October 12, 2020 at 5:01 pm #64246
I met a woman 13 years my junior about a year ago, she visited my house one afternoon for a coffee and we ended up having sex. She then disappeared for 6 months and I later found out she was in a relationship, with a pedophile, when she was with me. She then had a relationship with an Ice dealer.
6 months later she came to see me one night, we had sex and over the next few months she slowly moved in her clothes. During that time she would disappear for days and not answer her phone.
Her excuses were that she lost her phone, was busy with her parents, fixing furniture and on and on.
In July the day before her birthday she disappeared for 3 weeks. I eventually got he back and her face and hands were all scratched up and she had lost a lot of weight. For the next two she lived with me and life was fantastic, Then on the same date (13th) she disappeared with no contact. At one stage when living with me she posted on her Facebook page that she was in a relationship…it wasn’t me.
I later found out from her brother that when she wasn’t living with me she lived with other men, one was another pedophile. I also found out she was a Ice addict. Everything she told me was a lie. I eventually got a message from her, 2 months later saying she is missing me and loves me. I can’t sleep thinking about her and my mind is messed up.
She was living with 2 or 3 men while living with me, using Ice, mixing with Ice dealers and pedophiles and stealing money.
October 12, 2020 at 5:51 pm #64247
Well she is obviously a very unhealthy and disordered person. And that was crystal clear right from the start when she disappeared for six months and you knew she was in relationships with other severely disordered people.
If you date this kind of person your life will be a mess and you will suffer severe consequences. You must completely stay away from people like that. There is no other way. Tell her very clearly that it’s over between you and you don’t want any further contact. Block her number and change your own number. You must go completely no contact and completely cut her out of your life forever.
Then go to counseling and try to figure out why you were attracted to a disordered drug addict in the first place. Obviously nothing good can ever come out of dating someone like that. You must take responsibility for your dating choice and figure yourself out so you never consider someone like that again. And then make healthier dating choices in the future.
October 12, 2020 at 7:48 pm #64248Donna AndersenKeymaster
skafloc – I am so sorry for your experience. The woman is certainly disordered. Unfortunately, these relationships are highly addictive — especially if you have sex. Her pattern of disappearing will also contribute to the addiction — it’s intermittent reinforcement.
Of course you know intellectually that she is bad for you — but that doesn’t make the addiction go away. You have to address it as you would any addiction — going on the wagon. When you’re trying to break an addiction to a sociopath, the way forward is No Contact.
We have lots of information about addiction on this website — type “addicted to a sociopath” into the search box at the top of the page. You might also want to check out our webinar on “EFT tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” It really can help.
October 13, 2020 at 4:40 am #64249
Thank you for the replies. Yes I was very down on myself when we met and normally I would have never met someone like her. I thought I could save her and change her life through my love for her but she is after something else.
I understand that I am in love with the ‘ideal’ person I made her into, and she was beautiful when she was with me, but she lied, cheated and took drugs when not with me and was a different person then.
I was just shell shocked because of her disappearance at the end without a text or explanation. She had expected I would be here waiting for her but I sent her a message saying I knew what she had done and is still doing.
She did message me saying that she is totally messed up in the head and no one should love her.
I am slowly getting away from her and making myself a better person so I can attract a different woman in the future, but I know it will take me some time to recover from her.
I will read the blogs and watch more videos. Thank you again 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 months ago by skafloc.
October 13, 2020 at 7:06 am #64251Donna AndersenKeymaster
skafloc – Yes, it is shocking to come to terms with what they are. You might want to tune into my video tonight – the topic is “Think about sociopaths as aliens.” It will help you to understand how different they are.
Also, she said “no one should love her.” Tomorrow I’m posting an article about, “Evil Sociopaths: When they reveal what they are, believe them.” You might find it helpful.
October 13, 2020 at 9:22 am #64252
Yes this was your crucial mistake and what you need to work on in yourself by counseling or by self help reading: “I thought I could save her and change her life through my love for her.”
This is understandable from a naive point of view BUT it’s a very immature and wrong approach to dating. You can’t save people. You can’t change people. And more importantly you should never date anyone that needs “saving” or changing. People are the way they are. And healthy adults take care of themselves and don’t need “saving” or changing.
The good news is that it’s a pretty common mistake to try to save/change people, so there is lots of knowledge online that you can read to learn from this. I know you are hurting now but you can take solace in the fact that you can grow and learn. You will be better and stronger in the future from this experience.
You might even be able to laugh at yourself after you heal. Because this is such a common mistake that immature people make in dating. So later you might look back and say to yourself, wow what was I even thinking! Because there are even jokes about this dynamic in popular culture. There is actually a crude way to say it in popular culture: “You can’t turn a h** into a housewife” and you were trying to be “Captain Save a H**.”
Many men have made this same mistake of trying to “save” the wrong woman and they failed and learned their lesson. The lesson is that people are the way they are and you can’t change or save them. Trying that is just throwing your resources (time, energy, money etc) into a black hole.
Now it was your turn to learn this lesson the hard way. But don’t worry because you will learn and grow from this. And once you are healed you will know to make better dating choices in the future.
October 14, 2020 at 9:19 pm #64256
I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this chaos & drama. This is not the woman for you. You know this. She is nothing but a tornado of destruction, not only to her life, but, everyone that get’s sucked into her tornado of destruction.
Drug addicts & alcoholics are extremely manipulative!! They will manipulate everyone to get what THEY WANT…with little regard to others.
One of the biggest fears you should have with this woman is catching a DEADLY DISEASE THAT WILL KILL YOU…or make your life a living hell.
The other major fear you should have is the fact that her drug deals could come around to your home and demand you pay them or you end up killed because of her.
YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS…that is why you researched & found your way to this amazing site Lovefraud.
ALL OF THE ANSWERS you have wanted are right here on this site!! Keep reading & venting here. It will help you to open up your mind from the manipulating, brain washing (YES!! this is what sociopaths do) and mind control (so crazy what they do).
I would recommend you buy Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath (go to the top to the LF book store) there are many books on her list & you can do a search to see if Donna has also written a book review.
When you are sad, angry, etc come here to LF and READ EVERYTHING.
Look up these here on LF & net:
gas lighting abuse
idolize, devalue & discard (this is what this woman keeps doing to you)
It is very common for a sociopath to have many on the hook just incase they are exposed. My ex also went on a “business trip” when I literally first moved in. I believe now he was with his ex gf on a vacation.
What I know for sure now after dating & marrying a sociopath…is a WISH that I would have left sooner…I wanted to…but, was broken down emotionally very quickly by him. I see this woman is doing the same to you now.
Like others have suggested get into counseling with a very educated counselor who knows about sociopathic abuse (NOT ALL COUNSELORS are educated so ask them on the phone). Also, if you don’t like a counselor on the phone or first session. Move on to another.
The biggest life lesson for all of us that got tangled up with a sociopath or disordered individual is to EDUCATE yourself like you are doing now. You were very brave to research and also very brave to post here on LF. BRAVO…these are HUGE steps in your healing.
LOOK UP HERE ON LOVEFRAUD ALSO THE NO CONTACT RULE (and the net). This is the rule you need to follow to RECLAIM YOUR LIFE and to get here out of your life for good.
IT’s not easy at first to follow the no contact rule. But, it is YOUR SAVING GRACE…YOUR LIFE PRESERVER.
you deserve so much better then what you are dealing with.
To heal research every thing here at Lovefraud & what Donna posted.
Also, I would recommend you read the books “Getting Love right” by Terrance T. Gorski (your library may have this book if not it’s worth the money to buy along with Donna’s book).
Wishing you all the best. You are stronger then you know. Take care.
October 14, 2020 at 9:26 pm #64257
Take care of your health too. The stress she has put you under no doubt is causing health issues (normal when dealign with a disordered person)…stress kills.
Some things that helped me to heal my body & mind:
Free documentary on you tube called “Super juice me you tube”
Eat to live book by Dr Joel Fuhrman (your library may have) see his you tube videos along with the you tube channels Dr Neal Barnard, Pick up limes, Plant based diet.
Right now your body is releasing large amounts of cortisol & adrenaline and this woman is also manipulation other hormone s to bond you to her…so get your body working again properly and this will help your mind & thinking process to block her from your life for good.
Look up the sites Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org look up their symptoms list most likely you are suffering from PTSD (like most victims).
(I have no affliction to any of these listed…just had to heal my body & mind too when escaping my hell)
October 14, 2020 at 9:29 pm #64258
Do you know you are in a emotional, mental, verbal, and sexual abusive relationship?
YES! Men can end up in this type of abusive relationship without realizing it.
Look up on the net: Men that are in abusive relationships. Look for list of traits.
Look up the National Domestic abuse hotline website & read what is abuse.
October 16, 2020 at 3:55 pm #64271
Thank you. I have been reading the articles/posts and watching the videos and they have made a difference.
Bizarrely, although I know what she is and what she has done, and continues to do, I find myself missing her but I have had no contact and will keep on doing this. I keep a log and mark off each day as a goal.
Yes I think I do have PTSD, I had been through a few things over the last 7 years. I was a banker operating a commercial lending office but left due to health issues, had heart attacks and strokes (died), couldn’t work and was close to being homeless, eventually I got a low paying job and after 2 years I was getting back to where I felt I could move onto a higher paying job and change my life…then I met her, Cat, I had thought I was blessed initially but then another story started.
I am 62 years old, 5’11” and weighed around 198 pounds on the 12th August 2020 but after she disappeared on the 13th of August I have been concentrating on eating healthy, exercising, meditating and now weigh 172 pounds. I have had tests and have no STI’s or HIV, thankfully!
My body is reaching my goal but my mind still lingers on her. At work I have been approached to consider starting a new role meaning I will be paid another $25k pa with a car and be able to work out of this meth riddled town and stay overnight with my parents.
I have been talking to a couple of women, as friends so far, and talking about things help me put them into perspective, I get to see how stupid I’ve been. In June 2020 she disappeared for a week, on her return her Facebook page showed she was in a Civil Union with someone. When I questioned her about it she cried and carried on saying she didn’t do it so I let her get away with it but I should have kicked her out then. Anyway I ignored dozens of red flags because I was flattered that a young women wanted to have sex with me (and anyone else that asked so I found out)
I am slowly getting there. On Tuesday I received a text saying she was thinking of me with kisses, followed up with that she was living on a farm a distance away (to escape something) with a younger guy, that she was depressed and couldn’t work and is struggling (she doesn’t know that I know she lost her job soon after leaving me – because she didn’t go in after meth binges) and not to worry about her – so I deleted it and didn’t answer. I can’t change my phone number because of work.
Again, thank you for all of your advice, I appreciate it greatly.
October 16, 2020 at 9:29 pm #64276
Skafloc, you’re welcome. This site is amazing that Donna & Terry have created. I can’t imagine where I would be without being able to vent & ask questions. Not to feel alone & understood because most friends & family will just say “get over it & move on” but it’s not that easy. With a sociopath the relationships are far from normal & the break ups are hellish…when you think that you are the only one enduring hell you (all of us) find this wonderful site that helps guide you & lift you up.
You were NOT stupid..you were just not educated & a nice person. She knows how to con people…she has been conning men since long before you…and guess what she is doing with her latest target = conning him.
Great job on getting in shape. I would highly recommend you get a vitamin & mineral defiency test. It is estimated in the US alone that 1 in 3 adults are vitamin deficient in B complex, D and Magnesium. Best to get tested. After I escaped my ex h (a sociopath) I was lucky enough to have a friend guide me to a endocrinologist doctor (deals with the adrenal glands) and was tested. ALL of my levels were below normal range. Once I started high levels of B, D & magnesium plus progesterone Rx pills my anxiety & racing mind (which is very normal for a victim of a sociopath) calmed down.
You will get thru all of this…for addiction doctors recommend that you pick up a hobby this way it keeps your mind off of them and on your new hobby. I would recommend this. You will be surprised how it really does help break the think of the sociopath pattern.
One day at a time…some days just one hour or minute at a time.
October 16, 2020 at 9:38 pm #64277
ps Skafloc, Great job on following the No contact rule. She is baiting you!! She is trying to keep you in her hook so that if this new victim catches on (which he will eventually) she has a place to stay & money with you.
When you start thinking about her…get a piece of paper out & write down all the destructive things she did to you…all the manipulation, lies & cunningness. This will keep your mind clear on the truth. It’s easy for our brains to venture back to what we thought were “good times” with the sociopath. But in reality there were NO GOOD TIMES with the sociopath…these sociopaths are so manipulative the con us to believe their were good times.
Look up here on Lovefraud:
Pity play manipulation
Gas lighting abuse
Sociopath smear campaign (this is what she is doing now in that email with the current target & she is lying to him about you right now so that you guys will hate each other and never talk & compare notes…this is what all sociopaths do)
Sociopath triangulation (this is also part of the Sociopath’s smear campaign to control everyone)
Idolize, devalue, discard (do a search on those words together) this is what all sociopaths do…the switch the game from loving you to devaluing to control your mind & then they discard you so that they have control over the break up & then can return later on).
(do a search on these words also on the net. The more you educate yourself the more you will see her for what she is = a con artist = and you will always follow the no contact rule.).
Keep in mind you will never get closure with a sociopath by talking to them…as they will just lie, lie, lie and manipulate you until you bang your head on the wall over & over. They do not think like normal people.
Your closure is educating yourself & following the No contact rule for the rest of your life. It’s not easy at first. But, the more you read here at Lovefraud, vent & ask questions the more distance you get from her & see the truth.
October 17, 2020 at 1:46 pm #64302
Jan7 yes this is an excellent point and I fully agree:
“Keep in mind you will never get closure with a sociopath by talking to them…as they will just lie, lie, lie and manipulate you until you bang your head on the wall over & over. They do not think like normal people.Your closure is educating yourself & following the No contact rule for the rest of your life.”
During my divorce I also tried to get closure from my ex like with a normal person ending a normal relationship. But this has zero chance because all they do is lie and manipulate you and further confuse you. So instead of understanding and closure and peace you get only confusion and manipulation and abuse.
For a while I thought I would never get closure or a full understanding. That I just had to accept that some things are beyond understanding and that I would never fully know what happened and that my only option was just to leave it as something unintelligible and move on.
But I could not accept that intellectually so I started a big research project online into sociopathy and antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder etc. And that gave me so much relief because suddenly everything fell into place and the puzzle came together.
And now (many years later) I have closure as to his personality and his actions because I fully understand him now. I understand his motivations and the way his personality works. And I recognize that personality in certain other people as well.
And that closure and understanding came from my own research project. Nothing came from my conversations with him, other than lies and manipulation and confusion. Whereas with a normal person ending a normal relationship you’d be able to get closure or understanding from talking with them, with a sociopath that is just not possible.
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