December 1, 2019 at 10:04 am #55267
This is the latest of an 11 year encounter with female I suspect is a sociopath. After months of no contact I caved in and replied to a text she sent saying ” I Miss You” We ended up meeting, she seemed to have her head together and we actually got along great for a few months. She talked of introducing her son to me, doing things with him and it began to seem like we after all this time we could have some sort of a future. We spent what time she had free together, the sex was amazing as always. She’s a very beautiful women, passionate and fun, I was living the dream so to speak.
The one negative was a crazy ex of hers that would not leave her alone. In a previous post I tell of him putting a GPS tracker on her car, showing up at her work or her house. He also left “gifts” on her porch and once a huge heart shaped rock in yard. Nearly every time she and I talked, something he did that day would come up.
Myself and what friends of hers who knew of this were all very concerned by this guys behavior. One night in bed she said to me ” if anything ever happens to me, make sure they know who did it and that he pays” On another occasion she asked me to make sure her son was doing ok if something bad happened to her. I loved this girl to death and I took those words to heart.
One evening I was expecting her to visit after she finished having drinks with friends. Around 9pm she sends a text saying she’s on her way. Knowing she wasn’t far from my place I started to worry when she didn’t show up. I sent a text asking if she was okay, no reply. I went outside ready to go look for her and I can hear a women screaming” get away from me, leave me alone” I see head lights in my shop parking area that is some distance from me. Not knowing who or what was going on I grabbed my shotgun and drove to my shop.
When I arrive, it’s her screaming. The physco has pinned her car into my parking area, the two of them are involved in a physical altercation and she is screaming “he took my phone” I yelled to him to get off from property, he ignored me and continued to struggle with her. I then displayed and loaded shot gun yelling once more for him to get in his truck and leave. That got his attention, he tore his own door handle off trying to get in the vehicle eventually making his way to the passengers side and he left the scene.
She had been drinking and was extremely upset because he had stolen her phone. We went to my place and called the police. We returned to the scene and waited for an hour for them to show up. When they did finally show they asked for our side, I told them the truth that this guy had assaulted her on my property, stole her phone and that I removed him from the property as peacefully as I knew how.
That settled, she asked about the phone. The officer said that they had found him, search him and his truck and that he did not have the phone. She and I both told the officers that he had definitely taken it, she brought up the fact that she had a PFA against this guy that had ran out and briefly told of other troubles he had caused her.
What happened next I can never forget. The officer interrupts her as she’s telling her side and says ” if this guy has been such a problem, why are you still sleeping with him? ” The cop went on to explain they looked in the physcos cell phone, there were several text messages from her indicating the two of them were involved romantically and that she had actually invited him into her house. The officer said ” it appears to me as if you were playing this guy and pointing at me have now dragged this poor guy into it also”.
My heart sank, I was both angry and embarrassed for her at the same time. The police took our names and numbers and left shortly afterwards. I took her back to my place, in shock of what I just heard. All she seemed concerned about was her phone, I sat speechless and listened to her carry on. Finally she turns to me and says “that asshole just ruined my life, I understand if you hate me and don’t want to talk to me anymore” I try to explain that I am simply in shock of what I just heard, that I can’t believe she would have done this. I explain to her that all the evidence she and I had collected against this physco was now useless.
Crying, she gets in front of me and basically begs me not to give up on her. She is frantic that now her name will be in the paper and everyone will think what a horrible person she is. She tells me that ” she can fix this” That she and I can have a ” real relationship” involving her son and family. I honestly try to forgive her and move on from this and with in the first week she begins to back pedal on everything she said.
She brought her son to my property once, never introducing us just basically using my pond for a few minutes and then left. With in a week of the episode the phyco puts up post on his FB basically admitting he had her phone. He tries several times through FB to bate her to his place to get it back, when that failed he tried to convince her that he had cracked her pin and knew everything that was in the phone. Going against what I told her, she herself posted quotes directed at him on her FB.
Needless to say things were never the same between us, I know now that I had lost most if not all respect I had for her. The FB games continued, trying to keep a step ahead of what this physco might do next I watched page daily. Though she and I are not friends on FB I also looked at her public posts. She has sworn she isn’t in contact with him, however she post this to her page one day. ” A women could love you death and never speak another word to you, remember that” Keep in mind she and I spoke or texted each other several times a day, so this was certainly not directed at me. On an other day she briefly posted and the removed a picture of a tear with the words ” I miss you” Again, I had said these very words to the day before this in a text and she never replied, so why was she posting this on FB.
When I questioned her, she instantly got angry with me for looking at her page. Next she tried to explain she knew I had looked at her FB and posted it for me. The physco was at her page everyday often coping and the reposting the same photos or quotes that she had. Her posts were direct hints to this guy to keep trying. After an argument between her and I, she accused me of damaging her car. I explained to her that would be pretty stupid of me seeing I was the one who bought and installed the security camera in it.
I offered to help her recover the data from the camera, I expressly told her to unplug it to keep it from over writing the information. When I pulled the data from the card, she had done the exact opposite as it was on when she handed it to me. The only data was from that evening, her car sitting idle for hours until at the end her and a males voice can be heard discussing plans for the following weekend. There is a pause and it’s clear by her expression after that they were holding or hugging each other. She explains this away as the guy being her long term friend she had been drinking with. At this point I don’t even care who it was, I am intent on finding who damaged the car.
I was able to access the files on the card that had been over written, no data of course but the dates they had been recorded were all in tact. The camera was turned on and recorded every day since I installed it, except for the two day son the weekend this damage occurred to her car. At first it appeared as if someone tried to break in but when I got a better look it certainly seemed as if someone punched it near the electronic door lock. At any rate, she never reported it, never called the insurance company and she definitely went out of her way to make sure the camera in the car had no useful data.
To all her friends and family this women comes off as the perfect parent, great job and responsible. She’s beautiful beyond belief and just seems to always end up with dead beat guys who end up being mean to her. The sad truth is, even the physco was probably a good guy at heart. She toyed with his emotions just like she has every other man she’s been involved with and he was just crazy enough to take it to another level. She’s been to counseling, she admits to being attracted to men she knows are no good for her or her son. I would consider both myself and the father of her son as good people, she’s done nothing but use, cheat and lie to both of us since I have known her and she’s done so to be with some very sketchy men.
Thanks to anyone has stuck it out and read this long post. To all who are going to say remain no contact I know and believe me she won’t make that part easy.
December 1, 2019 at 6:15 pm #55269Donna AndersenKeymaster
Gotmeagain – I am so sorry for your experience. But I think it has reinforced the truth that you already knew – she is playing all of you. It’s what she does.
So how do you maintain No Contact? You must commit to doing what is best for yourself. You cannot wait for her to let you go, because she will use you as long as you allow it. You must decide that you are finished, block everything. If she manages to get through – using a new email address or phone number – hang up on her and block again.
Choose yourself. That is how you get out of this.
December 2, 2019 at 2:32 pm #55276polestarParticipant
Hi ridged –
You are an extremely kind person and demonstrated that by the many things emotional and physical that you provided for your ex. Thank heavens that the policeman was able to substantiate what your ex was really involved in, so she couldn’t continue to hoodwink you with her lies. Her horrific abuse to you is beyond reprehensible. I know that you have gone No Contact, and that you have the motivation and determination to stick to it. Yet, I understand how much you must be suffering from being betrayed. You gave your love and that space was filled in response with only darkness. So now comes the journey of healing to restore your love and your wonderful, kind spirit. You will most likely go through many negative emotions ( like anger etc ) on your way, and that too is part of the process. Learning about psychopaths is also part of the process. They just twist a normal person’s mind up and cause confusion and so much distress which is so disturbing. You sound like you have the means for entering into therapy. It would not be because there is anything wrong with you – I would recommend it because you suffered a terrible trauma. If you could find a therapist who specializes in psychological abuse, that would be best. Those therapists who don’t “ get it “ are less than useless and can even be detrimental. So I hope that you will seek a therapist who can help walk you through your healing process. There is no need to go it alone and you deserve all the kindness to come back to you which you so generously gave. You have gone through so much, and know that your heart will be restored.
December 2, 2019 at 4:26 pm #55281
Thank you all for reading and your response. Counseling is probably not going to happen for me, as much asI agree it could be helpful I don’t have the insurance for it. This has been going on with her for over 11 years, what I posted is the tip of the iceberg, an abbreviated version of the nonsense she caused and the nonsense I tolerated. I said that she will make NC difficult and will, my best and only chance of it is to leave the area.
December 2, 2019 at 4:52 pm #55284SunnygalParticipant
In his book The Gift of Fear Gavin de Becker in chapter 8 talks about dealing with people who won’t let go. You might look at this.
December 2, 2019 at 6:28 pm #55295Donna AndersenKeymaster
Ridgid – leaving the area is a good idea. I know of lots of people who make that choice. The longer you are away, the better you will feel.
December 2, 2019 at 7:03 pm #55296
I have thought about it a lot Donna, I left once before because of her. While visiting family back here I ran into her totally by surprise. She convinced me she needed me, I moved back here to help her through a divorce. She thanked me by moving an abusive old boyfriend in with her before the papers were even signed.
December 4, 2019 at 8:59 am #55315jottyParticipant
I feel for you immensely, it is soo hard to detach emotionally with somebody you are soo attracted to & that you think is beautiful, passionate and fun ! And I think we put up with so much from the people we’ve fallen in love with even though we know they also have a horrible side, are selfish, disloyal and never stop hurting us!
It’s only when you can come to terms with knowing that they probably will never change & never see the good in you over the bad exes or who ever might make her tick in an emotional way!
Untill I read stories on Love fraud and Donna Anderson’s book, I was in total denial that my partner was a narcissist/sociopath . He could be so loving , caring & was soo handsome, the bad behaviour he showed was overshadowed by how much I found him so sexually attractive & gorgeous That i could not imagine enjoying Sex or being so attracted to anybody else in the same way. I had no contact for a year almost, then he came back into my life again for 3 months (he made the contact & apologised for some of his bad behaviour! However, due to me phoning a woman he moved in during our time apart, he accused me of causing trouble and said he did not trust me and didn’t want to see me anymore after basically saying let’s get married.
I think he was just keeping his options open.
I feel I need therapy to try and understand and come to terms with this terrible relationship !
Good luck with getting over her & moving on .
Yes prob good for you to get away and start afresh mentally !
December 4, 2019 at 1:16 pm #55325
“However, due to me phoning a woman he moved in during our time apart, he accused me of causing trouble”
The person I was involved with used this same tactic with me. She would herself be up to no good and often times use some very minor thing I had said or done to vindicate what she was doing or about to do.
thank you for your input
December 4, 2019 at 4:03 pm #55329jottyParticipant
Your welcome ! Take care
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