Hi I'm new and need help

[sweetness1986Participant]

Well I have been with what I think is a narc for four years. I’ve only really started to truly realise what he might be this year to be honest.
He has left again this is the fourth time this year now we live together and probably the 10th time he has left me maybe more. Sometimes he goes for a day a week or a month it varies.
This time was because life is boring he’s miserable he wants to go out with his friends again and he wants his old self back I’ve heard this numerous times over the years how he has changed and I’ve made him like this.
I’ve caught him on dating sites etc the last two years I haven’t caught him cheating I think he has stayed faithful as he’s always with me and doesn’t go out that much but I think it’s only because I said I woild 100% finish it if I ever caught him cheating on me again.
He lives here for £60 a wk he takes home around £600 a wk so he gives me the bare minimum in money.
Sometimes he is Very charming and loving but 80% of the time he moans about trivial things like his car or money he makes out he has life just that little bit harder then anyone else.
He never leaves me be when we break up for now he is quiet I know this won’t last he’s at his dads at the moment he’s got two kids and he has them every other wkend but I usually am the one looking after them feeding them etc while he lazes about cos he works.
If I’m ill he never asks if I’m ok or shows concern or says I’m making it up etc.
He’s paranoid he questions me he locked me in his car two months ago in rage and drove really fast to scare me he’s threw my mobile phone at me in anger and pushed me over.
Yesterday he was on one as he wanted to go away again with his ‘boys ‘ and I kicked up a fuss about it so he said he was leaving me in the past I used to cry and beg and even now it’s hard not to ask him to come home but I’m starting to wise up to what is happening now.
He text me last night asking can he have his underwear it seemed a trivial thing to contact me over when he can just buy more he can afford it!
I’ve got children aswell he doesn’t help in any way with my kids I’m a single mother I work four days a wk and i really struggled to buy the uniforms and he never offered to help me.
He said last night he’s going to get his own place this time I just said ok goodnight usually I’m a crying wreck by now but I’m being strong.
I’ve read most narcs are cheats so I don’t know if he is a true narc as he always has the same number and I always know where he is and he doesn’t use his phone hardly and I really think he’s been faithful the last two years but I know the first two he was messing about as he always got caught he’s always been bad at lying so I always know.
I feel like he uses my house as a hotel for sex food and warmth but doesn’t care sometimes he really acts like he cares and I wanna believe it like yday I said are u sure u want to leave again why are u doing this over an argument come on and he’s like no no ive had enough I’m gone etc he never compliments me ever even if I’m dressed up for a night out he just stares at me and looks away it’s like it kills him.
I don’t want this life anymore someone who just walks out and thinks it’s ok to just keep walking back in whenever he wants and I will always be there I do love him but am I loving an empty shell? Help me

[Jan7Participant]

Hi Sweetness1986, he is very manipulative. Your gut is telling you he is “using you” for sex, hotel & food. Believe your gut!!

This is not normal behavior for him to just walk out on a relationship over & over & over.

He most likely called for his “underwear” to control you & push your emotional button. They want us be an emotional wreak when they leave because then they have more control over us.

Write down everything he has done to you since day one that has hurt you. You will see that he had done endless things since day one that you have forgotten about. This will open your mind up to the truth. He is not a good guy & what you see right now in his horrible behavior is what you are always going to get from him. This is his habit in relationships.

It’s up to you to just say “Enough”. I deserve better then this guy.

Are you sure he is not cheating?

These types usually disappear because they have a new supply that is feeding their ego & giving them a place to live, food, sex etc. Then once that new supply has had enough of their using behavior they kick them to the curb. This is why a narcissist or sociopath keeps people (past relationships) still on the hook = so they always have a back up plan for a place to live etc.

It’s not easy to break it off with a narcissist. It requires mindfulness of your own behavior & emotions. We become addicted to their controlling ways. It’s not easy to break this bad addiction. Just like say alcohol or drugs. Again you have to be mindful.

When you feel sad, angry, lonely, crying etc. come here and read read read everything. Also watch the videos up at the top of this site. This will open your mind up during the times you want him back in your life. (Which by the way reading your post you really dont want him back you are just addicted to him & the drama & chaos he brings into your home).

FOLLOW THE “NO CONTACT RULE” (do a search on Lovefraud up at the top right corner & also on the net). Then follow this rule!!! IT’s the only way to break the addictive habit he has created in you.

It’s not easy at first to follow the no contact rule but the more time you have away from him the easier it gets. Fill your time with other things = spending time with your children, exercise, a hobby you have always wanted to do or even spring clean your home. What ever it takes to keep your mind on other things.

If you can change your phone number do it. Stop looking at his social media or photos of him. This is part of the No contact rule.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

YOU CAN BREAK THIS RELATIONSHIP OFF ONCE & FOR ALL!!

Come here & vent if you need to clear your mind virus contacting him. It really does help.

Wishing you all the best.

Take care.

[sweetness1986Participant]

Hi
Thankyou so much for your reply he did text me about the underwear and I said when do you want to come get them and he said I don’t know.
I don’t think he’s cheating with us it’s like he doesn’t cheat when we aren’t together but when we’re together he will msg other women like it’s the excitement side and then when we split up he can’t be arsed to cheat if that makes sense ?
I haven’t caught him cheating the last two years but I can never say 100% but I know he’s down his dad’s right now as I saw pics of him there with his kids on FB.
He started dragging up the past last night and a time I ‘really hurt him ‘ it was one incident two years ago he’s done lots of nasty stuff to me since that time and that’s all he ever drags up.
I haven’t been in touch with him and I haven’t acted needy and cried like I have done in the past he wanted a reaction last night and I’m so proud of myself for not giving it to him.
He said he’s getting his own place this time and not living at his dad’s I don’t believe that as he won’t spend the money he doesn’t even give me an extra ten pounds if I ask.
It is hard not to contact I want to in a way but I’m just opening myself up to rejection hurt and pain which is what he will most likely do if I do contact him.
I don’t think my mind can take that any longer like it did in the past so staying silent is my only weapon against the madness :-/

[Jan7Participant]

Hi Sweetness, you’re so welcome! We have all been where you are now. You want the pain to end but not quite ready to give up on the relationship.

You have to do a lot of soul searching to realize you deserve so much better then what you are settling for. It’s better to be alone with your children then to be in a emotional, mental & verbally abusive relationship.

Did you know that manipulation is emotional & mental abuse?

Do you know that lying is emotional, mental & verbal abuse?

Do you know he is trying to control you & have power over you every time he leaves you?

This is all abuse.

Do you know that you are in a abusive relationship?

Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is not physical abuse but rather emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse?

The fact he is emailing/texting women while at your home leads me to believe that he is most likely cheating. Whether emotional cheating or physically cheating.

It is extremely common for narcissist & sociopaths to go missing for days or weeks when they are cheating on their mate. So open your mind up to this possibility seriously. He might have said things to you that you just chose to ignore or at the time made no sense but now his words make sense.

You should be proud of yourself. You are starting to see & accept the truth of his behavior. You should be proud that you have done some research into his behavior. Not reacting & acting “needy” is a good place to be & also a huge step in leaving him for good. So YES!! Be proud of yourself hon. We have all been where you are…it’s not easy to break free of a narcissist or sociopath narcissist. You are making amazing steps!!

These types will always use “sociopath blame shift” “narcissist blame shift” (do a search on LF & the net). He is dragging up the past to control your mind from seeing that once again he left you.

Beware these types always boomerang back to past victims.

At one point you have to make the chose to just get off the emotional roller coaster he is creating everyday. This is the “cycle of domestic abuse power & control wheel” (google”.

Nothing is ever solved with them. It’s always goes from calm, to tension building, to fighting, to break up to make up and then the cycle repeats over & over & over.

It’s emotionally & mentally & physically exhausting to be with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist.

The only time you truly have peace is when they are out of your life for good. You and your children deserve peace!!

[StargazerParticipant]

Dear Sweetness, What is that saying about…if someone who doesn’t appreciate you walks out, it’s like the trash is taking itself out.

First of all, he DID cheat on your for a few years. Therefore, he is capable of it, and can/will do it again if the mood strikes him. Second, cheating isn’t the only form of disrespect. Third, it is one of many red flags that he does not take any responsibility. Fourth, what kind of person walks out for weeks or a month and then comes back? Even if other things were good, this is not a way to build trust or make your partner feel safe – by constantly disappearing. You cannot have a healthy nurturing relationship like this. This man is obviously incapable of a mature relationship, regardless of the label. He sounds emotionally stunted. Next time he walks out, change the locks. Or better yet, you be the one to walk out once and for all. Your life will improve in leaps and bounds once the chaos ends. Best wishes to you, dear.

[sweetness1986Participant]

Thankyou for your replies I’m on day two of no contact it’s a bit harder today. Honestly no decent person would keep walking out it is a for of control and I could kick myself for in the past how I have begged and degraded myself like that.
I know for sure I cannot talk to him as I get pulled back into the farce and that is all it is.
Regardless of whether he cheats he’s still and ugly person inside cheating is just another cog to add to the wheel.
I don’t think they will be the end of it though I don’t think he will just leave me be like this.
I haven’t left the house for two days now it’s like I’ve got into hibernation mode and I can cope this way. My kids are back from their dads tomorrow so I’m going to just try tomorrow to feel better then I do now because right now I feel used abused and like a piece of crap that just got stepped in not worth anything .
Thankyou everyone

[StargazerParticipant]

Sweetness, it’s very normal for you to feel like you don’t even want to leave the house. You’ve faced a severe trauma which is the emotional equivalent of being run over by a mack truck. Try to do little things for yourself like take a bath, have a healthy meal, watch a favorite movie, stretch, give yourself a hand or foot massage – anything that brings a flicker of joy or well-being. Even doing these little things for yourself will help you through the grieving. So sorry you are going through this. I remember when I was there, and it was incredibly painful. I felt like I was in a black hole and would never come out of it. I did, and you will too. You are going to remember the good things about him, and you will miss him. When that happens, try to stay strong and remember all the disrespectful things he did. Know that he will NEVER change and can never be the man you want. This will help you stay away from him.

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