lf2

Could use an ear and validation. I'm broken!

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  kathleenkelly 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #43251

    foggymuck
    Participant

    As the username implies, I am in a foggy muck. I’ve been in it for about the last three years.

    I met my husband 5 years ago. I was a single mom, content to be alone. I turned him down for a few weeks, maybe months, I don’t remember at this point, but I eventually gave in. And boy was I glad I did. He was literally the most amazing creature God could have created. A very chivalrous southern man with a charming drawl, more affectionate and attentive than I’d ever imaged. He was (and to his credit) always has been good with my kids. He has children of his own and the blending of the family seemed to be even easier than loving this new prince of mine.

    He’s always been a partner, if the fence needs mending, he’s ON it. If it’s a busy afternoon, he’ll always offer to shop for groceries while I go home and tend to homework. As soon as he arrives, he unloads groceries and starts dinner. As I’m folding laundry, he’s sweeping up. As I’m tucking children away into bed, he’s cleaning dinner dishes. Girls, let me tell you, he is a dream above all dreams and as handsome as the day is long. Everything any girl could dream of. Wow!! And he is still this kind of partner today! So why am I here?

    Lies. Lies, control, anger and manipulation.

    When we started dating, he told me all of the wonderful reasons why I would be the VERY FIRST woman he’ll introduce his kids to. Up until this time, he’d never introduced them to anyone because he’d never found one that he was so sure about. Me, however, he was finally SURE about. We were Soul mates. Once introduced to them, and many months had gone by, I realized his sweet little boy was very reluctant to even speak to me. He loathed me, really. I read books on step parenting, everything I could to help make this boy feel comfortable. I looked at every angle and approached them, even putting a picture of his mother in a picture frame on his dresser in the room we’d made for him, all Red Socks! I wanted him to know that he is welcome to love his mother, that she is welcome here, that I am not a competition. Fast forward several more months and I actually found out (not by him being honest, but from another source) that not only had he had MANY relationships before me, he’d introduced the kids to every one of them. He even asked several of them to marry him. I was shocked!

    My main thought was, why would he lie about something so silly? The truth would have been just fine! I sat down and told him what I had found, calmly, and I explained to him that he doesn’t have to hide things. I told him that had I known about it, I could have understood the little boy’s reason for not getting close. I could have reassured him better.

    Before I could even blink, BAM….different man. He stood up, began screaming at me, yelling, backing me (physically) into a wall. “That was before we were together. Why are you so jealous? What difference do my past relationships make??? You’re ridiculous! I can’t believe you!!!! So I was engaged in the past! SO!!! AND!!! That bothers you?”

    It wasn’t the relationships!!! I could care less about the relationships! It was the lie! Why would he tell me one thing, only for me to find out the exact extreme opposite?! What was the point of hiding it? Moreover, what was the point in screaming, bullying me and physically intimidating me because I tried to gently reassure him that I loved him enough to let him be himself?

    Over the coming years, this would continue. It was always little stuff, but BOY did he ever get irate beyond belief when I’d get close to his little truths. Each one brought out the devil in him. I spent so many nights wondering why he was so mad at me. I wasn’t the one that lied! I’d try every approach, yet I would be met with ANGER and RAGE. Oh, lest we forget that silent treatment.

    And my favorite. As he yelled, roughed me up, pushed me into things, blamed me for being nosy, jealous, ridiculous, I’d finally stand my ground and shove him away from me. Immediately he would say, “See….look how you’re acting!!! Just look at what you’re doing. You put your hands on me too! But you always wanna play the victim and blame me. Just LOOK at yourself! You think you’re such an angel, don’t you?”

    In the midst of the small, stupid lies, where the truth would have been just fine, I started noticing IRS issues. I had prepared his taxes the first year together and found that he was getting a good amount back! Because he had child support and other bills, I knew he would be so relieved at a large tax refund!! After a few weeks, I’d ask, “Babe, have you still not gotten your refund?” to which he would say, “Nope. I should check on that.” Then I’d see IRS envelopes, unopened. He kept a PO Box for YEARS after he moved in with me, BTW. A week longer past so I checked the tax filing that i’d prepared and was so puzzled. I keyed everything correctly for the direct deposit! Later that afternoon, after returning home, I casually told him I had checked and that I was just as befuddled as he was. “Maybe you should call them, maybe they sent it by mail instead? His rage was immediate!!! “Why do you keep on about that!?!? Why can’t you just let it go!?” This anger would always shock me because I was simply trying to put money in his pocket! I was excited that he would have money for a change. I knew it would ease his stress. He was always stressed about money, so a few thousand dollars was a BIG DEAL! Wasn’t it?? Why wouldn’t he want to find out why it hasn’t been submitted to him yet?

    Because the rage was so 180 degrees out from the man I loved, it would literally break me. Each incident of physical intimidation would become a little worse. The yelling, the reverse blaming, OH HOW MY HEAD WOULD SWIM!!!!

    Then came the days of silent treatment. I was left to wonder, still, what is he hiding?? And how could he react that way with me? Was I being nosy? Maybe I am the one to blame. Maybe I should just not question him! Oh, how I hate that I’ve made him so mad!

    The silence was excruciating.

    And what did I do? Each time the silent treatment was over, I’d fall right back in love again with the “Good” version. So, I married him. (Y’all, I know…don’t judge me yet!)

    6 months after MARRYING him and 5 fights like the one above ( for example, after seeing an IRS letter on the counter, thinking he’d finally gotten his refund and being so excited for him! only to be run through the rage mill again when I asked) I found out the full extent of the issue. I mentally, emotionally and almost physically paid a deep price for every piece of the puzzle that I accidentally ran across up until this point, but it turns out he was over 50K in debt to the IRS.

    Finding porn, but always being previously told, “Oh, baby, I don’t need that stuff in my life. You’re all I need. Our sex life is amazing, there’s no need to look at that mess.”

    There is always a LIE. Always!!! The rage usually follows each one. He is always ALWAYS suspicious of what I’m doing, what I’m thinking, what I’m up to, when I’ve not been up to a damn thing!!! HE HAS!!! Everything became suspicious to me at some point! And that suspicion kept me in a constant state of struggle between “No, he wouldn’t do that!.” and “With as much as he’s lied about in the past, I wouldn’t put it past hm.” I was always off balance, always in wonder of what lie would slap me in the face next. Again, they weren’t all big lies, he just seemed to compartmentalize one side of him and would get furious if I accidentally touched upon that compartment.

    And a simple question would turn into a fight, as if I was tapping into his conscience and, Hell, I didn’t even know!
    Me: “So, how was work? Late night, huh? Sorry you had to work so much, so late.
    Him: “What’s that mean? You just don’t trust me!!! Do you?”
    Me: “What? Damn, I was just asking how your day went!”
    Him: “You know, you make me feel guilty for working late!”
    Me: “Because I asked you how your day was?”

    The anger would begin to build pretty quickly and I would feel the knot in my stomach beginning to ball up tighter with every word spoken

    Him “you’ve had an edge about you all week. I know you’re up to something.
    Me “Baby, I’m not up to anything! I’ve had a great week!
    Him: No, I now you. I can read you like a book. You’re lying to me

    I knew at this point that the end result would be the rage and then the inevitable silent treatment for a few days and although I wasn’t up to anything, nothing at all was wrong, I would now be the target of his anger for as long as he felt the punishment should be.

    Him “you just have trust issues! You can’t trust anyone. Can you?? YOU….YOU think you’re so perfect, that you never lie, but you’re lying right now! Because I know there’s something wrong!! What have I done to you? What have I done to make you NOT trust me?? Huh? Tell me!!

    By this time, the yelling and the accusing is starting to piss me off

    Me: I’m not doing this with you. There’s nothing wrong with me, you just want to fight.

    It would go on and on, accusations against me; him constantly asking what he’d done to ever make me not trust him until I would finally blow!

    Me “What have you done??? Why don’t I trust you?? Um, I just found out two weeks ago that you were 50K in debt to the IRS, which you’ve been hiding for YEARS!!!! Is that not enough???
    Him (his FAMOUS LINE) “You always dig up the past, don’t you? You will always go back and throw those things in my face! I’ll never be good enough for you. You’re little Miss Perfect in every way, aren’t you? You never do anything wrong, It’s always me. Bullshit!”

    Am I crazy? Would most women stay in this? I have helped both financially by hiring attorneys and by spending time researching how to help with the IRS debt in order to help relieve him of it (US of it, now that I married into it unknowingly!). I have supported him as best I can, but I am now being accused of throwing it in his face every time the “Trust” issue comes up. My point is, if the lies would stop, the trust issues would fade away and never come up again. But this isn’t going to happen. Him NOT lying would be like him not breathing. And somehow I, his wife, pays the ultimate price.

    The pain, right now is very bad. We had another bad fight just this week and we haven’t spoken much in days. I just don’t know if I can keep on this path. I don’t want to give up on the man I met and fell in love with, but I’m beginning to think that was just a brightly polished version of who he wants to be, but can’t be.

    Any advice, validation and encouragement would be great. I’m sorry for the long post. There is still 85% more of our rocky history that I’ve not shared above, so for that, you may actually be thankful because that would have likely turned into a book. LOL!

    • This topic was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by  foggymuck.
    • This topic was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by  foggymuck.
    • This topic was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by  foggymuck.
    • This topic was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by  foggymuck.
    • This topic was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by  foggymuck.
  • #43263

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Amber Ault’s book the five step exit is good. it is a place to start.

  • #43264

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    foggymuck – I am so sorry for your situation. The behavior you are describing is that of a disordered man. He could be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissist or borderline – there is a lot of overlap among these Cluster B disorders. The actual diagnosis doesn’t matter. He is an exploiter and a manipulator. He targeted you on purpose. And he will never change.

    I’m afraid you were deceived. I recommend that you get out of the relationship as fast as you can. I also recommend that you claim a status of “married filing single” for your taxes. You should not take on his burden.

  • #43293

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    hang in there.

  • #43316

    vonkie
    Participant

    There are so many things you describe that I recognize in my own relationship, which I ended. I ended it at a point where the man I fell in love with no longer resembled the person he was in the end. The countless times I questioned myself about the lies, as you say – small lies that grew larger. The endless fights over seemingly ‘nothing’ issues, so out of left field. In the end the man who I no longer recognized had started a relationship behind my back with a woman he has now been married to for 3 weeks … all within 10 months of not being together. The marriage plans were made within 3 months of him being gone… All I can suggest after what I read and what I went through is listen to your own inner voice…trust your instincts and see the person for who he truly is. You are correct in seeing him for the person he is. Trust yourself.

    It was so easy for all around us to say – leave it behind. Nothing is harder than leaving a relationship that lasted for quite some time, and going to a life that seems lonely. I certainly have not found my balance yet, its too raw still, but in the end, it is the right thing to do. Believe in yourself!

  • #43462

    kathleenkelly
    Participant

    Foggy! Hugs to you!

    The man I thought I married ……never really existed. It was all a show. After I married him I found out he was kicked out of the US Navy for selling drugs, he embezzled money from a former employer and he had a raging addiction to pornography and prostitutes. He was an expert at deception and gas lighting. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

    The Prince Charming I thought I married- turned out to be deceptive, lying, pervert. In recovery, I found myself grieving for “the marriage that never was.”

  • #43463

    kathleenkelly
    Participant

    Oh by the way- he’s on dating sites…..looking for a new victim/girlfriend!

  • #43464

    kathleenkelly
    Participant

    The narc impaired my ability to “trust myself/believe in myself” with gas lighting, minimizing, blame shifting and lies. Looking back……. my intuition- was always on the money.

    Trust your instincts. They are your friends!

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