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Am I paranoid or is he a narcissist?

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #44028

    sadcat
    Participant

    I think to fully grasp my current emotional state as well as the situation I’m in, I’m going to give you a little background info… Almost exactly three years ago on the 6th of February I broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend. At that time I had no idea who or what I was actually dealing with but I found the strength somewhere, somehow to end things and remarkably it ended semi cordial. In the last week and a half I have been sitting in the trauma of that relationship because up until a week and a half ago I had no idea what had happened to me while I was in it. I’ve spent the last three years single, never committing but always having someone on hand that was safe. But here’s where it gets tricky…

    I have been seeing someone romantically for the last 2 months that I have never met. He started following me on one platform of social media about 2 years ago and then started following me on another platform as well a little over a year ago. He’s always definitely been interested in me but because of the amount of people that follow me and men that hit on me via social media I never gave him the time of day. For the last 2 years he’s adored me openly. We started talking romantically in December of 2017 and we’re still currently doing so. He’s a single father of 2, early-mid 30’s, successful entrepreneur and yes, he is most definitely real. Haha! We’ve always gotten along exceptionally well, that’s never been an issue, not even before we were romantically involved. About a week and a half ago (right around the time I had this massive and tumultuous realization of abuse) he and I got into our first argument because I was feeling a lot of rejection in regards to lack of phone conversation. Sooo, of course then I completely shut down because I’m so used to being denied love in a true romantic relationship. That night I was watching a video by one of my favorite makeup vloggers and her experience with Transient Psychosis and noticed related videos referencing narcissists. Naturally I started clicking, watching, clicking some more… then out of curiosity I decided to watch a video titled “6 Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse”… my world came crumbling down in those few minutes and I felt like I’d taken a shovel to the gut. Since then so many of my deep rooted fears, defensive habits and patterns make sense. My intuition tells me that the information was put in front of me for a reason. I have this strange new clarity but also this intnse paranoia and little to no self esteem left from my NC ex. I’m struggling right now with whether I’m paranoid and still responding to him the way that I would have responded to my ex NC because of how I’ve been pre programmed or if he’s normal and we’re just lacking true intimate and 1 on 1 conmunication… I openeD up to him the day after our argument and explained to him (in a way that my therapist told me was incredibly healthy– GO ME!) why I sometimes respond the way I do when he tries to get close to me and learn more. No excuses, no “deal with it”, just plain laying it out on the table, to share with him what he’d been wanting to know. His response? He didn’t know why I felt the need to tell him that and he “doesn’t do selfish”. Now, I wish i could share the actual conversation with you guys because I think it would provide a lot more insight but this is it in a nutshell.

    His full response didn’t seem to have anything to actually do with me or what I’d shared. I’m still trying to understand if perhaps he’s wounded as well or if he’s showing NC patterns… there are other things but then he has traits that just don’t line up with NC… I haven’t felt feelings for anyone the way that I feel for him since my last relationship and it’s shown me how little I’ve recovered from it (if at all). Am I responding to him the way I’m used to responding when receiving “love” in a relationship? Is he actually genuinely interested in knowing me and giving himself or did I yet again find myself wrapped up in a Narcissist’s hold?

    • This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  sadcat.
  • #44035

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    sadcat – when you say “NC ex” – is that the person you broke up with, or the online romance? Here on Lovefraud, NC usually means “No Contact,” so I’m not sure who you are referring to.

    In any event, about the new person whom you are involved with, but have never met — please remember that if you are not seeing a person in real life then it is not a real relationship. It may feel like a real relationship, because so much of how we feel about someone is in our heads, but the whole point of a relationship is to spend time together. If a relationship never progresses beyond online conversations, it is a waste of time and not healthy.

    Anyway, it can be really shocking to realize that you’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse. Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to get used to the idea and process the information. It can be the first step towards real emotional growth.

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