Beyond comprehension


This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Carrie’s Daughter 2 months ago.

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  • #47250


    Warning: description of traumatic event, contains violence. Yet, it also shows you can resist it and there’s always a way to fight back your abuser.

    Previously, in the comment for the post from 04/23/2018 “Why the sociopath is crying….”- I already described how my ex could fake cry on demand from initially manipulative agenda. At first – to project this highly empathetic image, and then – exclusively for sadistic gratification, as demonstration of total power and control and just for his personal amusement, as he seemingly enjoyed inflicting any form of psychological pain.

    The first time he did, was about 18 months after we’ve married, when I told him I wanted get a divorce. On which he replied by actively persuading me to commit a suicide, with ahead of time “offers” “to help me with its arrangements” “as soon it’s not in the house”. Which he also accompanied by fake cries with loud sobbing that “he’s gonna miss me so much after I died, just like he misses his fiancé “…..

    This whole event is still beyond my comprehension. Also, was a first major psychological trauma he inflicted, that left me in the state of shock and terrified for months. Especially, it was so unexpected. At the time, there were no previous conflicts and on superficial level everything was okay. I even did not find anything about his exploits yet…
    Except, everything else -about this marriage or what he was, already did not add up, by raising my numerous concerns and questions. It seems, he was saying one thing, and doing completely opposite. I feel so confused about everything, feeling like I am walking unknowing territory, and not knowing what to expect. Eventually realizing, I have no idea who is that person I married to and what the agenda behind it.

    Because it’s not how it all started. First of all, prior this marriage, I was totally self sufficient, earning 90k on my own (even it was 15 years ago); along with working in progress with completing my other degree. And so, he was totally supporting my career goals and everything else, basically mirroring all my points of view, my interests, just everything.

    However, with the beginning of this marriage, in just in matter of weeks, without even realizing it, I was financially compromised and all over dependent, with no money of my own, with all previous plans been canceled or altered.

    -Besides of selling my property, as soon as we’ve moved in, I dislocated my shoulder (another bizarre story) and by leaving my job, no longer had income of my own. Next, he decided to interrupt lease on my vehicle, by assuming a new one for me, but to HIS name. Then, cancelled my wireless plan, by including me in HIS. Neither, with any joint accounts, nor any cash flow, accept credit cards on HIS name in use. Otherwise, my saving was gone prior the wedding, I only had my own checking with hardly $100 on it, and few small credit cards of my own. Under these circumstances – I was already trapped. Ever since, financial sabotage, remained as a main element in all further events and developments.
    -All at once, he was against my career or work, with demands of becoming a housewife, which he tried to explain of being extremely jealous, along with some vogue plans to accumulate enough money to travel around the world.
    -As over controlling and monitoring my each move, he disproved all my friends, and shortly I was completely socially isolated, including no computer or internet (before moving in with him, he persuade me to through my old computer, by claiming having a new one. But it was a lie. His computer was never in working condition, which he strategically won’t fixed, and later, by purchasing his own laptop, would not let me use)
    He was literally monitoring my each move. (a bit later I’d discover he actually had surveillance system in the house, by rather accidentally calling monitoring station. But they won’t speak and hanged up on me when I admitted of not being aware house being monitored)

    Along with it, was producing discoveries, by starting questioning nearly everything about him – his life style, his friends and his habits, finances, his vogue and fragmented past (including story about his fiance), his constant bragging and how secretive he was…
    -Despite of sizable salary, he appeared to be broke and in debt. As he never had any cash flow, with paying everything with credit cards and transferring huge amounts from one credit card to another, along with opening a new ones, and making unnecessarily expensive purchases at same time.
    -I paid attention to his sudden mood shifts, that when off work, he appeared somewhat under influence. At times with slurred speech and with different degree intoxication, particularly every Fridays and Saturdays evening that he traditionally spent with his “friends”.
    -He was gaslighting from the start, and by the time it was profound. Back then I didn’t know term “gaslighting” but was aware of his actions. Highly concerned where he was heading with it, as he continually challenged my perception, by claiming that I am forgetful and displacing thing, eventually verbalizing concerns about my mental state….I was already afraid and questioning his intentions.

    Then, under all of the above circumstances, I already approached this whole matter about divorce with maximum cations and by previously thinking about it for past several months, still not knowing how to start. I still remember this conversation in great detail, just like remembering all followed PTSD type events I lived through. And how he did, was so twisted and sneaky, that goes right under your skin. Also, it was not just suggestions of suicide, more like a very twisted death threats (with message that he’ll arrange murder for hire)

    Yet, the beginning of conversation was absolutely civilized, till I made it clear that I am not going to reconsider and that’s when he snapped.

    Basically, I started with general lines, that our marriage doesn’t meet my expectations…we’re too different…it won’t work out, and it would be better for both of us, if we’ll just divorce. Then, it turned into seemingly never-ending, with his constant “why” questions, that I didn’t know how to exit. Eventually I just said ‘this conversation is over’ and was about to walk out of room. But he asked for another 5 minutes of my time, ‘just for one more last question’. I agreed. But then asked exact same question ‘why exactly I want to divorce’, but now requested to explain this to him in different words. I replied that I already explained everything and don’t know how else to explain, and added out of frustration “should I just kill myself” (which, self-explanatory, was just a common form of figurative language, like its other version “I’ll just shoot myself” people using all the time on the top of the frustration)

    However, it seems, my ex was just waiting till I say something like that. Because, the next thing I knew he was already “crying”, and loudly sobbing, with saying between sobs “just not in the house…Please, not in the house…All I’m asking, just not in the house….”

    Originally, this made no sense to me, and I asked – What is he talking about?
    On which he replied “you said you are going to kill yourself. Please, not in the house, just not in the house”. And without stopping, continued to persuade me that I actually decided to kill myself.

    He was saying “I understand -it’s your decision…I know you are a strong willed person and no one can’t stop you. All I am asking – just not in the house. Just not in the house…” (here, I could never recall exact word pattern he used. Mainly remembering key words and phrases he used, such as “not in the house” “it’s’ your decision and no one can stop you”, and that he’d “help” me to arrange it)
    And upon finishing this part, immediately resumed “crying” by saying he’s gonna miss me so much after I died, just like he misses his fiancé…Also, “cried” to pity himself -why all people he used to love, have to die….

    I was shocked, stunned and terrified all together. It was surreal. Yet, still hoping he just misinterpreted my figurative speech and was trying to explain it. But he won’t listen, by talking me over with speaking louder and just get going.
    When he finally took a pause, I tried to explain again, that it’s not what I meant, and was just a figurative speech.
    He abruptly stopped “crying”, thought for a second, and in the completely normal tone of voice, said “I know”.
    And to my growing horror, continued on same subject. Now, without any fake cries, being completely serious, also, more specific. Acting like it’s a done deal, and we just discussing details about how better to execute the plan.

    That’s when I’ve literally got stuporous -not able to speak or move, just listening.
    First, he reminded me about not to try killing myself in the house, by emphasizing that it might jeopardize his Medical License and he doesn’t need this type of problems. Then, started to explain about many other different ways how it can be done not in the house, and was willing to help me with its arrangements. He said- he can offer and we can discuss different options, and as I’ll chose one, he’s willing to help me out. He said – it’s self-explanatory, he’s not the one who’s gonna do it -other people will, and he just has these connections and can arrange it for me. He also suggested that I may come up with my own plan, which is fine with him, as soon it’s not in the house, and he’d help me too. By also clarifying -he has different type of resources, and it can be customized as I want, unless it’s not too complicated, like when are too many vehicles involved all at once, or some type of big explosions, like nothing theatrical…. After that, he told me, he doesn’t know about my preferences, but personally, would recommend option with staged car accident, witch in his view – one of the best out there, it’s fast, relatively painless and not too messy, and he can arrange it at any time. But it’s just his opinion….After which he paused, evidently, expecting me to respond.

    At that point, I caught myself that I really paying attention to his words and that is trying to engage me in this conversation. I’ve got so scared by that, by immediately realizing its not safe to listen this and just stopped paying any attention to his words. Also, reminded myself about starting point, where he twisted it all around. All at once, I’ve got major adrenaline surge, and was trying to think fast what to do.

    I don’t know what else he was saying -I no longer listened, 100% preoccupied with trying to figure what to do.
    I momentarily realized my whole situation, that I am trapped from any angle, isolated and totally dependable with no money or resources, and no perspectives to escape in nearest future. That I’d have to regroup and to come up with different plan to get away from him, by also, realizing it’s gonna be time consuming and he would interfere too. But on meantime – have to do what is safe for me and my son, while we’re under same roof with this monster and figuring the rest later. I also realized, what he was doing, was just a beginning (more like first session) and was trying to think of safest way to take control over situation – to show that I am not afraid and his suggestions don’t work on me, so he won’t try it again. Too, didn’t want to play his games and go on his level, by trying to think of a different way to address it. At same time tried to compose myself and act confident as much as I can, even was all terrified on the inside and had flutters in my chest.

    When he finished talking, I asked if he’s done, then I’d like to say something too (trying to present more confident, I also started to walk, by pacing back and forth, like giving him a lecture)

    I started, by saying, that he definitely knows this subject, and was very impressive. But then, he also should know about this particular category of people who prone and at risk of committing a suicide. Then why would he spend his effort, by trying to convince to commit a suicide someone, who is not even depressed or in major life crisis, or else from this list? And asked-maybe he thinks I am depressed? Then, I can assure him I am not. Also, questioning – do I look depressed or act depressed? Adding, that would’ve be I depressed, he probably would’ve be first to know. Also, explaining that whatsoever, but I never getting depressed. That I am only getting upset, which is different, and at present time I am upset because this marriage doesn’t work out.

    Then asked, that, maybe, he thinks I am perceiving divorce or marital problems as a major life crisis? Then he is wrong again. Maybe, for some people it is, but not for me, that I am already divorced once, so what? it happens, and I know people, who’ve been divorced 3, 5 or 6 times, and they all well and alive, and so far, didn’t try to kill themselves over that. After that, started to explain, that I am not type of person, who is easily falling for any type of suggestions or someone’s influence, because I know who I am and stand my grounds, and am not doing things just because someone said so, even if that someone is my family member or a friend.

    And only then, started to explain, that if he thinks that I’d ever consider a suicide, then he is deeply wrong, and just doesn’t know me. As I would never, ever think about anything like that, as I believe it’s just wrong and a sin, and is not a part of my personal philosophy and against my religious beliefs too. By also reminding him, I was not born with silver spoon in my mouth, and have been through different ordeals and extreme situations in my life, much worse than this one, and I am 100% survivable no matter what, as I never give up, and a true believer there is always a way out from any situation, including this one, and I’ve been through worst (actually, all of the above are my true points of view)
    At the end I told him that I really don’t like what he did, and what he said was so wrong, as well as disappointing, to hear this from someone who considered himself as intelligent, smart and educated; and I’d really appreciate if he’d refrain from any future suggestions like this. By reminding him, this sort of suggestions won’t work on me anyway, and just a waste of time on his part. And concluding, if I made myself clear.

    He took a long pause to respond. Then said, “I didn’t say you have to. It’s up to you” (evidently tried to switch back to his game, but I won’t say anything)
    Then, checked his watch, and said he has to go. And, as walking out, added “If you’ll decide, let me know, I’ll help you with its arrangements” (he always had to have a first and a last word)

    This whole conversation took place in the laundry room in our basement (I was about doing laundry before talking to him) and after he left, I just fell on this piles of laundry, and cried for 2 or 3 hours, totally devastated by all this realizations: of what he actually was, how evil, devious and dangerous he was…that I made a biggest mistake of my life by marrying him and was blaming myself for overlooking all red flags and not listening my intuition….that he played me from the start…..that everything I worked so hard was gone and he already destroyed me financially and I have nothing except $100 on my checking and completely trapped and isolated…..that I have to protect and isolate my son from this conflict …. trying to push for divorce or try to complaint was no longer an option- he just made it clear he’d kill me first …and what should I do now?…. I could not process all of it at once, and just shut down. I was like sleepwalking, still in shock for the next few weeks or maybe months, still processing it..

    After that he acted like this particular part of conversation never happened. When he returned home, he only said, that he feels very sorry that our marriage does not meet my expectations, but believed our relationships were “very special”, and was hoping I’d agree with him, to give our marriage another try. After being told few hours earlier he’d murder you and nowhere to run, you better to agree. Although, I did not hide my attitude. Ever since this incident I feel like a hostage, and could not act any different, then it was. I knew I had to regroup and approach this problem differently, but was not productive, still largely confused, and with no control over further situation…

    I still regretting not taking radical measures to escape right away, because later it was too late, I was living my worst nightmare, stalked under same roof with my perpetrator (there is more more to the story)

    My ex-husband led a double life of “high functioning drug addict”, by hiding from others lifelong multi drug addiction, along with psychiatric history since early childhood and first psychiatric drug abuse counseling at age 13. With his expansive drug habits – he was broke and in debt. He targeted me to utilize my identity and identities of my mother and my son for illegal issuance of narcotics and controlled substances he was doing behind my back (including stealing and charging my mother’s medicare card) As well as, for personal bankruptcy filings, which he also filed behind my back while we’ve been married (by deliberately putting himself further in debt to cover up his drug spending as “family expenses”, along with generating fraudulent/forged financial statements from mine and my mother’s names) Through his bankruptcy he also evaded over 66k federal taxes and by transferring it to my name.

    In addition, by abusing illicit drugs, he was involved in some criminal ring (or what he called “friends”, also, white collar professionals, mutually networking and throughout connected). In my view – part of organized crime.
    I made a huge mistake by confronting him with his exploits before finding actual evidences.It’s nearly cost me a life and its almost surreal I was able to survive. Later, I filed complaint to Board of Physicians and DEA (pharmaceutical diversion), and my Mother testified against him in Federal court.
    Under mounting evidences, he finally pleaded guilty to intentionally defrauding Medicare, admitted illegal prescriptions and drug abuse (pharmaceuticals and illicit) Subsequently, was charged with one count of Felony Fraud to Healthcare (Medicare Fraud), crime of moral turpitude, was ordered mandatory psychiatric and drug abuse counselling.
    However, the investigation on the part of Board of Physicians was corrupt from the start and his final disciplinary action was totally bogus – just an automatic revocation of Medical license for one year. After which he had a green light for reinstatement and evidently did not affect him too much.
    Because as soon as his pseudo-disciplinary action was over, he picked up on that harassment campaign where he left off prior his felony fraud conviction, by continuing it with double effort. This time – in retaliation and revenge. Proxy stalking with hacking and mobbing – his favorite.

  • #47266


    Oh my,

    I do hope you have found a way to get away from this dangerous man?

  • #47285

    Carrie’s Daughter

    If you haven’t already, get away from this man, by any means possible. You may be in danger. Stay with family or friends until you’re divorced. Have no contact with him.

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