How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Confused and looking for answers
April 7, 2021 at 8:44 am #65571confused888Participant
I think I am in a relationship with a sociopath. I have read many books on the topic. There are all the kind, sweet and loving words but nearly no actions to support his words. I feel responsible for him. I have supported him and also helped his family. He says he can’t find work, but does nothing but sleep all day. I know he may be depressed. We have no physical relationship and our relationship consists of me supporting him emotionally and financially. He talks about the spite and rage he feels toward me. I want to leave, but each time I try, there is another crisis. I have caught him in lies. His answer when I Confront him starts with “technically” which makes me angry. I feel like I am being used for his selfish goals and I want out. I am being drained financially and emotionally. I know I need to leave him. He doesn’t have all the traits of a Narcissist or Sociopath, but there are enough that I can’t ignore them. He says he loves me, but the words are empty and hollow. I keep asking him to do the things I need in our relationship. He either can’t or won’t. I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you for being here. I know I am not alone.
April 7, 2021 at 11:39 am #65572Jan7Participant
EVERYTHING you discribed in your post is EXACTLY how I felt & how my ex h (a sociopath) treated me & behavior.
Please know that a major sign that you are in a emotional & mental abusive relationship with a disordered person is CONFUSION!!!
YOUR GUT IS SCREAMING TO YOU TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP….LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT IT IS NEVER WRONG…EVER!!
If he has some traits of a sociopath, you are dealing with a disordered person and he could very well hinding the other traits from you intentionally. KNow that All sociopaths are also NARCISSIST…but, now all narcissists are sociopaths.
The fact that he has traits makes him a disordered individual.
There are all the kind, sweet and loving words but nearly no actions to support his words.
My ex was the exact same way…this is a form of manipulation…it’s also “Gas lighting abuse’ (look this up on LF) which is a very stealth from of emotional & mental abuse to push a victim over their edge & make them feel crazy…which the victim is not crazy..it’s the disordered individual that is crazy.
I remember throughout my marraige saying the words in my head: “Actions speak louder then words”….when my ex’s words NEVER matched his actions. I had never dealt with someone like this ever before. It was exhausting & mentally draining. When I repeated “Actions speak louder then words” in my head regarding his horrible behavior…this was my mind seeing the truth…my gut knowing that he was manipulating me.
I feel responsible for him. I have supported him and also helped his family.
Sociopaths train you from day one to make you feel sorry for them & to finacially support them…it’s another form of manipulation called “PITY ME MANIPULATION” (look this up on LF & net)
it’s a con game they run. Pretty much every victim is sucked into this pity me manipultion from day one or week one. Always a sob story and then they continue this. This is why so many victims of a narcissist and/or sociopath are con out of tons of money. Or if they end up married to one…they end up in major marital debt and this keeps them stuck in the marraige.
I know he may be depressed.
More likely he is just running his con game on you. Sociopath’s are angry people..they hate good people so what you think is “depression” could easily just be controlled anger.
We have no physical relationship and our relationship consists of me supporting him emotionally and financially.
This is not a relationship…this is someone using you financially. I real relationship is not only supporting EACH OTHER…but, also loving, respectful & kind. YOu are not recieving anything for this relationship that is remostly close to loving, respectful or kind.
He is using you.
I felt the same during my marriage…that I was just his mate to keep the house & yard and got to the grocery store, cook, etc etc. When I was with him in this capactiy I felt like I was the responsible parent who worried about the bills & keeping the roof over our heads etc.
He seemed to take on the responsiblity if you can call it responsibility to just have fun in life & spend tons of money on going out to dinner…buying what ever he saw & wanted..there was no longer finacially planning with him. Not fiscal responsiblity…that was put on my shoulders. Just like this guy is doing to you.
He talks about the spite and rage he feels toward me.
HE IS TELLING YOU WHO HE IS WITH THIS STATEMENT = DANGEROUS!!!
His words are NOT normal…this is what sociopath think…they hate everyone and they have so much anger inside them towards any good person…my ex was the same towards me or any good person. I would see him manupulate everyone and knew I was being manipulated but, I did not know of they types of manipulation by text book term…but, everything this guy is doing via manipulation…HAS PSYCHOLOGICAL TEXT BOOK TERMS!! Once you start to educate yourself on the manipulation terms he is doing to you…it’s a wake up…and then you know that he will never change.
I want to leave, but each time I try, there is another crisis.
THIS IS ANOTHER RED FLAG YOU ARE DEALING WITH A SOCIOPATH….my ex did the same…they instinctively know when they have pushed their vicitms to far…then they quickly come up with a manipulative plan to keep their target victim sucked into their con game…with a new crisis that ONLY YOU CAN HELP THEM SOLVE…
Donna (loveFraud created) has posted many articles on this…and that many sociopaths have even gone so far as to FAKE CANCER or other illnesses to keep their target victims into their con game!! YES even faking cancer…crazy.
Right from the beginning these con men give a pity me manipulation story to hook you in to their con game…and then they will make you feel like you and only you ‘Can save them’.
My ex h did the same….most if not all sociopath run this con game..this is one of the reasons why we all felt “stuck in our relationship with one’. They instinctively know how to tape into our empathy & compassion to manipulate us. And it works…until you just one
day say ‘ENOUGH!!
I feel like I am being used for his selfish goals and I want out. I am being drained financially and emotionally. I know I need to leave him.
You feel like you are being “used” BECAUSE HE IS USING YOU!!
That is your gut intinct telling you “HE IS USING YOU”…you know this…you see this…
and I want out.
THIS IS ALSO YOUR GUT INSTINCT TELLING YOU TO RUN RUN RUN FROM THIS GUY!! Never weaver from your gut instinct…this is what keeps you sane & safe from danger!!
Ever notice if you walk up to a flock of birds they fly away..they dont typically stick around to see if you are a safe or not…nope they fly away = their gut instinct to keep them safe.
Look up the you tube video “Oprah Gavin debecker interview’…this will remind you that you need to listen to your gut instincts. Gavin Debecker is the author of “Gift of Fear”…do a search here on lovefraud for Donna’s book review…and also look up on amazon & read the book reviews. I feel This is a must read book for every women on this planet. your local library may have this book so check to see if they have it.
He doesn’t have all the traits of a Narcissist or Sociopath, but there are enough that I can’t ignore them.
The only thing you really need to focus on right now is the fact HE DOES NOT TREAT YOU WITH LOVE, KINDNESS & RESPECT…you are just a means for him to have a roof over his head & money.
This is not a loving relationship…this is a man that IS USING YOU….so for right now dont feel like he has to have “all the traits of a narcissist or sociopath narcissist”…just focus on the fact he is never going to change & your GUT INSTINCT IS SCREAMING TO YOU TO GET OUT ASAP”
DO YOU KNOW THAT THE BULK OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IS EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, VERBAL FINACIAL ABUSE?</blockquote
YES…this is the bulk of domestic abuse…typically physical abase does not occur until the target victim is about to leave or has just left…this is the most dangerous type for a victim.
so please look up your countries National Domestic violence hotline website for more info on what is abuse. Also, on their site look up “Domestic abuse exit & safety plan’…then call their free hotline to talk with a free counselor about this exit and safety plan.
Tell trusted family &friends what is really going on with your relationship &when you are ready have them help you move.
MY MAJOR REGRET..was not leaving sooner. Keep educating yourself here at lovefraud. Look up at the LOvefraud Bookstore up at the top..and look on the LF honme page for how to leave..and know that Donna has a phone sessions where you can speak with her for a small fee.
Keep reading everything here on lovefraud, this site has all your answers…keep asking questions here & vent too. this is part of the healing process.
PLEASE ALSO KNOW that it is extremely common for a victim of emotional & mental abuse to feel lonely…another RED FLAG you are in a abusive relationship.
But, know you are not alone…reach out to your most trusted friends & family…make connections with them again daily…and keep coming here to LOvefraud & post & read.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…WE HERE YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!💜💜💜
TAKE CARE. 💜💜💜
- This reply was modified 5 days, 11 hours ago by Jan7.
April 8, 2021 at 12:57 am #65574confused888Participant
Thank you so much. I am crying as I read your response. Thank you for your kind words and for helping me see the reality of the situation. For so long, I haven’t been sure of what is real and what is not. Here is what I know: I care about his family, but I know they are not my responsibility and he is not my responsibility. I don’t trust anything h tells me. When I look at the facts and not what he tells me, I think it’s all a lie. I think there may be some truth, but mostly lies. His friends are now asking me for money. I have told them all no. When I tell him no, for whatever reason, he gets furious and does what he wants. I know that there are too many unanswered questions and when I do ask questions, his response is anger and accusations that I don’t trust him. I guess he’s right. I don’t trust him. I know I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust. I know I a, tired of working extra hours to pay for everything while he sleeps all day and does nothing else. I keep asking for what I want in the relationship and there’s always a reason why he can’t do it. It was my birthday last week and the day came and went without a word from him. When I finally said something, his answer was, “You hate me, don’t you?” I thought, what a narcissistic asshole! I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t want to anymore. I.m just tired of thinking 5hings are going to get better. I’m tired of waiting for his promises that never happen. I know I am rambling, but it feels good to finally say what I have been thinking. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. I know this will be a process, but I feel like I.m finally getting angry enough and strong enough to leave the relationship for good. Thank you for the resources. I have been reading a lot lately. Have you heard of the book, “The Toxic Man” by Lillian Glass? It’s fantastic and it has great tools; practical tools. I want my life back and I don’t want it to include him.
April 8, 2021 at 4:32 am #65575sept4Participant
Hi confused, I’m so sorry for your situation.
He is just using you. He does not love you. He lies to you.
You have to leave him. If you’re not married and don’t have kids with him and don’t have joint financial obligations then you are very lucky. Break up and cut ties with him and get this user and his friends out of your life.
Wishing you strength and resolve. You can do this. You will be so much better ofc without this user.
April 8, 2021 at 1:55 pm #65577Donna AndersenKeymaster
Confused888 – Jan has given you excellent feedback. What you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. Some of them – like the one you are involved with – are parasites. He will keep draining you as long as you allow it.
You need to make the decision to get rid of him. You can’t “ask” him to change or stop exploiting you – it’s impossible.
You know in your heart what you must do. I’m hoping the encouragement you received here will help you.
April 9, 2021 at 12:13 pm #65586Jan7Participant
Hi Confused…let those tears out hon…you have been enduring so much with this guy..and have been stuffing your emotions down just to function daily. It’s so incredibly stressful to deal with someone that is disordered. It takes a toll on your mind, body & spirit.
So, look after your health now..put yourself #1…he is an adult, his family are adults…they will survive with out you. But, you can not survive with them sucking the life out of you daily.
It’s very very important that you DO NOT TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND HE IS DISORDERED FOR YOUR SAFETLY!!
So, bit your tongue and do not engage in a argument with him what so ever. Remember the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she is about to leave or has just left,
Get help with an exit plan out of this abusive relationship with your countries National domestic hotline…and go to your local abuse center for free counseling…this really is a huge step in healing & safety. they will not talk about disorders…so, LOvefraud is your best support site for the Why did he do this? or that?
If he is living in your home…then make a plan to get him out…this might not be as easy as it sounds. Lots of times these parasites will start Love bombing (do a search here on LF) tactics to suck their target victim back into their con game…if that does not work…then he might get angry & try intimidation…dont take his bait..he wants you to fight to stress & wear you out. If that does not work he might get friends or family involved to say “he is sorry”…all these type tactics are PART OF HIS CON GAME…BEWARE!!
They also, attempt to boomerang back into a past targts life…maybe a week, month or years later.
Do a search here on LOVEFRAUD for;
Pity me manipulation
Gas lighting abuse
You are going to survive this chapter in your life…and YOU ARE GOING TO THRIVE AGAIN…it’s not easy to leave a sociopath…it’s a nightmare..
the healing is not easily…lots of stress & anxiety hormones rise during the relationship but ALSO after you leave. SO get your health in order…take a multi vitamin…clean up your diet etc.
Sending you huge hugs!!💜💜💜
April 12, 2021 at 10:54 am #65634texansurvivorParticipant
I said several months prior to my breakup, I feel like he’s a parasite. He is draining me physically, financially and spiritually. And what the heck is he offering me?? Why is is my job to care for a 40 year old man? While I work my butt off and save every penny, he’s buying every item top of the line.
My ex most definitely used the pity ploy. Time and time again. It’s how h hooked me initially and then throughout, he was always in some major crisis. Stranded with no gas and no money for gas (multiple times) car towed for illegal parking or a car loan (multiple times) eviction notices (several times). And I always came running because I thought my love and support (and money) would help him stand on his own two feet. Only when he did have the money, he didn’t look toward me. I was still the bad guy and he still wasn’t paying me back.
I left him back in 2018. He hoovered and hoovered and I came back four months later. He said, yeah your love really does have a limit. Nos I have to keep my problems and financial issues to myself because your love is conditional. He knew I couldn’t stand hearing this.
I wish I had left him a long, long time ago. But alas, God has a plan and I’m glad I’m away now.
Anyway, you’re going to get through this. You’re strong, smart and hardworking- that’s why he’s latched on to you. He’s a leech sucking the life, health, Joy and money out of you. You’re going to live a much better life without him with love and support from others. It’s coming! Believe in yourself and what you feel- it’s true.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.