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Coparenting-How do I set boundaries, while also having no contact?

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Jan7 4 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #39536

    mariahll
    Participant

    I feel like after 10 years in, I might get better at this, but I’m more confused than ever. I coparent with my ex sociopath, who served 4 years in federal prison for fraud. We have two children and I have sole custody currently. I managed to entice him with no support as long as there wasn’t a court order. I was hoping this would avoid the usual living in the courthouse, defending any and every detail of an order, in which my ex could manipulate, lie, and falsely accuse me of things I didn’t do. I communicated through his brother mostly about visits with kids, to avoid direct contact. I have read that going no contact is the very best for recovery. I tried no contact for myself to have time to heal. while there weren’t too many visits he was interested in taking with our children previously, I have recently noticed he will go to extreme lengths to get a response from me, even wanting to change custody. The kids are really feeling the stress with all of the mind games, because my no contact has fueled him more and it has taken emotional manipulation to a whole new level with our children. I want to protect them but I am starting to panic on what path will give them the least heartache. The panic also comes from that dreaded courtroom, where its a crapshoot on the one size fits all, oh and the endless looking over my shoulder for the next crazy plot he is coming up with to destroy me. Other articles I read on sociopaths talk about setting firm boundaries with them…does this help?? This is where my confusion is. I want to establish that firm boundary, especially with the recent intensity of stalking and using the kids. Im just not sure how I can affirm boundaries while practicing no contact. He feeds off of any emotion and setting a firm boundary just gives him the target to hit. How do I navigate both? Inevitably court might be in the near future because even though he has had no interest in seeing the kids, the sentiment changed after I went no contact. I feel stuck trying to figure out the best approach right now. Any suggestions??

  • #40245

    Synergy
    Participant

    Quick message. Get a case manager, if you can. These folks are extremely knowledgable, but are not lawyers or legal things

    Second, beware! He might kidnap the kids. Happens all the time. He would kidnap,if he does, probably to harm YOU. Whether he wants the kids or not.

    You need a good, woman feminist lawyer, inmo. Not just any lawyer! Some lawyers (who are not feminist, but could be female) will not be at all helpful, and may prove to be so weak, that you lose, and still haae to pay them.

    Two suggested ways to find a lawyer. Best could be to call your local women’s crisis center. They can also MAYBE find you a case manager.
    Women’s CC can also hid you and your kids for a while, if needed.

    Another way is if you have any friend/s who have gotten custody successfully, and had a good lawyer.

    DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE VERBAL AGREEMENTS. I’m sure you know t his.

    DO NOT REVEAL ANYTHING ABOUAT THE WOMEN’S CRISIS CENTER, ESP THEIR SAFE HOUSE, TO ANY MAN, ESP. HIM.

  • #40246

    Synergy
    Participant

    One more thing about the Women’ s Crisis Center, counseling, etc. Do not even say the name “Women’s Crisis Center,” “Crisis Center,” Safe House,” etc etc.

    The temptation might be to threatten him about hiding, etc. Very, very important for him to know absolutely nothing about that center. And to never know you are considering hiding. Maybe he does not even know that such an organization exists, which is someehing you can hope he never figures out.

    Suggest avoid any talk about counseling, etc. He would not want you “talking about him”. Thats their line. At least commmon onr. There’s also, “That’s our family’s business, nobody elses.” Do not go to mediation with him!!! Very dangerous, ,as he will trick you AND the mediator by seeming to be a nice guy, etc.

  • #40247

    Synergy
    Participant

    A very good book to read: “The Little Engine that Could.” Children’s book from the 1940s. It’ll give you an easy “mantra” “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!” Said very slow, as the little train labors to get a full train up the big hill. then every time you make a small victory or step forward, “I thought I could I thought I could I thought I could I thought I could (said fast like a little train running fast) — very inspirational. Best wishes to you and your kids. Sorry if I scared you – but really, you need to be aware of some of the possibilities I mentioned. Now it’s time for being courageous, and showing your power. I know you can!

  • #40255

    Jan7
    Participant

    it is suggested with kids that you use the “Low contact rule” when dealing with a sociopath.

    I would suggest you look at the site One Moms battle. com for help with child custody issues.

    Donna Anderson has interviewed the One Moms battle site creator and also if you go to the top of Love fraud & do a search on One moms battle you can read what Donna has posted about that wonderful site.

    One mom battle has a Facebook page also. If you chose to chat on it, I would recommend that you open a fake email account, then a fake Facebook page…this way you can chat freely without your ex or his family/friends seeing what you are posting.

    It’s a tremendous support site.

    I would also recommend that you do a search on the net for “boundary setting” and see your library self help section or book store for books on the subject.

    Dealing with a sociopath in court is a nightmare, you are wise to this fact and if you can by all means avoid a court battle because that is what your ex will thrive on. And the court personal including the judges are clueless that they are dealing with a sociopath.

    One thing that is important with “Low contact” is to open a separate email account & use that ONLY to contact your ex as to when you will exchange the children etc. Keep your emails SHORT & TO THE POINT. If he goest off on a ranting long email…simply IGNORE his email. They want to suck victims back in by pushing our buttons for control & for the fun of messing with us and most importantly to stress us out…DONT PLAY HIS GAME!! Ignore his ranting emails. Remember when you send your email think about that fact if you have to go to court you want your emails to look professional so that the Judge sees you in good light.

    Dont talk with him on the phone or text message. Have it all in emails this way if you end up in court you have a solid record of his behavior.

    Talking on the phone with a sociopath is like hitting your head on the wall for hours…you get no where with them fast…like running on a hamster wheel to know where ville. AVOID PHONE CALLS!! Get him to communicate with you via email only = boundary setting!!

    Usually when a sociopath last supply has left them, do they have interest in the children and ex spouse again…could this be the case with him now? Could his girlfriend have ended their relationship?? If so, just wait he will have a new victim in his grips and then will go back to not being interested in your children (thank goodness!).

    As for your stress and your children’s stress google “adrenal fatigue”.

    Wishing you all the best.

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