How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Celebrating 1 month no contact
May 4, 2018 at 9:49 am #45345
It should have been 2 months, but I did send my ex SP a happy Easter txt (and got a barrage of abuse in return). But today is truly one month completed.
Almost 4 months since start of grey rocking, 3 months since I’ve seen last seen him. 2 months since he sent me his discard email (which was a relief for me, whilst it said a lot of hurtful and untrue things and accused me of being a psycho/natcissist, I did not have to tell him why I was ending things with him. I did not want to tell him I hired a PI and knew all about his double life and another family).
Whilst it was and sometimes still hard (we are addicted to them, aren’t we?), it is getting easier.
It’s important to celebrate small successes. Like 30 days no contact. It would very easy to break. But it is better to move forward.
It could have been so much worse to keep silent and continue that relationship, hoping it would change. Or confront him (and look like a deranged psycho). It is much harder to move forward day by day, in small steps.
Some days I cry when I hear a sad love song on the radio. But it’s ok. For me that love was real. I have every right to grieve. And I have done. When people ask me why I am sad I tell them I lost someone I loved. It is true, someone I loved has never existed.
Freedom rituals are important. Like deleting our photos.
I found it is easier to think of him as if he died. He is in another city so we are not likely to meet.
My boy is fine and does not seem to miss the guy (and I let that relationship run an extra 12-18 months, as I thought it was better for my son if I was in a relationship).
My self respect is intact. I do not have to put up with being the other woman.
I have good friends and making new ones. I am enjoying small rituals on my own, and becoming mindful of the beauty around us we often forget. Like the colour of the sky on a nice day.
I have a gorgeous son and supportive parents.
So my is a very lucky escape story.
I did not have much abuse as I did not let him move in with me (and commit bigamy), so devalue phase was just starting.
And yet (and this is why these men are so toxic), it is very hard not to want to contact them. Because it was so intense, our brain is wired to seek that connection, despite all the trauma and lies.
The only way is
To continue No Contact
Day after day after day
Then I hope it will get easier
A friend wanted to set me up on an online dating site – I almost threw up at the thought. Listen to my gut – no online dating.
Much better try and make connections with real people.
When the time is right.
Which is not yet
May 5, 2018 at 9:08 am #45350
Congratulations thirdtimelucky! I am happy for you and this is a huge success. It is so tempting to break no contact but then the realization sweeps in that the monster used us like they use everyone. We deserve so much better. I know how you feel about the online dating. That’s where I met my sp too. Im not going back anytime soon. Wishing you continued success:)
May 5, 2018 at 10:29 am #45351
thirdtimelucky- wonderful news!! keep it up.
May 5, 2018 at 6:11 pm #45353
??CONGRATULATIONS ON ONE MONTH NO CONTACT!!!!??
Yes, Thirdtimelucky, you are so right in celebrating small milestones, because when you look back in a year from now, you will realize those small milestones are HUGE milestones!!
You hon, escaped a sociopath’s grips!! This is HUGE!!
I promise you this, one day, you will just stop thinking about him…it just happens…and that is the day that you will see him for fully who he is and be so proud of yourself for surviving a nightmare.
(thank you for posting your update)
May 6, 2018 at 9:29 am #45354
Thank you Jan7 and all other forum members for your comments and support! If it was not for this online community, my recovery journey would have been a lot longer and harder.
No contact is not easy, I wanted (and on occasion still do want) to tell him that I know who he really is, the person behind that well constructed mask and stories.
It is in my power to do so
But it is also in my power to say nothing, to rise above and focus on myself. No contact is not a “rule”. It has become my choice (difficult at time) – to stay silent, dignified. I am powerful and in control of No Contact. I owe no one an explanation (when people are asking about him, depending on my level of trust in them, I say something like “we mutually decided to part as moving to my town was not a viable option”. Only the closest friends know what has happened.
Once I started to look at No Contact as my choice – it is much easier.
Yes, I can response and contact my ex. But I also can choose to do nothing.
No Contact is my power.
PS: I have been using low contact or “reduced contact” with some toxic individuals in my life, like people I used to be friends with 20 years ago and out of loyalty kept them as friends. Now I realise how many of them are or were jealous of me. So I am sharing information about my life very selectively now. I really value my privacy. The gift of trust is reserved for a very special few who have proved their trustworthiness.
It’s not to be given away to all and sundry, this is how I attracted SP in the first place. Early trust. Then “good girls stick around”.
From now on its the other way around. Prove yourself to me first.
May 6, 2018 at 5:54 pm #45355
again. wonderful news!!
May 6, 2018 at 10:32 pm #45357
Hi THirdtimelucky, you’re so welcome!! ? I’m so happy that you are in a great mindset place now.
“rise above and focus on myself”…this is a POWERFUL statement!! ?
You slam the door shut on him with this statement!!!
My therapist told me, when I first left my ex, that I would see some friends differently, when I first learned of my ex h’s sociopath traits in counseling.
With education on narcissist & sociopathy behavior, you do start to see the world differently & you see those around you more clearly. Some people that I have know for years, I realize now they have some strong traits of narcissism. You know that they can be selfish at times, but you just try to get along with everyone (that’s what we are taught..right??). But being educated, yes, you choice how you want them in your life = low contact. Maybe just see them at a holiday party or summer bbq party from time to time but not invest in a close relationship with them, because they will never know how to have that kind of close friendship.
You are in a great place now = requiring people to “prove yourself to me first” attitude. When you first end the relationship or get discard you feel lost…you feel like no one will love you because the sociopath has broken down your self esteem & made you dependent on them…..but with time away from the abuser & education, you build your self esteem back up & strength to a point you are happy with your own company…and when you get to that point, you can make healthy choices, as to who you want in your life to have peace,calmness & happiness life.
You should be so proud of yourself for, hiring a PI, seeking counseling, searching the internet for info (leading you to Lovefraud, Posting on LF, educating yourself, returning his car, moving, protecting your son & you & analysis everything you have learned with not only the sociopath but with other current relationships or future relationships. This is it. All the tears & heartache to learn the truth, educating yourself & now you are using everything that you have learned & applying it to real life relationships. POWERFUL!! It shows you have a very healthy brain!!
Yes, only your most trusted friends should know about this horrific relationship. I remember when I first left my ex h & told my closest friend about the abuse and she gave me the wise words = be picky who you tell this story to because some people will use it against you. Meaning they might think that I am weak & abuse me. She is right you need to beware in this world, someone might seem to have your back but really only want info from you to stab you in the back.
There is a good series on Dr Phil’s book Life Code on you tube (an Oprah interview) he too made a point to only open up to most trusted friends. This series on you tube is worth your time to watch. It does not name the terms narcissist or sociopath but that is exactly who he is describing in his book.
Wishing you & your son all the best!!! ???
So happy that you are in a great mindset place now!! ????
May 8, 2018 at 10:17 am #45374
Thirdtimelucky – good for you! It will get better and better.
May 9, 2018 at 10:26 pm #45407
30 days no contact today. This is about my 6th time leaving the narc. He always came back and I never understood completely what was that oh so awful feeling in my gut. I have been trying to figure it out the pervious six months. The shock of it all. I am getting out of bed every day and going to work but sometimes my mind over runs with the bullshit of these a holes. I have my struggles every day but I am so committed to this time. Just so happy I found your site. Read WLIAL. Saved me for sure. I just need somewhere that people understand. Happy to be here! Thank you!
May 10, 2018 at 12:24 am #45408
darmot56 you might post as a topic so you can get feedback.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.