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Could it all have been just an illusion of mine?

This topic contains 15 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  David Mc Dermott MD 1 week ago.

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  • #47189

    daisy1990
    Participant

    The whole thing remains confusing to me. I’m still trying to figure out what has truly happened. Is he really a narcissist? His profile matches the descriptions of the many articles I read about NPD. Even so, I thrive to believe anything he did or said was not real.

    We first met in high school and though we were classmates and had a bunch of friends in common, we never got too close. He always seemed to act a little cautiously whenever I was around, what he later confessed was because he saw me as a very centered and self confident person, and that scared him away. He also declared he had competitive feelings towards me at the time, for considering me more intelligent than him.

    I ended up moving to a different city to attend college and we barely spoke again for the next ten years. Nearly a year ago, we reconnected through social media. He sent me some direct messages and we casually chatted. We talked about what we experienced during the years we had no contact, like college, past relationships and future projects. Since our ideals and life goals seemed very alike, it was easy and fun to talk to him, and soon it appeared to existe a strong connection between us.

    In no time, he started texting me every day and we chatted all the time. At first, I thought it was weird that he shared certain stuff with me, like his daily routine or work problems, things that one usually shares with a long time partner, not someone you just reconnected with. But as time passed, I got used to it and the fact that he bothered to tell me such trivial things made me feel special.

    From then on things escalated quickly and few weeks later he appeared to be totally in love with me. He constantly told me how I was different from other people, but similar to him (like we had been made to each other). He would point characteristics in me he claimed he’d admired since high school, and even talked about marriage. For me, it was very clear he was pursuing a serious relationship.

    At the time, I had plans to live and study in Europe and he promptly adhered to the idea. The goal now was for us to do it together, and this became the main topic of our conversations. I admit I became suspicious of how fast things seemed to be developing, but since it would take a couple months for him to return to our country and for us to (supposedly) work on our plans, I tried not to worry too much about it. Moreover, since he showed a consistent behavior till then, I thought I could trust him and started let down my guards. Soon I felt strongly bonded to him, and that’s when his conduct started to change.

    He became colder and distant, sometimes even rude. Nevertheless, he still pursued me everyday. He constantly text or called to talk about himself or random stuff, but when I shared something personal, like a problem I was facing, he was very unresponsive. I became confused overtime and started questioning what I must had done wrong for him to start acting that way. However, when I tried to tell him how I felt and my concerns about the relationship, he lacked empathy and said that I worried too much, that I should be more patient.

    One day, during a ordinary conversation, he suggested (out of the blue) that I should see other people. Obviously upset, I confronted him about it. After some discussion on the subject, he claimed his affirmation had been “mostly” a joke, but that he really wouldn’t care if I wanted to follow his suggestion and meet other people while talking to him, even if he wasn’t doing that.

    By then, he was about to return to our country and with his arrival things got worse. He became more elusive than before, and never made any solid plan for us to meet. I couldn’t understand why he still insisted in talking to me everyday if it seemed like he’d lost interest in the relationship.

    About a month after his arrival, we finally met when I visited my father in our hometown. We saw each other only two times, and that was enough to make the role situation look even more blurry to me.

    On our first date, he seemed excited to see me and declared his interest in starting-up our plans to live overseas. However, something about his behavior really bothered me. I can’t point exactly what it was, maybe the way he looked at me or the fact that he checked his phone the entire time we were together. Next day, when we met for the second time, we had more physical contact (although very little) and instead of enlighten the situation, it made it all more confusing. After that, he acted cold and distant and even gave me the “silent treatment” for a while.

    Since I couldn’t figure out what was happening, I contacted him and explained how confused and overwhelmed I was feeling (we talked through voice and text messages because I tried to schedule a third meeting but didn’t succeed). This time, I expected him to be more clear upon his intentions. At first, he said he also felt confused and wasn’t sure about what he wanted. A couple days later, though, he sent me a text saying, in a very defensive speech, that he wasn’t going to apologize for his behavior (even if I never asked or expected him to do so), because he had not done anything wrong. He also wrote that, although he “really liked me”, he wasn’t willing to give up his freedom, and wished things remained as they were.

    When I told him I wouldn’t agree to have an open relationship (what I had already told him when he suggested that I saw other people), he affirmed it would be ok for him if we continued in touch as friends, and that excluding the romantic aspect of the relationship wouldn’t change the way he saw me. I still can’t entirely comprehend what he meant in that last statement. He never wished to have a real relationship with me? What about all the stuff he said only few weeks after we reconnected? He made me believe he wanted something serious. Could It all have been just delusion?

    Even he stating his desire to keep in touch (as if nothing had ever happened), I refused. I said I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, and that I needed distance to move on. Then, I deleted him from my social media and avoided contact.

    It has now been a month since we last talked and he’s in Europe, participating of a scholarship program I’ve suggested and for which we had applied together. I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of, for I have given him a huge support regarding the application for this study program, since he was still working overseas at the time. I deeply regret having shared with him my plans to live and study in Europe. I feel like he infiltrated himself into my dreams and stole them from me. How could I’ve been so naive?

    I’m still struggling not to keep in touch with him and, even knowing I’m better without this person in my life, I guess I still seek confirmation that he must have a personality disorder and isn’t just a jerk. I blamed myself for have stayed under his spell for so long, but reading stories of other people who got involved with sociopaths made me believe that, if he truly is one, I can only be grateful for escaping before more damage was made.

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks ago by  daisy1990.
  • #47191

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Daisy1990 – what you describe is typical narcissistic or sociopathic behavior. No wonder you are confused.

    Stay strong in No Contact. He actually may reach out to you again, saying he made a mistake, or pretending that you never expressed your concerns about his behavior. Don’t believe him.

    The guy is a player, and honestly, it is good that you are rid of him. Do not let him back.

  • #47192

    daisy1990
    Participant

    I apreciate the feedback Donna, it’s really important for me right now. Reading other people stories here has also been helpful, thank you for providing us this space to share our experiences.

  • #47204

    soulsurvivor
    Participant

    I agree that he likely has a personality disorder. The semblance of a connection, friendship, and long-distance relationship was likely an illusion. Looks like he might have been intrigued by your online social media presence and needed some help with next steps in his life. (You were a shiny new ball and he wanted in!)

    Be happy that you found out his true intentions without getting sucked into the physical component which would leave longer lasting emotional and trauma bonds. Focus on your life and bettering yourself. Be weary of any future contact with him or anyone who wants to move your relationship along too quickly.

    • #47207

      daisy1990
      Participant

      Thank you for your feedback and support. It’s of great help right now. And I agree, in the end I was lucky to not have gotten more involved…

  • #47205

    Jan7
    Participant

    If you are confused about your mate & your relationship = you are dealing with someone that has a personality disorder!!

    It’s that simple!

    Look up here at love fraud, an interview between Donna & Mary Ann Glynn. IT’s power & empathize “Confusion” in a abusive relationship.

    It is NOT normal to be confused when you are in a relationship of any kind especially a romantic relationship.

    Listen to your GUT INSTINCT on this! Your gut instinct guided you to research & lead you here = to the truth!!

    Follow the No contact rule (do a search here at on love fraud & google term)

    also do a search here on love fraud for the following:

    idolize, devalue & discard
    Sociopath triangulation
    sociopath smear campaign

    Glad you followed your gut!! Google: “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their powerful interview on always listen to your gut instinct. Gavin Debunkers book “The gift of fear” is a must read. Your local library may have it.

    Sending you huge hugs!! Take care.

    • #47208

      daisy1990
      Participant

      I guess you are right, when we care about someone we won’t leave them hanging on answers and lost in confusion. Thanks for the encouragement and the precious tips, I’ll certain take a look at them 🙂

  • #47210

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Daisy1990, confusion is what a sociopath wants their victims to feel. They ultimately want Power & control over others. Confusion is a form of power & control.

    My ex h (a sociopath) would leave me in a constant confusion. He was always changing the rules even though I did not know that he was playing a game with me, he was always changing plans, always creating chaos & drama daily. It was ALL intentional to keep me focused on changing me and not focused on what he was really doing = lying, cheating, conning everyone including me. This guy you are dating sounds like he is doing the same.

    When I finally escaped & drove 3000 miles away without him knowing, I went to a counselor. Lucky for me, this counselor was astute in sociopath abuse. I literally sat on the cou
    ch and stated “I just left my husband, I dont know if the marriage failed because of me, him, or both, I’m confused”.

    She immediately stated asking me question and within 20 minutes she told me I was married to a psychopath!! I did not fully understand this at the time, lucky again she gave me a book to read on psychopath relationship. I literally sobbed reading the whole book in just a few days. Ever page was as if the author had written the book based on my marriage. It was shocking. But, I finally had the answer I had been praying for. It gave me the freedom to continue with my divorce proceedings despite him trying to win me back.

    Your gut told you to research his horrible & confusing behavior…which lead you to this wonderful site & you had the courage to post your nightmare of a relationship story = BELIVE YOUR GUT!! It is telling (more like SCREAMING at you) that he is NOT normal…this relationship is not normal. This relationship with him does not feel right. Believe your gut instinct!!

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Jan7.
  • #47211

    Jan7
    Participant

    ps THIS HAS NOTHING to do with you, or if you were good enough for him. This guy played you & will play the next woman too. This is what they do.

    BEWARE!! Sociopaths aways boomerang back into a past target victims life. So keep posting & asking question hear, vent & read, read, read every article here at Lovefraud to open your mind up to his game playing. I would suggest you buy Donna’s book “Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath” (see book store tab up at the top of love fraud)

    Also watch the videos up at the top & relate them to your relationship with this guy. On the Home page of Lovefraud scroll down to the “Yellow box” and read everything there. Donna has education videos for a small fee and also if you look up at the top under “contact” you can learn about Donna’s life coach sessions.

    Just know this is a safe place to ask questions & vent. Glad you have the courage to post. Wishing you all the best.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Jan7.
    • #47238

      daisy1990
      Participant

      “ps THIS HAS NOTHING to do with you, or if you were good enough for him. This guy played you & will play the next woman too. This is what they do.”

      Thank you for these kind words. We do tend to think we might be the problem. But you’re right, no one will be ever enough for the them, not even themselves, that’s probably why they seek validation in others.

  • #47239

    daisy1990
    Participant

    I just found out the guy was matching people on Tinder while telling me to “be more patient”. What a j*. I’m glad I got out of this horrible situation.

  • #47243

    Jan7
    Participant

    Daisy1990, I’m sorry that you are unearthing the truth…this is hard to deal with…lots of emotions. But, at the same time, it’s the best thing that can happen to you. As the say, the Truth will set you free.

    Now, you can be free of this sociopath. He will NEVER change…what you see = what you get.

    My guess is he is manipulating women in Europe & upon his return to your home town…he will attempt to manipulate you back into his lying, SERIAL cheating, cunning dysfunctional world. Don’t let him back in…slam the door shut now.

    Educating yourself now by reading Lovefraud, asking stories etc to open your mind up to all of his lies. These types are Pathological liars (do a search on this) they will tell you what you want to hear, this is part of their manipulation & how they lure people into their con game.

    FOLLOW THE NOW CONTACT RULE ….BLOCK HIM ON SOCIOL MEDIA, PHONE, TEXT Etc.

    There are 7 BILLION people on this planet…half are male…half of them are in your dating age range. Find a nice kind guy who is NORMAL..this is not normal!!

    Sending you hugs!!

    When speaking to my counselor one day, I told her, that I thought my (then) husband was cheating on me, maybe 8 – 12 times…She told me it was more likely 3 to 4 times that number!!

    She told me all sociopaths are serial cheaters!! This guy sounds like one. I spent 12 years in a marriage where it was nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride…Looking back she was right…he cheated endlessly. HE manipulated me with “idolization, devalue, discard” (do a search here at love fraud & Net on this term) throughout the marriage. This is what you will get if you stay with this sociopath. This is not what you deserve. This guy saying “be patient’ he is expecting you to wait for him.

    Little does he know you are education yourself on his manipulative & cunning ways. Set yourself free!! Follow the NO contact rule now.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  Jan7.
    • #47252

      sbff8
      Participant

      This post sounds like what I’ve been describing. The man I knew. My question is is it NORMAL to feel bad for them? After everything I’ve went through and smear campaign still going on I feel bad this man has lost his friends and beloved band he was in. This is not what I wanted by exposing him. I wanted him to know he wouldn’t get away with doing it to others. This flying monkey who’s been campaign running has spread everything- thus causing more issues than needed.

      He never was going to leave his wife. I was not his best friend or soulmate. He did this to other people. Whyyyy am I now feeling bad for him? It’s so twisted.

      • #47259

        David Mc Dermott MD
        Participant

        sbff8,

        Yes it is normal to have contradictory emotions in such a situation. When you are involved with a manipulator they literally change your personality. You have different thoughts, emotions, behaviors and even a different way of seeing the world. This is why friends and family often say of the victims that they are not themselves anymore.

        This false personality is trained to believe the manipulator, to look after the manipulator and put the wants and needs of the manipulator first. This is why you feel sorry for him. It’s also why daisy199o and other victims have difficulty believing that their ‘beloved’ was actually abusing them. This false personality is also made to be dependent on the manipulator and this makes no contact so difficult initially.

        While your false personality is upset for him, your real personality recognizes what a nasty person he is and this causes problems because your thoughts don’t line up with your feelings, or you have contradictory feelings at the same time (for example, hate and caring, anger and pity).

        Learning about how specifically they manipulated you helps to get rid of the false personality, the imposed beliefs, ideas, behaviors and feelings.

  • #47260

    sbff8
    Participant

    It just is all unbelievable to me. I’ve been through such a smear campaign for exposing him I feel like I need to defend myself. Instead I’ve been bullied into “keeping quiet “ in order to stop being harassed. I thought I knew this man- and I still cannot figure out WHAT he wanted from me? He’s married and apparently was lying about his unhappiness. He actually claimed he was in love with me. He did these things as a game? Or to see if he could hook me? I just don’t understand why

    • #47261

      David Mc Dermott MD
      Participant

      sbff8,

      These people are professional liars. Unless you have 3rd party evidence of what they say, you have to assume it’s all lies. So yes, he lied about his unhappiness and he lied about loving you. (By definition, these people are incapable of love).

      Here’s a quote from one of them: “There really is nothing more amusing or exciting or fun than turning a smart, beautiful, resourceful person into a personal plaything. It is a game, but I am not necessarily interested in the spoils so much as the maneuvering.”

      This gives you a sense of what it’s all about for them, domination and control. He seems as if he wanted to see if he could ‘catch you”.

      And be careful of that why question. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why and if you only consider it from your (normal, healthy) point of view, you may never find an answer because you wouldn’t do that to anyone. You have to learn how they think to develop a sense of why they do things.

      And sometimes the answer to why they do things is simply ‘because they are psychopaths’.

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