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Now that i am getting a divorce and have been doing no contact. How do i explain these things to my kids? I mean im sure its hard to explain a normal divorce to children but an narcissist? Do i let them know their dad may or may not come and see them, take them for a day or weekend? I see so many things online but nothing about children and how to talk to them. How about boundaries? Do i tell them they need to set them with their dad? My husband wasnt a good dad and my youngest daughter who is 5 only started asking about him 2 weeks after he had been gone. She hasnt cried for him amd only stated 2 times that she misses him. It doesnt seem to bother them, to much right now. The older ones understand what is going on and i explained a Protection Order to them. So as of right now no one has had contact with him. But what about when the No contact is lifted for the kids and he doesnt call them or come see them??? Im completely lost on how to handle this.
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Hi struggletobefree –
I think that I am in a good position to answer your question because of my own childhood. My parents were divorced before I even remember details, but later my mother suddenly disappeared because of drugs. No one said a thing to me about it until much later. By that time she would show up now and again and that was the most difficult part for me. It would have been easier if she either left totally or stayed. So that is why I feel that I can give advice to you. I remember being very understanding and your youngest is already 5 so can understand a lot. I would definitely talk to each child separately so you could explain things according to their level. I would tell them that their dad was having problems and that it was like having a sickness only not in his body – more like in his thinking or in his feeling ( however you want to put it ). Explain that they are wonderful children and that how he acts has nothing to do with them, it is just that he is unwell. Tell them how much that you love them, and that if ever they want to talk to you about their dad to be sure and come to you. – well, that is my suggestion. You may want to alter some details etc, but I do believe in communication.
Blessings -
Hi struggletobefree ( again ) – I wanted to add that you can deal with the issue of if and when he actually makes some kind of arrangement to see them. That sounds like a ways down the line, and you don’t know at this point if he will even want to contact them. So I would not bring up the topic at all when you are having your conversation with your children, unless they specifically ask. If they do you can just be honest and tell them that you do not know what will happen or when or if he will get better. But that you will be there for them no matter what.
Blessings -
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Hi Struggle, you might want to check with your local health department to see if they have a free program for children that have a parent who suffers from drug addiction. Or any community drug free program charity in your area.
Also, your local library most likely has books on the subject of how to explain to your children.
I think the most important thing for children is to know that they are in a safe place & that at least one of their parents will protect them & guide them in this crazy world. Taking to your kids is key. especially now.
As for you going thru your divorce. Do a search on LF for Tina Swiften and her book One moms battle. it will help you to see what court is going to be like (not fun) when dealing with your ex.
Dear Polestar, your post made me so sad. Im sorry that you had such a difficult childhood. glad you understand the hell that you endured and healing now. Sending you hugs!! 💜
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Thank you struggletobefree and Jan7 for your kind and healing words regarding my childhood. What you said really did touch my heart and that surprised me because it was something that I thought was long gone. So it was sweet to have some love and light sent to my inner child. Thank you !
Struggletobefree – It is wonderful that you have been handling the situation so perfectly. The only thing that I would like to add is to say that all the healing work that you are doing to raise yourself out of your past relationship, will also help your children. They will be looking towards you for direction about how to navigate their own emotional world, and when they see you doing many positive things and having a positive attitude they will follow suit. It will also give them a template for when they become adults to know how to extricate themselves from negative situations. As adults, we all are faced with challenges and the important thing is how we respond and stand up to them. Sorry for sermonizing ! I love philosophizing because it is what I do even for myself.
Blessings
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