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Broke up with narcissist and started no contact, having a really tough time

How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other exploiters Forums Lovefraud Community Forum – General Broke up with narcissist and started no contact, having a really tough time

This topic contains 48 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by  corcorangirl 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #39473

    cindyds
    Participant

    I am new here and just need some help and insight on my situation. I dated my narcissist for 2 years and he was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I recently broke it off with him and I went no contact. I just couldn’t take it anymore I still feel like I’m on the verge of going insane.

    He was a master of manipulation. He would use silent treatments. Lie and cheat. Cheat and lie. And continue a cycle for the whole 2 years. I caught onto EVERYTHING. This drove him absolutely insane. He would gaslight me and project
    All his guilty feelings onto me. He would make me feel stupid or I would apologize for accusing him Of things that I knew were true. But instead I would accept the lie instead of the truth because it was always easier. If I didn’t comply with what he wanted he would say fine I’ll get one of these other girls to do it for me. He always made it seem like he had girls he would use for money and other things on the side. Which oh boy did he ever. He would threaten to leave and wouldn’t be satisfied until I was in tears or calling non stop and texting and begging for him to forgive me and come back. I couldn’t believe I would now down to him. When I knew the truth about everything.

    I would always go through his call logs his phone was under my name and STILL WITH SOLID PROOF he would lie and tell me he wasn’t talking to these girls when he in fact was. And stupid me would still sit there and believe his lies. He said he was only using them for money and we can laugh together and spend it because these girls are stupid and give in and I wasn’t anything like them. He was the true Master of manipulation. It sounds so stupid to me writing all of this now but I just wanted him to be normal. And believe he actually did love
    Me in some twisted way.

    Of course things got worse I broke up with him the first time a few months ago and then he started the love bombing and idolizing. He reeled
    Me right back into hell and I went in head first not knowing the devil was still behind the mask. He devalued me this time in ways I thought were unimaginable. He stopped
    Talking to me for 2 weeks and I finally got a hold of him. He told me he had gotten someone pregnant. I broke down instantly. He said I deserve someone better and he doesn’t know how this could be fixed. I never thought I’d hear these words. But In fact this was a cover up for the new supply, new girlfriend he had
    Ready before my discard. But no I couldn’t let him have the last day not again. So I yelled and screamed at him and said everything I ever needed to say and then I FINALLY cut his phone off. He had deleted me off of Facebook and Instagram. I thought it was over. He has messaged me every few days on Facebook and I’m not sure what to do.

    Some days I feel really strong and other days I feel like I could give in any moment and break no contact. I miss him a lot and I still love him but I can never go back. The last thing he said to me was “so your done for Good right can’t answer me or anything” I have left them and haven’t replied to anything. I just don’t know what he’s trying to do and why he keeps trying to contact me when he has his new supply. He must have thought I’d stay forever but I had to leave for my own sanity. Thank you to anyone who reads this I hope it makes sense I haven’t been able to think straight and it’s only been 10
    Days of no contact please help me !!!!

  • #39801

    jokule
    Participant

    Hi Cindy it might be better to block him on facebook rather than ignore his messages, It stops him and yourself from even being able to speak to each other, I do this as a coping mechanism, as in the past for example I have had a drink then sent a regretful message to an ex that wasn’t blocked. I also blocked numbers on whatsapp , or any other social media that can be used as messaging, number is added to auto reject on my phone too.
    He is probably treating you as a backup supply or who’s to say they don’t want several sources of supply!
    I hope you feel better soon, try do things to distract you, read, watch box sets, go to workout classes (I do bootcamp, its great for endorphin release)
    Also I have even looked up EFT tapping on youtube, there are also articles about it on here.
    Be proud of yourself!

  • #39802

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    cindyds – your story is absolutely classic for someone who was involved with a sociopath. The best thing you can do is have absolutely no contact with this man. All he really wants is power and control, so every time he sends you a message, it is an attempt to establish power and control over you again.

    Keep reading Lovefraud. It will help you understand what you are dealing with, and realize that you are not alone.

  • #39803

    cindyds
    Participant

    Plot twist I have been doing good with no contact just over 10 days. Just a few moments ago I received a phone call from an unknown number. I always answer my phone and I had no idea who it was. Until I heard his voice..

    He literally just called me with a new unknown number since I have cut off his phone that was under me.

    He said “do you want me to bring you the food and I said what and he repeated that again, I was like who is this he’s replied whose this and he’s like oh I didn’t mean to call you I said do you know who this is he’s like I do now and he’s said I’m sorry to disturb you” I couldn’t help but start to yell at him. He couldn’t face me after telling me what he had done 2 weeks ago before I finally broke up with him. I said he was such a coward and I can’t believe he didn’t have the decency to face it like a man. I think he called me on purpose he has a new phone which means he still has my number. Then he started saying oh my god why do I even have your number why did I call you. Making it seem like he couldn’t bare listening to me. Then he said I never replied to his Facebook messages and he was trying and he said he was sorry and said what was he Supposed
    To do cry about me wanting to move on without him ? He said you’re done for good you already said that I said yes I am. I continued to freak out and called him out on many things he’s done. I then told him I have nothing to say and I don’t care. He said this is the last convo we are having I said I don’t care if it’s the last one we have in this life time. Told him he will live a miserable life and I hung up before he could.

    I sincerely did not know this was him. I cried when I got off of the phone because I was doing so well and didn’t want
    To give him any kind of reaction I was ignoring him completely. I didn’t want him
    To have the upper hand or last word so I made sure of that by hanging up. But hearing his voice again after weeks has me on edge right now and all I can do is cry. I know I would have given unto him if I kept talking so I had to cut the conversation and go about my night. I still can’t believe he’s trying anyway possible to contact
    Me I don’t know what else to do. All I know is I don’t want him to think he has the last laugh because most of the time they always do. Thank you again to whoever read this I just went into panic mode and I feel an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I feel like I have to contact
    Him now but I will not let myself.

  • #39804

    imokay
    Participant

    This is so heartbreaking because I was there, not too long ago. I found what helped me was to realize and tell myself, constantly, that it didn’t matter what I did/didn’t say/do, nothing in his life would change. He never loved me because he can’t

    Lose the need to “have the last word” because it doesn’t matter.

    I realized that “I” could have been “anyone”. None of the women in his life ever mattered, it just mattered that someone was there. All. The. Time.

    I had access to his email for a while and would check it regularly then I would stalk the women he was emailing with. It was so unhealthy and ultimately it held me back from recovery. He changed his email password at some point so I was cut off from that, which was good. I blocked him from contacting me, reluctantly, and every time I think to unblock “just to see” I remind myself how far I’ve come

    Every time I would hear his voice I would fall back to being destroyed again.

    Read everything you can on this site and any others you can find about Narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy, sociopath. You will find the answers you seek. You will never get a straight answer out of him and, lets be honest, what difference does it make what he did when you were together. It’s over and all that will do is hurt you over and over again

    hang in there, girl…you’ll get through it. I can promise you that

  • #39805

    bluelena
    Participant

    imokay is SO RIGHT. On every point. One of the hardest things for me is knowing that I will never have closure, will never get an apology, and can never even be friends with him again. I’m working to find that closure within myself, and forgiving myself.

    I have reminders in my iPhone that go off at different times of the day to remind me of how awesome I’m doing, and reminding myself that he’s broken.

    It gets better! I’m at 8 weeks of no contact and while I’m over wanting to reach out to him, I still bristle at the times that I will have to see him in person. So far, so good. It gets easier as time goes by. Every day that you don’t have contact with him is another day between the end of your relationship with him and your future.

  • #39808

    cindyds
    Participant

    Thank you to everyone who has responded to this post and for all of the wonderful advice. And thank you so much for reading.

    I know why no contact is so important now for so many reasons. I always feel like I have to have the last word so that is a good point that it just doesn’t matter. Lately what’s been bothering me those most is that he denied that he’s moved on with a new supply or “girlfriend” but I hear around from other people which I hate (I won’t be letting that happen anymore.) that he’s with one his friends “baby moms” and she is a girl i went to high school with. I asked her before I broke up with him for good if she was talking to him and she lied I got proof from other people. I just can’t believe how awful those 2 are. I guess they deserve each other. It’s tearing me up inside thinking that he’s moved on this quickly without a thought even though he still tries to get me to give in. I think because it’s her it’s especially bothering me. She’s now friends with all of his sisters and so on. He’s more or less replaced me with her or so it feels. I know they say these people can’t love but I always have this awful feeling that he will love another girl or treat her better. Or that some how he will be happier with her or some other girl. I just can’t seem to get past this part now. There is SO much that’s happened in these past 2 years I could write a novel. The reasons for my feelings are due to so many different things. I just wish he found anybody else but her maybe it would have been easier I really don’t know. He denied to me that he ever talked to her and I feel so bad for his “friend” that they both went behind mine and his backs. I just hope that I can find a way to deal with this pain. I’ll be fine then think about it and think about how he’s probably telling her all the same things he once told me and saying I’m crazy and everything else under the sun to everyone meanwhile I’m not.

    I’m a very anxious person I have anxiety issues and this has been the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with by far. I overthink in general. But I really did love this guy with my whole heart. I just hope that one day he gets to feel what I went through although I doubt its possible. Can someone please help me out with getting over this I just think it’s worse because it’s someone I know and I REALLY need to let go of this. I guess it’s one step at a time. I’ve been just trying to take it day by day I found I became more upset after him calling me unknown yesterday. Thank you so much again to anyone whose reading this I appreciate this more than you will ever know !!!!

  • #39809

    imokay
    Participant

    Oh cindyds…I know exactly how you feel! I had myself convinced that I was the one he loved. The others were just him sowing his oats after his divorce. I was the one who could make him happy. He knew it too, he just needed to admit it to himself. I used to tell him so. God I was so messed up.

    I can promise you no one, not any girl will get treated any better or worse than you did. Remember, we are interchangeable. When he hooked up with you he left another woman feeling the way you do right now.

    My ex moved his next target in while he was talking to me.

    I work with the ex neighbor of my narc and he told me that they would fight so loud the entire neighborhood could hear. There are moments, still, that I think he’ll come to his senses and come back to me. But I quickly remind myself that he’s not capable of love! And I sometimes feel sorry for the “her” that’s there now, how messed up she was to be a target and how messed up she must be now that she lives with him, but I always come back to “better her than me”.

    Work on your self respect. You deserve better than him. You know it. Keep telling yourself positive things about yourself. You are smart, you are funny, people like you, you’re a great friend, daughter, sister, mom, aunt……whatever. Nobody should be treated like that

  • #39810

    iownmypower
    Participant

    Greetings to all and a huge THANK YOU to everyone involved with this important website. Out of unfortunate necessity, I have now self-studied the topic of sociopaths and narcicists for close to five years. Even though we who go through this “process” may eventually intellectually understand what sociopaths and narcissists are – totally self-centered, conscience-free and emotion-free (in the case of sociopaths), totally lacking in empathy (how can they understand feelings they aren’t capable of having?), compulsive liars and gaslighters, etc, it is still so hard for people like us who have actual feelings and consciences not to want to believe these people do as well, and that they will act accordingly. They have love bombed us, made us feel “special” and loved. But the sad reality is that those are our feelings, not theirs. And these people made us have those feelings as part of a totally calculated strategy designed solely to get them what they wanted – power and control over us (sexually, emotionally, financially). We are nothing more than another game to them in an endless lifetime of games. Many of them will even use words like game, target, and conquest to refer to us. We think of people like this existing only as monsters in movies. But they are out there in everyday life, pretending to be like us. I have had my own struggles with the no contact rule precisely because these people are so good at getting in our heads and giving us that smidgen of a reminder of how good they once made us feel. Some of them will work on us off and on for years before they reveal their true selves or, more likely, we will become aware on our own. Others will see a weakness (like the all too familiar recent romantic breakup) and ruthlessly pounce like a panther wearing a pretend loving kitty mask. I have a couple of movies to recommend that may help pull all of us out of our personal attraction for these people so we can see them for who and what they really are. First is The Apartment from the 1960s. Shirley McLain plays a very compelling one of us. Fred McMurray is spot on as the totally uncaring sociopath who drives her to attempt suicide after she discovers (and he admits) that she was one in a long line of flings he had behind his wife’s back. It’s a great movie with an emplowering ending. The second is “Storm of the Century” a Stephen king movie about a true demonic monster posing as a human. The plot is different and the ending sucks. But the bad guy character is exactly what we are dealing with: no feelings:
    ; no soul; no conscience. “Give me what I want or I will destroy you”. So what do these analogies have to do with this thread? Hopefully they help us re-think who/what kind of beings really are behind the masks we are letting ourselves be fooled by. With the masks off, do you Really EVER want to have contact with these monsters again? Forget the outer faces they project or the fake people they pretended to be who acted like they cared about you. They didn’t and they won’t. Ever. In movies like these, we want our heroines (or heros) to escape. Why would we not want the same for ourselves? Trust me, the first step to successful no contact implementation is seeing the real monster behind the mask – and accepting that as a permanent fact that you cannot change, explain or EVER accept fault for. Now – recall that image and only that image whenever you are tempted to initiate or return contact. Make yourself sick with that reality whenever you think of him (or her). That makes the no contact part of this process much easier to carry forward. I’m sure I will have more to add. But I wanted to offer those initial thoughts on my first post to this website.

  • #39811

    iownmypower
    Participant

    Oh. Add the Movie “Needful Things” (also by Stephen King) to my earlier list. Picture Max Von Sydow’s character any time you are tempted to breach the no contact rule! It’s an instant cure!!!

  • #39812

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Cindyds, You sound like you are thinking clearly in spite of what you are going through. The way you feel sounds like normal and natural responses to being abused and betrayed by a spath. I relate to the anxiety you feel. I’m not normally anxious, but interaction with my ex psychopath caused anxiety from the beginning of the ‘relationship’ even before I consciously knew that he was deceiving, manipulating, and exploiting me. I have been free of him for several years and have no contact. However if someone just mentions him in conversation it still causes anxiety and stress that takes several days to clear.
    Your anxiety is probably rational. Your ex harmed you, and his motive is to exploit you. He is dangerous to you. Your mind and body are telling you to stay away from him. The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker is a book that describes how our subconscious warns us via fear and anxiety about people and situations that are dangerous for us.

    You are a good and normal person capable of love; and you loved the person your ex portrayed himself, but probably not the person he really is. You take that ability to love with you, and you have it to give to someone who deserves your love because he is a good man who keeps his commitments, who is honest, and who loves and appreciates you.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to protect yourself by now allowing him to harm you by being invisible to him and not allowing him to have any contact with you, and not allowing him to take up any space in your mind and in your life. You will feel better.

    Let us know how you are doing.

  • #39813

    sp
    Participant

    Hello, I have just found this site and I am quite amazed with what I have read so far. I have come to the realization that my soon to be exboyfriend is more than likely a N. I have known this man since we were 10 yrs old, we grew up together and first loves. We dated all through high school and it was good times then. After high school we broke up and he got engaged shortly after then married. Married a girl that I caught him with years before. So, he was married and I was brokenhearted and couldn’t believe he did it so quick. Some years later I married, had kids and 1 day while at work he walked in the door. OMG, I thought it was fate. We talked some and both of us were struggling with our relationships so in the end, we both ended our marriages. We have now been together for 12 years. From early on I knew something wasn’t right and through the years I have not always trusted him. There was always things said that just didn’t make sense. Lies in other words. The last 2 years have been a roller coaster. It’s a constant struggle with him. He acts as if I will always be there no matter how bad he treats me. He makes excuses for not answering my calls or text. Goes off the grid for hours at a time and says I’m overthinking everything. So many holes in the stories that he tells. He has been working away in another state for last 2 months. He will send me a morning text, a short 5 min call at lunch & maybe a call after work. So many times that he not contact me and then say Oh I was out with guys and couldn’t answer, etc. Just no big deal for him. There are so many things that just haven’t been right in so long and I feel I am losing my mind. Even when he is back home, I get the same. He will tell me he will be over and it doesn’t matter what I time I think he will be here, he isn’t. He can sometimes give me a time but 99\% of the time it isn’t. I will call him and get no answer and maybe he will call back at some point to say Oh I left phone in truck, etc. Just so much of this type of thing all the time. When he’s home it’s just him doing his thing and coming to me when day is done with me not knowing much of what he did during the day. Most of the time I can’t believe him. I have decided this week and it’s time I walk away. I have been taking care of his house, yard, animals and mail the whole time he has been gone. He’s got it good. I take care of all that(20 min drive 1 way) and his mom takes care of his bills & finances. He just makes me feel all our relationship issues are me. He says if I would just “get along” it will all work out. In other words, if I don’t ask questions and go along with the little bit of attention he gives me, I should be happy. I have tried that and it seems he gives me less & less and yeah I sit and accept it. He told me some time ago he wanted no smothering, no nagging, no commitment, no living together, no marriage. So, gee why am I staying around? He would throw me a crumb and push the right button to get me back in. I have sent a text earlier this week letting him no that I am going to give him what he wants. I let him know I gave him 12 yrs to make me feel special, that our relationship has only been lies, coldness & left over lustful moments. I told him I don’t feel guilty for walking away from someone who only tries to make ME feel guilty & unloved. He didn’t respond of course “Just ignore her & her crap as usual” would be his thinking. He thinks “I will call her and smooth it over blah blah blah. I had my mind set to take what few things he has here to his house this weekend and leave them and tell him to find someone else to do his chores. I’m having 2nd thoughts as I have always done in the past. Stick it out, he will come around. He loves you, it’s just his way of love, etc. I could really use some feedback as I am rambling a bit and there is so much more that I could go into.

  • #39816

    cindyds
    Participant

    Thank you so much everyone for the kind replies. And thank you annettepk ! I feel better knowing I’m not the only person who has ever gone through this. A lot of people around me don’t understand why im still so upset or why I’m having such a tough time forgetting and letting go completely. I am still doing good with no contact he hasn’t called me or said anything since November 15th when he called me unknown. I more or less told him I do not want him anymore and he lied saying he hasn’t moved on but I know he has I’ve heard from others.

    now that it’s been a full month that I haven’t seen him it almost doesn’t feel real. The last fight we had didn’t really feel like the end, because every time we fought we would just make up and it would go in the same circle. But this time was different he already had his new supply and I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. Telling him that I didn’t want him anymore was the hardest thing I had to do. Because deep down I still love this man. But I know he isn’t capable of loving anyone. What’s still bothering me is how easily he moved on. He used to talk bad about this girl the whole time he was with me if she was ever brought up he’d say she was disgusting and everyone’s been with her. This was his friends “baby mother” as they say. And then he ends up with her ? A lot of people say it’s a rebound and not to worry and others say he looks for vulnerable people which as a sociopath or narcissist is true. I just can’t believe I lived a lie for 2 years and it’s especially bothering me because it’s around the holidays we had so many things planned. We were going to get a place together and we just got a new car. (None of this had to do with him i did all of this on my own there is no ties financially) and it’s very hard for me to get over the plans that we were making when in reality he had other plans to get new supply and a new girl in the picture all along. I know he’d never see the value of a girl like me compared to a girl like that because everyone to him is an object. But I do hope one day he realizes what he lost that’s the only thing I hope his twisted mind remembers.

    I miss him and still cry sometimes I literally saw his jacket yesterday and started bawling. Any little thing sets me off, even if I go out anywhere because we used to go everywhere together. I just cannot fathom him telling another girl everything he told me even though it’s all lies it still hurts. I always think what if she stays because In her past relationships she was always cheated on and just stayed I know this girl from years ago. So she wouldn’t care what my ex
    Does. But that also means I know I didn’t deserve any of what he had done to me. I guess it comes down to what you think you deserve at the end of the day.

    His last words keep replaying in my head. Sometimes you just want them to fight for you and see that they want to come back. But I know it would just be another round in hell. I just can’t wait until this all becomes a distant memory. Some people say I may be able to even be his friend later down the line but I doubt that. Not the type of person he is he would just try to weasel his way back in. I just need to keep healing I have been feeling down about myself thinking that he thinks that girl or whoever else he is talking to is better than me but at the same time I know they aren’t. I have only ever been with him and my morals and values are a lot different. I just have to remember he doesn’t think the same way I do or how other normal people do. It has been such a struggle. I’m exhausted. There were good times that we had and I’m in a phase right now where I go back and forth.

    By that I mean one second I think he isn’t a narcissist and the next I remind myself he is. He has done so many awful things he’s a pathological liar so I know he for sure is a sociopath of some kind. Is this normal to think that he isnt a narc during healing and blaming myself for what’s happened ? I find myself thinking I did something to make him leave or make it worse but I know I didn’t. He did everything possible to ruin anything we had. And he hasn’t contacted me at all do you think he’s forgetting about me or has forgotten about me completely since I went no contact ? Is it possible for them to miss you or even care at all ? Thank you so much for reading again just been a rough few days I appreciate all of you so much and I hope everyone else is doing well !

    Cindyds

  • #39817

    iownmypower
    Participant

    Hi Cindyds

    You are obviously a very loving, caring and giving person, which is what every nice, normal man is looking for so he can have an honest, loving relationship with you . But narcissists and sociopaths are not nice people. And they are not normal. They are not looking for loving relationships. They are looking for targets to “conquer” by wielding power over them and hurting them. They are nothing but opportunists. And kind people like you are the very targets they seek, precisely because they can hurt you and keep on doing it over and over and over and over. Just take a look as everyone who has responded here. They are all loving and caring – capable of having their hearts broken and generous enough to want to see good in someone who isn’t,
    and to give almost unlimited second chances to people who don’t deserve them. People like you are the perfect targets. I know. Because I was one myself. Will this guy ever change? No. Will he ever be sorry? No. Will he ever actually care that you aren’t around? No. Do you deserve better??? Hell yes! You can get over this. And hopefully it helps to hear so many of us tell the same story. You are not crazy. You are not unreasonable. You are not bad. Far from it. You are awesome. And there are so many awesome fish out there in the sea. And you will find one who will return the love you give. In the meantime, stick to the no contact rule-no exceptions — no matter how hard it is. Develop a distraction that you use every time you are tempted to contact him or to respond. If you have accidental contact with this person, act like you just swatted a mosquito. Give him no satisfaction in any response beyond maybe “hello”. The one thing these jerks love is hurting you and causing a reaction. That gives them power over you. And they love that. The thing they hate is losing the power over you – i.e. getting no reaction.

    One thing to be careful about is repeating the mistake in future relationships. I know because I did that too, before I knew what these people are all about. Apparently, I am a sucker for the kind of guy who love bombs. So I am very wary of this kind of guy now. You should be too. It’s not that nice guys dont occasionally do it. It’s that virtually all narcissists and sociopaths do it. So when you encounter that again, approach with great caution.

    One day you will stop crying. I promise! And one day the amount of mental energy you devote to thinking about him and bargaining with yourself over whether and how you can make him change will also end. It takes time. But you WILL get there!!! Good luck.

  • #39819

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Cindyds, Good to hear from you! And really good to know you’ve been successful in maintaining no contact. It is not easy.
    The way you feel and your thoughts doubting what he really is like, are all totally normal. He messed with your mind, and it usually takes awhile to get one’s normal perspective back. Spaths constantly blame their victims for the harmful behavior the spaths choose; which causes the victim to question whether she did things to ‘make’ the spath lie, cheat, steal, abandon the victim, etc.
    Even though he deceived you and he is not what he represented himself to be, you have still experienced a real and profound loss that you are grieving for.
    Because spaths don’t bond, the ‘relationship’ does not end like normal relationships and there is no closure which makes it more difficult to recover.
    It sounds like you are doing a good job taking good care of yourself.

  • #39820

    iownmypower
    Participant

    Sp. I meant to include you in my earlier response to Cindyds. Your situation sounds very similar to hers and to mine, in that we all think if we could just figure out a way to adequate explain to the spath what he is going and why it is wrong, then he will change. That is how normal people with actual feelings respond to a logical argument. Right?. Well, these people are not normal. And there is no number of times or elequence of wording that will convince them that they should change. Nor are there any words or tearful pleas that will magically convince them that they, not you, are responsible for their bad behavior and your sadness. As Annette said, spaths do not bond. And they do not care about the feelings of others. They don’t accept responsibility for what they do. They have no moral compunction about habitually cheating on you and then lying about and then telling you that you are the liar or the one with memory problems, or paranoia issues or intelligence deficiencies, or emotional problems None of these accusations is true. But the spath constantly puts you on the defensive to erode your confidence and thereby allow him to win the power game. What totally snapped me out of my fog was when my two daughters shared the same kinds of stories about their dad that I had experienced . That was a major turning point for me. in fact, I truly believe it was my moment of emancipation – after decades of enduring all his manipulative gaslighting and mind games. You can get there too. It just takes time and, most importantly, knowledge (which you now have) that you are not the problem. He is the problem. And you have neither the ability nor the responsibility to change him.

  • #39822

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Dear Cindy,

    It is really helpful for you to realize that your head and heart are at war and to choose your head. Your heart will eventually follow. Your heartstrings get pulled because of the psycho-sexual emotional bond you have. However, you need to think (and maybe even pray) your way through this. Even if you have never experienced a healthy relationship in which you are loved and cherished, imagine what that would feel like. Maybe you have friends who have this kind of relationship. You may ask for help from a higher power. This is especially useful before you go to sleep because you could get images in your dreams that could help you. For instance, in my dreams, I get little vignettes of meeting a man who truly cherishes me. I am filled with that good feeling, and I wake up with a fleeting trace of it. That feeling keeps me safe from the losers. I remember once I was living with a man who was not good for me. He was an alcoholic, and he and his drug-using friends became my only family. When I kept trying to leave, I had a dream that I was sitting in a hot tub with him and his friends, when a large, tall male friend lifted me out and carried me away. Shortly after that dream, I was able to make the final break. The use of imagery, prayer, and just plain desire for something better have gotten me out of many an inappropriate relationship. Granted, it was a rude awakening to find that most normal men are not knights in shining armor. They all come with their issues and neuroses too. But a truly loving relationship usually feels safe and comforting most of the time.

  • #39826

    iownmypower
    Participant

    Stargazer is so right! Imagining yourself in a healthy relationship is a necessary step to breaking out of a bad one. There is a fabulous book entitled “Necessary Endings” by Dr. Henry Cloud, which also speaks to this issue. You can order it in print or download form from Amazon. It is worth every penny! And thank you, Stargazer, for your excellent advice!

  • #39827

    iownmypower
    Participant
  • #39828

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    IOwnMyPower, Thanks for the info and the link. I don’t see any way to report posts here, like in the blog, but I’ve emailed Donna when one is posted as I’m sure she wants to remove it.

  • #39829

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I’ve had a few relationships with alcoholics in my life and these are the hardest to walk away from (and all alcoholics are narcissistic). There is something about the intense emotional bonding I’ve felt with them and the guilt I feel about leaving. I tell myself that I am the stronger person and should have walked away a lot sooner, that I knew in my gut a long time before that this person was not appropriate for me. But having no family and difficulty throughout my life relating and bonding to others, I stayed in the unhealthy relationship long past the expiration date. Being on a spiritual path is a bitch sometimes. When being with someone pulls me off my spiritual path, my spirit tells me to leave. But the inner child is longing for family and just wants to cuddle up with that person with some comfort food and watch a movie – sometimes just figuratively, but sometimes literally. I can be in this fog of comfort and co-dependence for a long time, not wanting to leave the womb of togetherness. I sometimes wish I could go back to the days before I started on this path of awareness – to just go back to blissful ignorance. Only, it wasn’t so blissful. There was a lot of drama, a lot of acting out, and a lot of bad choices. Your spirit makes the right choices if only you have the courage to listen to it. It takes a lot of courage to be a human being and to do the “right” thing. It is not always what the heart wants.

  • #39837

    cindyds
    Participant

    Thank you again to all of those who replied to my post you all have been so helpful. It has been a month since I received his unknown phone call and we haven’t had any contact since. I find myself still struggling as I was just starting to feel better and I found out he was doing a smear campaign.

    He more or less is spreading lies and telling information about me and other friends and family members, I have been trying my best to ignore all of this. What I found quite weird is he actually blocked me on Facebook recently even though we haven’t talked at all. And now he is spreading these rumours and lies. The last time we spoke he said that would be our last conversation and I said I didn’t care, I thought this was over being a month later but now it seems this is something new. It’s never fun to have a narcissist act like they are the victim. His exact words were if “I am making him out to look like the bad guy then he is going to do and say these awful things.” To a third party I heard what he’s been saying through the grapevine.

    I don’t understand why this would be happening now, I have not been saying anything bad about him to anyone. I still talk to people we both know and if a question arises I remain humble and just brush it off. I am doing my best here but still find myself having feelings towards him even though he is so malicious. I thought the breakup would have been different but this nightmare seems to be never ending. He moved on with his friends baby mother but still has time to try and ruin my life. That too still bothers me but I do know it will never last between them.

    This has been so emotionally and mentally exhausting the past while, I know reacting isn’t good so I’ve just done my best to relax given the situation. I just know I don’t deserve this treatment I treated him like gold and I just don’t understand why he hates me so much, I think that breaks my heart more than anything. I loved him with everything I had and it seems he threw me under the bus so easily and it doesn’t even phase him. I’m at a loss, I’m not sure what to do. Thank you to those who read this, I truly appreciate it. feels good to be writing again and being able to express what is going on instead of trying to explain to others who just don’t understand.

  • #39839

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    It’s good to hear from you, but sorry that you’re the victim of his smear campaign. I relate, as I’m several years out and my ex psychopath is still spreading lies about me. It hurt me a lot at first; I learned to ‘rise above’ it to some extent. It sounds like you are doing the right think by refraining from bad mouthing him. People who know you won’t believe his slandering, and others will see what you are really like by observing your actions over time.

    You loved the person he portrayed himself as, and you have experienced a real loss to be grieved and a real betrayal to recover from. You are normal and you can’t just turn your feelings off – it takes time.

    Spaths hate everyone and everything. What he did and is doing is typical of spaths’ destruction and the pain they cause. It may be helpful to you to recognize that he will probably continue to do things that cause you consternation and make it difficult to maintain no contact and to move forward with your life.

    Take care.

  • #39843

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Dear Cindy,

    When you are the victim of a smear campaign, it can be enraging to hear the things the sociopath is saying! It can seem like he has the power to destroy your life. But the sociopath only has as much power as you give him/her, and the truth always comes out in the end. They are not as smart as they think they are and their “power” comes from a very base level of control and manipulation. Any people who are truly your friends will see your behaviors and realize that his lies are just lies. And the rest need not be a big part of your life. In a situation like this, I look to the Obamas – Michelle and Barack – as role models in the way they handled the Trump smear tactics: “When they go low, we go high.” I don’t mean to get political. Whatever you think about the Obama’s, their statements and actions during the campaign were exemplary in how to deal with an extreme narcissist. Keep your spirits high, Cindy, and you will have other people in your life who are like that, too. Anyone who stoops to gossip about you is not worthy of your time and attention. Let them all go low – you can go high. Focus on your goals and dreams for your life, and don’t let the smear campaign bring you down. Your thoughts are very powerful – choose them wisely. My best to you.

  • #39845

    survival101
    Participant

    hi Cindy, i have also been in this position, around and around in circles, always your fault and never his.

    Stay strong, you will never be happy in a relationship with him but these people don’t want to let you go… my narcissist/sociopath is currently engaged to someone else and still up to his old tricks trying to real me in with adoration and eternal declarations of love…which is nice to hear but its all lies…he just wants the control, he doesn’t want anyone else to have me….i could destroy his current immitation of ‘love’ with messages he’s sent. but i don’t want him back in my life. i want him to marry someone else…this is the only way i can heal properly.

    the only way to heal and not get entangled up in him again is to cut him off completely…this is extremely hard to do as you’re an addict and you crave him… time IS a great healer… block him and stay cold turkey…dont give in when you crave that hit…believe meet will set you back 100 steps..ive been there and don’t that…. my biggest mistake. if only id have cold turkeyed out completely on my first attempt i wouldn’t still be in recovery after 4 years of on off contact

  • #39848

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Amber Ault’s book The Five Step Exit has been helpful to me.

  • #40115

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Hope you are doing well.

  • #40118

    jaybird
    Participant

    Cindyds, I just read all your posts and the replies. I am struggling to end my 7 year relationship and all your experiences are similar to mine. I’ve been trying No Contact but he keeps finding a way to get to me. I hurt and am struggling day to day. It’s been a few months since your original post and I hope you are doing well. It would help me to know if you are and what has helped you.

  • #40121

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    jaybird I hope you have a good support system.

  • #40125

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    jaybird, I am so sorry this happened to you but you are NOT alone! Reading books such as “PsychopathFree”, “No Contact, How to beat a Narcissist” and “Love of Lies”. There are so many readings out there that emulate exactly what we all have been through.

    I, too, had been fooled four times into believing my Narc that he had “Changed”, ” I was his true love”, “You and I have such a Connection”.
    “You are my Soulmate”. As I read the books, I had many AHA Moments, where my mouth was left wide open. Was my Narc who they were referring to? I finally realized they are all the same!!! This master manipulation is so rehearsed and inside their dirty souls, it is automatic.

    I know you are hurting because he has “moved on” with another but trust me when I say this and listen well……. SHE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU….SHE IS NO MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU and he will treat her EXACTLY like he treated you. It is the cycle they all go through. I let my N come back three times and each time it was the same-The first few weeks, month at the longest, he was kind, put me first, rubbed my feet, massaged me, made mad passionate love to me with those intense eyes, and I fell for it each time until the real self started coming through again. You see, they can NOT put on this fake persona forever because its not their true self. They have NO sincere feelings; Its all Fake and the sooner you come to grasp with that, the better. They do not love anyone. They give us, the victims, an ILLUSION that they do, but they do not.

    Once they feel they have you again, THEN the punishment begins, the silence treatments, the name calling. The worst part of all, to me, was how he would tell me I was crazy, that I needed to be in a mental institution. Another thing, is the Phone game. They treat their phone like a weapon. They ALWAYS have their phone on silent and come up with all kinds of excuses as to why that is…….You know why? Because their previous victim is probably texting them constantly because they more than likely disappeared and snuck out on them with no ending. My N did this several times to his other victims, including the mother of his child. He would just leave. Another fave of the N is leaving at the most painful times. My N has never spent one XMAS with his son. This year, leaving one day before XMAS even though I begged him to stay to see his son at XMAS. I would scream at him “Why cant you be normal?”. “Don’t you care?” “Have you no conscience?”…. only to find these very words in several books I read. When you get to that point where you are asking these questions, run, and run so far away!! We should not have to be telling grown men how to act like a compassionate, humane, human being.

    I just wanted to share my background with you to get to this point of No Contact which you are struggling with. It is the ONLY WAY! Every other time, I would reply to my Narc’s texts, pleas, begs, and eventually I would fall right back into his trap. This time……Oh Boy, things are different. As I kicked him out, as he gathered his belongings, I felt NOTHING. I didn’t cry; What I did was leashed up my dog and went for a drive to Starbucks!!!! I felt FREE!!!!! This burden is out of my house and out of my life FOREVER!!! I started No Contact that day and its been 10 days now and I have NO DESIRE at all. Anytime I even feel like playing with his mind a little, I take a few deep breathes, and read, read, read, and read certain parts of the books that remind me……Don’t bother because you acting out is WHAT THEY WANT!!! They feed off of that!!! It FUELS them!!!!

    Please know he will NEVER change and it might take you a few more times before you finally “get it” just like me. I even personally know two other victims of my N and compared stories which are identical to mine, and I STILL took him back a few more times. Be glad he is having a baby with this other girl and its not you. NO CONTACT is more difficult when you have a child so just start counting your days of NO CONTACT and each day will get better and better. You will begin to feel your normal self soon and KNOW that you are not crazy…..Don’t be hard on yourself for falling for these types either. I am well educated, have a six figure income, and I STILL fell for my Narc three times!!!!! I can laugh about it now, just like you will someday.

    In the meantime……Occupy your mind with books, go out with friends, get rid of any of his belongings ( I just sold mine’s Nike Zoom Basketball shoes and it felt SO SO good), and practice self care/love. LOVE yourself.

    Finally Free after Four!!!!!

  • #40126

    jaybird
    Participant

    What is a good support system? I am going to counseling and my counselor is familiar with and promotes “no contact.” I’ve read and re-read a few books (Psychopath Free, Exorcism – Purging the Narcissist from Your Heart and Soul, No Contact, and others). The books and the forums were a huge breakthrough for me. I got rid of my cell phone and deleted my facebook account. My family and friends are there for me but they don’t really understand. I don’t even understand what has happened. I am thinking about getting on some medication like an anti-depressant or something. I keep reading and re-reading. It is still so hard. He is now in a relationship with someone else. Doing everything the books say, saying how happy he is. But yesterday he came by my house a couple of times to spy on me I think. I spoke briefly with him. There was no emotion but still… it was almost a comfort for me to see him. But I was doing so good yesterday… I can’t go back again. I’ve gone back so many times and it is miserable. I know exactly how the cycle works.

  • #40127

    jaybird
    Participant

    Thank you for the response. I will keep reading and re-reading as I have been doing. I’ve read 2 of the books you mentioned and just got the other. I wish he would just leave me alone. I’ve taken him back after some really terrible things. I hate him for what he has done but I still hurt that he is gone. It doesn’t make sense. I should be glad he is out of my life.
    He blames me for everything that went wrong. He obsesses over “lies” that he says I’ve told to him. He obsesses over things sometimes I don’t know what is the truth or what happened. Then all of a sudden I am the lier, cheater, whore.
    I feel like a shell of the person I once was.

  • #40129

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    JayBird, The way you feel is a normal response to having been betrayed, bullied, exploited, and blamed. You loved the person he pretended to be; and you have experienced a real loss and betrayal. He lied and cheated. It will take time and work to grieve your loss. It’s natural to be sad and hurt for what you’ve lost.

    It is unlikely he will leave you alone as long as he thinks he can get something he wants from you – sex, money, love and attention, glee from hurting and using his victims, whatever. When I finally understood what my ex psychopath was really like and I no longer hoped he would change and be the person he said he was who loved me as he said he did, he sensed that I was no longer an available victim for him and he moved on to another victim.

    Keep taking good care of yourself and continue having no contact with him. You will feel better.

  • #40130

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Annette is spot on!!! Eventually if they know you are on to them, they will take you off if their revolving list.

  • #40131

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Can you block him on your phone or do you have children? I know it’s hard to take that step but it helps SO much!!! It took me a few break ups to finally get that. I would block, unblock, get sucked back into the same lies and manipulation but finally I saw the light. One day you WILL do whatever is possible to not let him contact you. Take the power back and you can do that by following No Contact. Nothing will ever change. You will continue going through the pain time and time again until YOU STOP IT. Again, read, read, and reach out to people. I practice telling myself I love me!!! I’m wonderful and so are you. If we weren’t wonderful, compassionate, people, they would have never chosen us as their Source. Embrace You!!! Love you!! It will get easier.

  • #40132

    jaybird
    Participant

    I broke my phone the night before New Years Eve (we were fighting over it) and I have not gotten it fixed intentionally so I would not receive the many many hurtful texts and pictures of him with other women or us or whatever. We do not have children together, thank God! Over the last year I have been breaking ties we have together. We do not live together anymore. He still finds something though. He would find a way into the house and go through my computer, my house phone, my clothes, the trash, everything over and over… I think to find that I have cheated on him, which I never have. He still comes here to check up on me. He came here twice yesterday. At least he was not enraged or violent. I hate to say it but it was a weird comfort to see him. But he only stayed briefly thank goodness! He called my house phone at 3 am but I didn’t answer. He is seeing someone else and I should be cheering but it still hurts. I hope he does the same to her so people will not think that I am crazy. I know that’s terrible to say. I just don’t want to think it was just me. I am lonely right now. I have let him isolate me from friends. He has sent them hurtful messages and I have separated myself from them so they won’t be a target. I am tired and I want to be better. I want to see him for what he really is! I miss the illusion I guess. I am still infected with that. Its so hard to understand that they cannot get better. He is also suffering from addiction which is hard to see. But he is his own person. I can’t fix him. I just have to keep reminding myself! I just keep reading. That helps

  • #40133

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Jaybird, Mine is an alcoholic and marijuana addict. You can not feel bad for his addiction. All the more reason for you to stay NC.

    I re read your posts and I applaud you for doing all these positive things like counseling, reading materials, and considering meds. I went on anti anxiety meds awhile back and they really help you see clearly or me anyways. I encourage you to talk to a doctor and get an opinion if you need anything, even short term, just until you get stronger.

    As for wondering if he treats his new “girlfriend” any better. No, No, and No. Maybe for a little while to get her on the hook but remember, we are all interchangeable. We all mean the same to these Narcs. They don’t treat anyone better or worse. We all like to think we were special because that’s part of their lure but we are not. We only serve a purpose. I was in contact with two of my N’s sources and we all had the same stories. In fact, he called us many of the same names, tried to make us think we were crazy, told us we were “special”, blah blah puke.

    Let me say something that a good friend told me and I would read her text everyday-“We can never get time back”. I thought about that so much and now I treasure every day of Happiness I have. Drama free, Peaceful, and I make everyday count.

    Keep a calendar and X off everyday of No Contact. I do that before I go to bed every night. Can you not let him in your house? Mine would knock but I just wouldn’t let him in.

    Ask yourself this as well…Are you anymore lonely than when you were with him? I felt the most lonely in my life during the periods my Narc lived with me.

    Stay NC, get some meds if need be, gets lots of sleep, eat right, and do nice things for yourself. Reconnect with your friends. Mine also isolated me from my friends. I had to reconnect each time. Do it though. Stay Busy!! I PROMISE you, things will get better as long as you keep on the plan. If you fall off, you go right back to the beginning.

    Keep Reading! When I kicked mine out, I seriously read for days. It’s what finally made me understand that these people with Personality Disorders will NEVER change. They CAN NOT!! Once you really get that, it gets easier.

  • #40134

    jaybird
    Participant

    I was lonely when I was with him. I feel more free when not with him. I feel a peace sometimes.
    And other times like now, I just hate him. I hate that it is so easy for him to move on to the next victim. I don’t know why I let it get to me like it does. I wish someone could deconstruct what I have going on in my head. Part of me wants so bad to tell “her” who he really is and what he has done but I know from experience he has already prepped her for that telling her I am his crazy ex and how I mistreated him.
    I don’t want him back. I know what that will bring, more of the same. He is full of promises that he never follows through on and pain and punishment. Living with anxiety all the time. Walking on eggshells. Afraid of what I was going to accidentally do that was going to throw things into chaos again. And it was always all my fault. Even today in an email he brings up something that happened 5 years ago. I deprived him of time – 4 Sundays a month when I would babysit my grandson on Sunday mornings while my daughter worked. I did this for 6 months. He had the other 28 days a month but it was those 4 days. He cries to other women about how I’ve deprived him. Then he comes crying back to me. That gets me! He makes it sound so terrible.
    I hate that it is so easy for him to move on and that he tells other women stories about me to make them feel sorry for him so he can hook them too!!

  • #40135

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Jaybird,

    What you describe is pretty typical of the disordered. Exploiters prey on women who are lonely or having health challenges or the like, because we are vulnerable.

    Blaming you for everything and twisting reality to make something your fault is what he does. It has nothing to do with you. He would blame and accuse and twist reality no matter what you do, if you were perfect. It’s an abuser’s technique for controlling his victim and to divert the focus away from the awful things he really does do.

    It looks like he’s ‘moving on’ quickly, but he never bonded with anyone in the first place. (My ex psychopath said he never bonded with his mother.) They are never engaged and committed to a relationship and to another person; it’s all a game.

    It is incredibly painful to be the victim of the smear campaign these spaths wage after they discard us. It hurt me a lot, and it took me a long time to stop caring who thinks what about me. My relationships with my true friends, those who really matter to me, were not affected by anything the psychopath tried to do and say. They had known me too long and too well.

    It is normal to feel like describe you’re feeling. You are human and you are experiencing normal emotions to having been mistreated, exploited and betrayed. You take your ability to love and your ability to bond and your compassion and all your wonderful attributes and talents with you where ever you go. You will give someone who loves and appreciates you all the good things you have to offer.

  • #40136

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Annette you are so spot on with that! Thank you! It amazes me how I learn everyday!

    I never thought of my spath’s other victims and myself, what we all have in common, is we all have some health issue. I admitted early on that I took meds for anxiety. Boy!! I bet that was music to his ears! One of his other victims has diabetes and the other one suffers from scoliosis. He would, in his degradation periods, call me handicapped and crazy. That makes sense they pick on the vulnerable. Creeps!!

  • #40137

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Corcorangirl, I was a widowed single mom with chronic Lyme disease. I also had a little bit of financial security, though – not well to do, but I owned my tiny house. It’s my understanding that they often target women with some degree of financial security.

  • #40138

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Annette

    Yeessss!!!! I’m not wealthy by any means but I know mine kept coming back because I had a home, not living paycheck to paycheck, etc. He owes me so much money he promised to pay me back, it’s ridiculous. Looking back, this was his line “Can I get a small loan until Payday?”. Well….Payday came and went and once again, I would be the villain for asking him for the money I borrowed him. ALWAYS had excuse after excuse but I kept feeding this parasite!! Never again.

    I was thinking last night how I am actually grateful that this happened to me because now I know, it will never happen again. Better now, while I am younger and stronger, than later in life, when I would’ve been even MORE vulnerable. Day 11 of NC and not one inch of desire to reach out!! Phew!!! One day at a time!!

  • #40139

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Corcorangirl, It sounds like you are thinking clearly and have a good understanding. Congratulations on 11 days! I am older, in my late 40’s when the psychopath targeted me. I had no idea what abuse was before that. I’d been married to and widowed from a really good man. It took me forever to leave the disordered relationship.

  • #40140

    jaybird
    Participant

    Thank you for responding. It helps me. I’m afraid to talk to people about my situation.

    I don’t have a medical condition but I have a good job and a nice home. When he moved in with me, I didn’t realize his poor financial situation. He had his own business but hadn’t filed taxes in 7 years! When I finally found this out, I helped him, strike that, I filed his back taxes and help him get his situation straightened out. We started a business which I ended up loosing a bunch of money. He ran that business but he says that because of my daughter having a baby is why it failed.

    I still paid our living expenses through all this. A few years ago he started another business with another investor. I helped set up the business and did the books. He hired someone else to run the business, thank goodness, or it would have failed as well. This business is doing pretty good. He doesn’t really work at all now, just parties, gambles, and pursues women. He has the money to do that now.

    As for me, he just want’s to make sure I don’t get too much money because I will give it to my “spoiled” adult kids. I’m still involved in the business only because I have a license the business needs. I’ve separated myself from everything else.

    I really do appreciate those who have responded. I have some bad days and it helps to know I am not alone and am not going crazy! Thank you!

    This is my first experience with a forum. I heard that it would help and it does. I might need this for a little while. I’ve not really gone “no contact”. I have maybe for a few days at a time. Getting rid of the cell phone and facebook has helped a lot. I’ve got to do more!

  • #40141

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    I’ve known several exploiters who were after money- a male and a female. They do exist.

  • #40150

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Jaybird,
    You’re not crazy – your ex is disordered. It’s likely that the more you get away from him and out from his spell of influence, your understanding will get even clearer and clearer. It is likely that he is doing things to keep you under his control.

    It took me forever to go completely no contact. When I finally did, I wished I’d done it sooner. You’ll know when the time is right for you to break off contact completely. You might consider beginning to take the steps needed for you to remove yourself from the business. Maybe give notice that you will be leaving so they can find someone else with the necessary license. Consider that any connection with a spath is potentially harmful to you. He does not care about your well being, so any situation that he can throw you and your license to the wolves to save himself, he will. Spaths are often vindictive and harm their victims to punish them for getting away. I eventually learned that nothing, including murder, is out of the realm of possibility of my ex psychopath. When someone does not have the restraint of conscience and of caring how others feel, there is nothing to stop them from any behavior if they think it will get them what they want and if they think they won’t get caught. I know that my ex may not have murdered anyone, but also that he may have if it ever suited his purpose at the time.

    Going no contact is very very difficult at times, and most people have had several setbacks before being successful at it. If one can get over the hump – the point where one is faced with the grief and the loss, and get through it, then it gets easier and one recovers faster. For me, as long as there was any contact, I did not fully recover. Like a low grade infection that never gets totally eradicated, that has the potential to go full blown any time.

  • #40153

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    AnnettePK

    You could not have described that any better. It took me three times before I did the no contact completely but today, as I was driving in my car, I thought of you jaybird, and your day will come. I was thinking how grateful I was to be able to come home, not walk on eggshells, know that I am not crazy, and finally have peace.

    it is so very difficult to do the no contact and even still this time, at times, I wanted to text him and just tell him what an awful person he is, not only to me but to all of his other victims, his two children, and to his mother and his family, but I don’t even want to waste one second of my precious time because I finally get that he doesn’t care. They do not care who they hurt, the children that they show shallow emotions to if any, or the people they use.

    I agree with Annette completely and that you should start making arrangements to disassociate yourself in all ways. If you have contact with him in any way, it will slow your progress down. I think the other times I tried to do no contact part of me kept thinking that maybe I would get some of my losses back. This time, I could care less. In fact, I’m a utilitarianist and better me, who can handle a little loss of money then some other poor victim who truly may not have had the money to dish out.

    I know nighttime is the worst time or it is for me anyway, to want to text or reach out to these creeps but I find sometimes if I just hop in my car and go for a little drive, go get a Starbucks or something it settles down.

    One day at a time and remember to celebrate every day that you do have no contact.

  • #40155

    cindyds
    Participant

    Hi jaybird,
    This is going to be a long one so I appreciate those who read !! This is an update on me and my advice to you.

    To be honest leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s been 4 months now and I still struggle with my emotions and thoughts about the situation. I knew if I didn’t leave he was never going to basically they will stick around and mistreat you as much as you let them. You HAVE TO let go for your own sanity and health reasons, they aren’t hurting the way we are because they can’t feel like we do. I have a good support system and I just tell myself that he’s the one who lost someone who truly loved him narcissists/sociopaths cannot love they will go on re-creating the same situation with their next victim.

    I know this truth first hand he kept reaching out to me since I left him. This has been going on since November he will be quiet for a while I will hear nothing then he will pop up out of no where. Last time was the end of January he messaged me on Facebook telling me how much he misses me. Funny thing is he’s still with the same girl his friends “baby mother” and I’ve known her since high school. The friend of his ended up finding out and he had no clue either. But since I know this girl is a cheater just like him I know it won’t last. But what I can say is I know first hand that he did not change with her and he isn’t happy, he sent me messages telling me he wasn’t happy and trying to drag me back in. So I screen shotted the messages and sent them to her, (which was a nice deed considering she knew he was with me when he was cheating on me with her) but you know what dawned upon me ? He’s still the SAME. He still messages girls constantly and I know for a fact that he is cheating on her. From those messages I know these things – 1. He isn’t happy 2. He didn’t change for her 3. His victim game is just continuing 4. He just wanted a reaction from me.

    Now as for no contact I did not contact him for 3 months until he messaged me in January. I ended it and it ended badly between him and I. I can’t lie I was curious about him and how he was but I knew he was just playing the games he always plays by contacting me, the only reason he kept going on was because I was COMPLETELY ignoring him. They CANNOT handle being ignored it is the biggest blow to their ego and whatever little self esteem they have. When I did answer I knew I was strong enough not to let him and his games get to me. I didn’t say I missed him back and I said don’t you have a girlfriend ? He didn’t answer that question. That right there tells me everything I needed to know. Not only did I learn what he did behind my back but what he continues to do to every other woman.. it is flat out sad. No contact is meant for you so YOU can heal it has nothing to do with him. They will go on for as long as you let them. Ignoring your narcissist jaybird will show him that you are strong and sticking to your guns and that his games no longer work on you. You need to walk away, for yourself. I know it hurts to hear but please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on someone who just treats life and everyone in it like a game.

    He managed to get his first “baby mother” (hate that term) pregnant while being with me and cheated on me with many people. He was never going to change. So for your situation you need to accept the same and know that you deserve SO much better. I read a lot of articles on narcissists and any information I can find which helped me to understand what I went through ! I also try to stay off of social media as much as I can and I focus on work and anything to keep me busy. I did have to go on anxiety meds after the breakup because I became severely depressed but those have helped me so much. I have learned my worth and value and I will never let someone do that to me again. It is not your fault so PLEASE remember that. You are good enough they are the ones who are not, that’s why all the shady unimaginable things they do is so hurtful they want to attain power and control and that’s how they do it. Normal people like you and I question this and we try harder instead of leaving them like we should. Please let me know how you are doing I would love to help you with any advice I can give. They are the broken ones and they just want to make everyone else feel the same way they do. But we are stronger than that, they can only bring us down for as long as we let them. That is the key to all of this, I knew in my heart one day I would have to leave him. So I finally just did it and I had to ignore him there was no other way to do it.

    Don’t give up on yourself. You may slip up and have a few issues throughout this but you will come out stronger. Read, drink tea, take care of yourself. Wear makeup, get your hair done, buy new clothes, go out with friends. All of this made me feel brand new I felt like the old me!! Do things for YOU we forget to because we’re used to breaking our backs for them. You are number one anyone else besides your children always comes second ! I have learned so much from this experience that in some weird way I know that everything happens for a reason and this is why it did, I had to learn my self worth through an awful situation but I am still working on this every single day. You need to tell yourself you are worthy of real love, that you do not have to accept or associate with anyone who harms you like that and that you can and will find someone better. I am still single but I want to be, I need time to recover and heal being lied to for years on end takes a toll on anybody, to regain trust in people is going to be hard but you can do it ! I hope my experience is helpful to you, this was a long post but feel free to ask me anything I will always be here to help ! Wishing you the very best ! Cindyds

  • #40159

    corcorangirl
    Participant

    Cindyds

    Thank you!!! Thank you!!! What a great read!! Inspirational and Spot on, on everything!!

    THIS is exactly how I needed to start my day on NC Day #12!

    I can’t agree more on how it’s SO important to get dressed, look good, get your nails done, etc etc. When you do these things for yourself, as little as they may be, it just makes the day easier!!!!

    Keep Writing!!!

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