relationship with a sociopath ( I had no idea that was what he was until it was over!) Once I asked him to leave and he was in ‘discard’ mode he was more vile to me and didn’t cover up that he was already seeing his next victim! he told this new woman that he was faithful to me for the first 2 years of our 5 year relationship. I only ever knew about 1 affair a year ago. Yesterday, whilst throwing out old bank statements I saw he had been paying dating sites whilst away visiting his family in Romania 1 year into our relationship!!! so, I have no idea if he was EVER only seeing me. He cheated and lied and I was fooled. Do read this: https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/
this is HOW they operate…and how they keep us ‘hooked’ !
When i read this I saw this was EXACTLY how my ex was with me and it all made sense. It was better knowing I had been the ‘victim of a manipulative sociopath and that there is NOTHING wrong with me.It’s not you it’s him and you must cut him off and move on. He may try to ‘hoover’ you back with apologies but it’s ALL lies …he is incapable of any genuine LOVE …even with this other woman and you do not know how many others there are! You deserve someone who clearly cares and doesn’t ring any of the alarm bells. Look after yourself and you baby.Be strong! -
EmmaLucy, he sounds to me like a classic sociopath. I’m sorry sorry for what you have gone through with him. The fact that he had a gf while he was with you was the first deception and the first red flag. His putting her down is the second red flag. They all do this to justify their cheating and get their newest victims to feel sorry for them. The one I dated did the same thing. He claimed he was separated from his wife and living separately, on the verge of getting divorced. Turns out they were living together with no plans to divorce. The whole thing had been a lie and a very convincing one. He never told me the truth – I learned it from his platoon sergeant in the army. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, and he was SO convincing, as I’m sure your guy is too.
The problem with sociopaths is they are capable of sounding so sincere and convincing, it’s easy to see why you took him back repeatedly after his indiscretions. Normal people do not behave like that sociopaths do. Your feelings of jealousy and deep betrayal, especially after having his child, are completely understandable. But realize that he does not “love” this new girl. He is incapable of loving anyone, and she will end up discarded and betrayed just like you. This is what they do. She is just a novelty, and eventually she will be old hat too. He may try to come back to you, play the two of you against each other, or cheat with a variety of others. It’s straight out of the sociopath play book. And he will probably tell the newest victim that you are the reason he cheats. It’s called the “smear campaign.” He did it with his last girlfriend, and he’s probably doing it with you. It’s a game and it’s all about power. As hard as it is to be a single mom with no paternal support, you are better off cutting him out of your life and your baby’s life as quickly as possible. He will be nothing but trouble. He will try to use the child as a pawn as a way to play power games. If you can get him to release custody to you in exchange for not having to pay child support, this is the best way out. Then you don’t have to have anything to do with this creep again. You are NOT crazy and you are NOT dramatic. You are being manipulated by a sociopath. Get out as quickly as you can.
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