January 12, 2021 at 8:20 am #64843
I want to thank Donna Andersen for giving me comfort over the past three months. Her insight and sharing has helped me acknowledge the truth, seeking the truth of my injuries, and going “No Contact.” I look forward to healing and letting go. I have attracted three “disordered people.” I recognize I have probably never recovered from a tragedy in my life when I was only 25; I lost a baby late in pregnancy and 8 months later my husband died in a tragic accident. “Prior to Peter”, I was a sweet, loving, traditional, hopeful and inspired by God and loving person. I was a natural leader. I put others before myself and believed the way to happiness was through faith in a higher power, loving my neighbor and always doing what what was right for the greater good. Thankfully all of these characteristics still exist but they have been forever tainted. Recognizing these are the characteristics that helped me partially heal, I still hold on to them, however my trust in all humanity has forever changed. I have raised two amazing children and contributed to raising ten others. I have recently retired from teaching. I have been what most see as successful, but my heart is damaged from what I have allowed to take space in my life. When I say my story out loud, I think, how screwed up I must be to have bought all of the lies that have brought me to where I sit now. As an intelligent person, I question how intelligent I must not be. I have been duped beyond my wildest imagination. When I share my story it’s so crazy, even I have a hard time believing it happened. Right now, I am on a path to healing. I am having good days and then some bad. The bad ones seem never ending, hopeless and lonely. The good ones pull me through and the love in my heart for my children, family, friends and the higher power keep me fighting. Today, I am heading in to a good day. Yesterday not so much, but after a good night sleep a bit more hopeful. It’s a roller coaster. I am thankful to have found Donna Andersen, her wisdom, compassion, and willingness to share her truth and pain to help others.
January 12, 2021 at 2:09 pm #64847
My Heart breaks reading your post.
First, what a heart break to lose your beloved husband in such a instant tragic event. I am so sorry for your lost & your heart ache over this event.
I know everyone feels the same way you do when it comes to being intangled in the web of distruction of a sociopath. we all feel “stupid” for letting them in when we say Red flags. Please remember these people are masterful manipualtors who have conned people endlessly & profected their art of manipulation, cunningness & lies.
Steven Hassan author of freedom of Mind (do a search on his name here at lovefraud) and cult/domestic abuse expert states in his book: Anyone & everyone can fall victim to cult whether a one person cult ie husband/wife or a large cult like a religous cult or gang or human traffic cult (they are all the same = leaders are sociopaths/psycopaths).
One of the most likely times to fall vicitm according to Hassan is when you have a life change: such a a death in the family (you), empty nest, new job, a move, going off to college etc.
Why this time? becuase your guard is down while you deal with the changes…for you dealing with the shock of losing your husband….and for you & everyone the lonelness of dealing with change.
I happened to move to another state and was lonely. He & all socioapths are like bird of prey they can spot our vulnerablitly a mile away.
For me, what took the longest time to heal was my regret not listening to my instant gut instinct that I saw he was not normal…me had a mutual friend…so I let my guard down, did not want to date him…but all sociopaths just keep pushing & pushing for what they want..they just steam roll over your boundaries…this is one of the RED FLAGS…to run. When that does not work they try other tachtics…they know the more they push for you to date them the more they can con from you.
Please know you are not the first victim of his ….and sadly not the last. I read that these sociopaths have over 100 victims. Most use the same exact tachtics on each victim. Why? because it worked over and over for them.
I would recommend the book “the Gift of fear” by gavin debecker (donna did a book review so read here review on LF). Also google “Gavin Debecker Oprah video” to see their powerful interview. I read that humans can detect if someone is trustworthy within 3 seconds. So always listen to your gut.We do not need to be nice to everyone.
The book “Getting Love right” by Terence Gorski is an excellent book. A must read for every high school student and adult.
(both of those books may be at your local library either on electonic or hard/soft cover)
the emotional roller coaster of feelings sadly is normal…but, I promise you that one day your roller coaster just stops and you move to normal again. It takes time…it does not happen over night…took me a few years. But, the pain does go away from the events the socioath inflicted on you…you still can get triggers but, you will have the strenght & education with lovefraud/Donna to know how to navigate your feelings during this time.
Let your feelings out now…cry…get angry (not at anyone just feel the emotional)…I never cried so much in my life after leaving my ex h a socioapath. Sociopaths have a way of making us push our emotions down so when you escape them…all of the feelings perculate up…it’s a nightmare to feel these emotions…I hated every minute of this healing processs….but, you need to deal with these emotions when they come up so that your mind can process them & you can move on. Our minds are powerful…our minds know how to heal…just like your skin knows how to heal from a cut.
One thing I would recommend is to heal your body from all the stress you have been under for a long time.
Look up Adreanl fatigue. org and DR Lam.com they have excellent info on adreanl fatigue which we all suffer from after leaving the nightmare relationshp. (I have zero affliation with these sites just part of my healing process I am sharing). Look up on you tube Dr Berg adreanl fatigue.
Also, the free documentary called “Super juice me”…is excellent at balancing your stress hormones which will help you sleep better. And the book Eat to Live by Dr Joel Fuhrman and Dr danial Amen books (your libraary may have them) are excellent…look up their vidoes on line. You need to balance your horones naturally best with good clean food and this will help you heal & sleep better. At least these are things I did.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW HON…you have endured so much heartache and pain…but, you will survive all of this and thrive again. YOu are making amazing steps in your healing…talking with Donna, Reading LF, posting etc. Keep this up, it will all help to heal you.
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting. 🌸🌼🌻🌺
January 12, 2021 at 2:13 pm #64848
ps just look at how HItler, Stalin and other dictator psychopaths were able to manipuate millions & millions of people. Their brains do not work in the emotional region like normal people. THeir followers were not stupid they were simply use to being around people they could trust so they let their guard down.
January 13, 2021 at 11:23 am #64860emilie18Participant
Heartonashelf – congratulations on three months with him out of your life. You are a brave, strong, capable, lovable and worthy woman and you do not deserve – never have deserved – to be treated with anything other than respect. Say that out loud every day until it sinks in. Your statement that you feel stupid and duped and gullible really hit me — I, too, felt very ashamed and guilty for allowing myself to be sucked into a relationship that literally sucked everything out of me. I changed from someone I was into someone I did not recognize – and I could not believe, after the fact, that I allowed it to happen. The shame nearly buried me. It took a while to realize that these types of people are very, very good – and very practiced – at what they do and those of us who have never been exposed to such types – especially at vulnerable times in our lives – NEED to believe their con. It feels good. It touches our deepest dreams and hopes. It stirs up all sorts of hormones and emotions. And even the brightest, most capable, wariest of us can fall for those “feel-good” sensations. Please don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself to acknowledge it happened – as it has happened to so very many others – and let it go. Now you know. Now you are armed and ready and able to recognize these tactics when some other charming, good looking, glib con man crosses your path. Stay strong – and keep posting here — it really DOES help to hear the stories and know that you were NEVER at fault.
January 13, 2021 at 3:11 pm #64864
To Jan7 and Emilie18, I thank you for your compassionate words, honest sharing and recommendations. It is truly a gift. I shared with my bff I joined this forum and felt as if it would be beneficial to her too. It’s great to have a place to share, with like injured people (and I am so sorry for those injuries for each of you) and know you are not burdening your friends too much. The first four weeks I was physically alone out of state but without having friends to listen to me on the phone, sharing horrific details and discoveries. I’m not sure where I would be right now if I had not had them. They carried me. I am trying to be talking as little as possible now to them about the situation as I feel there is enough going on in these pandemic times than to burden others with my grief. Unfortunately, I have possibly one connection with him I may have to resolve through a lawyer. The break up has already cost me quite a few thousand dollars and he is controlling a situation to maintain control on me still. I may be forced to hire another atty. For now I am trying to take better care of myself…more rest, exercise, etc. although hard to motivate. I am struggling with if I should expose him or not, the feelings associated with that and how to do it in the kindest most compassionate way possible. I do believe he must be mentally ill to do what he has done. Exposing him would protect myself and others. One of his biggest deceptions is he claimed he was a marine for 11 years, an officer no less-Captain. I have confirmation from the National Headquarters of the Marine Corp. he was never in. He gained entry into many circles in our small town, including in to my life with his marine stories. He even works for the United States Post Office as a mailman (for the past 3 years) a federal job that provides him good cover. The only thing I know is true he has no felonies or else he would not have acquired the job. He has escaped the law often. I discovered he is an IV drug user/dealer and has put my health in jeopardy from a life altering social disease. I am truly in such shock, rattled to the core and dumbfounded how shameless and callous he is…I know he never loved me. He used me for housing, social status and a great cover to carry on his desperate need for attention and self serving ways…including infidelity (which was the least of my problems with him.) I am a loving and trusting person and I fear going through this I have lost trust in so much. It’s hard to comprehend these people walk amongst us and are held high, revered and stroked as their paths of destruction hurt so many. My attorney said he would lie in court and get away with it with no consequences. Sad state of a affairs. I am moving quicker towards forgiveness to him than towards myself for believing in him. Anyways I ranted enough. Thank you Donna, Jan7 and Emilie, universe and its compassionates for hearing me. I will wait patiently for the answers and reasons to unfold.
January 13, 2021 at 3:55 pm #64865emilie18Participant
Claiming undeserved military service is heinous in my opinion. My father and uncle served in WWII and my grandfather in WWI. My brothers were in the National Guard and I was engaged to a Marine who, sadly, came back from Vietnam with severe PTSD. The Stolen Valor Act of 2013 makes it a federal offense to falsely claim to have received any of several major military awards with the intention of obtaining money, property, or other tangible benefits. There are many organizations and individuals that help expose fraudulent military claims – stolenvalor.com is one site that comes to mind. If he got his federal job with false claims you might have leverage to win a court case… or, at least, threaten to publicly expose his lies to the companies and people who believed him.
Best of luck!
January 13, 2021 at 7:01 pm #64866
Hi Heart, so glad that you found Donna & Terry’s wonderful site. The support here is enourmous in our healing journey. So many lifted me up in my dark days & nights so I am glad to help others. You are going to survive this hon. I know right now you most likely just want to crawl into bed & shut the world out…
But, you are stonger then that and you are making amazing strives to heal.
My advised to you is get your health back before you fight a sociopath in court. They will drag you in & out of court weekly to run up your court cost & he will also weaken you emotionally & physcially all intentionally.. THis is what my ex did in court divorce. It was a nighmare I did not have good health because he destroyed my immune system with all the daily stress & choas he inflicted. Sounds like this guy did he same.
Focus on you now hon. YOu can go after him once you have your mental & emotional strenght.
Look up the you tube video “Dr Danial Amen Depression you tube”…exercise is far better then an anti depressant (according to studies) so keep up your exercise slowly.
There is a lot on you tube now with regards to eating well to flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals = strenghtens your immune system & also gives you a happy brain & calms your nerves etc. This is imperative after having be sucked into the web of a sociopath nightmare.
My heart is aching for you…sending you huge hugs. It is ok to talk to your friends about this…just like you are doing just keep it in small dose for them. But, they are there for you so do not shut them out. We are here for you to. Just come here and vent over & over…it really is part of the healing process. Just type and get it out. you can always delete it or you can right in a journel. Studies have shown getting a problem out of your mind by journeling helps the mind.
Look these up here on Lovefraud:
Sociopath smear campaign
both of these evil tachtics sociopaths use DURING the relationship and after. So he might have already spread lies about you to others knowing that you could expose him once his mask slipped (like it has now). So be careful…sociopaths hate to be exposed so you must make sure you are in a very save place not only physically but mentally. If you can change your locks and get some security alarms and cameras if you can afford them. You can look at home deport or lowes (USA) hardward stores they have good pricing on individual door and window alarms $15 or a whole home package for $150 + that take battery not hardwired. very easy to install. Tell your neighbors if they see him to call the police asap.
Hugs to you. we hear you & are here for you. Keep posting, venting & reading. 💜
if you have health insurance get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency. To help calm your self epson salt baths are excellent fully of magnesium which calms the body> Check with your doctor if you are on rx drugs. GO and get tested for STDs. It’s embarrassing when you do but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I did the same most here do get tested. Lookup Dr Mindy Pelz you tube for healing your body. Again check with your doctor before you make any changes.
- This reply was modified 6 days, 4 hours ago by Jan7.
January 13, 2021 at 7:11 pm #64868Donna AndersenKeymaster
heartonashelf- I am so sorry for the experiences that brought you to here, but I am glad Lovefraud is helping you. It is truly shocking to realize we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and then to realize that they really have no heart and ho remorse.
About exposing him – there are many considerations in doing this, so you need to think carefully about what you want to do. I would say, for the time being, do nothing – except perhaps simply talking to some members of your community if the opportunity arises. I discuss the issue of exposure on these pages – check them out:
Take your time with your recovery. It’s a big blow – especially when it’s connected to other wounds from earlier in your life. You are right – there will be good days and bad days. But eventually, the good days will win out, especially if you commit yourself to doing the healing work that will help your recovery.
January 15, 2021 at 12:32 am #64882
Dear Donna, Thank you for your kind, hopeful words and empathy. I truly can not thank you enough for bringing these topics to the forefront. Not only do you share with courage your own personal stories, you offer hope for recovery. I am incredibly grateful to you. Your work has helped me with the confusion of it all. It has been difficult to accept. I loved a man who really did not exist, because he had lied about everything he was and is. I can now accept letting go. Our relationship from the day we started had no chance. I didn’t want us to fail, but it was destined from day one. Thankful to God for showing me the truth. My Sociopath had exhausted me beyond words. The sadness and disappointment indescribable. I am in shock another human being could take such advantage of another. I pray for all souls who are oppressed and abused by the evils of humanity, faithfully, and especially for those who don’t possess the means or strength to get out. You are doing God’s work Donna. May you be blessed always.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.