How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Having to continue working with a sociopath I was dating and living with
October 10, 2022 at 6:17 pm #68793
Not sure where to even start with this. Long story short, I was 10 months out of a relationship with a diagnosed narcissist that I had lived with for a year. I escaped that relationship by leaving with no word while he was at work. I was working on myself, and doing a fairly good job of healing. I moved, started a new job, and was working on healing. In walks a charming, charismatic, genuine appearing man who is 20 years younger than me (I am 56, and he is 36). He is one of our vendors that comes to my workplace. He pursued me, and I agreed to hang out with him. My plan was to just hang out, and not move forward in a relationship way. He pursued me heavily (which I now see as love bombing, and should have recognized from the narcissist relationship). I grew to trust him very quickly, he pushed to spend more time at my place, and no matter how slow I wanted to go I got talked into moving quickly. After three months, he called it quits out of nowhere (I truly did not see it coming). He talked about going to therapy (went a couple of times, and found many excuses to not return). Needless to say, the treatment from him went downhill quickly. Now, I get the joy of having to see him during work every few days when before he didn’t have a lot of time to be there (he has an assistant), but now that I have gone no contact (blocked his FB, his phone, his email) he is showing up at my work more frequently. My boss knows the situation, but I have no support at work to request that he not be allowed to come there anymore and only have the assistant come. Just when I think that I am making headway, he shows up, and I feel like I slide backwards a few steps. There are days I do great after he has been there, and I feel strong, but there are days where I don’t. I don’t in anyway want him back, and I see him for what he is and what he did (he took all of my trusted information and used it against me in the beginning). He is suppose to be moving back to his home state when they find another assistant to help the other one, but there is no end in sight, and it may be a few months, or another year before he is gone. I am struggling with even staying at my job. I just want him to go away. Thank you so much for listening. I so needed to find this group of others that understand.
October 11, 2022 at 11:07 am #68796
uffda713: It sounds like he is purposely taunting – or stalking – you. Do you have to interact with him when he comes to the office? If not, then find someplace else to be when he walks in – someone else’s office, the breakroom, the bathroom. Get your coworkers on your side, if possible. They can warn you if he does show up so you can disappear or be busy with other things.
If you do have to deal with him, maintain your professionalism and give him the “grey rock” treatment – deliberately avoid eye contact, show no emotion, use as few words as possible. He is looking for a reaction. These types ALWAYS feed off drama/trauma and they seek it out. In his warped world view, he “wins” by goading you to a reaction. Don’t give it to him.
If you think he is stalking you, report this to HR. Be factual and honest – how often he shows up now compared to before you were dating; how he interacts with you that is different than before; how it makes you feel. You say you have no support, but management will have to listen if they think there is a credible reason for concern, so it is important to be professional and honest, but not emotional. Ask to be moved to a part of the office where he can’t go; ask for an escort to your car; ask that they request someone else from his company to visit the office instead of him. Remind them that you have a right to a peaceful workplace and this man is deliberately creating turmoil and that you may have to leave if nothing is done. Keep records daily for proof in case this has to go to arbitration.
In the meantime – congratulations on the work you have done to get back to normal. It is never easy to realize that someone you thought you cared for is not real or genuine – or safe. Stay strong and keep reading here for more information and help. Blessings to you.
October 11, 2022 at 5:56 pm #68800
Uffda713. Tina Swithin in One Moms Battle talks about gray rock and yellow rock where you have to have contact with the narcissist. She also suggests words to use. You might check it out. Blessings to you.
October 11, 2022 at 7:32 pm #68801
emilie18…Yes, I have to interact with him to a point when he comes to my work. I have been doing the grey rock with him. I don’t look at him, I keep the interaction very short, and only answer with the bare minimum. If he tries to make it more personal, I literally walk away from him. My manager has offered to let me go work in his secondary office when this sociopath shows up. I do have a few co-workers that will let me know when he is in the building if he does not come through my area for me to know about it. I realize he knows exactly what he is doing, and wants to get a reaction out of me. I hope everyday that they will get someone hired to help his assistant, and then he will move out of state and completely out of my life. Thank you so much for your response. It meant a great deal just to have someone acknowledge this insanity.
sunny.gal1….Thank you for the response. I am definitely going to check this out!!!
October 13, 2022 at 12:11 pm #68805polestarParticipant
Hi Uffda – first of all, you are doing great and have been right on track for a long time. There is nothing wrong with being a trusting person, and when you found out that the person you were involved with was a jerk ( I like to call those narcs just “ jerks “ because that word takes away so much power from them in our mental life – but I digress ), you took appropriate action. But now you are in a difficult situation, not of your own doing. My advise is to look for another job. Even while in the process of looking, it will give you a sense of personal empowerment because you will be active and not feeling like you are trapped – seeing him is just too much of an unhealthy situation for you. Or find out if you can get switched to a different department at work, or another branch if they have one. The truth of the matter is that synchronicity is a reality and when you start to look and try to find ways to get out of this situation, it will amaze you how things will just open up for you. I have seen it happen in my own life so many times that I know it works. Take positive action and do not allow the jerk to have even one iota of space in your life.
October 13, 2022 at 4:12 pm #68808polestarParticipant
Hi again uffda – I got another good idea for you. When you see that he is coming in, then put on one of those Covid masks and sunglasses. That physical barrier will do much to enhance your grey rock and you might just find that you will feel a good sense of separation from his negative influence.
October 13, 2022 at 8:31 pm #68809
Uffda. Good idea by polestar! Blessings to you
October 13, 2022 at 8:49 pm #68810Jan7Participant
I’m so sorry that you have to endure this emotional & mental pain at the hands of this manipulative evil socioapth at your workplace.
What is happening with him coming to your offices is you are being “triggered”. This is stressful to deal with these types of triggers.And, triggers are very common for victims of abuse…it’s PTSD.
When I was getting divorced just having to open mail from my lawyer or his was a trigger and would send me back into the emotional & mental abuse memories that I endured during my marriage. Even the courts did little to help me dealing with my ex abuser. They would put us in the same room for “required negotiation”. Even though my lawyer in the beginning had me file in the reason for divorce was “abuse”. It was so incredible stressful.
I know it must be for you too. Is it possible that you talk to your boss about maybe handing this account/guy to another employee to handle and you take one of your coworkers accounts to manage? This way you would never have to see him.
I would also suggest that if you do have to deal with him then document everything from date/time & what that you talk about with him on that day in a jounal not on your company computer. If you have a trusted close coworker tell that coworker what transpired also so that, that person is a witness. If he crosses the line in any way. go to your boss and tell him what transpired. Make sure first you are able to gain your composure before going to your boss. Then follow up with a email to your boss about your discussion of what transpired. Keep a printed copy of this email to your boss at your office/home. DOCUMENT everything with this evil sociopath at the office.
THese sociopaths will easily use turn the table on the actual victim and make them look like the victims. I have read many accounts of situations like yours where the true victims was manipulated into a relationship with the socipoaths (even though they did not want a relationship) only to be dropped and the sociopath starts dating somone new and gets the true original victims fired.
Look up here at lovefraud: Sociopath smear Campaign and socioapth triangulation = these are some of the evil tactics they use to get the true victims hated by their coworkers and fired.
PROTECT yourself by documenting everything. If your boss is not responsive then you can go to HR. But, the thing about HR it is not set up to protect employees it’s set up to protect the company. So if you have to go to HR then you might want to hire a Employeement lawyer just to go in for 1 meeting just to set the tone that you are there with a lawyer just to protect your job and yourself from this evil man that the company needs to becareful having him in their company.
I think you are doing a amazing job dealing with this socioapth at work. You have educated yourself on who he is and what he is capable of doing. BRAVO…pat yourself on the back hon. This is a great place to be that you can see thru his manipulative games!! I’m proud of you. NOT LOOKING AT HIM AND WALKING AWAY FROM HIM = BRILLANT!! You have taken your power back from him by doing these two things!!
These evil sociopaths literally can use trance and hypnosis with their eye steer. look this up on the net = SO CRAZY. Not looking at him = your gut instinct knows this. I like the sunglass idea that would really piss him off. lol
Stay strong…you have strong gut instincts. Wishing you all the best. take care. 🍁🍁🧡
ps to deal with the stress you are under look into Epson salt baths (this is magnesium which calms the body) which can be found in the cosmetic bath section of walmart $6. Take a bath before bed because it really relaxes you and premotes sleep. OR you can take magnesium mineral pill (found in the vitamin section of grocery store/walmart/health food store) take before bet. If you are on any RX then check with your doctor first. Most adults are deficient in magnesium. look up yt vids benifits of espson salt baths and also magnesium.
October 14, 2022 at 4:30 pm #68811
polestar…Thanks so much for all of the good suggestions. If my manager is not available, then yes, I am the one that has to deal with him. I don’t ever look him in the eye, I answer as briefly as I can and keep it professional, and walk away. I don’t know how much help my work will be because he has gotten in pretty well with the higher management. I’m hoping I can just deal with it until he moves out of state, but yes, he definitely triggers me each and every time that he shows up. It has gotten better, but it always sets me back a few steps. I am weighing all of my options and deciding what is going to be best for me and MY welfare.
jan7….great advice. I have been documenting every time he is there, and the interaction. I could see him in the long run trying to claim something against me, and then I look like the bad guy. I have also been trying to make sure that there is a co-worker around when I do have to interact with him, so at least I have a “witness” so to speak.
All of you have been great! And that is very much what I need right now…..those that understand this side of things, and that it does happen to people.
October 20, 2022 at 12:57 am #68836
Uffda Hope things are going well. blessings
October 22, 2022 at 1:57 pm #68841
October 29, 2022 at 9:03 pm #68866
Uffda. Hope you are doing ok. Blessings
November 1, 2022 at 5:59 pm #68952
sunnygal1…..I’m doing ok. I had to see him everyday last week at work. UGH! And then again yesterday. He made a point of ignoring one of my coworkers who knows the situation and trying to head him off, but he ignored my coworker and came to talk directly to me. My work isn’t much support. I’m looking for another job, but as you get older the options become more limited. I’ve given notice on my apartment (where he lived with me) because I need to get away from the memories. Maybe if I can change at least one out of the two areas, then at least I would have a new “home” to go to that doesn’t remind me. It will be a safe haven for healing so to speak. Even though I have seen him frequently, my thoughts about him have changed considerably and my healing is coming along the way it should.
November 1, 2022 at 10:28 pm #68954
Uffda. A move would be good if you can find a good place for a good price. It sounds like you are detaching and that is good. Blessings
November 2, 2022 at 2:34 pm #68959
uffda713: Congratulations on your progress! I love your statement “my thoughts about him have changed considerably and my healing is coming along the way it should.” I hope you continue to find peace and keep being good to yourself. Not sure this would work when he targets you, but you might try wearing a wedding band or large engagement ring and flash your left hand… or decorate your desk (if he can see it) with “Congratulations on your Engagement” cards… Just twist the knife a little. I remember my Mom saying she saved get well cards to put on the mantle when unexpected company came over so she had an easy excuse for the messy house! She was brilliant, my mom.
November 3, 2022 at 11:30 am #68961
Uffda. You can always come here to vent!
November 14, 2022 at 7:02 pm #69037
*UPDATE* He came into my work today to let me know that he will finally be moving soon. BUT, he also had to stand there and talk to me. I wasn’t able to walk away this time, soI gray rocked him the entire time. I continued to work on what I had going at my desk, didn’t look at him one time, and only answered “okay” and “sure”. Here is the good part…this is one of the things he said to me. “I don’t understand what I ever did to you”, “You won’t even acknowledge me when I come in, and you’re doing it right now”, “I gave it my best until my best just wasn’t good enough anymore”. CAN YOU SAY MANIPULATING BEHAVIOR?
I don’t miss him, but I do recognize that I miss what he was inauthentically representing in the beginning what I was looking for. That is one of the things that I still struggle with after having seen him.
Yes, I came home after a long day and cried my eyes out. Not so much for him, but for the trust that I have lost. I know it is more about trusting myself, but how do I trust others again? I have lost so many people in my life over the past 12 years since my divorce, and I feel very alone and lonely. I’m tired of so many fake people out there.
Thank you all for reading/listening.
November 15, 2022 at 3:17 pm #69041
Good for you on the Gray Rock! I bet that drove him crazy – thus the snide and manipulative remarks and “Poor Pitiful Me” attitude. I snorted when reading “I gave it my best” and “What did I do to you”. What a clueless b&#^*ard! Yep – he wanted to make YOU the bad guy. And congratulations for NOT giving in!
As far as trusting goes — well, I am still struggling with that and it has been almost 8 years. I have to check myself when I get those feelings and ask “Is this real or in my head?” “Has this person given me any reason to doubt?” And always, I proceed very cautiously with new people. I used to be a very open and trusting person, wearing my heart on my sleeve, sharing bits of my life, my innermost feelings with all – but not so much any more. I DO keep a journal to emote and confide and vent and it really helps. But I only let a very few very trusted people in..safer that way. And this forum is VERY safe because it IS anonymous, so I vent in here when I need it. So – lean on us.
In the meantime, stay strong. Healing from this type of betrayal and disappointment and heartache takes time. Even though you don’t miss him, you are still mourning the “what could have been” and that is just a real as can be.
November 16, 2022 at 7:58 pm #69059
So I have to figure out what to do. He came into my work again today, and waited until he could get me alone to talk to me. Since he is finally moving, he has asked me a couple of times for the key that I used to have to his townhouse. I DO NOT HAVE THIS KEY! I have told him that I don’t have it, and that I have checked my apartment to make sure. Today, he asked me about it again and when he can expect to get it back. Also said this to me “am I going to have to come ask for it everyday?” This is at my workplace. My answer to him was this….you can do that if you want to take it to that level of harassment. He turned around and walked out. I know he will actually make it a daily event because he feels entitled to act and behave however he wants.
My options are to go file a report at the local police department, and then take that report to my HR department. I think that would be the only thing that would get him to stay away from me. He is suppose to be moving finally in a couple of weeks. I cannot go for a few weeks with this harassment, because that is what it is.
And he always makes sure that he talks to me when he knows I’m alone, and will stop talking about anything personal as soon as someone comes into my area.
Any other suggestions are welcome.
November 16, 2022 at 9:44 pm #69060
Uffda I would say going to the police will bond you to him and make it worse. Just keep telling him you don’t have the key He wants to upset you so don’t go there. He can change the lock on the door. Find a way to care for yourself if he visits. Get something that means good luck to you. Get a special plant for the office. Post here after he leaves. Take good care.
November 17, 2022 at 6:21 pm #69062
Uffda I thought if he gave you the key and it is lost you might tell him you will replace the lock. Not sure how much that would cost. A thought. Take good care.
November 20, 2022 at 6:54 pm #69091
Uffda. Hope things are working out for you. Let me know.
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