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I’ve been in no contact for two weeks and started to feel great. I am moving on, I can see he has been abusing me and trying to drive me to insanity. My eyes opened to it all, I knew I had to leave him for good and not look back. It got so bad that my anxiety was way out of control and I was having panic attacks. I could see the smirk and pleasure on his face as he watched me go through a panic attack. The anxiety and panic attacks went away after a few days of no contact, I was starting to feel better and then he contacted me. (Yes, he’s blocked but that didn’t stop him). All day today, I’ve had anxiety that he will never let me go. I hope he finds a new girlfriend and leaves me alone. I want to move on in my life:( How long does it take before they let us go?
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Unfortunately the answer is never they may move on but you will be their back up supply they have you right where they want you their new target may not be so easy to coheres yet so will still try and contact you you will learn over time it’s not actually about you at all it’s about them having power getting gratification and knowing they have turned a confident bright person in to a shell of their former selves 8 years later I am still dealing with narc worse because we have a child my advice would be do not let your dictate to you if he says horrible things says your doing xyz you are not his find yourself again date eventually I wish I had, when you move on they can’t hurt you as they once did because the power they had over you is gone your not waiting or wanting the person they were because that wasn’t real, people who don’t understand will say block them but anyone who has dealt with them knows they find a way whether it be letters getting friends or family to contact you messaging or calling from a different number the list is endless please just remember no matter how nice sorry they are this act will not last and the more you accept their sorry the sorter the “sweet phase” will be, you loved this person they pretended to be all you had been looking for in a person and that’s hard to let go of and give up on.
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lost- Look at Gavin deBecker’s book The Gift of Fear, chapter 8. He talks about people who won’t let go.
SG
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lostandconfused,
Some DO go away. Some don’t. There are strategies for ‘helping’ them go away.
Don’t EVER respond. EVER.
Don’t ask anyone about them, that will tell them.
It is basically remaining NO CONTACT, on all levels.Unless they do something to harm you and you have to engage with the police, or see them in court, the best way to get them to move on is to show ZERO interest, and never respond to them.
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lostandconfused,
AND, it is totally normal to feel those PTSD feelings (being anxious, fearful, unsettled, not being able to sleep) when they try to contact you. The best way to get over these reactions is to stay away and never respond.
Eventually, and I speak from experience, the PTSD response weakens, and becomes a ‘blip’, rather than an episode.
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Good advice.
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Great advice.
SG
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lost- De Becker says doing nothing is a good thought out managemant plan.
SG
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Two GREAT books on the subject are Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie & Without Conscious by Robert D Hare.I have the audiobook on both & I have literally listened to them over & over. They really are that good.
These 2 books, in combination with this forum & educating myself on psychopathy & sociopathy is what has helped me heal. I haven’t spoken to my ex in 46 days. The damage he caused my world is so extensive because my love was genuine, but I finally realized that I loved who I thought he was, not who he turned out to be.
There is healing. Never acknowledging their words again is the only way. -
Hi lost and confused –
What they want is a reaction. Yes, they do want to destroy their victims, but these psychopaths ( from all I have read about and seen ) are actually very lazy. They prefer a target who is easily available and they just don’t even care enough to keep pursuing without getting some “ Narcissist Supply “. They will “ Hoover “ if they think they can either upset the target enough so the target is baited to feel the need to defend themselves, or they will sweet talk in hopes the target will yet again believe their lies ( having remembered the happiness of the original love bombing ). But if there are no easy results for them they will give up, being the characterless people they are. Usually when you hear horror tales about continued harassment, it is when they have a connection to the victim in which the victim is trapped by circumstances like some legal issue etc. In your case, the best thing to do is to totally block any entryway to you. I know that you said that you already tried that and it didn’t work. Perhaps contact your phone company or internet server or those who are internet savvy to assist you. It is possible to block people by phone and email and all the electronic connections. When you are successful, you will feel much much better. Keep up the good work regarding your insightful abilities and knowing what is best for you.
Blessings -
Lostandconfused, Two weeks is great! Keep it up! No contact is the best advice I learned when I came to this forum in 2010. It’s been 9 years since I realized I had been in a relationship with a sociopath. He still tries to contact me through social media at points in my life he may have felt I would be vulnerable… my birthday, the day my mom died and 6 months later when my father died. They try to get their foot back in the door. No contact! I blocked him and he would create a new account. I haven’t heard from him since February, though I am now stronger and I don’t get the anxiety and panic I used to get when he would pop up! It gets better, from my personal experience. No contact is going to help you get your power back.
I came here, this morning because I am having trouble with my ex husband. He is a antisocial narcissistic abusive man. I kept communication with him because of our daughter, she is now 22 and in college. My ex pays for her schooling, though she pays dearly for it with his verbal abuse. He says terrible things about me and treats my daughter horribly. I stopped communication with him in August after he posted inappropriately on a social media post I made. I have not had any contact with him since late August. I learned yesterday that he messaged my sister, because he knew she would tell me. As much as I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, I stopped. No contact with him either! He was abusive, mental and a few times physically. I don’t owe him anything. He made his bed, now he can wallow there. I do worry about the abuse my daughter endured, however she has me to guide her. I hope one day she will be at a point where she will be strong enough to say enough is enough and have no contact with him. I realize now how I got caught up by the sociopath after my divorce. I had been abused by my ex husband for so long I was ripe for the pickin! I need to vent this morning to people that understand. It has been several years since my last post, though it is comforting to know I have some where to go. Thanks to Donna starting this forum. I am forever grateful. -
sadme- Good to see your post.
SG
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Hi sadme – I’m so glad that you are back posting here. Though I understand your concern about your daughter. It is great that you have been so strong about your No Contact stance even though you were provoked by your ex’s message to your sister. Good for you ! That wasn’t easy to resist! About your daughter – in my opinion, for an adult ( 22 being an adult, though I know she will always be your child ! ) but considering that she is in college and the toxic one is her dad, it is a completely different situation than having the toxic one as a spouse. You remember what an awful experience that was and want your daughter not to have that. But do not worry – first of all she has you to talk to and can gain from your wisdom that protects her, secondly, she has her own social life and at that age, her focus will be on her peers more than her parents. Also, college isn’t easy, and she will be putting much of her attention and energy into her studies, and all the challenges that college life presents. College students also have concerns about their life path after graduating. So she has her plate quite full and that will keep a good boundary around her. See her in the best and most positive light of the wonderful and strong woman that you, I am sure, nurtured her to be. And keep up the good healing work you have been doing for such a long time. I know she is learning so much from seeing your good example !
Blessing. -
Polestar,
Thank you so much for you words of wisdom and the support! I appreciate it so much.
It’s not easy, though I have come soooo far! I have learned to protect myself. As much as I would love to give my ex a piece of my mind, it’s not worth it. He will never understand. My daughter and I have a healthy relationship and for that I am eternally grateful. My ex will never have that with our daughter… he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with anyone. My daughter doesn’t know my ex reached out to my sister, she would be mortified, yet she wouldn’t be surprised by it. She is smart and I knew that she would figure him out on her own. I didn’t have to call him names, talk bad about him (like he did me, with her) I knew he would show her his true self.
I am so blessed and I was reminded of that when my daughter stopped in to see me at work, today.We were chatting away when she said what would I do without you 🙂 she made me smile. It was especially sweet since I was struggling with my feelings about my ex earlier this week. I am the lucky one. I am the one that has a beautiful and healthy relationship with our daughter. -
Hi sadme – I loved your post! I could feel all the love that you have and share with your daughter, and that warms my heart and makes my world that much happier. There was a quote I remember, though not exactly, but it was something to the effect that a great man ( or woman ) is he who does not loose the love of their child. Children start out with so much love and adoration for their parents, and it is often the case that they get disillusioned for many different reasons. So it is so true that one who has real character and real love will keep that love of their child alive. That is what you have accomplished and who you are!
Blessings
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