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I want to thank Donna Andersen for giving me comfort over the past three months. Her insight and sharing has helped me acknowledge the truth, seeking the truth of my injuries, and going “No Contact.” I look forward to healing and letting go. I have attracted three “disordered people.” I recognize I have probably never recovered from a tragedy in my life when I was only 25; I lost a baby late in pregnancy and 8 months later my husband died in a tragic accident. “Prior to Peter”, I was a sweet, loving, traditional, hopeful and inspired by God and loving person. I was a natural leader. I put others before myself and believed the way to happiness was through faith in a higher power, loving my neighbor and always doing what what was right for the greater good. Thankfully all of these characteristics still exist but they have been forever tainted. Recognizing these are the characteristics that helped me partially heal, I still hold on to them, however my trust in all humanity has forever changed. I have raised two amazing children and contributed to raising ten others. I have recently retired from teaching. I have been what most see as successful, but my heart is damaged from what I have allowed to take space in my life. When I say my story out loud, I think, how screwed up I must be to have bought all of the lies that have brought me to where I sit now. As an intelligent person, I question how intelligent I must not be. I have been duped beyond my wildest imagination. When I share my story it’s so crazy, even I have a hard time believing it happened. Right now, I am on a path to healing. I am having good days and then some bad. The bad ones seem never ending, hopeless and lonely. The good ones pull me through and the love in my heart for my children, family, friends and the higher power keep me fighting. Today, I am heading in to a good day. Yesterday not so much, but after a good night sleep a bit more hopeful. It’s a roller coaster. I am thankful to have found Donna Andersen, her wisdom, compassion, and willingness to share her truth and pain to help others.
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My Heart breaks reading your post.
First, what a heart break to lose your beloved husband in such a instant tragic event. I am so sorry for your lost & your heart ache over this event.
I know everyone feels the same way you do when it comes to being intangled in the web of distruction of a sociopath. we all feel “stupid” for letting them in when we say Red flags. Please remember these people are masterful manipualtors who have conned people endlessly & profected their art of manipulation, cunningness & lies.
Steven Hassan author of freedom of Mind (do a search on his name here at lovefraud) and cult/domestic abuse expert states in his book: Anyone & everyone can fall victim to cult whether a one person cult ie husband/wife or a large cult like a religous cult or gang or human traffic cult (they are all the same = leaders are sociopaths/psycopaths).
One of the most likely times to fall vicitm according to Hassan is when you have a life change: such a a death in the family (you), empty nest, new job, a move, going off to college etc.
Why this time? becuase your guard is down while you deal with the changes…for you dealing with the shock of losing your husband….and for you & everyone the lonelness of dealing with change.
I happened to move to another state and was lonely. He & all socioapths are like bird of prey they can spot our vulnerablitly a mile away.
For me, what took the longest time to heal was my regret not listening to my instant gut instinct that I saw he was not normal…me had a mutual friend…so I let my guard down, did not want to date him…but all sociopaths just keep pushing & pushing for what they want..they just steam roll over your boundaries…this is one of the RED FLAGS…to run. When that does not work they try other tachtics…they know the more they push for you to date them the more they can con from you.
Please know you are not the first victim of his ….and sadly not the last. I read that these sociopaths have over 100 victims. Most use the same exact tachtics on each victim. Why? because it worked over and over for them.
I would recommend the book “the Gift of fear” by gavin debecker (donna did a book review so read here review on LF). Also google “Gavin Debecker Oprah video” to see their powerful interview. I read that humans can detect if someone is trustworthy within 3 seconds. So always listen to your gut.We do not need to be nice to everyone.
The book “Getting Love right” by Terence Gorski is an excellent book. A must read for every high school student and adult.
(both of those books may be at your local library either on electonic or hard/soft cover)
the emotional roller coaster of feelings sadly is normal…but, I promise you that one day your roller coaster just stops and you move to normal again. It takes time…it does not happen over night…took me a few years. But, the pain does go away from the events the socioath inflicted on you…you still can get triggers but, you will have the strenght & education with lovefraud/Donna to know how to navigate your feelings during this time.
Let your feelings out now…cry…get angry (not at anyone just feel the emotional)…I never cried so much in my life after leaving my ex h a socioapath. Sociopaths have a way of making us push our emotions down so when you escape them…all of the feelings perculate up…it’s a nightmare to feel these emotions…I hated every minute of this healing processs….but, you need to deal with these emotions when they come up so that your mind can process them & you can move on. Our minds are powerful…our minds know how to heal…just like your skin knows how to heal from a cut.
One thing I would recommend is to heal your body from all the stress you have been under for a long time.
Look up Adreanl fatigue. org and DR Lam.com they have excellent info on adreanl fatigue which we all suffer from after leaving the nightmare relationshp. (I have zero affliation with these sites just part of my healing process I am sharing). Look up on you tube Dr Berg adreanl fatigue.
Also, the free documentary called “Super juice me”…is excellent at balancing your stress hormones which will help you sleep better. And the book Eat to Live by Dr Joel Fuhrman and Dr danial Amen books (your libraary may have them) are excellent…look up their vidoes on line. You need to balance your horones naturally best with good clean food and this will help you heal & sleep better. At least these are things I did.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW HON…you have endured so much heartache and pain…but, you will survive all of this and thrive again. YOu are making amazing steps in your healing…talking with Donna, Reading LF, posting etc. Keep this up, it will all help to heal you.
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting. 🌸🌼🌻🌺
Take care.
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ps just look at how HItler, Stalin and other dictator psychopaths were able to manipuate millions & millions of people. Their brains do not work in the emotional region like normal people. THeir followers were not stupid they were simply use to being around people they could trust so they let their guard down.
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Heartonashelf – congratulations on three months with him out of your life. You are a brave, strong, capable, lovable and worthy woman and you do not deserve – never have deserved – to be treated with anything other than respect. Say that out loud every day until it sinks in. Your statement that you feel stupid and duped and gullible really hit me — I, too, felt very ashamed and guilty for allowing myself to be sucked into a relationship that literally sucked everything out of me. I changed from someone I was into someone I did not recognize – and I could not believe, after the fact, that I allowed it to happen. The shame nearly buried me. It took a while to realize that these types of people are very, very good – and very practiced – at what they do and those of us who have never been exposed to such types – especially at vulnerable times in our lives – NEED to believe their con. It feels good. It touches our deepest dreams and hopes. It stirs up all sorts of hormones and emotions. And even the brightest, most capable, wariest of us can fall for those “feel-good” sensations. Please don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself to acknowledge it happened – as it has happened to so very many others – and let it go. Now you know. Now you are armed and ready and able to recognize these tactics when some other charming, good looking, glib con man crosses your path. Stay strong – and keep posting here — it really DOES help to hear the stories and know that you were NEVER at fault.
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Claiming undeserved military service is heinous in my opinion. My father and uncle served in WWII and my grandfather in WWI. My brothers were in the National Guard and I was engaged to a Marine who, sadly, came back from Vietnam with severe PTSD. The Stolen Valor Act of 2013 makes it a federal offense to falsely claim to have received any of several major military awards with the intention of obtaining money, property, or other tangible benefits. There are many organizations and individuals that help expose fraudulent military claims – stolenvalor.com is one site that comes to mind. If he got his federal job with false claims you might have leverage to win a court case… or, at least, threaten to publicly expose his lies to the companies and people who believed him.
Best of luck! -
Hi Heart, so glad that you found Donna & Terry’s wonderful site. The support here is enourmous in our healing journey. So many lifted me up in my dark days & nights so I am glad to help others. You are going to survive this hon. I know right now you most likely just want to crawl into bed & shut the world out…
But, you are stonger then that and you are making amazing strives to heal.
My advised to you is get your health back before you fight a sociopath in court. They will drag you in & out of court weekly to run up your court cost & he will also weaken you emotionally & physcially all intentionally.. THis is what my ex did in court divorce. It was a nighmare I did not have good health because he destroyed my immune system with all the daily stress & choas he inflicted. Sounds like this guy did he same.
Focus on you now hon. YOu can go after him once you have your mental & emotional strenght.
Look up the you tube video “Dr Danial Amen Depression you tube”…exercise is far better then an anti depressant (according to studies) so keep up your exercise slowly.
There is a lot on you tube now with regards to eating well to flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals = strenghtens your immune system & also gives you a happy brain & calms your nerves etc. This is imperative after having be sucked into the web of a sociopath nightmare.
My heart is aching for you…sending you huge hugs. It is ok to talk to your friends about this…just like you are doing just keep it in small dose for them. But, they are there for you so do not shut them out. We are here for you to. Just come here and vent over & over…it really is part of the healing process. Just type and get it out. you can always delete it or you can right in a journel. Studies have shown getting a problem out of your mind by journeling helps the mind.
Look these up here on Lovefraud:
Sociopath smear campaign
sociopath triangulate
both of these evil tachtics sociopaths use DURING the relationship and after. So he might have already spread lies about you to others knowing that you could expose him once his mask slipped (like it has now). So be careful…sociopaths hate to be exposed so you must make sure you are in a very save place not only physically but mentally. If you can change your locks and get some security alarms and cameras if you can afford them. You can look at home deport or lowes (USA) hardward stores they have good pricing on individual door and window alarms $15 or a whole home package for $150 + that take battery not hardwired. very easy to install. Tell your neighbors if they see him to call the police asap.
Hugs to you. we hear you & are here for you. Keep posting, venting & reading. 💜
if you have health insurance get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency. To help calm your self epson salt baths are excellent fully of magnesium which calms the body> Check with your doctor if you are on rx drugs. GO and get tested for STDs. It’s embarrassing when you do but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I did the same most here do get tested. Lookup Dr Mindy Pelz you tube for healing your body. Again check with your doctor before you make any changes.
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heartonashelf- I am so sorry for the experiences that brought you to here, but I am glad Lovefraud is helping you. It is truly shocking to realize we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and then to realize that they really have no heart and ho remorse.
About exposing him – there are many considerations in doing this, so you need to think carefully about what you want to do. I would say, for the time being, do nothing – except perhaps simply talking to some members of your community if the opportunity arises. I discuss the issue of exposure on these pages – check them out:
Sharing your story of surviving a sociopath helps you recover
Take your time with your recovery. It’s a big blow – especially when it’s connected to other wounds from earlier in your life. You are right – there will be good days and bad days. But eventually, the good days will win out, especially if you commit yourself to doing the healing work that will help your recovery.
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I’m so sorry about your baby and your husband.
Yes falling for a sociopath has nothing to do with intelligence. I have a graduate degree and had a high paying corporate career so by objective standards I am “intelligent” but I still fell into the trap.
It’s because they target trusting kind loving people. It’s not about intelligence but innocence and trust. They wouldn’t target a street smart person who has been through the ropes and who understands how cons work. They target naive trusting loving people. Such people naturally assume good intentions and will give the benefit of the doubt over and over. So they are easy to con.
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As to exposure – at the time of our divorce I decided to stay silent because I knew exposing him or taking any other action against him would trigger his rage and retaliation.
However many years later I did speak out to his sister. I had maintained a good relationship with her but never discussed the divorce with her before. Partially because I assumed she would not believe me and partially because I was afraid of his retaliation. Years later I did finally open up to her and it turns out she already knew. She said he is not a good person and he has disrespected her many times and he only thinks about himself. And she has broken off her relationship with him and has not spoken to him in years.
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As to fighting a sociopath in court – I decided not to, out of fear and fatigue. My ex has money and criminal ties and no morals and no regard for the law. He is extremely unstable and vengeful. I knew he would explode in rage and retaliate if I challenged him in court. I knew he would lie under oath, manipulate or bribe witnesses, hide or destroy evidence, hide or squander money, and drag out the case to run up my attorney fees.
At the time I was severely fatigued and damaged and traumatized and I simply did not have the strength for a war with him. However now many years later I do have the strength and I wish I had not signed any paperwork settling the matter to his benefit. I wish I had not signed anything and had just taken some time off to recover first and only then make a decision on whether to sue. It is too late now to go back but I do now regret not fighting.
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