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Help! My mother keeps in contact with my ex-Narcisst husband!

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  nrnr50 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #49586

    melania
    Participant

    Hi! I am getting divorce from my narcissist husband.
    From the beginning of the divorce process I informed my mother the kind of person I was dealing with.
    I explained to her the importance of NO CONTACT.

    I had to run away from my future ex husband because my life was in danger.

    Today he sent me a message to informed me he is still in contact with my mother. I did not react to this.

    When I asked my mother, I thought the screenshots he sent were false, but my mom admitted she was in contact with him. I got really mad!!!

    I am in a place far away from my family and friends. Only few people know where I am. I feel my mother put me in danger. What should I do? I block her too. I feel bad because now I can not share anything with her. I lost everything: my house, my money, my friends, and now the relationship with my own mother. He destroyed everything. His last move was really smart.

  • #49589

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Melania – I am so sorry for your experience. Sociopaths/narcissists are so slick – they know exactly how to play people, and he likely played your mother. If your mother really doesn’t understand sociopaths – after all, most people don’t – she can fall for the act.

    If you think your mother is just a nice lady who doesn’t understand that evil people exist – and one of them is your ex – maybe you can maintain contact but not tell her anything important. I worry that if you cut off contact with her, it will play right into your ex’s hands – he is probably telling her that something is wrong with you, that you now have agoraphobia or some other condition, and refusing to talk to her will prove him right. If you stay in touch, it will be easier to salvage your relationship with her later.

    However, if you think your mother may have her own agenda, then blocking her may be the right thing to do.

  • #49628

    monicapz
    Participant

    Dear Melania,

    Donna is right on. Please read all her books about sociopaths.

    What is happening is called TRIANGULATION. Google “triangulation,” and search “triangulation,” on YouTube. Read and watch all you can, of course, using common sense about the sources of your information. The more you learn, the stronger you will become.

    When I volunteered for the battered women’s shelter, I was not permitted to speak to the batterers (mostly men, but occasionally a woman), because they were so manipulative!

    Not only you must practice “no contact,” but family and friends, too. Any family member or friend who refuses is no family or friend of yours! Have your family and friends read all they can about sociopaths, and if they refuse for any reason, then you know where they stand.

    Tough situations demand tough measures!

  • #49630

    regretfullymine
    Participant

    If you keep in touch with her, tell her NOTHING IMPORTANT..if you have to block her/no contact her..to protect yourself..do so. I understand you dont want to cut off your own mother, but if it protects you, you must. reading psychopath books will help..

  • #49631

    nrnr50
    Participant

    Dearest Melania
    To escape your ex-path husband, you have moved away from all of your support systems (friends, family) Then he pulls out the last pillar of support that you have – your mum. He just HAD to let you know he was keeping in touch with your mum – aiming to inflict pain and panic.

    Did you feel a sense of betrayal? Your own mum ignores your wishes (no contact) and puts you at risk? You wonder why she would do this? What is she thinking? What is he saying about you? Does your mum believe him over you?

    If I may share my experience, perhaps it will shed some light on yours. I was crushed to learn that my mum continued to be in contact with my ex, inviting him for dinner, even buying him birthday and Christmas gifts. This went on for years after our divorce and drove a huge wedge between my mum and I. The manipulation from my ex was no surprise, but my mum’s behavior I could not fathom, especially when she did nothing to help me.

    In time, I gained understanding but it was a rough road. I was able to see that my mum believed to the core of her being that a woman was nothing without a man. Any man was better than none. Men were raised to ‘be somebody’. Women were raised to ‘get somebody’. In her era, divorcees were social outcasts. Loose women. Failures, and unwelcome in the company of ‘proper’ ladies. And so it was with my mum. When I divorced, I became one of ‘them’.

    Many women from that era didn’t have the option of divorcing an abusive partner. They had no choice but to tough it out, make it work as best they could. I suspect there’s some envy/jealousy of the choices we women have today.

    Be of good faith, Melania. You are not alone and there is a brighter day ahead.

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