How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › End of the road, spirits are low
March 21, 2021 at 9:40 am #65508onlyme1Participant
Its hard to put 20 years of abuse in short so I’ll just go with where I’m at now!! So coming to the end of a mentally abusive relationship with a covert narcissist and this is the most painful time for me as I’m in the discard stage and really struggling with my feelings at the moment. I found out that he’s been in a relationship with someone else for about 5 years, it was casual and would spend the night with her probably once a week, they went on day trips together and restaurants etc… obviously lied to me and told me he was with friends. This was extremely hurtful to me although I should have known what to expect from him as he’s cheated in the past. I blame myself for alot as I tolerated too much over the years. I’ve asked him to be respectful to my feelings and not spend his time with other females until he has left the home but he’s just doesn’t care, literally at all. He threatens me with money etc.. when we get into an argument about him still being here having relationships under my nose. He pays no keep, nothing for food, rent, gas etc.. its all on me, doesn’t help with the kids. He has a bad gambling problem so rarely has money but did use to pay his way, he just slowly lowered my expectations until now I cant ask for anything, not even some basic human decency or respect. I’m at a complete loss, I just don’t know how to stop feeling so low with myself. I have come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and I cannot wait for him to leave but in the mean time whilst I wait my mental health is declining and I have never felt so low in my life. I have no motivation to do anything to help. Can just about gather the courage to get up everyday, take the kids to school and get some work done. I feel like that’s a struggle on a good day. I suppose id like to know how anyone else dealt with feeling like this, what can I do to shake these emotions of complete lows, so desperately need to pick myself up. Thanks for reading.
March 21, 2021 at 2:24 pm #65509Donna AndersenKeymaster
onlyme1- I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. You feel awful, and given what you’ve been through, your feelings are totally justified.
It’s important to honor your feelings. In fact, it’s appropriate to feel what you feel. Feeling the pain offers you the opportunity to get it out of your system. When you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain, you stuff it down inside of you and it festers, creating more problems later.
However, you do need to function and take care of your children. You need to throw the guy out and figure out how you will move forward. So I suggest that, for now, you set up time limits on how long you will allow yourself to feel, and then when the period of time is complete, force yourself to do what you need to do.
It will be helpful to continue to educate yourself about sociopathic personality disorders. I can tell you that his behavior is not your fault. Nothing you ever could have done would have made him treat you better. He is what he is. There is no rehabilitation.
Remember, getting him out of your life must be your decision. He will continue to use and abuse you as long as you allow it.
Please do what you can to be good to yourself during these difficult times. It may feel difficult, but do your best to eat well, get some sleep and exercise, even if it’s just walking. Get rid of any obligations that are not absolutely necessary. You need to focus on yourself and your children.
We have lots of information on Lovefraud to help you.
March 21, 2021 at 8:19 pm #65519
Onlyme1, sending you HUGE HUGE hugs hon!!! 💜💜💜
We have all been exactly were you are now…lost, confused, exhausted mentally, emotionally & physically. It’s a nightmare…
but, you will survive this nightmare and you will once again THRIVE…
it doesn’t feel like you will ever see the bright light at the end of this dark tunnel…but you will.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW.
Donna is correct you need to kick this guy to the curb that is the only way you will have peace in your mind, body & spirt.
They create so much chaos & drama INTENTIONALLY!! The want to exhaust their victim that way the vicitms feel stuck…but, you are not stuck.
Keep reading everything here on this amazing website Lovefraud…this will save you hon..all your answers are here in Donna’s endless articles and also in the comment section.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…WE HEAR YOU…WE ARE HEAR FOR YOU!!
First step is you need to call your National domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counslor. In the USA 800-799-SAFE if not in the USA just google. ANd call.
Ask them foR:
1) help with a Safety & Exit plan out of this toxic abusive relationship.
2) ask them for local domestic abuse center numbers AND CALL THEM!!
SET UP A MEETING AT YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTRE ASAP!!
GO…dont be afraid..dont feel embarrassed just GO.
DO NOT TELL THIS GUY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO THE ABUSE CENTER..
DONT FIGHT WITH HIM…he wants you to fight to have control over you REMEMBER THAT…bit your tongue…walk out of the room…go to the store or go to the bathroom & pretend you are using the bathroom… just dont argue with him.
GET YOUR HEALTH IN ORDER…the stress you have been under & are going thru right now your health is suffering…like anyone in a toxic relationship..
you most likely are suffering from PTSD…
LOOKUP ADRENAL FATIGUE. ORG AND DR LAM. COM LOOK FOR THEIR SYMPTOMS LIST…adrenal fatigue I believe is part of the PTSD that needs to heal…right now your hormones cortisol & adrenaline are EXTREMELY HIGH and flooding your brain so you cant think clearly…same happend to me.
look up: Super Juice me documentary you tube = if you can add a few fresh juces into your diet = flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals = will calm your body.
If you are not on any Rx drugs look into Epson Salt baths = magnesium = calms the body (check with your doctor first)
Tell your most trust friends & family what is really going on and ask them for help..dont be shy to do this…they will help you…you need help like everyone leaving a toxic relationship with a sociopath.
Keep venting here it is part of the healing process.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…KEEP REACHING OUT WITH YOUR NATIONAL & LOCAL ABUSE CENTER ASAP
Do not tell him you called them…remain silent about you getting him out of the house.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW…IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE ALONE RIGHT NOW…EVERY VICTIM OF A SOCIOPATH FEELS THAT WAY IN THE PLACE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW…BUT, YOU FOUND YOUR WAY TO LOVEFRAUD…THERE IS SO MUCH SUPPORT HERE…CALL YOUR LOCAL CENTER = THEY HAVE TONS OF SUPPORT…TALK TO YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS.
ONE OF THE first things a sociopath does is isolate their victims from their friends & family so reconnect with them & talk with them and ASK FOR HELP.
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS HON💙💙💜…keep posting here!!!
March 21, 2021 at 8:26 pm #65520
just wanted to add…
I’m at a complete loss, I just don’t know how to stop feeling so low with myself.
What you wrote is a clear sign that YES you are in a very emotional & mentally abusive relationship…everyone feels this way when you are in the sociopaths tornado…me included. I felt like I did not know which way was up and which way was down..that’s how much my ex manipulated my mind with all his evil mind games.
Like Donnna stated…feel your emotions…cry, this is part of the healing process.
keep venting here hon…we are here for you!! 💜
March 21, 2021 at 8:38 pm #65521
Donna, has phenomenal videos up at the top of LF and also on you tube. Also up at the top is her bookstore (excellent books) if you order a book have it sent to your most trusted family member or friends home or even a close neighbor.
Clear your computer history after reading lovefraud etc. Stay safe. Dont let him know you know he is a socipath for your safety & your childrens safety.
are you married to this man or are you just in a long term relationship with him? (if you dont mind me asking just so we can help you) but if you rather not anwer it’s ok.
March 22, 2021 at 1:12 pm #65523
you can get epson salt at your local grocery store in the pharmacy section or at Walmart in the cosmetic section approx $5. Read the directions. Take these baths at night then go to bed…epson salt is magnesium and it will relax you or help you sleep also you can take a vitamin/mineral magnesium supplements at night before bed.
Look up the benifits of Epson Salt baths & magnesium mineral. Check with your doctor first if you are on Rx drug especially blood pressure meds!
April 6, 2021 at 6:21 am #65565sept4Participant
Hi Only, I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
This was very recognizable for me: “he just slowly lowered my expectations until now I cant ask for anything, not even some basic human decency or respect.”
It’s an awful decline into dysfunction and emotional abuse where at the end you are so desperate to see even a tiny glimpse of just the most basic decency. It’s a crazy situation and looking back later you won’t be able to believe that you let someone take you down that low.
Unfortunately the only solution for these toxic abusers is to leave them and get away from them. They don’t change and will only abuse you more and more as you lower your boundaries lower and lower until nothing is left.
Wishing you strength in leaving him and building yourself back up to health and happiness and peace without him.
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