November 10, 2019 at 5:09 pm #55050leilaParticipant
After days of feeling trapped in my own thoughts and many nights without sleep, I discovered this forum and would like to tell me story…and hopefully receive some advice!
This is really difficult for me, as I have never told anyone…and the story makes me feel very ashamed and also pretty much crazy.
Two years ago I was at a work event with my colleagues, where we stayed overnight. At this point I was engaged to be married for about 1.5 years, and had been in a long term relationship for the past 12. I knew that something wasn’t right with my relationship, but I loved my fiance very much nevertheless. My boss, who is my age and married with one kid (let’s call him “B”), asked to come to my room to talk about a business related event and once he was there, he kissed me. I felt very uncomfortable but I ended up kissing him back. He of course tried to advance further, but I stopped him and he left. After this he started writing me text messages, and I started writing back…he asked a lot of questions and was incredibly sensitive, interesting, and made me feel like the most beautiful and most fascinating woman in the world. I began feeling less uncomfortable but was ridden with guilt, that I was texting B.
This man is incredibly charming, friendly, a deep thinker and a very intelligent person. A classic gentleman. For the first time in my life I felt like someone really “saw” me, right to my innermost core. We had an incredibly deep connection and feel in love with each other. At least, it seemed that way to me.He told me that he saw his wife as just a “friend” and was forced to stay in the marriage because of his child – he told me that he grew up without a father, and that his stepfather abused his sister and this was his way of ensuring that the same thing doesn’t happen to his own child. We began having an affair. I was plagued by guilt and had never in my life looked at another man whilst in a relationship. I knew that I loved my partner, but it felt like my partner was not attentive to me, my feelings, or my thoughts…and here was a man that “saw” me and that was earth-shatteringly loving and supportive.
I didn’t know what to do and B started subtly influencing me in ways to leave my partner as I was trying to figure out what to do. He would be very hurt and sad when I was with my partner, and began telling me that he needed a woman at his side who only needed him. He said he needed a strong woman, and I was being weak-willed. He started showing up at my door, and following me as well as my partner. When I told him I would be going somewhere he would secretly show up there and began being horiffically jealous. On the other hand, he was very loving and attentive, and I felt very much in love and “needed”. He was always supportive when I needed him and would do everything to be with me. I felt completely enveloped by his love. I also felt that he completely opened himself up to me. I was incredibly confused and felt horrible about myself and eventually broke off my engagement.
B told me that he could not leave his wife, and made me feel crazy and insensitive for suggesting he speak to her and tell him about his feelings – he told me I was being egotistical and only thinking about myself. He said I needed to think about his child. The only thing I am 100% sure of is that he is a wonderful father and loves his child very much.
A few months later he told me that, since knowing me, he had slept with his wife twice. And the last time, she became pregnant. He told me that he slept with her because he felt sorry for her…and he needed to ensure that she was happy, so that his child would be happy. I needed to believe him, so I did. He would send me photos of the baby and tell me that I should be happy that she is doing well. When I couldn’t express any joy, he said he felt like we were “drifting apart” as my reactions meant he now couldn’t share a part of his life with me.
It had been about 1.5 years now since this whole thing started and I was falling into a depression. I felt sad all the time,lonely, confused, and I didn’t know what was right and wrong, and whether he was telling me the truth or not. I really did feel egotistical and tried to understand him and his fears for his daughter. I felt addicted to him and I feel he really does love me – I can’t understand anything that’s happening!!!
Then, I got pregnant. His first reaction was a complete breakdown, saying that he was scared of losing his family and how this would influence his kids once they grew up. A few days later he apologised and said that he had panicked – and that if I wanted to keep the child, he would always be its dad. I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and he was there every step of the way, being very supporting.
Last week, for the first time, I caught him in a small lie and finally had “proof”. His initial reaction before I had proof was one I had seen many times before – guilt tripping me, making me feel like I was being irrational and hurting him with my accusations, so that I began doubting my own gut feelings. After I confronted him with the truth – he apologised profusely and said he didn’t have a choice, he was only trying to protect me.
I feel completely insane and very sad and don’t know what to do. I feel like catching him in this lie must mean that he has lied to me about everything from the get-go …and this makes me feel abused. I also feel like he does love me – how can it be possible to be so loving and look at someone with such love, if this weren’t true?
I don’t know how to let go, as we work together. I also don’t know how to let go, period. I love this man.
November 10, 2019 at 5:25 pm #55055
leila- Pychopaths are great actors. They can pretend to care. You mght read the advice on Working in the same place as my ex.
November 10, 2019 at 8:52 pm #55058polestarParticipant
Hi leila –
Thank you for sharing your very intimate story. I will endeavor to walk you through the different issues to the best of my understanding. Please remember that anything that I may write only has the intention to be helpful to you. Soooo – the first thing that comes to mind is that there are many emotions that you will need to process and what you have gone through is very overwhelming. At this point, I get it that you are still involved with this person and that you love him. Just so you know, until you are no longer in a relationship with him, it is almost impossible to do the processing. But you do need to go step by step to make a decision about how to proceed. From the get go, I need to be upfront to tell you that it is my opinion that you would be saving yourself from tremendous suffering if you do stop the relationship. I will try to influence you to do so, and yet I respect that it is your life and that you need to make your own choices. In any case, where you are now is a place called “ ambivalence “. You are actually neither in nor out of the relationship – this is because you have both grave doubts about your partner while you also love him. Now to analyze him for a moment. His being married is obviously a problem. Regardless of his excuses, and his wish to be a good father, still – he is being very unkind towards his wife to lie continuously to her. She, I am sure, feels a kind of emotional rejection and yet probably feels stuck in the marriage because of the children. From your side of the equation, you are being expected to share your relationship with her. This in itself brings suffering because you won’t be able to share the lifestyle of joys you would want with someone you love. You won’t be able to share New Years, Christmas, or any special occasions. He gets to have all of that, he gets to have his children and he gets to have sex with his wife, and he gets to look forward to growing old with her – plus he gets you too! Plus, he expected you to give up your relationship with your Ex and he could display all this jealousy, but you are expected to be only loving and accepting of him. Quite a disparity of power ! Now we also have to face reality and what you want out of your life – it is obvious that he will not leave his wife or his marriage. So perhaps you might wish to be married one day. You are using up precious time with him that you could be ( first of all healing from the ordeal ) and then taking time to re-find yourself …. and then try to begin again. The longer you stay with him, the more emotions you have to repress in order to keep harmony with him. So when you do get out of the relationship, you will have more and more of an emotional backlog to deal with. On some level you know this, and so you end up splitting away from some resentments you probably feel towards him because of the unfairness etc., and so the love you feel is way out of proportion as a way of coping ( this is just my point of view with what I have learned ). I also realize that he is your boss, so this is another problem because if you do decide to end the relationship, most likely he will be angry and make it very impossible to continue at your employment. Which would probably be best for you anyway. In terms if he is an actual psychopath or not is another question, and I don’t have enough info to know. But that is a possibility, and if so, then you would definitely need to vacate ASAP! But either way, the situation as it is, from my point of view is untenable. As for the feelings of love that you are experiencing, it is what many many of the participants here have also experienced. There is a psychological phenomenon called “ intermittent reinforcement “ in which the partner switches from the most loving and charming person imaginable to someone who is really mean in many ways too. This confuses the mind and emotions, and people end up dismissing the negative and embracing only the love part. I’m sure that you can see how psychologically damaging this can be. But many courageous participants have faced the truth and have gotten out of abusive situations, even though they did have to deal with the emotional fallout. Not easy, but totally life saving in the end. Healing does happen, and the relief and happiness is wonderful. Well, that’s all for now. Please let me know if you have any questions or feedback about what I have posted for you. I know it is not easy to be going through what you are currently. Hang in there. We’re here to help.
Blessings to you
November 10, 2019 at 10:27 pm #55059Jan7Participant
Hi Leida, I’m so sorry that you are tangled up with this manipulative cunning sociopath! YES!! His behavior has all the trade marks of a sociopath.
The first thing that stands out with your post is the fact you state you are so “CONFUSED”!!!
This is one of the first things most victims write in their first post. I too was confused. My mind was so twisted up by my ex husband (a sociopath) when married to him. Confusion is a tail tale sign that you are in a domestic abusive relationship.
What do sociopath’s ultimately want?
Power & Control over others.
Typically it is very stealth manipulation like you stated. Like spilled milk on a counter slowly going into all the cracks.
This guy manipulated you from day one!! He knew that he could push your boundaries (what all sociopath do) if he said he had to come to your room for business. His intention was sex with you that night.
He pressured you to break up is all control & power over you & your ex boyfriend. Sociopath love power & control over others.
My ex husband created on me continuously at the time I was so stressed out from the daily chaos & drama that I could not grasp this fact. But, when I left him & found a knowledgeable counselor I told her I though my ex had cheated on me 8-12 times. She told me it was more likely to be 3 to 4 times that amount as that is what sociopath do = serial cheater.
You most likely were not the only one he was cheating on his wife with. And know this he was manipulating his wife daily not to leave him. He was spinning her head away & breaking her spirit down so that he could control her & have power over her.
When I finally escaped my ex h, I found out he was cheating on me with 3 women in two different states (possible 2 more but did not have proof with those two). This after I caught him in a two year affair with a co worker years earlier. He begged me to stay with him.
After I found out that he was a sociopath by that counselor. I did a lot of research. Here is some facts I found.
83% of wives file for divorce not the husband
87% of married men when caught with a mistress, want to stay with the wife not the mistress. Of the 13% of the men that do leave their wife for the mistress the BULK of those relationships do not go long term. Why? because there was no foundation of love with those relationship.
The reason why I am sharing this with you is so you can see this guy was using you. AND this guy is also using his wife. This is what sociopaths do = they are USERS.
They use everyone for something. Sex, money, a place to live, fun to mess with someones mind, car etc etc what ever you have they want.
What this guy is using on you is “Pity me manipulation” and “Gas lighting abuse” do a search on these terms here at love fraud.
If you are still working with him…start finding a new job without him knowing!! SERIOULSY…get him out of your life. Right now you can see how dangerous he is = showing up & harassing you. This is very scary. This is the length they will go to not to let a captured victim escape their evil grips.
Know that you should not have any shame or embarrassment with being trapped in a sociopath con game. I know that this is extremely painful for you. I can read your pain in your post. You stated that you were not intereted in him coming to your room & kissing him. My ex did the same thing. He showed up at my home (Love bombing me) when I had zero interest in him & I was dating someone. he did not care. He asked me if he could “kiss me”…I said “NO” firmly, he kissed me anyways.
Sociopaths drive right over our boundaries. They do not care. We are taught to be respectful to others & we really are not taught to say HELL NO GET THE HELL AWAY FROOM ME…but this is what you have to do with a sociopath.
What do you do now??
IMPOSE THE “NO CONTACT RULE” with him asap if you are not working with him
If you are still working with him then you need to follow the “gray rock method”. This for two reasons. 1) Your safety!! this guy is dangerous 2) because you do not want to get fired and have that on your resume.
Right now do not engage with him in any argument. Do not become hustle towards him. BIT YOUR TONGUE. play a game without him realizing it. Say that you are sick and cant seem him or have to help your family/friends.
Also, go to your local abuse center asap. Get help with a free counselor & free woman group meetings they really do help to open your mind to the brain washing he has been doing to you. In the USA you can call the National violence Domestic hotline 800-799-safe to get local abuse center numbers. Ask them for help with a Domestic Abuse Safety & Exit plan out of this dangerous relationship. Remember he does not want his wife to know that you were/are having an affair with him. I also want you to know that he is having regular sex with his wife. Not just go get pregnant. My ex h & I had weekly sex and theyn he travelled and had a co worker he was having an affair with on their weekly travel trips & had other women side.
Look up these terms here at lovefruad. Education is key to getting your mind open & breaking the addiction he has formed with you:
Gas lighting abuse
Sociopath smear campaign (this is what he most likely been doing at your office already & will do with his wife or has done with his wife incase you ever call her)
Sociopath triangulation (what he did with you & his wife keeping you separated)
No contact rule
Grey rock method
For your depression (which almost all victims end up with anxiety, depression, sleep issues, mood swings, panic attacks etc) look up symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. See sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. Most if not all victims suffer from PTSD and it sounds like you are too. Look up the free documentary on you tube called Super Juice me. Get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency, cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, thyroid etc All issues with stress and adrenal fatigue. My Endocrinologist doctor game me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins 4 times a day (see Adrenal fatigue .org site). Both of those sites have books & your library may have books too. I have zero affiliation with these sites.
I would also recommend that you read Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. Look up at the top of love fraud at the list of “Lovefruad course” there is one with Steven Hassan cult expert that you might want to watch. This guy is your cult leader & you are his cult follower. How do you break this bond? KEEP READING & EDUCATING yourself. Vent here when you need too VS contacting this sociopath.
You are going to survive this. It feels like hell right now. But, with time & following the No contact rule or grey rock method your mind will open up to the truth. that he is dangerous to your mindset.
Please know the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive is when she is about to leave or has just left.
Sending you huge hugs hon. 💜💜💜You will thrive again. Be kind to yourself now and make steps to get out of this relationship.
Take care. 💜
November 10, 2019 at 11:30 pm #55060
Leida- Jan is right on.. What psychopaths do is use people. There is a book titled The Other Side of Charm by H. G. Beerly where she talks about the abuse behind the charm. I hope you can make an exit plan to get away from this man and have a healthy life.
November 12, 2019 at 8:28 pm #55090Donna AndersenKeymaster
Leila – I am so sorry for your experience. I recommend that you keep reading Lovefraud, because you will see your story repeated over and over again.
I’m afraid that the guy is a classic sociopath. What you need to understand is that sociopaths are not capable of love. However, they are very capable of pretending to be in love, and because they are such good actors they are very convincing.
What you experienced is not love; it’s seduction. He seduced you for his own purposes. What are they? Probably he was bored with his wife and wanted an adventure. He wanted the game of reeling you in, convincing you to leave your partner, and then staying faithful to him — while he was still with his wife!
This is profound betrayal, and it hurts. If you seek therapy, please be sure that the therapist understands your situation — not all of them do.
Sooner or later, you’ll probably need to break off the relationship, and find a new place to work.
It will be hard, but you can get through this.
November 17, 2019 at 11:28 pm #55147tammilynnParticipant
With the exception of one thing, your story is so very much like mine. I would love to exchange emails with you & talk with you further.
I don’t get on here much, but would love to share my story with you.
The way my ex has devastated me is something I never want to happen to anyone else.
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Donna Andersen.
November 17, 2019 at 11:37 pm #55148
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