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Failed at No Contact

This topic contains 14 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Synergy 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #39545

    jaybird
    Participant

    I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for over 7 years. I will spare you all the details of the abuse. I’ve tried to break up with him on several occasions. I used to jokingly tell my friends that the only way I would get away from him was electric shock or a lobotomy. I was looking online at some reading material and saw a book with exorcism in the title, (Exorcism — Purging the Narcissist from Your Heart and Soul). That got my attention. I started reading the book immediately and couldn’t believe how it was describing so much of what my life was. I continued to read book after book to educate myself and now better understand what I have been going through and why I have never been able to get away from him.

    We lived together for several years. I’ve packed his stuff and moved him out twice. But I’ve always taken him back. Most recently we broke up on New Year’s Eve. That was around the time I started reading and learning about narcissism. I attempted for the first time, No Contact. I got rid of my cell phone and deleted my facebook account and often I would unplug my house phone. I began to systematically get rid of everything that reminded me of the narcissist. He still showed up at the house or found other ways to get to me. There may have only been a few days of true “no contact.”

    He tried to “hoover” me with different methods, a few of which I have read about in different books. I ended up seeing pictures he posted of himself and his new “love” on facebook. It didn’t matter that I deleted my account. People would tell me about them and on Valentine’s Day I was out talking with friends and I they showed me and I looked. Big mistake. He told me that he put all that on facebook so that I would see. Long story short (and I mean long), I let him come back. Even with all the people that have seen those pictures and have seen all he has done to me, I let him come back.

    I am scared and anxious. I have been sick to my stomach at times with anxiety over this. I am going to counselling and taking anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I only hope that educating myself will help me not be manipulated (at least as much). So far, I see it for what it is, manipulation and I try to not to react with emotion that is the fuel (narcissist supply), he wants. Which also may mean he will try harder.

    He says he is going to give our relationship “150\%”. It hasn’t taken long for the devaluing to begin again. The only thing is, now that I have educated myself and continue to do so, I see what he is doing differently and I react differently. It does still hurt and I want to react but I haven’t.

    I see this is an addiction. After a few incidents this weekend, I can’t believe I have taken him back. I still want to have hope though. It’s so hard to believe the person I have spent so many years with is intentionally evil. In everything I read, there doesn’t seem to be any hope. Everything says go “no contact”. I failed miserably with that and wonder what is going to happen next.

    I started reading a book about disarming the narcissist and saw a bunch of negative reviews and warnings that this never works. This was so discouraging to me. It led me to wright this post. I feel like I am not strong enough or ready to go “no contact” again. It seems like there is no hope. If he would just leave me be I think I would be ok. But now we are back together again for another round I guess. How do I get through this?

  • #40283

    Synergy
    Participant

    Dear jay,

    Yes, this was hard for me to believe too: ” It’s so hard to believe the person I have spent so many years with is intentionally evil.” I remember the first time I heard this — it was abusive men/people in general. It was in an abuse recovery group. The group leader said, “These people know EXACTLY what they are doing.” I was stunned. The one I loved was planning all these terrible things he was doing to me? In hindsight, it all makes sense now.

    Another thing I’d like to offer — did you know that for addictions such as smoking, it often takes a person several tries — over the over — to break themselves of the addition? Some people can do it cold turkey, but few, I think, can do that. Each time they break off the habit, and then succumb again, they learn, they learn, they learn, till they “get it down” and are able to quit.

  • #40284

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Jaybird, hugs to you!! It’s hard to break free from them! Know this..but also know that you are fully aware of his evil & manipulative behavior..this is a HUGE STEP towards your freedom from him!! So pat your self on the back for researching narcissism abuse!! This too is a HUGE STEP towards your freedom from him!

    Please know that it takes on average 6-9 times to leave an abuser before a victim leaves for good. But I believe that it’s only because the victim does not know about narcissistic abuse & sociopath abuse. So you are ahead of the game hon. You are taking steps to open your mind up from his brain washing words!!

    KEEP READING EVERYDAY ABOUT NARCISSIST! WATCH DONNA’S VIDEOS UP AT THE TOP OF LOVEFRAUD HERE UNDER THE VIDEO TAB. Watch the videos EVERY time you feel weak and want to take him back. Or if you are upset crying, sad, angry…come here & READ, READ, READ.

    Narcisiist & socioapth literally brain wash their victims with words!! You know his words are lying manipulative cunning words…you know that you can not trust what he says.

    Remember the old saying every time he talks:

    Actions speak louder then words!!

    His actions are telling you exactly who he is, his words are just backing up his horrible actions.

    DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

    Do you know that lying is emotional & mental & verbal abuse?

    Do you know that devaluing a person is abuse?

    Do you know that omission is abuse?

    Do you know that cheating is emotional & mental abuse?

    DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

    Ask yourself that question every time you are with him!! Look at him and think to yourself:

    Is he abusing me?

    I would highly recommend that you contact your countries National Domestic Violence Hotline asap just to talk with a free counselor to under stand that the bulk of domestic abuse is actually Emotional, Mental, Verbal & Financial not physical.

    Yes, this is true. Most physical abuse does not occur typically until the vicim is ready to leave or has just left her abuser. SO it is vitally important to have an EXIT PLAN & a SAFETY PLAN ready for your next no contact with him.

    The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you with both of these plans. You can also google those words & also look on you tube for videos about these plans.

    In the USA the hotline number is 800-799-SAFE

    Ask the counselor for local abuse center numbers and GO!! Dont be embarrassed to go to get free counseling and also join their free women group meetings where you will learn that not only are you not alone but you can also hear others stories of abuse just like yours so that you can see that you are being abused!I went & I can tell you from my own experience it was one of the best things I did to free my self from my sociopath husband.

    You deserve so much better then what you are settling with by being with him. You have only so many precious years on this planet DONT WASTE THEM WITH AN ABUSER!! SET YOUR SELF FREE HON!!

    YOU CAN ESCAPE HIS GRIPS! YOU ARE STRONG!!

    HUGS TO YOU!! We hear you! We Believe you!

    Take care

  • #40292

    cyndyinaz
    Participant

    Hi Jaybird,

    comments by Synergy and Jan 7 are awesome, so I am not sure what I can offer, but I just wanted to say that I think it is awesome that you are applying yourself and learning so much about your narc and about being in a relationship with one. Learning is a process – just think – from what you have learned – you are a step ahead from where you were before you broke up last time – you are more aware of what is happening – the manipulation – the games he plays – the devaluing – and I think this makes you stronger.
    Maybe with your new knowledge, experiencing it from the perspective of knowing that it is, being able to call it out in your head and process it, all of this will help you move to detachment and acceptance, and I mean accepting that his behaviors are willful and intentional – that he is essentially evil and his brain isn’t capable of the things your brain is capable of – such as empathy and remorse – and he will never “get it” because of that. A hard pill to swallow – I know – I am at that point too.

    Maybe going back and having to go through this to get to the point of accepting that he was a sham – phony – selfish user – will keep you from being vulnerable in the future to his manipulation – or even to anyone else’s manipulation. You will be stronger. You will have more insight into people. You will not fall for superficial charm and you will recognize compassion and genuineness. they are sneaky and shady and know how to fool people – nice people get fooled and don’t expect this because they are nice, which is not a bad thing – but now you will be one step ahead (hope that made sense – it’s late)

    Have you read Psychopath Free – that is a good book as well, by the way.

    Wishing you the best.

  • #40295

    Synergy
    Participant

    Thanks, cyndyinaz. You wrote to Jaybird: “You will not fall for superficial charm and you will recognize compassion and genuineness. they are sneaky and shady and know how to fool people – nice people get fooled and don’t expect this because they are nice..”

    Sigh. All I can say is, maybe get other “opinions” and other friends’ and family “intuitions” and impressions of any new guy, once you are free again. And take these friends/family very seriously. If you become entranced, heavily influenced, swept up by love — take these people very seriously, and consider breaking off at the beginning. Bad examples of when I did not do that:

    1. One husband’s former girlfriend told me, early in my relationship with the guy, “If he ever tells you he made a lot of money, don’t believe him.” Red flag red flag red flag….and of course I paid absolutely no attention.

    2. The more I learned, the better the sociopaths got at fooling me. My suspicion is that they saw the “new me,” the educated me about people like them, as a greater challenge to “break me.”

    It would have helped me a lot if I’d’ve known people to evaluate these people before I got into real relationships with them.

    3. If you get into fights with the guy, drop him. I got into fights early on with guys. Since I grew up in a home with a lot of fighting, it seemed normal, and I did not leave right away. Big mistake.

    4. It was not till I was over 60 years old before the pattern stopped.

    I hope you learn effective self-protection better than I did, and before you get to be 60.

  • #40301

    cyndyinaz
    Participant

    Jaybird and Synergy,

    Jaybird – Synergy had lots of experience and insight – I am like you, in the learning process. Thanks for that insight Synergy – especially the part in which you say – each time you became more knowledgeable about their behavior, the better they got at fooling you – very good to know.

  • #40302

    Synergy
    Participant

    cyndyinaz, thanks for our appreciation of my post/s. As for this … it’s certainly not true for everyone!!! “each time I became more knowledgeable about their behavior, the better they got at fooling me” I know that some people find their kind, generous, etc life partner, the second time around! Not everyone is as stupid? vulnerable? as I was.

    Another thing that really, really helped me — well, first of all, I never read the Religion page in the newspaper. But the ONE TIME I did, a minister wrote something that is SO TRUE, and I never knew this. He said, “You can forgive someone, but that not mean you have to have them IN YOUR LIFE.” Well, would forgive and forgive and forgive, and believe it was fine from then on. Not! This minister’s insight opened a whole new door for me.

  • #40303

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Jaybird, It was extremely difficult for me to get away from my ex psychopath. What eventually motivated me was the damage that he was doing to my minor son.

    The stress and anxiety you experience will not go away as long as you have contact with your abuser. He wants you to feel stressed and anxious and he is doing everything he can to make you feel that way; and he may be blaming you for how you feel.

    Consider making a plan to get away and to have no contact. You can always go back to him, but consider giving no contact a chance. Once you get through the beginning stages that are so difficult, you will likely think more clearly, be happier, and eventually you won’t want to have anything to do with him.

    When you joke that it would take a lobotomy you are recognizing the control he is exercising over you. You might consider asking friends to help you stay away; or getting a restraining order in which case you would be breaking the law if you contact him.

    Can you move to another community, take a job overseas? My next door neighbor, an RN, went to Africa to work for a year after a relationship she was in failed.

    Once you’re away from him, it’s a good time to read books about spaths, but the key to success is first priority to get away from him and maintain no contact.

  • #40304

    Synergy
    Participant

    Regarding going to Africa, I went there one time when a husband got a job working for the government of an African country. If anyone here does consider moving overseas, I urge you to be extremely careful, exp. if you go to a Third World (under developed) country. You could get trapped there by their government and never get out. They might take away all your US or other first world valuable dollars, and exchange it for worthless local money.

    Most of that really happened to us, except smooth-talking me got myself out, and I later had to pay thousands of dollars to get him out. (The whole trip was his idea….guess who got tricked into moving??) I contacted the office of our state’s Federal senators, and also Ted Kennedy’s office. Senator Ted Kennedy’s office helped get him out. Also, some of the African countries — and Balkan and southern American and who knows where else — are in a perpetual state of war, or genocide. Bites from poison creatures can kill you — poisonous fish if you step on one, insects, and I don’t know what. Tropical diseases. There were people we met there who were dead a few weeks or months after they got there — one by an industrial accident that may have been sabotage, and the other by a deadly disease, leaving her distraught husband there alone. I myself was sick for four months — in bed — after I got back. No doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. I was tested for just about everything imaginable. We were all afraid I would die. Even after the low-grade fever wen away I was still too weak to work, for the total of about one years. I now have to wonder if all the zillion inoculations that were required to go there (that is, if I wanted to return to the United States) may have given me some sort of auto-immune condition, but of course I don’t really know.

    IF you want to work overseas be very careful that you work for a REPUTABLE organization known in your own country. There are lots and lots of organizations that would just love to lure you into one of their programs — and they can seriously mislead you, as to how much money you’d earn, how much buying power whatever you are promised to earn, what kind of housing and living conditions…who knows what. Some companies will build a savings account in your own home country, for you to have when you return home. This is MARVELOUS and something you might want to negotiate for.

  • #40306

    lovablemd
    Participant

    Hi Jaybird, remember me…first…I am back at 0 of no contact myself. You are not alone, ever. I finally admitted to my sister that I was still talking to him. When I thought that I had blocked him, something went wrong with Sprint and yesterday I wake up to a text from him. I cried a lot yesterday. I thought I had blocked him, but didn’t. I wanted to test out that it had worked. So, I texted him everything I needed to say to get closure for myself. He saw everything and just didn’t respond. I was so confused.

    Anyway, for the people that are still attempting to go no contact, we are in a “comfortable” situation, meaning we are used to it. So while it isn’t normal to people looking in, it is to us. It is a merry-go-round. I agree with many things everyone has said. I did notice that you are blaming yourself and probably for everything. Saying the world Failure, sets yourself up to FAIL. You are already in a negative situation and being more negative is just what these narcissists want.

    The guy in my life is all calm now, we don’t fight, but I am still an emotional wreck. He thinks I am mad, so he still wins even if I don’t talk to him. Looking back at what he said to me yesterday, my “rant” looks “crazy.” “Are you mad, like always. I was going to come over, but then I saw all the stuff you said and was like never mind.” If he were a normal man, he would address my heart felt cry for wanting to be treated better, but he doesn’t care.

    We have to grieve for the “idea” of the relationship, of what it could have been (my therapists words). We need to lose hope that they cannot change, but we are “trauma bonded” to these men. We have an emotional connection that is hard to break because we feel so deeply. The fact that we allow the abuse (for me anyway) may say that I don’t love myself enough and it could well have been way before him too.

    Keep your head up and look yourself in the mirror and say, “I am worth it.” Hugs!!!

  • #40307

    Synergy
    Participant

    loveablemd, you wrote in part: “We have to grieve for the ‘idea’ of the relationship,” then you added “what could have been.” Rather than the last part, I would say “what I thought it was.” We were in love with WHO WE THOUGHT HE REALLY WAS — and that is and was NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REAL HIM. A beaufitul and heartrending song we sang in high school choir was “Falling in Love With Love:

    Falling in love with love, is falling for make believe.
    Falling in love with love is playing the fool.
    Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy.
    Learning to trust is just for children in school.

    I fell in love one night when the moon was full.
    I was unwise with eyes unable to see.
    I fell in love with love, with love everlasting,
    And love fell out with me.

  • #40308

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Jaybird, seven years is a long time. Outside of my family of origin, I have never been in a relationship that has lasted that long. There is a lot of bonding that has gone on during that time, and those feelings must run their course. No one can say how long it will take to grieve. It’s very individual. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. There are people here who have been involved with disordered spouses for 25 years. I cannot even imagine what that would do to a person and how it would change their brain chemistry.

    I do know from the experience I’ve had with certain men that after a while, bad behaviors become normal, and you get into this desperate plea to try and get them to start caring and stop hurting you. This alternates with periods of feeling like you are not good enough and then the hopeless feeling like this is the best it can get. This is how your mind keeps you stuck.

    The important thing to know is that you alone can decide your self worth. But if you find the right counselor/s and supports, they can help mirror to you what you are worth, as well. Once you know his behaviors are just not good enough for you, and you know you have to leave, it will feel like you are having to bite off your own arm to get out of a trap. The emotions are strong and will pull you back. They will tell you that you are committed for life, that he is your husband (even if you’re not married), and that bond will be very strong. It takes an enormous act of will to walk away into the unknown and trust that you will get over him and find love again. Your mind knows the truth. Your heart will eventually follow your mind, but it takes time to heal. I wish you the strength to walk away and claim your life back. Take comfort in knowing you are not the only one going through this. You are now part of a community of strong people taking back their power.

  • #40309

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I wanted to share a little bit more, and rather than writing an article, I will just put it on this very relevant thread. I am currently on the verge of breaking up a two year relationship with someone I love very much who is not a sociopath. (For those who don’t know me, it’s been 8 years since I left the sociopath who drove me to find this site.) I have abandonment issues, so to find a man who is loyal and committed is a treasure. And yet he is not quite the right person for me. Our goals and values don’t line up. We come from different walks of life. We don’t communicate well and can’t seem to compromise on our basic needs. It’s incredibly painful because I don’t “have” to leave. Many of you who are with sociopaths “have” to get out to save your lives. I don’t have to, but if I stay, I won’t be happy and I will be settling. It has taken me two years of indecision to realize that I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than to settle. I know my worth and what I want from a man. My head says it’s not working. My heart is very attached. Life is short, friends. I am 56. I may find a man who cherishes me and treats me the way I want. And I may never. But one thing is for sure, I will never know if I stay where I am. I want a great relationship or none at all. I hope in any way, this story can help anyone having a hard time walking away. You are not alone. This break-up is one of the more painful things I’ve gone through. It may not be about a sociopath (this time) but pain is pain. Sometimes you just gotta put your big girl panties on and step out into the uncertain unknown with a big hole in your heart and self doubt buzzing in your head. I believe we can all reinvent ourselves if we have the guts to try.

    Many years ago I was diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder. Borderlines have an amplified fear of abandonment. I’m glad to report that I am finally bigger than my fear of abandonment. I no longer need to stay in a relationship past its expiration date. I am willing to walk away. Funny, I am not afraid to be alone. I love being alone. I’m afraid of being abandoned, which is very different. And by walking away from this guy, I will be triggering my own abandonment that I spent so much of my life avoiding. It’s pointless to run away from fear because we always get more of what we’re afraid of until we turn and face the fear.

    As this man is not disordered, I have not ruled out that perhaps one day we will be on the same page and can try again. But I can’t wait for that.

  • #40333

    jaybird
    Participant

    Thank you all for the feedback!

    I have felt so alone. Your comments help me know that I am not alone. Still, I wonder what the future holds. We’ve been back and forth for the last 1-2 years. Every big blow up, it’s “the end.” But it’s not really. This last time I really tried to end it. It was the first time I really realized what I was dealing with. Although it is very hard to accept.

    The last break up was the first time he publically dated another woman. He put her pictures on facebook and introduced her to friends, etc. I feel that people think I am crazy for taking him back especially because of all that. I feel ashamed even with my own family. I am probably projecting my own shame on myself. There have been several times when he has done something and I have said “this is the end.” Something does feel different this time though.

    Stargazer, what you said rings so true for me:

    “Once you know his behaviors are just not good enough for you, and you know you have to leave, it will feel like you are having to bite off your own arm to get out of a trap. The emotions are strong and will pull you back. They will tell you that you are committed for life, that he is your husband (even if you’re not married), and that bond will be very strong. It takes an enormous act of will to walk away into the unknown and trust that you will get over him and find love again. Your mind knows the truth. Your heart will eventually follow your mind, but it takes time to heal.”

    I wonder if I will ever be able to walk away. I don’t know if I will ever have the strength.

  • #40334

    Synergy
    Participant

    Dear Jaybird — one thing that I have learned is, when any partner is abusing you — at the very time or shortly after the particular incident ends, ask yourself, “Is this the way I want to live the REST OF MY LIFE?” Maybe that will help you see your future!!!!!

    One of the hardest things for me, when I tried to leave, was that I was fearful of living alone. I rationalized, “Women and men are ‘supposed” to be together. That’s the way the world is!” I did not want to be like “those women” who had freed themselves of men. I thought “those women have no sex drive. I do.” On and on. Well, two things happened — one, I did live alone for a few years, and was pretty much okay. But I am a woman who needs a man in her life. Two, luckily for me now, I do not have sexual drive, for some reason. Very glad to be rid of it, as it pushed me into bad, bad situations. I have found a man my own age, who also is not interested in sex. We do not live together – another priority for me — he lives a 10 minute bus ride away. So we are great friends and do a lot of things together…lots in common.

    If you are highly sexual, the advice at this forum will help you, I hope, find a partner w ho will not mistreat you. Addiction to a man is what we want to avoid. That’s what I got, when I was sexual.

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