Elderly parent living with adult socio sibling – help…

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  greenstick 2 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #39462


    The basics – socio-sibling (SS) providing parent place to live, including meals, transportation. Parent ok; good living conditions and relationship with SS just barely “OK” but better with the children. Parent acknowleges observing “moody or difficult” behavior and dismisses or downplays it, though doesn’t know all history and horrible events between us (for parents sake).

    SS excessively abusive, nasty, controlling, greedy, dishonest, cruel to me, no way to resolve or have lasting honest peace etc. Tried all i could do for years. No change on SS part and no trust left for SS, though I wish/keep wishing it would be better.. but always more of the above. Others close to SS have experienced the same at some point.

    Love my parent, speak on phone & email frequently but long distance involved and visit infrequently. Parent cannot travel for extended periods.
    SS does not communicate or respond, and am told not to communicate in writing; does not answer or return calls; myself and immediate loving family are never invited for anything / do not feel or are welcomed. Non communication is a typical weapon.

    Visiting can happen now because parent lucid and CAN leave house. Might be let in – don’t know till I/we arrive with months of notice. SS puts on good show in front of parent, though we pick up on all the subtle behaviors and comments that parent doesn’t. We stay elsewhere, but still feel violated after seeing the collections of greed and selfishness SS has accumulated; hearing lies, disrespect and phoniness. SS in control of all parent legal aspects. We anticipate we will be likely be shut out or prevented from visiting at some point in parents future. Sad.
    1. How to continue to visit and deal with SS? 2. How can i be informed if something was to (medically) happen? Parent is very passive and doesn’t like stirring up anything re changing future wishes 3. Should I talk to/inform parent abt any of this on upcoming visit?
    This is such a struggle and so taxing – making plans to visit negatively overwhelms the days and months before and after, and takes hours from our lives – so upsetting. Of course I would chose no contact forever with SS if parent wasn’t there. Please help
    Thank you for this site and the great info and advice – it definitely helps, and it was quite validating that the evil things that have happened were actually “true” and calculating and spiteful…and not me being confused or that i did something wrong..

  • #39777


    Hi Jed
    What country are you in? The state of play depends on the law on adult mental capacity. In the U.K., if your parent is deemed to have capacity and accept the situation, there is not anything you can do. If however your parent is a vulnerable adult, lacking capacity (people can be vulnerable and have capacity, in which case see my earlier point) then you can request legal support. It’s very difficult. I guess people probably haven’t replied because they don’t know how to help you? I am not even sure my reply helps you move forward. I guess you can talk to your parent but from looking after elderly people in this situation, they often just seem to have their own quiet ways of dealing with it and just ignoring the kid they love / hate and living around them, but often a parent’s love for the dysfunctional kid will conquer as most parents will always give to even their adult kids as it’s genetically programmed in. Be prepared that you may not get an answer that you hope for. Xx

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