Dating after a sociopath.

[faircat19]

Hi ladies and gents.

I am post sociopath for 5 months now. No contact and just trying to move on with my life. It has been hard. I mean, therapy and medication and anxiety and weight loss and incredible devastation and sadness. I feel I am getting better every day but it’s like I’m putting the pieces back together and they don’t quite fit anymore. I don’t believe in soul mates anymore, ever lasting love. I’m not scared of death and I seem to have lost that innocent magic I’ve lived with all my life. I still cry myself to sleep some nights but it’s not every single night like it used to be. A very kind and lovely gentleman asked me out on a date last week. I accepted and went. He brought me flowers, held the door open for me and was kind and sweet. I felt numb and uninterested and just wanted to be at home on my own. I thanked him and said good night and went home and cried. I cried most of the day after and I didn’t really understand why. Is it because I’m looking for the feeling I had at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath which is sadly when I felt most alive in my life or was it because I was absolutely not ready? I decided it was a bit of both and I spoke to the gentleman about how I wasn’t ready to date yet and he was so understanding and has remained a good friend. What does everyone think?

[slimone]

faircat,

I think you figured it out. Just not ready to date, and still needing more healing. You (obviously) understand that you have come a pretty good distance in 5 months, but are still feeling sad and anxious. I had a very similar experience. Time definitely helped. And once I was no longer feeling all the anxiety and despair, and I resumed dating, it went much better.

It takes awhile for our bodies to heal up from the ravage of abuse and betrayal. Actually, it still amazes me how long it can take.

I met my current, loving and kind, husband about a year before we started dating. Like you I was not ready and found myself disinterested and despondent. He was kind and supportive, staying in touch over the year, but not insinuating himself in any way. Was just so good with personal boundaries.

We have been together 8 years now. VERY happy. Life is sweet, safe, calm, and fun.

Hang in there,
Slim

[emilie18]

Faircat – Slimone is right — you are still in the throes of the trauma and still healing. Give yourself space and time. If this gentleman is a truly good person he will wait for you. It sounds like he is. Treasure his friendship. The pieces WILL fit together again – and his trust and understanding may just be the glue to keep things strong.

After my experience with the narc who promised me the world, the sun and the moon but delivered deceit, betrayal and theft I KNEW I would never, ever trust again. But I, too, had a sweet man waiting for me in the background, offering a shoulder to cry on, gentle wisdom to ponder and total confidence that I was strong, capable, smart and lovable. That friendship slowly bloomed into a relationship. Even though every now and then I relapse into a pile of self-doubt and self-loathing, he stands firm by my side reminding me what an amazing woman I am. What a gift. But — it took me a long time.

You are doing great. Keep posting. Some really amazing people on here.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by emilie18.

[Donna Andersen]

faircat19 – I echo what slimone and emilie have posted. It does take time to recover from the devastation from the sociopath, and the best thing you can do right now is allow yourself to cry.

Allow memories of your experience to come up, and then allow yourself to really feel the emotions attached to those memories and experiences.

And then, for true healing, take it a step further. Examine the experience with the sociopath and see if it is similar to a previous experience in your life — perhaps with another relationship, or maybe even in your family of origin. If it is, allow yourself to feel the emotions attached to those earlier experiences as well.

This is an opportunity to clear out all the emotional gunk from your system. If you do the work, you’ll be truly ready for a wonderful relationship on the other side.

[polestar]

Hi faircat19,
You are doing great for only 5 months! From my experience and from what I have read, it really does take time to get over an abusive relationship. You didn’t mention how long you had been involved in the relationship, but one pitfall that happens is that with all the mental confusion involved from the intermittent reinforcement as well as the other crazy making behaviors that confront one – the attention gets more and more focused on the abusive partner, and less and less with connecting with your own self. The result is that we end up loosing or forgetting our true identity. So it takes time after you have gone No Contact to begin to focus on who you really are, what you like and don’t like, what interests delight you etc. In other words, “ to find yourself “ ( again ). The other participants gave you wonderful advice. I know that what you are going through at the 5 month point still feels devastating -it’s just so difficult because of the overwhelming emotions and the mental confusion. Go step by step, day by day and you will start to feel better and better, and if you read and study the information available about these horrible predators, your understanding will grow while the confusion will lessen. Anyway, I congratulate you on your 5 month No Contact!
Blessings

[Author]

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