Having to meet again

[skytteq]

It’s been 2 years since my last contact with my step mom, but the effects are still clear. How on earth can a person have such power over another human being?

My dad is still entangled in her web of lies. He has cut contact with his family and friends – including me. Even lost his job! I know I should feel sympathetic of his situation, but honestly I’m so angry with him.

The last time I saw them was at my grandmothers funeral. My stepmom had never met her, but she managed to attract all the attention. Even walk just behind the casket, which should be for her closest family. She was smiling at my sister and I all the way through the ceremony. She had won and managed to make my dad stop all contact with us.

I had promised myself not to engage in her drama, but I was boiling inside. My reaction was exactly what she wanted.

In June I’m going to a family wedding. I know they both will be there and honestly I’m already dreading it. I’m extremely ambivalent about by dad. On one hand he is my dad and I love him. On the other hand he has let me down so many times through the years and then finds HER and let her destroy our family.

Even two years after I cut all ties to her, she manages to make me nervous. If she knew, it would make her day! I feel physically sick just by thinking of the upcoming wedding. My sis won’t be able to come, so on top of everything else I feel alone.

[Donna Andersen]

sqytteq – I am so sorry for your situation. Perhaps you can try to clarify how you feel about your father. You said that he let you down over the years – was it because he was self-centered and couldn’t be bothered with you, or was it because of weaknesses or circumstances? Is he like his new wife – or is he being brainwashed and manipulated?

If he is self-centered and perhaps even disordered, you may want to keep your distance from both of them. But if he is basically a good guy who is under the control of a sociopath, if you want to help him, the best thing to do is to try to maintain contact with him.

In any event, I suggest that you work on processing the negative feelings towards your stepmother. you should do that no matter how you feel about your father. If you’re angry at her, do something to get rid of the anger – punching bags are a good option. If you are sad – allow yourself to cry.

When you get the emotion out of your system, it allows you to feel centered. And this will help you get through the wedding.

[skytteq]

Sorry for the late reply. I myself has started seeing a therapist for my own personality disorder and as a result I’ve been extremely tired.

My dad hasn’t developed emotionally through the years. He is a nice person and a pleaser, but as a result always fall for the wrong women. Since his marriage to my mother he has been with 3 women. The middle one was wonderful and ‘normal’. The others are clearly mentally ill. The first was my stepmom from when I was 11 to 21. She was jealousy of my sister and I. We saw our dad every other weekend and had no contact with him in the meantime. Even though she was with him every day she felt jealous. Her mood ruled what we could or couldn’t do. If she didn’t get her will she would threaten to commit suicide. At one point I was commited to a psychiatric hospital for 2 months. I told him I didn’t want her to visit. Because of that he wouldn’t come either. I AM HIS DAUGHTER! Every so often I would hear a snide comment about him not liking me or something like that. He finally broke it of with her. But with wife no 3 I find myself missing the first one!
She is definitely a psychopath! Drama everywhere and she finds every bodies weaknesses and finds a way to make them upset.

It is extremely hard on me. My father is obviously a victim, but because of our history I’ve rage towards him. In therapy I’ve discovered that I’m unable to allow myself to show emotions. I sleep, self harm or drink to feel numb. My father is a huge part of the reason I am what I am.
In a week and a half it’s time for the wedding. My feelings aren’t changed and I haven’t had time to talk about it during therapy. To make matters worse my therapist quit her job, so I’m getting a new one tomorrow. Already being a person who doesn’t want to open up to others – life is hard right now!

Sorry for dumping all this on you. I don’t want to burden my friends with all of this. Or rather: I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to hide and pretend it isn’t real.

[Stargazer]

skytteq, it is very good that you have a place (therapy) where you feel comfortable exploring your feelings. I went through something similar with both my narcissistic parents. They never changed, and I had so much anger and hurt toward them. I hit a lot of pillows, threw a lot of rocks at trees, did a lot of screaming, journaling, and talking to the empty chair. Nothing I ever did or said changed them or made them pay more attention to me. But the good news is that once I got the anger and hurt out of my system, I started feeling better anyway. Eventually, I accepted who they were and was able to forgive them.

You may be going through the acute phase of your healing, but it does get easier. Also, be careful when you label yourself as disordered. I was labeled as a borderline personality in my 20’s and that label stuck with me for many years. It felt debilitating, because as I understand it, personality disorders cannot be cured. Then one day a therapist told me that PTSD mimics the symptoms of borderline disorder. I have since come to realize that I was just operating from a trauma response for much of my life. I will never know whether I truly am or was borderline, but by getting through a lot of my feelings of abandonment, I feel like a normal person with feelings nowadays. I have come to accept my tendencies and know my triggers. There is no pot of gold at the end of the healing process because it is a process. But you can come to know yourself very well, love and accept yourself just as you are, and respect yourself enough to release the pent up feelings. Be very kind to yourself and try to find any safe environment where you can let the feelings out.

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