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Help!! I don't know if he is or not

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  adriana0718 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #39528

    barchjk
    Participant

    I am just finding out a ton of information about my husband. We have been together for 18 years. We have been married for 11. We have two children together. I have always had suspicions that he had been cheating on me. About a week ago he fessed up to everything. He has never been faithful to me. He has had a full 8 year relationship with another married woman. And he has slept with multiple people each year we have been together. He has admitted that the doesn’t actually feel bad. He says he knows he shouldn’t have done it but he doesn’t really feel bad. He doesn’t have guilt. He says that he doesn’t feel empathy for people even though he knows that he should. He is not mean. He doesn’t cut me down. He doesn’t hit me… He is just incredibly dishonest. He has lied to me our whole relationship. I also believe that he is addicted to sex. He thinks that it is very normal for people to cheat and for people in relationships to have something on the side. He has always known that I don’t feel this way, yet he still proposed and wanted to marry me. I don’t know if I can say that he is a sociopath because he is not mean in any other way. He lies and cheats. He is not manipulative with money or controlling over me. He has said that he would be fine if I was sleeping with other people. We have split but I am absolutely devastated! I have loved this man for 18 years and he has broken me. I am really struggling with simple life tasks right now. I need help understanding everything that has happened to me.

  • #40757

    littleredrh
    Participant

    I’m not an expert & I imagine you came here looking for expert advice.
    I can offer you my humble opinion.

    Your husband is probably Polyamorous and is not a psychopath. Lying to you was very wrong, but perhaps 18 years ago there would be too much social stigma for him to be open with you about his sexuality. I am not an expert & I cannot project any judgement of this man I do not know, but my suggestion to you is to try to come to the understanding that you & he are wired differently when it comes to monogamy. It doesn’t have to be the end to your relationship if you accept that it is a wonderful thing that he doesn’t attempt to control you, and so you should allow yourself to release control for this aspect of his character.

    What’s difficult is restoring trust & honesty once you’ve been lied to. For this you might need to sort out your emotions with a professional. A friend of mine recommended a great book to read that might be helpful for you to communicate your position with your husband called the 5 Love Languages. Good luck & God bless.

  • #40762

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I don’t even know what to say about this. I have nothing against polyamorous relationships, but he lied to you and deceived you for years. This – to me – is a monumental betrayal, not to mention the possibility of the other women getting pregnant or giving him STDs that he would pass along to you. And now that you found out, he still has no empathy for your pain of being betrayed? Yuck. I would kick him to the curb so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. Let him see if his philandering ways (which he has all kinds of excuses for) are worth losing you over.

    I’ve dated polyamorous guys. They tried to convince me that my jealousy was pathological and that their way was the best way. I didn’t know where I stood at the time and got badly burned. It took a while to realize that there is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy and demanding fidelity. It doesn’t mean you are controlling or have limiting thoughts. Granted, attractions to others do come up in a relationship. But there are other ways to deal with them besides acting on them behind your partner’s back. That’s a quick way to destroy a relationship and betray the one you claim to cherish. If your husband took a vow to be faithful to you, then he is a liar and a cheat. I don’t care what excuses he has (everyone has lovers, etc. That is just not true.)

    So sorry you have to deal with this. Ugh.

  • #40829

    adriana0718
    Participant

    What stuck with me is when you said that he doesn’t feel bad. If he knows he hurt your feelings and still has no remorse, that’s a huge problem. I won’t judge couples who chose to have open relationships, as long as they mutually agree to live this kind of life style. If one spouse is not okay with it, then it should not happen. They either work it out or they have to go separate ways. He is deliberately choosing to do something he knows very well you don’t agree with. The fact that he appears to be ok in everything else doesn’t justify the pain he is causing you. Being a decent human being is a basic requirement and should not be rewarded in exchange for your own personal values. My husband used to do really nice things to me after screwing up a big one. I fell for it many times until I got tired of being thrown a bone every once in a while. Remember that not all abusers beat or steal from their partners. There are many types of abuse, some of which we won’t even recognize until we ar completely remove from the situation. I think you have more than enough to move on and you will be better off without this man. Much love and blessings. Be strong, you can do it.

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