August 9, 2022 at 10:28 am #68394
I met the most wonderful man 6 years ago. We moved in together after a year then I moved out two years later as I felt it was an unhealthy environment for myself and kids. The kids were young at the time and they were still hurting over the divorce. Red flags everywhere, mood swings, awful language, always wondering what he was up to. I spent most of my time walking on egg shells. He disliked my parenting skills and tried to change my ways I disciplined the kids. I questioned why he would put me on a pedestal one minute then tell me to get out of his house the next.
When I moved out, we continued on our relationship. It was rough, but I thought our love could keep us going. It did, but not without heartache. The omissions, the accusations, the sarcasm, the mean and rude comments that would make me cry. When we were good, we were good, but I was always waiting for the next downfall, because there was always something. The silent treatment, wouldn’t answer my calls or texts distroyed me, but I loved him anyways. I continued the roller coaster ride. During our 5th year together, I noticed he was more involved with the kids. Driving them to work, attending rugby games and helping with homework. It made me so happy.
Recently, I mentioned to him that all I wanted was a family, togetherness, and all of us under one roof again. I felt alone only seeing him 10 hrs a week. After 6 years, this seemed to be a reasonable request. I’ll be honest, I have always said I would never move back in his home because of the bad memories. He could turn on us anytime. I was worried about the kids, but I really felt it could be better. When I spoke of it, he asked me to draw him a road map as to what it would look like for me moving back in. I wasn’t really sure what he meant. I asked if we could draw this “road map” together, he declined. It was all on me. Last week we held hands on the couch and spoke about what plans could be made. He became very angry, he told me that we weren’t going to work out and we can remain friends after he escorted me out of his house with our pet dog. I’m still in disbelief. He had just told me I belong under his roof, that we could agree we were going to be together forever, now I’ve been silenced, he will not talk to me or even answer my texts. How could someone you thought loved you and talks about building a future with, turn his back in a split second. I did everything I could to make him feel loved and he always made me feel special until he didn’t. I know he is a narcissist, PTSD, bi-polar, but I adapted to him. It’s very sad I type these statements. How did I allow him to treat me less than I deserved. I am confused. I want him back. Obviously, he has broken me when I tried to fix him. I miss him so much. How do I let go, when I don’t want to?
August 9, 2022 at 10:32 am #68395bikahbeParticipant
Go no contact with him.
Get in therapy.
Find a support group/net.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
August 9, 2022 at 2:27 pm #68396
Hello Monique007, sending you HUGE hugs hon.💜💙💜 It’s a constant roller coaster with a narcisiist. One minute you think everything is fine (and normal) then the next second it’s narcissist chaos & drama then back to normal. This roller coaster can happen all day long. IT will drive a sane person insane. That’s their mission to destroy their vicitms emotional & Mentally.
Do you know you deserve better then what you are settling for with this guy you cant even live in the same house with?
That’s a HUGE MARCHING BAND OF RED FLAG 🚩🚩🚩🚩 he is giving off that you cant even live with him.
Your gut instincts know that this guy is dangerous and will only continue to destroy you emotionally & mentally as, well as your kids.
What he is doing to you is called ⭐️“Idolize, Devalue, Discard” (look this up here on Lovefraud & net).
ALL narcissist used Idolize to suck in their target victim to their CON GAME via ⭐️Lovebombing (look up)…this stage is quick…then once you marry or move in with them or they have you hooked into their grips the abuse starts to break you down so you dont leave them. THIS IS WHAT YOU EXPERIENCED WITH HIM WHILE IN THE SAME HOUSE And, then once they have a new victim in their grips they discard you.
They will do this over and over and over…sucking you back into their evil mind game of emotional & mental abuse only to discard you and intention break you down emotionally & mentally. They make the vicitm appear “Crazy”…but, the victims are not crazy it’s the narcissist that is crazy literally. The orginal term for “sociopath” was “morally insane”!!
This constant roller coaster abuse is called ⭐️”Domestic Abuse power & control wheel” (look this term up on the net and on the National Domestic Violence hotline website). STUDY THIS DAILY to break your mind free from his brain washing..YES, he has brain washed you to accept & “Adapt” to his abuse and drama.
When a narcisist cant be contacted or refuses to “talk or see their mate” they usually have a new supply victims. narcissist are serial cheaters.
DO YOU THINK HE HAS A NEW VICTIMS IN HIS GRIPS?
Do you think he has been cheating on you thru out your relationship?
If he is cheating, SHE IS ALSO A VICTIMS...do not get angry at her…instead use this time to ESCAPE HIS GRIPS FOR GOOD!! If he is cheating on you…this is a BLESSING!!! IT MEANS YOU ARE FREE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM FOR GOOD.
It’s time to fly away from this abuser…it’s time to heal yourself and get this man out of your life for good and most importantly out of your kids life for good.
How do you do this?
Look up the home page of Lovefraud…Donna & Terry (LF site creators) has it all spelled out the steps to free yourself and to heal. Donna has videos up at the top of lovefraud. Watch those every day to wake up your mind. Read Donna’s informative books (hide them in your house so he does not see them)
💜Also GO TO YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTER for free counseling and free women group meetings. This is powerful to know you are not alone. 💜 THEY ARE THEIR TO SUPPORT YOU and help you out of this relationship safely! They will not talk about “narcissism” etc but, they will help you out of this relationship with an exit plan. REMEMBER the most dangerous time for a women in a abusive relationship is when she is about to leave or has just left. So protect your kids & you with help out.
Pls come here to lovefraud and vent out your emotional daily, hourly what ever it takes to get your mind open from his brain washing, READ READ READ everything here at LF and post questions. Dont worry how long your post are or spelling etc just write everything on your mind to free your mind.
⭐️⭐️BE SURE TO CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTROY SO HE DOES NOT SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING⭐️⭐️
💜💜YOU ARE NOT ALONE HON💜💜…everyone victims in a emotional & mentally abusive relationship feels alone…why? because the abuser has created this emotion in all victims so, that they dont escape by isolating the vicitms from family, friends, hobbies and what makes you happy.
How do you not feel alone anymore?
By reaching out to your most trusted friends and family and sharing them what is going on…by going to your local abuse center for help and Donna anderson (LF) has a coaching program for a small fee that will help you to see the truth with this man…that he is holding you mentally hostage in this ABUSIVE relationship.
Talk with your kids if they are at the age (teenagers) they will understand about how they feel about your relationship and that you are thinking about ending it.Ask them not to say ANYTHING to him about this converstation or leaving him for good.
As Dr Phil states: It’s better to come from a broken family then live in a broken family. Even thou you are not living with him (THANK GOODNESS!!!) they are learning that treating your spouse badly and emotionally & Menatally abusing them is ok..it is NOT ok.
💜REACH OUT OF HELP…get out of this emotional & mentally abusive relationship for good. YOU CAN DO THIS…it’s not easy…how do you get out? BY EDUCATING YOURSELF on what abusers do to their victims to control them and learning steps to get out including the adivse of Bikahbe by following the “NO CONTACT RULE” (look up this rule on LF and net.
BEWARE once you go no contact with him he will attempt to get you back into his grips with Lovebombing (look up here on lovefraud) maybe even thur your kids…so talk with your kids and block him on all phones. WORK WITH THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE for a “Domestic abuse Exit and Safety plan” (look up on their site same name above)
I’ll write more.
Sending you hug hugs on. 💜💜💜 THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN EVER GIVE YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS IS TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP!! take care.
August 9, 2022 at 2:44 pm #68397
Get your health back in order. When in a relationship with a narcisiist the stress level for victims is thru the roof. This high release of cortisl & adranline can cause adrenal glands issues and hormal imbalance so you cant handle stress.
When victims try to leave their abusers this cortisol & adrenaline high levels get even higher in the body causing more stress. This is one of the reasons why it is hard to leave a abuser = because the stress level goes up.
But, once you are away and change your diet to a very clean healthy diet and do walking or low impact exercise the brain & body will start to calm down. This does not happen over night it may take a few months or 1 year to get your adrenal glands working right after a narcissist domestic abusive relationship.
When I left my ex h a sociopath narcissist my adrenal glands were fried. And, my doctor who was educated on adrenal fatigue (look up) helped me to heal my body after the abusive relationship with B complex vitamins & adrenal glands vitamin plus progesterone (which I dont recommend now). See sites for adrneal fatigue info Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. Adrenal fatigue is incredibly common for adults so there are many vids on yt and books on the subject at the library.
For evey healthy diet to heal your body from stress (aka PTSD!!) there are many such as Keto, Carnivore, Mediterranean etc For keto look up y t chans: Dr Berg, Dr Mindy Pelz, Dr Eckberg, for carnivore look up y t chans: Nutrition with Judy, Shawn Bakker MD, Dr MIndy pelz and also y t ch Eric Bakker Naturopath (who is a gut expert).
Your library will have books. DO NOT TELL YOUR MATE YOU ARE CHANGING YOUR DIET he will most likly try to sabatoge this effort to get your health back.
Keep posting questions & venting and Reading every thing here at lovefraud. IT IS ALL PART OF THE HEALING STEPS.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS AND POSTING YOUR QUESTION OF HOW TO BREAK FREE…BRAVO…this is a HUGE step in ending this relationship…it’s clear you want out…keep moving in that direction!!! YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW and you will not only survive ending this abusive relationship but, you WILL THRIVE AGAIN!!
Sending you hugs take care 🌸💜🌸💜🌸💜🌸 🙂
SO get your health back in order.
August 9, 2022 at 2:57 pm #68398
August 9, 2022 at 2:58 pm #68399
ps talk with your kids only after you have been to the domestic abuse center for help and ask the abuse center for help in having this important conversation with your kids. A lot of times kids dont like the abuser but, they remain silent. OR if the kids have been condition with brain washing from the abuser they may stand up for him.
So this is a very touchy subject that you need help with to have a diolog with your kids about so ask your counselor and domestic abuse center.
one of the most important steps I ever took was going to my local abuse center for help. I was in counseling at the time after leaving my ex husband and was a mess emotionally & Mentally from all the stress & discard that he did to mean. Thankgoodness this counselor was educated on “sociopathic abuse” and gave me a good book to read. BUt, I also took the step to go to my local abuse center.
AT the center I attended women group meetings. The first one there were about 40 women. Each shared their story…(I was so emotional having just escaped at that time I could not share my story) however, the women all did. What I realized was I WAS NOT ALONE! That 35 of the women shared the same hell that I endured = nothing but, mind games from my husband. And it was WAKE UP CALL…I could see that the other women WERE IN A ABUSIVE relationship and that woke up my mind that I TOO WAS IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Lovefraud thou was a God Send site. This is where I truely broke my mind free with the help of other here guiding me to actually text book terms to look up here at lovefraud to understand what my husband was doing = brain washing me!! Your mate is doing this to you also!!
Terms like (look up all here on lovefraud & net):
Idolize, devalue discard
sociopath smear campaign
Gas lighting abuse
also lookup no contact rule.
Learning these terms helps to break your mind free but, also see his abuse very clearly and others that might also be narcissist in your circle of friends, co workers or people you meet in passing.
Donna’s videos up at the top of LF and her books explains these terms if full detail also and worth your time to get educated. GETTING EDUCATE SETS YOU FREE…as they say;
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! they are correct 💜🌸
August 9, 2022 at 3:06 pm #68400
Keep in mind always that narcisisst are data collectors and gather infomation from their target victims to USE AGAINST THEM LATER!! Like a undercover spy.
Your boyfriend was collecting data on you when you discused moving back in & what it would take for you to move back in. Now he can just twist everything around on you. He did not share any info with you because he does not care if you move in or not. Why? Because he has you in his grips he is controlling you whether you live with him or not.
And, he can do what every he want in his homes…maybe bring other victims to his home while you are at your home. AGAIN if he is cheating…they are victims also and this is a blessing for you to escape for good.
DONT GIVE HIM any info.
August 10, 2022 at 5:34 pm #68403
Thank you so very much for all your information. It’s very helpful.
The issue I am having currently is that I cannot let go. He is the drug to my addiction so it seems. I’m going through major withdrawals. No motivation, no concentration, just completely depressed, but I don’t seem to cry. Just tightness in my chest.
I realize all the bad stuff I suffered. It was scary sometimes. The accusations being thrown at me and me trying to defend myself until I was blue in the face. It’s exhausting. The sarcasm and rudeness for no reason except that he was “in a mood”. But then it’s the loving times where I felt protected, the loving words daily, stopping into my work to bring flowers or coffee. All the great memories. I felt like I was the luckiest women on the planet.
I have a hard time to believe that it was all a fabrication. It couldn’t have been. I know he has major mental health issues. I know what I want, a family together under one roof. I accept that this is not possible with him, so why can’t my heart and mind let go? I’m not strong enough.
I am seeing my physician tomorrow morning. It’s unlikely it’s going to help except maybe put me on medication. I put in a call to a psychologist as well.
August 10, 2022 at 5:39 pm #68404polestarParticipant
Hi Monique007 –
He was basically very mean to you through all the years you have been together. Then he discarded you which is part of the sociopath’s pattern. We can all say that it is great he is gone, and you know it too – yet, I understand the heartache you are going through. It has to do with the trauma bonding that occurs when someone is in a relationship with an abuser. But, you have been given an opportunity at this point. In many situations, the abuser will discard the person and yet still stay – just deepening the abuse. It may sound contradictory, but that does happen. So by your turning the situation around, and going No Contact on him, will prevent that from happening and will be a great step to reclaiming your power. Do all the blocking and everything necessary to put strong barriers up to protect yourself from his eventual “ Hoovering “. Don’t even put yourself in the position to know if he has hoovered or not. Once you have done that, then take every opportunity to begin to cut the emotional bond you have had with him. That is done by joining this community of survivors, and that entails getting yourself educated and there is so much available here at Love Fraud, by reading books and watching videos and joining seminars etc. Really actively get involved in your healing and education and you will find a renewed you!
August 10, 2022 at 8:42 pm #68405
Monique007. It is good to see a therapist but it is important to see a therapist who understands the psychopath. Sandra Brown wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths and she does therapy You might check her out. Blessings to you
August 10, 2022 at 10:22 pm #68406
Hi Monique, what you are discribing…not being able to let go of him/relationship is what EVERY victim of abuse goes thru.
Did you know that it takes an average of 6 to 9 times of leaving a abuser before the victim finally escapes?
#1 Because the victim is not educated on who her abuser Is (narcisist/socioapth) and can not break her mind free from the brain washing for one. But, you are getting eduated so it will not take that many times to open your mind and free yourself.
#2 the victim is condition to accept the drama & chaos roller coaster ride. It’s a constant tention building, fight, make up, tention building, fight break up and this becomes a pattern of behavior for the victim. Your boyfriend has conditioned you to jump on his crazy roller coaster ride and accept his behavior, moodswings, lies, manipulation, gas lighting abuse etc etc.
#3 the victim is suffering from ⭐️cognitive dissonance (look up). This is a belief system that the abuser puts in our heads. We start to believe “he is bad” “he is good”…but, really he is ALL bad. SO when you want nothing more to do with him..your mind plays tricks on you to say “he’s a good guy” and you might say “we’ll if I wouldnt have asked about moving in & what it would take then we wouldnt have fought” which is a lie.
You are not the problem in this relationship. HE IS. HE IS DISORDERED. And, NOTHING you do can change that or this relationship. AND, he will behavior the same with any relationship he has it will always be chaotic and drama filled.
So look up this term to to understand this issue. You will need to break this to break your mind free. We all go thru this in a abusive relationship.
it’s NOT easy to break your mind free. YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT…how do you do this?
READ READ READ everything here at lovefraud AND go full NO CONTACT RULE with the help of a counselor and domestic abuse center. Evertime you read something here at Lovefraud analysis site as to how it applies to your relationship and with him. Write down your thoughts on paper too.
Write down all the things he has done to you that was emotional, mentally, verbally and physically abusive to you. This helps to see how much you have accepted for years. This helped me tramendously to see the truth with the relationship and how disfucional my then husband was and how abusive he was toward me and that I was like you “just adopting” to his commands YES COMMANDS and demands. I was being trained like a dog. And, my ex was enjoying controlling me like this.
#4 there are touch reponse hormones that are actived when the abuser used lovebombing and touch. I will post below more.
My advise if to call your local abuse center for a knowledgeable counsel and/or call Donna for help.
Most counselors DO NOT UNDERSTAND socioapth/narciisistic abuse and it ends up a waste of your time & money and is incredibly stressful to attend these kinds of counseling session. .
And, I believe psychologist typically hand out RX drugs and that is NOT what you need. You need to feel your feelings while being guide by a eduated domestic abuse counselor. So beware. (in my opinion I went to a psychologist when if first left a recommendation from a families neighbor and I was trying to talks to this psychlogist about what happened and the guy just said “why are you here”…he just wanted to give me Rx. I walked out and never went back. I know now that was the right thing to do when dealing with PTSD/trauma from a sociopath. Something for you to think about. Its’ up to you as to what you want to do.
YES, HE IS YOUR DRUG ADDICTION and you are correct you are going thur. This is what narcisist/sociopaths do to their victims. But, you CAN BREAK THE ADDICTION!! This is where the “no contact rule” works to give you time to break the addiction & withdrawals!!
For me, I changed my diet as soon as I escpaed and I started to walk and just look at the trees, birds & flowers to get out of my constant thinking of my ex and every crazy thing that happened. It worked. I also wrote down everything thqt happened this helped tramendously especially before bed.
But, most importantly you need to work on your PTSD and adrenal fatigue (which you most likely suffer from) to heal your body & mind. this is where diet and supplemnets work. This is why it’s important to get a vitamin & mineral deficiency test. and read up on adrenal fatigue to see if you have the symptoms.
I know hon, it’s so hard where you are at right now emotionally & mentally. For me, going to a counselor who told me who I was involved with (a sociopath) released me to never what to go back…however my body was like you still in that “needing him” stage because of the stress & hormonal imbalance that was caused by HIM. This is where I knew I had to get my body working correctly with diet/supplements to get my mind working correctly to let go of him.
YOU WILL GET TO A GOOD PLACE hon. When you can cry…CRY. When you get angry write down your anger. It may take some counseling to feel your feelings. Remember your abuser did not allow you to have feelings…you were forced by him to push all your feelings down. SO, it takes time for them to come up. You were in a cult with this guy. And, like all cult victims they become emotionless when in the cult.
read more below. 💜
August 10, 2022 at 10:24 pm #68407
Look up here on lovefraud search (top right) for this article:
“Restoring your “happy hormones” after narcissistic abuse”
August 10, 2022 at 10:27 pm #68408
here is another good article here on lovefraud for you to understand what your boyfriend has done to make you bond to him and you feel “addicted to him” (which is the correct term).
“To Mom and Dad: 9 reasons why your son or daughter fell for a sociopath”
August 10, 2022 at 10:33 pm #68409
here is a must read article here at Lovefraud about the bonding hormone = creating the addiction;
“How psychopaths use our biology against us”
Sending you hugs hon. One day at a time…some days one hour at a time…some hours one minute at a time.
PLS now your emotional will be all over the place. This is what happened when victims start to leave their abusers. It’s a scary place emotionally to be…so keep coming back here to vent, read & ask questions.
PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.
Donna has her coaching program and also you can call the National Domestic Hotline to talke with a free counselor in the USA 800-799-SAFE.
Sending you hug hugs. 💜💜💜
August 10, 2022 at 10:42 pm #68410
I realize all the bad stuff I suffered. It was scary sometimes. The accusations being thrown at me and me trying to defend myself until I was blue in the face. It’s exhausting.
He is playing a game with you to see how long he can push your buttons to get emotions out of you.
STOP PLAYING HIS GAME…you must learn to IGNORE HIM…via no contact rule.
Sociopath lOVE LOVE LOVE to push people buttons…some times very covertly other times right in the open for the victims to see.And your boyfriend IS playing this cruel game to get a rise out of you for fun. And, his evil methods work.
DO NOT TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF…you know you are a good person! You do not have to defend yourself with someone that is abusive and a bad person like him.
Not engagine with a sociopath is how YOU win…by walking away and following the NO CONTACT RULE.
My ex would push my buttons saying that I was cheating on him. I would defend my self…it was what he wanted = to get a rise out of me…to get my body in flight mode and completely stresed out. I’m not a fighter by nature. And, he knew this so when I walked away he would literally follow me in every room I would walk into even if I went into the shower to calm down. He loved every minute of making me stressed out and he did the same with others. he loved every minute of my body & mind breaking down. This is what sociopaths do. and they are very skilled at this every EVIL tactic of abuse.
IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE HIM…go no contact.
August 10, 2022 at 10:56 pm #68411
I’m so sorry that you are tangled up with this abuser. I am so proud of you for realizing you and your kids could NOT live with him. This takes incredible stenght & courage to move out and into your own place.
And, I am equally proud of you for searching for answers and posting here on Lovefraud. THis is not easy to post that you are being abused. But, this is a POWERFUL moment for you and a huge part of your healing process.
just want to let you know that I am so proud of you!! You are stronger then you know…and you WILL BREAK YOUR MIND FREE FROM HIM. ANd, you will go on to thrive again.
It just takes time. Hang in there. YOu are making wonderful steps towards your new great life without him. 🌸🌸🌸
August 11, 2022 at 9:39 pm #68413
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your encouraging words. You’ve been a saviour when I am feeling lost. When I start to get an anxious feeling and I want to contact, I re-read your posts and it puts me back in the front seat. I am so impressed that you take the time to voice your experiences and provide detailed information. It make my life a little simpler.
As expected, my physician wrote the RX. I’m okay with that if it calms my anxiety attacks when I think of him and the sadness I feel. My works has been flipped upside down. I lost my best friend. I lost my real friends because of him. They knew what he was like and I would not listen. He was my only focus. If he went out, I would stay home. I didn’t want to be accused of something. When I did meet with friends, I couldn’t tell him in fear he would get mad. Just tonight, his older sister invited me to go down by the lake, I agreed, but she was not to tell him, as he would get annoyed. This is obviously not normal and I obviously have major issues. I didn’t think about it too much until I started typing about it To be in fear of one’s mood doing the things I enjoy doesn’t even sound right.
I meet the psychologist next Tuesday afternoon. I am not too sure what to expect. My colleague said today home much she admired me. She said she use to see the strong woman in me. She mentioned that my ex over the years has broken me and stripped me of my happiness. 🙁 I will take all your advice. It’s so very kind of you to take the time to do so.
August 12, 2022 at 11:53 am #68414
Monique, you’re so welcome. So many lifted me up here at Lovefraud when I was broken by my ex. YES, when leaving your abuser the anxiety level is thru the roof.
I remember when I first left my anxiety was so high I could not even sleep or sit still (NEVER HAD THAT HAPPEN BEFORE). I believe now that this was because of all my emotions being stuffed down for years by my ex h and were all came up at one time. Along with my adrenal glands where puming put high levels of adrenaline & cortisol (aka fight, flight and freeze response mode). Plus, my thyorid was not working correctly due to all the stress I was put under by my ex for YEARS & YEARS. Adrenal glands and thyroid work together.
Taking a Rx is not a bad thing just keep in mind that you will want to wean off of them with your doctors help so time down the road. You dont want to go cold turkey with Rx drugs for anxiety.
Also, look up ⭐️“Dr Daniel Amen Depression” you tube vid. He is a brain expert and theripist who has conducted over 80,000+ brain scans and states that exercise is far better then Rx drugs to heal depression & anxiety. Just something to think about & watch. But, getting on a Rx drug to calm your nerves is not a bad thing.
Regret about relationships is very common when leaving a abuser. I like this saying:
💜When we know, better we do better.💜
My advice is to reach out to your friends and apologize to them. Maybe write down your thoughts to be sure to cover some of the points that your friends made at the time at the relationships fell apart that you want to apologize about. Dont talk to much about “him” but, let them know that you realize now that they were correct about him and his control over you and you were under his brain washing (literally) and could not see their support, love and concern for you.
The true friends will embrace you and be thankful that you have awoke from his spell. Some friends need some type to think about your words and some friends were never true friends. So just embrace the ones that are true friends. 💜
One of the things abusers do very quickly in the beginning of a relationship is isolate their victims from family and friends.
It’s clear your ex did this to you. Everything you described about him is what abusers do.
If I would take a night to go out to dinner or go to a friends home with just the “girls” my ex husband would start ranting about “oh your going to the “she man women hating club”…I would tell him we dont talk about husbands or kids..this is just a time for us to just be “us” and talks about things women talk about. When I came home he would go on and on. So much so that he would end up coming with me!! how crazy was I to let him come to a “girls” dinner. Of course this did not go over well with my friends. I never told them about his ranting…wish I did because maybe one of them would have told me I WAS in a abusive controling relationship. (Which I knew but, did not fully understand).
Before you talk with your friends to heal your relationship with them. Look up the National Domestic Violence hotline website and read “What is abuse” and “how abusers control their vicitms”. You can print this out and show it to your friends and explain what he did to you to damage your relationships with them. But, make sure you take responsiblity also otherwise they may not forgive you. But,the BULK of the damage to these relationships WAS caused by your ex and his control over you. Pls know this!
As for your work. One day at a time. When you get your health back you will be able to have a clear mind & work hard again. 😊 So just be patient with yourself thru this healing journey. The healing does not happen over night.
One thing I learned when going thru the “leaving the absuser stage” was I had to be kind to my self and be have patience with myself. I beat myself up so much for not leaving him sooner (when I wanted to leave everyday). I had so much regret because I saw who he was the first second I met him thur a mutural friend. He lovebombed me so hard by showing up at my home with outcalling and calling my phone 10 times while I was at work (which I thought was weird). I did not go after him…he saw that I had money, good job, place to lvie and he did not have these things.
You hon were so smart to pack up your bags and move you & your kids out of his home years ago. So pat yourself on the back for listening to your gut instincts and leaving his home. You have a strong gut instinct listen to it. When you are not sure of your gut instinct write down what you are strugglng with to see it clearly on paper.
Just tonight, his older sister invited me to go down by the lake, I agreed, but she was not to tell him, as he would get annoyed. This is obviously not normal and I obviously have major issues.
YOU SEE THIS CONTROL…that is the first step…the second step is to free yourself fully with by following the NO CONTACT RULE.
When I left my ex I cut all ties to his family. I knew that was the only way to fully heal myself. If you have to ask his sister not to “tell him”…this might not be a healthy relationship right now for you. SO you will have to think about if it’s safe & healthy for you to meet up with his sister.
If she sees his control over you and tries to help you out then yes, she is a good friend. But, if she does tell him things then this is not a safe relationship. So think about this.
My colleague said today home much she admired me. She said she use to see the strong woman in me. She mentioned that my ex over the years has broken me and stripped me of my happiness.
This is someone that might have also been in a abusive relationship before. And, maybe someone that you can ask her about. But, since she is a work associate becareful what you share. Some times it’s better to keep private life private in the work place. BUt, if she was abused in her past she may be a good person to have support when you are anxous at work.
Emilie, Sunny and many others here at LF have excellent advise so hopefully they will post again for you.
I’m proud of you hon. You are making great steps in your healing in such a short time…searching for answers, finding your way to this amazing site LF, posting, going to the doctors and making an appointment for counseling. BRAVO!! 💪👏💙
Wishing you a great day!! take care. 🌸🌸🌸
August 12, 2022 at 3:48 pm #68415
Monique good to see your post. I would just says antiaanxiety meds can be addictive. Something to be aware of. You said you see a psychologist next Tuesday. Is it male or female? Do they have knowledge of psychopaths? I guess you will find out. It is good to keep reading Jans posts. They are very good and take it a day at a time. Educate yourself on pathology. Becoming educated has been very helpful to me. There are many good articles here. They have been helpful to me. Most people have little or no knowledge of pathology.
Blessings to you
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by sunnygal1.
August 12, 2022 at 6:27 pm #68417
monique007 — Jan7 has give SUCH great advice — she is a wonderful source for advice and support – as are all of us who have “been there, done that”. I read your description of this man’s reaction to your wanting to have more than just a part time relationship — his hot then cold then icy reaction was shocking. I know how much that confused and hurt you. You mentioned that when things were good they were very good – but when they were bad it nearly destroyed your soul. As I am sure you have gleaned from this site, that is so very normal for these types. They enjoy the cycle of reeling you in, giving you just enough to keep you there, making you miserable, then dumping you. “Idolize, Devalue, Discard” is the term for this. Rinse and Repeat… Psychologists also call this Intermittent Reinforcement. It is a common feature of abusive relationships because the period of abuse is combined with outbursts of affection, which is confusing at first but over time, makes you want to work harder to receive the reward again. I am so very glad you are here and reading all this great advice that was learned through horrible situations… and knowing you are not alone. I am rooting for you, gal! Remember the cardinal rule of “NO Contact”. Of all the things you can do, this is the one that will hurt him the most. You are taking away his fun. Best revenge ever. Stay strong!
August 12, 2022 at 8:30 pm #68419
Monique you might look at the I Refuse article posted by polestar. Also look at the Writing Your Way to Happiness. Journaling can be helpful!
August 13, 2022 at 4:47 pm #68422
I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. With all the advice I have been given and listening to audio books to help me through, I am still trying to contact him, with no response. Or he will answer with one line sentence after six hours, bipassing anything answers of importance to me. I feel like I’m going to have a severe breakdown. I feel like I can’t live anymore. My heart is breaking. I didn’t do anything wrong, but loved him more. 6 years of memories cannot be for nothing. He has to miss me, he must still love me. How could he not. My head is still spinning as to how this could have happened. I’m at an all time low. I’ve been keeping busy, but my mind is constantly on him. How can he do this to us, all of us and our precious dog that meant the world to him. I just can’t understand it. My appointment with the psychologist is Tuesday. I wish it was now. I’ll never get over this. He’s all I had besides my children. My children are getting the brunt of my stress. It’s so unfair. He’s the only one I talk to. The one I get advice from, the one who said he would always protect me. He told me we would be together forever, I belonged to his family. He told me all his darkest secrets. I belonged until his roof, but not my children. After 6 years, did he think I was going to abandon them. He act like he loved them. He told me he did and would treat them as his own. I just can’t understand that I was a pawn in this sick game of love. I know he is not befriending anyone. He has major health issue. ED for one. Medication doesn’t seem to work well. I never complained. Diabetes, and arthritis in his joints. He’s a good talker though. Anyone who is like me will fall for the loving words. I don’t know.. I would be surprised. He’s 52 years old and, as I’m typing this, acts like a child, very immature when dealing with our relationship. I never complained once. Accepted it. I walked away several times when he was rude. I also kept my mouth shut about my feelings. I tell myself that I should have not told him I was feeling lonely and our limited time wasn’t enough. Then I’d be living the same routine I guess. I dislike change. I hope therapy is going to bring me back to rights. I am lost.
August 13, 2022 at 5:15 pm #68423
Monique. One day at a time until Tuesday when you see the psychologist. Therapist Amber Ault wrote The Five Step Exit on how to leave a toxic trlationship. She did a course here. She is very good. She also does therapy. Donna also does counseling. You will have options. As I said one day at a time. Maybe others will chime in. Take care.
August 13, 2022 at 6:05 pm #68424
Hi Monique, I’m so so glad you came here to express your emotions!!
I feel like I’m going to have a severe breakdown. I feel like I can’t live anymore.
YES…this is what happens to ALL victims of a sociopath!! They literally break us down. And, once we escape our adrenal glands release high levels of cortisol & adrenaline put other hormones in the body.
it’s a terrifying time. PLEASE start taking some vitamins B complex several times a day. When I escape my ex h…I ended up just like you (like most all victims). I found (thru a friend) a doctor who tested my cortisol, adnrealine and hormones such as estrogen, progesterone, etc etc and adrenal gland fatigue vitamins (which you can find in any health food store).
YOU MUST LOOK AFTER YOUR HEALTH HON. This is imperative. ALso, did you just start taking the Anxiety Rx drugs this week??? if so CALL YOUR DOCTOR ASAP (even on the weekend!)
August 13, 2022 at 6:10 pm #68425
PLEASE CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE WEBSITE 800-799-SAFE (in USA) and talk with a FREE counselor right now!!
They deal with exactly what you are experiencing. Your mind is waking up hon…it’s terrifying to see the truth from all the brain washing.
I PROMISE YOU WILL GET THUR THIS…keep walking towards the light.
You are making great steps to being FREE.
Let out the tears…if you get angry write everything you are angry about down on paper. Dont take it out on anyone especilly your kids.
KEEP READING articles & watch the videos at the top. This will help you.
If you can take a epson salt bath (if you are NOT on any RX). YOu can find epson salt in the cosmetic bath section at Walart or in the shampoo area in a grocery store. See you tube vids “Epson Salt bath benifits”. Epson salt is magnesium and it relaxes the body & Mind. it works to calm us. And, we all need magnesium. See yt chn “Dr Berg Epson salt benifits”. But, only take if you are not on Rx.
Keep posting here. I will keep checking in. But, call the hotline. If you are not in the US just look up “National domestic abuse hotline center website” and call them.
August 13, 2022 at 6:29 pm #68426
YES, my ex was a man child. Very immature but, pretended to be mature. They all have this in common.
He’s the only one I talk to. The one I get advice from, the one who said he would always protect me. He told me we would be together forever, I belonged to his family.
Sociopaths are all talk. Remember the saying “Actions speak louder then words”
When it comes to sociopath their words NEVER are shown in their actions. They can easly tell someone they “love them” very quickly in a relationship (this is a Red flag). Being in a relationship with one is nothing but, a emotional roller coaster.
Fights are never really worked out…they just go round and round and round saying so many LIES…only to get in another fight over and over about ths SAME EXACT topic. You feel like you are banging your head on the wall because their behavior never changes. They spew so many lies that you cant keep up with everyone of the lies. This is what they know how to do with suck skill.
YOU WILL GET THUR THIS EMOTION RIGHT NOW. When you feel very stressed put your hand on your heart and slow your breathing down. this surprisingly works. Take some deep breaths from your belly.
sending you huge hugs!!! 💜💙💜💙💜
August 14, 2022 at 8:56 am #68427
I took my dog to the dog park. My ex lives up the street. Before I headed home I thought I would stop in. He asked me what I was doing at his place? I replied “ I came to see you”. He answered “maybe, he didn’t want to be seen”. (Hurtful) He came outside and before we could speak, his sister and her husband arrived. We all chatted like it was a normal evening. My ex offered us wine and we had good conversations about everyday life. After they they he continued to talk about his day then said he was going to bed. I
suggested that we could stay with him (knowing full well the answer) He said no “thank you”. I got up and told him I had done nothing wrong,but only loved him. He asked me to leave or he was going to get angry. He said he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with me. I left, again, didn’t shed a tear. I am immuned to this treatment. I can’t wait until Tuesday.
August 14, 2022 at 3:16 pm #68430
It’s very difficult to break the mind free from the abusers mind control. You are not the first one to go back and try to make sense of the break up with a sociopath. Just know that everytime you go back to your abuser he is breaking your sprite down with his emotional & mental verbal abuse.
You have been conditioned by him to accept his horrible behavior and then make up and then fight and then make up. This is they cycle of abuse you are in. It’s called “Domestic abuse power & control wheel” (LOOK THIS UP).
you are also like you stated addicted to him because he used words & touch to high jack your hormones.
It’s difficult to break your mind free. but, it’s possible. You have to be mindful. Everytime you want to contact him come here or write on a piece of paper everything he has said and has done to you that was verbally. emotionally, financiall, physically abusive so you can see WHO HE REALLY IS. He is NOT going to change but, he will keep change you and stressing you out so that you have a stress breakdown.
He has discarded you hon and now is giving you the silent treatment over and over. This is what they do…it’s all a mind game. They love to see their victims broken down. It’s incredibly painful to be discard. But, you will never get a answer as to why..WHY? Because it’s ALL part of his control over you.
EVerytime you feel the need to contact him come to Lovefraud and READ READ READ. Everytime you think of past “good times” come here and read. It took me a long time to realize that there were NO GOOD TIMES WITH MY EX…NONE…I literally walked on egg shells the whole relationship not to set him off. So this is not a normal or healthy relationship when a abuser controls you and you live in fear of setting him off. This is ABUSE!!
Keep reading everything. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline too 800-799-SAFE (US) or look up your countries hotline number and call. YOu can do this often. You should think about talking to Donna and/or going to your local abuse center shelter for free counseling in addition to your theripist and also attend their free women group meetings. This will all help to open your mind.
With all of that and educating yourself here at Lovefraud & reading Donna’s books you will open your mind up and free yourself from this abuser.It takes time. But, everyday read articles here…vent, ask questions, go to counseling etc etc and one day that’s it…you wake up and WILL NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO HIM. This happens hon. there is NO way I would every go back to my ex…I dont even think about him. This did not happen when I first left. For months my break could not stop going all the stuff he use to do (racing mind) and I literally would cry for the entire day and would wake up in my sleep crying from crazy dreams that I wasted my time with him. But, then litearally one day the crying just stopped. Havent cried since. At first I was in a state of Shock like you when I left and could not cry. I let the tears roll because I believe our brains and body know how to heal from trauma. YOu will get to this point.
Wishing you a better day today. take care.💚☘️
August 14, 2022 at 7:50 pm #68432
Thank you for your comments. I spent the day like a zombie on the sofa and then had a good cry. It felt good to relieve the pressure off my chest. It’s been 24 hours of no contact. I took the dog for a walk and my body thanked me. 15 minutes afterwards I had my ex’s aunt, sister and brother-in-law stop in.. ugh I was doing so good. They spoke to me about my ex and how he was not doing well. It seems he is taking his attitude and anger out on them as well. I just shake my head.
August 15, 2022 at 10:44 am #68434
Monique When you see the psychologist tomorrow ask him or her if they are knowledgeable about psychopathy. Are they aware of idolize, devalue, discard I saw a male psychologist after a breakup and he was not helpful.
August 17, 2022 at 11:17 am #68440
Monique. I hope you let us know how it went with the psychologist
August 19, 2022 at 7:49 am #68458
I did not get much out of my first session. I was hoping she would give me some coping tools on how to deal with my emotions. I go back to see her next week.
This morning I’m feeling devastated. As much as I know I deserve better, I still feel I need him. Last night I posted a few things on my Facebook. The first was expressing excitement over a new promotion at work and the other of my daughters new hair cut. My ex loved them both.
This morning I noticed he deleted me from Facebook. I don’t understand why. I want to confront him, but perhaps he is waiting for a reaction out of me. He was my best friend despite all the mean things he said. I have no family, my friends are all married and happy. I am just alone. I’m more alone without him. I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do. Six years on my entire life investing in this relationship to be tossed aside like garbage. I am devastated:(
August 20, 2022 at 4:55 pm #68462
Hi Monique, sending you hugs hon.
It’s not easy to break the addiction brain washing our abusers used to control our minds. But, when you do you will never want to take him back. It takes time.
What can you do;
READ READ READ everything here on lovefraud…this will help you wake your mind up. Sunny has been posting articles for you to read.
Donna has a book she wrote in the bookstore at the top of lovefraud about Steps to take to get away from a sociopath…buy that book and read it endlessly.
Call your local abuse center and go…also ask them if they have a outside counselor that can help you. Sounds like your counsel is not educate on domestic abuse at the hands of a sociopath. My counselor the first session within 20 mins of explaining the nightmare I had been dealing with in my marriage told me I was married to a sociopath. He gave me the book “Women who love psychopaths” by Sandra brown and I literally cried reading the book because Almost EVERYTHING I ENDURED was in that book. Everything made sense to why I wanted to leave my ex h everyday. Why I did not want to date him, move in with him and marry him. ALL there. This book really opened my mind to never going back to him.
PLEASE take steps to re-read my post above and research everything I wrote, read Sunny Gal’s Lovefraud articles she has pulled up for you and buy Donnna’s (Lovefraud) books and read Lovefrauds home page.
There is a ton of info here on lovefraud to break your mind free and to heal. You just have to do the work of reading and think about how it all relates to your abusive relationship.
Be kind to yourself. take care.
August 20, 2022 at 5:24 pm #68463
I hope you can put your thinking hats on for this one. As per my previous message above, I noted that my ex deleted me on FB. Yesterday, I had a good day, but was bothered by why he would delete me and not my children or family.
I sent him an email to ask why he had unfriended me. He responded he did not and sent me two screenshots of someone posing as me. The the comment was underneath a tombstone picture from 2016. It said “Absolutely Great ❤️❤️❤️. I can’t add you back, send me a friend request. (Bizarre right) He said he received the comment and did not unfriend me.
So I dug a little further. I got my friend who is a mutural friend of his to look closely of the profile. It was fake. It was only created yesterday and it only had one friend (ironically) my ex’s brother.
I message the brother to let him know if he received a friend request from me to please delete it. He had not. So both profiles were fake.
I had my friend call the number associated through FB messenger of the fake profile of myself and it rang and rang with no answer. Immediately following the call, the profile and comment was deleted from his page.
Does a naccissist go through great lengths to create two fake profile to comment a ridiculous post so he could unfriend me? But!! he said he didnt. If this is him, he is messed up more than I thought. This is scary and sketchy. Any thoughts? Can an unknown hacker do this and why just on my ex’s wall and not others? And why was his brother my only friend. This is such bizzare behaviour that I can’t even think straight.
August 20, 2022 at 6:08 pm #68464
YES…Fake profiles are very common for these types of narcisist/sociopath. He is playing you like a cat plays with a mouse. BEWARE and STEER CLEAR. FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE NOW. day 1.
Ending a relationship with a sociopath is not normal. They use discard…then they may boomerang back around if they cant find their narcisiist supply or their current victim has left them.
PLEASE do not engage in his evil mind games. He is continuing to control you & have power over you. Dont let him Rent space in your head.
BLOCK him…tell your kids to do the same. This guy is not a good guy and he will just keep breaking you emotionally & mentally down.
Save the screen shot of these other accounts because he maybe setting you up. It’s very common for sociopaths to turn the tables on their victims and make themselves look like the vicitm not the abuser. MANY get the true victim arrested for staking. BEWARE. Tell your friends & family about these fake accounts. Keep recored of all of this.
Keep a journel of what he is doing ask your famiy & friends to do the same.
send a message to facebook and explain that your ex has opened two fake accounts. PROTECT YOURSELF. your ex can now easily post things that make you look “crazy” get you arrested or have your friends think you are causing the trouble.
ALL THAT YOU HAVE POSTED IS WHAT SOCIOPATHS DO WHEN THEY LEAVE A SOCIOPATH. pls look up articles on this here at lovefruad.
August 20, 2022 at 7:27 pm #68465
I can feel the anger in me, which is a positive thing. If he was to come to my door, I wouldn’t even open it. That behaviour is over the top. It’s one thing to unfriend me, but to create a scheme to cover a lie? Unbelievable. I am so angry. I’ve spoke to friends and family about my relationship with him and it’s interesting that everyone has a story. “Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but we’ve heard some things about him too”.🤦🏻♀️ Apparently not only in his personal life, but professional as well.
I’m going to read the book by Sandra Brown. I appreciate all your helpful information. I feel I have been living blindly. Actually I know I have. How could I be so naïve. I feel myself going into the right direction. I got this!
August 20, 2022 at 7:39 pm #68466
I also recommend the book by Sandra Brown. It is excellent. Jan you were lucky your therapist gave it to you!, He was sharp!
August 20, 2022 at 7:49 pm #68467
Hi Monique, reading is the way to the light. The more you read here at LF (articles/books) the more your mind wakes up to the truth. It’s good to get angry (not at anyone) but, this is your body/mind processing the truth about him.
YES, Sunny I was very lucky that a friend told me about that counselor. And, that that counselor was educated about sociopathic abuse and knew I escaped hell and helped me to see the truth. I also, went to my local abuse center for free counseling and women group meetings. The counselor at the center was not educated on socioapthic abuse but, she let me know that it was a good idea to attend the women group meetings.
Which I did and the first meeting woke me up to the fact that YES I was in a emotional, mental, financial, verbal and sometimes physcial abusive relationship after each women (about 40) shared thier stories and 35 of them were extremely similar to mine. I felt so alone in my marriage and so confused trying to figure out his crazy behavior and why our relationship was on a constant endless roller coaster ride.
Glad you escape Sunny. Monique you will soon escape his mind control soon. Just keep taking one day at a time, some days one minute at a time…read read read. ANd, keep posting here & vent out your thoughts/emotionals. take care. 💜
(not sure where Donna is, she usually post on new post. Hope all is well with her..maybe she’s on vacation?)
August 20, 2022 at 8:18 pm #68468
Monique, NEVER tell him who he is narcisist/sociopath narcisist. This could get you/kids into danger. BIT YOUR TONGUE on this matter.
it’s good to cry & get angry (not at anyone) when you leave a abuser this means your mind IS waking up from his control. So, keep letting your emotions out. Our body knows how to heal and part of the healing is to go thru the emotions. Look up “Stages of grief” this is what you will feel. It can be very overwhelming. Just keep coming here & vent/ask questions/read. 🐬🌺
August 20, 2022 at 8:47 pm #68469
Donna is back from vacation. I heard from her.
August 20, 2022 at 9:58 pm #68470
Thanks Sunny 😊🌺
August 21, 2022 at 9:36 am #68471
Jan. I was helped by reading Sandra Browns book and coming here to LF with the articles and sharing Gavin DeBeckersv book was also very helpful
August 21, 2022 at 11:07 am #68472
Yes Sunny all of those books including Donna’s books helped me tramendously too. Wish we all would have been required to read those in high school, would have saved all of us a tramendous amount of pain & heartache.
August 21, 2022 at 11:22 am #68473
Jan. There is little pathology awareness in society. Hopefully that will improve.
August 22, 2022 at 11:57 am #68475
Needless to say I’m not having a good day today. My mind is waundering in every direction. Having a hard time to concentrate at work. I apologize in advance to vent on here. I don’t seem to have anyone to talk to. I feel so used and for him to disgaurd me the way he did has my heart in pieces. I have my good days and bad. Mornings are the worst. I need answers as to why he deleted me from Facebook and kept my family and friends when I was the closest thing to him. To go to the extreme to create fake profiles in order to make an excuse seems so bizarre to me and I can’t wrap my head around it. He was so much a part of my life.
I love him so much despite all the bad things. I just need answers. The not knowing is killing me deeply. I read and I try to understand, but it’s difficult to comprehend.
I want to chase him, but I don’t. I’ve been there, done that.
I can’t see the light of day today. I’m broken.
August 22, 2022 at 12:10 pm #68476
He is a psychopath. His brain is not normal. He has no conscience You need to focus on your work and take care of yourself and your children.
August 22, 2022 at 1:40 pm #68477
Hi Monique, so sorry you are having a hard day. EVERYTHING you describe about your emotions are normal when ending a relationship with a sociopath. It’s extremely emotional & your emotions will be all over the place in the begining.
Just so you know YOU WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE directly from a sociopath about the ending of a relationship with one.
YOUR CLOSURE IS EDUCATING YOURSELF ON THEIR DISORDER AND FOLLOWING THE NO CONTACT RULE. I’m sure this is not what you want to hear. But, this is how they are. They use “Idolize, devalue, discard” on their victims.
The idolize phase (Love bombing look up this term) is used to suck in their target victim into their con game. This is where they use touch and words to make you feel wonderful and this releases many bonding hormones.
Then once you are hooked into their con game they start the devalue state where they put you down or use gas lighting abuse etc Victims of abuse are confused by this state and the victims does everything to make the abuser happy so that things will move back to how they were in the begining of the relationship where the victim felt understood & loved. BUT things will NEVER go back to the beginning unless the victim is about to leave and then the abuser will once again move back to the lovebombing state only to once again start to devalue the victim once they are hooked back into the relationship.
If the victim is speaking up & calling out the abusers bad behavior (WHICH IS REQUIRED) or the abuser has another “supply” victim on the side the abuser will discard (break up) with the currect victim.
This can happen over and over and over and over. THis is Until the Victim sees the truth..that the abuser WILL NEVER CHANGE..what you see is what you get = nothing but choas, drama and a emotional roller coaster ride in the relationship.
Go to Lovefraud HOme page and read. Reading opens up the mind. The NO CONTACT RULE helps you to break the addiction. Right now you have a racing mind this is sadly normal when breaking up with a sociopath. WRITE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTs in a journal or just a piece of paper or come here to vent out your emotions as many times as you need to…just get your thoughtsOUT Of your mind. this will help to calm your mind.
This process hon is not easy to get thru but, you WILL get thru it. Go to your local abuse center for FREE counseling and free women group meetings. This helps tramendously. They will not talk about abusers & their disorders narcissist/socioapth this is why it’s so important to read everything here on Lovefraud and Donna’s books. This is a major healing part.
KEEP POSTING HERE…KEEP WRITING OUT YOUR THOUGHTS. take care of your health (see my many post above) read Sunny’s post & book suggestions.
VENT here do not worry about how long the post is, spelling etc just write out what he has done to you (either here on on paper/jouran: when you do this you start to see the pattern of bad behavior of your abuser…and this helps to awaken your mind to break the addiction.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW MONIQUE!! You will survive this break up and YOU WILL THRIVE AGAIN once you are free of your abuser.
keep posting. take care. 🐬🌊💙
August 22, 2022 at 2:00 pm #68478
monique007: You say “I can’t see the light of day today. I’m broken.” I am so very sorry you are having a bad day. Been there – know how your heart is hurting. Keep strong, keep silent to him and know that time is your friend. Re-read all the great advice above and the amazing articles on here. There were days when just putting one foot in front of the other was all I could manage, when pounding the pillow and screaming at the walls took the place of sleep. I found writing it all out helped SO much. Now I read back on those writings (never shared with anyone) and can see my progress and find peace in knowing how strong I am now, and in what a long, hard road that was to get to Now. Keep venting here. We are 100% with you!
August 22, 2022 at 3:12 pm #68479
Monique. Slimone was a poster here. She was an RN and posted about the scientific information about psychopaths That was helpful to me. Donna was married to a psychopath. Sandra Browns father was killed by a psychopath That is why she got into this field
August 23, 2022 at 11:48 am #68481
Good afternoon Monique,
Just want to send some hugs & light to you today hon. 😊 Like Emilie touched on…we have all been where you are now and we are here for you.
I remember leaving my ex h. I literally packed my car and drove across country to get away. I was in shock & numb to my emotions. However, when I was about half way my body literally released negative energy that he was using to control me (I cant explain exactly) but, I felt the weight off my shoulders come off literally.
When I got to my location I was still in shock mode. I had no emotions. Like a robot just moving thru the day. But, my anxiety was thru the roof. I could not sit still or sleep I was so stressed out.(never had that happen to me before) Part of that was I was in fear of my ex finding me. But, I also feel that it was my body releasing all my feelings at one time that my ex had forced me to stuff down for years & years…not to feel because if I were to “feel” I would have left sooner. Abusers/Cult leaders used this manipulative tactic to control their partners/cult follwers from feeling.
When I went to the counselor a friend recommended he told me within 20 mins that I was married to a psychopath. I did not fully understand but, I did feel I finally had my “reason” to leave my abusive husband. He gave me the book “Women who love psyhcopaths” by Sandra Brown.
I read the book and literally the fauct of tears turned on and my brain felt like it exposed. It was a scary moment. I cried everyday for 3 months straight. Part of that was mostly the regrets for dating him when I did NOT want to date him, regret for marrying him when I did not want to marry him, for not leaving sooner, the regret for my ex getting “friends” to help suck me back into the relationship when I left 7 years earlier (but, did not have the knowledge of who I was dealing with a sociopath).
Then came the anger stage of my grief. I have never been a “angry” person but, I was so angry at him. So angry at all the marrige counselors we went to (3 of them) for not telling me I was being abused dispite telling them things he did to me that WERE abusive and I describe a sociopath when the counselor asked me what things he did that I did not like in the marrige…ie lying, manipulation, etc etc. The exact list of sociopaths traits!!
Look up the ⭐️“Grieving stages” Like a death we mourne the death of our relationship with a sociopath. Our emotions are all over the place.
We are saddened & angered that we were conned from day one by our “loving partner” but, we realize they were never “loving” they were CONTROLLING & MANIPULATIVE. Everything they did was calculated & cunning from the day we meet them. YES THEY ARE CON ARTIST!!
This is a massive shock to our belief system that people are “good” and can “change”. Most people can change & most people are good. HOWEVER, SOCIOPATHS DO NOT CHANGE. They will always be calculated & cunning want want to destory other humans. They are not human.They may appear human like but, their brains are not like a normal human. Sociopaths pretent to be kind & good they are NOT. They are pure evil.
These sociopaths thrive on destorying good humans. DONT LET THIS MAN DESTROY you any further OR your kids. Keep reading, keep venting, keep asking question.
YOU WILL GET THRU THIS emotional phase of the healing process. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. I’m not a cruel but, boy did I cry for 3 months straight. When I look back on that time it’s sad but, I also look back and realize that I am a strong person. And, you and everyone victim of a sociopath is strong.
I’m wishing you a better day today. Take care. 🙏☘️💚
August 24, 2022 at 6:08 pm #68489
Thank you for all your support. Everytime I feel the pins and needles through my body. I come here to re-read everything. It’s all right in front of me, in black and white. I miss him so much. I don’t think I would have ever ran away from him. Which is sad that I feel I don’t deserve better. I adapted so long that I lost myself. I really don’t know who I am. I know I’m a good mother, kind, honest, I have compassion for everything and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I had a conversation with my sister. She made a statement that I don’t even know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. The truth hurts. Reality hurts. To think he could be swiping another girl off her feet, puts me in a full blown panic attack. It’s so uncomfortable and exhausting. I’ve listened to many audio books on narcissism and Sociopaths. It helps for a bit. My emotions are all over the place. Sad, numb, angry. I wish I could stay angry because it helps with the pain in my heart.
I spoke to him today. Of course he needed something from me. Paperwork for his mother. I did it willingly when I should have said shove it. Used once again and, I allowed it. My first instinct was well maybe if I do this he will remember the person that I am and love me again. After the task, I was right back where I started. Alone and wondering. I don’t know how you girls do it or have done it. No contact is so hard. I think it may have been easier if I had been the one to walk away. It’s the break up, perhaps, and not the reality of it all that I’m focusing on. I hope god gives me strength soon. Fighting my emotions everyday is like dying slowly. I’m like a roller coaster. Highs and lows. I’m all over the map. I wish the pain would stop soon.
August 24, 2022 at 8:58 pm #68493
DAY 1 OF NO CONTACT STARTS NOW!! 😊
Monique, dont beat yourself up for talking to him. this is what sociopaths do their victims that escape. They will always “I need help with something”….uhh My ex was notorious daily of needing “help” like a child needing his shoes tied and “where is my book” and “where is this or that”…or “how do I fill this out”. ITS ALL PART OF THEIR CON GAME to control their victims from leaving them!! BEWARE AND STEER CLEAR!!
They use this so you feel like they could not survive without you…but, guess what they are usually cheating and pull the same con game on the next victim just like they did to the victim before you. IT’s a pattern of manipulation.
It’s very hard to break free from the cycle of addiction that the sociopath created in their victims.
Look up “Domestic abuse Power & control wheel” = this explains the cycle of abuser…love bombing, tension building, fight, make up lovebombing, tension building etc etc. This helped me to see the pattern of abuser that my ex did constantly to a point I subconsciously new what was coming…a round about “i’m sorry but, really ITS YOUR FAULT” (for his cheating, lying, manipulation = it was always my fault = this is called ⭐️“Narcissist Blame shifting” and ⭐️“Narcissist pity me manipulation” (look up both here on LF and net)
I miss him so much. I don’t think I would have ever ran away from him. Which is sad that I feel I don’t deserve better.
THis is normal for victims of abuse. Remember that it takes an average of 6-9 times before a victim of abuse says ENOUGH I DESERVE BETTER.
I would hightly recommend that you call Donna here at lovefraud for help (she charges a small fee for this service). And/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) or look up your countries phone number. Talking helps.
Keep reading. I am proud of you for coming here today to vent and speak your truth of what happened with him today. We all have been where you are now…so confused. So heart broken, anxiety filled, I too had a few panic attacks like you after I left. They are scary to have (never had one until I left him).
Panic attacks = b vitimin deficiency see yt video “Dr Berg Panic attacks”.
You are under stress from leaving & trying to figure out everything that your ex did to you and how to move forward. IT’s emotionally & mentally chanllenging. Take care of your health> Go get a vitiamin & mineral deficiency test.
Take a walk when you are stressed out just around the block or call a friend to walk in her neighborhood. Dont do this at night just during the day. Walking helps to send blood to your brain which helps with anxiety & depression (which go hand and hand together).
Keep venting here. keep reading.
Hope your evening is better take care.💙💚💙
August 25, 2022 at 4:54 pm #68500
I read an article by Sandra Brown. She says empaths look for love in all the wrong places as the saying goes. They need to change their direction.
September 3, 2022 at 5:34 pm #68597
It’s been almost 9 days since I vented. I’ve been doing better, but I do things to try to gain his attention and I don’t know why. After everything that he has done, I still hold that soft spot for him. My friends think I’m off the wall. His mother does not have very long to live and I feel awful. I went out and took one of my photos of him and his mother together and had it enlarged. I bought a nice frame and wrapped it. I left it by his door. He was not home, but he knew I was there from all the cameras he has around his home. I was doing a kind jesture. I love his mom.
Have a lost my mind? Why do I keep putting myself out there knowing all the horrible stuff he has done and sneaky stuff, the lies, the hurt and pain. Why do I feel that I don’t deserve better? I’m definitely a sucker for punishment and I don’t know why. I know what I need to do, but I just can’t do it. I read, listen to audible books about sociopaths. I am aware of the game he is playing. The damage to my neurological system is evident when I have a bad thought or memory. I wish I could turn the switch off.
I’m not looking for any comment. I’m just putting my thoughts here. I beginning to question my mental state. This can’t be normal.
He never acknowledged my gift and that’s ok. I know what I need
September 3, 2022 at 8:51 pm #68598
Hi Monique, glad you posted & vent here.
Have a lost my mind? Why do I keep putting myself out there knowing all the horrible stuff he has done and sneaky stuff, the lies, the hurt and pain.
Because you are a GOOD human. This kind gesture is what good humans do for others. You feel the pain that he is losing his mother and so do a kind act for him.
This behavior is NORMAL for good people. The problem is you are dealing with a BAD human who does not have empathy or compassion for you or even his mother or anyone else.
He played mind tricks on you so that you keep going back for more abuse. It’s like a dog that gets kicked off the porch by it’s owner the dog keeps going back think that the human will be kind…one day the dog finally realize that he’s best on his own. and runs away from his abusers.
It takes time to open up our minds from the manipulation of a sociopath. Be kind to yourself during this process. Keep reading, write here or in a journal. Write a list of the mean calculating things he has done to you and others. And, when you think he is “good” read that list you wrote out.
Remember breaks ups with a sociopath are NOT normal breakups. They dont give you any closure…why? Because they want to keep you in their grips incase they cant find another supply (victim). This is why when they discard you that you FOCUS ON YOUR HEALING not them.
Take care of yourself. Put yourself #1 right now. Get a vitamin and mineral test to see what you are deficient in. Most victims of abuse are suffering from PTSD…most likely you and this is why you are still accepting his bad behavior. So get your health back in order. FOCUS on YOU and your kids. you are going to get thru all of this pain and thrive again. 💚💚💚
September 4, 2022 at 11:40 am #68599Donna AndersenKeymaster
monique007 – What you are dealing with is a trauma bond. The way this man has treated you creates a psychological bond in you that is highly addictive. You know this man is bad for you, yet you keep trying to turn him into a non-abuser. Unfortunately, it will never work. He will never change. He will never give you what you want and deserve.
I recommend that you read, “The Betrayal Bond,” by Patrick Carnes. It explains exactly what you are going through. The book also has worksheets to help you escape and recover.
The most important step is No Contact. That means exactly what it says – you do not contact him, no email, no Facebook, no stopping by after the dog park. No Contact.
It also means No Contact with all of his family. Even if you care for his mother, it is not healthy for you to be in touch with her. You need to put yourself first.
This may seem overwhelming and too much to do. Keep in mind that you are overcoming an addiction. Therefore, follow the advice from 12-step programs – one day at a time.
Do not contact him today.
Then do not contact him tomorrow. Then the next day.
Keep stringing the days of No Contact together. The longer you stay away, the more his grip on your mind and heart will dissipate.
You need to do this for you and your family.
September 4, 2022 at 9:12 pm #68606
Take care for you and your family. Blessings
September 5, 2022 at 4:38 pm #68608
I am so appreciative of your comments. I didn’t see them until now. I really wished I could of have seen it yesterday. Because I indeed was played for a fool. He was messaging me while I was at the dog park. I told him I would pick up a few drinks and head over to get an update on his mom. He continued to text within 5 minutes of my arrival. When I arrived he wasn’t home. What 52 year old man plays games like this. I asked why he lead me to believe that he was home. He responded “I’m kinda busy”. I felt like a young girl in school being bullied. Is that a narc with something else brewing??? This is just bizarre that a man, at that age, plays games like that and I haven’t forgotten the entire creation of my fake profile on FB. It’s unbelievably concerning. I love this man, it doesn’t mean I like him, but those behaviours I would expect from a mean child. If anyone can shed some light on that I would be extremely grateful as I just shake my head in disbelief.
I was angry yesterday, but I didn’t react after his comment of “being busy.” That’s what he wanted, perhaps, or he just genuinely hates me and wants me to suffer. I didn’t do anything wrong and I keep telling myself that.
I’m going to download and read the book you suggested.
Thank you so much. No contact, No contact, No contact.
September 6, 2022 at 9:54 am #68612
Name change protecting privacy.
September 6, 2022 at 10:03 am #68613
I was having a strong day yesterday. I managed to not contact him. As I was heading to bed, his sister called. She is traveling to see her mother before she passes. Their mother only has a few days left on this earth.
I immediately felt pain and sadness and I did not sleep a wink. I know that he must be hurting. I feel that if I do not contact him, I am going to come across as uncaring even though he does not deserve my sympathy. I am a caring human, and I feel it is the right thing to do.
September 6, 2022 at 11:47 am #68614
Hi Love, dont contact him!! Keep the no contact in place. This is a life lesson you have to learn. You feel pain of others…but, he does not feel YOUR pain he is causing! He never will.
Every time to contact him you start the pain process all over again.
Get off the emotional & mentally abusive roller coster ride hon.
The purpose of the NO CONTACT RULE is for YOU to heal not to push him. IT”S FOR YOU. Be kind to yourself and follow it. It’s not easy. Keep your mind busy with other things. If he pops in your mind brush your teeth, or write in a journel what he has done to you to cause you pain or clean something in your home or pick up a hobby you do to distract your mind.
You need to think about also cutting his sister out of your life until you heal. She maybe a trigger for you causing you to think about him.
Stay strong. Just because you are a “Caring human” does NOT mean you should allow people to walk all over you or treat you bad. You have to learn to cut those types out of your life. Once you do this once you will have an easier time to cut others out that are emotional & mentally abusive towards you. You will learn it’s ok to cut people out. You will learn that you have to protect yourself from abuse (read the book Gift of fear By gavin debecker (see Donna’s post on this book) your library may have it.
September 6, 2022 at 7:16 pm #68619
September 9, 2022 at 5:43 pm #68626
I found out today that my ex’s mother died last night. I am full of sadness. I’m even more sad that his sister notified me late this afternoon and not my ex. He could have given me a short text to let me know. Everyone knew but me. I’ve always considered his family, my family. We are that close. I loved his mom so much. I have not messaged him. I’m torn. Do I go to the funeral or not? I’m afraid of his reaction if I go to pay my respects. Just thinking about his reaction I feel pins and needles all over me because of the anxiety. What’s the right thing to do?
September 10, 2022 at 10:25 am #68630
Hi Love, READ YOUR FIRST POST that you posted on Lovefraud as to why he is abusive towards you.
You need to start educating yourself hon. Donna suggested a great book for you to read and everyone has posted articles and terms for you to look up to break your mind free from his control.
GET YOUR HEALTH IN ORDER…you’re stressed out…you have anxiety this will cause you not to think clearly and to do things you would not normally do ie constantly want to talk to him or meet up with him.
Break the addiction cycle. Go to your local abuse center for free counseling and women group meetings ALL FREE.
FOLLOW THE NO CONTRACT RULE = this is the answer to a peaceful & happy life.
Dont go to the funeral. You are going to see him. FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE!!
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Jan7.
September 10, 2022 at 3:57 pm #68635
She is your children’s grandmother? Will your children be going?
September 10, 2022 at 5:22 pm #68636
No Sunny…this is not the father of her children. This is a man she dated.
September 10, 2022 at 6:13 pm #68637
Monique. He is toxic. His family is toxic to you. Follow Jan’s advice. Go No Contact. Find a new interest or hobby blessings
September 11, 2022 at 7:00 pm #68645
September 13, 2022 at 12:28 am #68662
September 20, 2022 at 4:42 am #68687
It’s been over a week since I’ve been able to put my thoughts down. I appreciate all the advice that is suggested to me. I read the articles and listen to the audible books.
I know what I’m supposed to do, but cannot seem to detach myself. I watch videos and read about trauma bonding and it describes what I’m going through.
A week ago I did attend the funeral. I sat behind the reserve seats behind my previous family. I put myself through hell. It was emotional enough coming to terms with the death, but also as I was mourning the death of the failed relationship. I thought I should be there next to my ex supporting him, what are people thinking with me sitting in another pew, etc.
His family grabbed me one by one with hugs before the funeral and after.
I kept my distance from my ex and he did the same. There was small talk while he passed by me a few times. I was preoccupied with his family and he was as well.
After everything was said and done I arrived home. The next day my mind had taken over. The sadness and grief and the crying began. I was back to square one. A huge setback. It was like the first day of our breakup. I should have never gone and, I knew I shouldn’t have gone.
A week has gone by. I was going out yesterday and noticed my ex’s sympathy card on the floor of the back seat of the car. We do not live far from each other. A 10 min drive. I had in my head, I would just drop the card on his steps and leave immediately.
When I drove up his driveway, his garage door was open and there he sat. I was faced with reality. Another woman sitting in “my chair” in his garage as well. How can this be possible. It was the first time my ex had been ever speechless. He was caught. I was surprisingly calm. I assumed it was because of what I had been reading about the “new source”.
Her face was so fimilar because I had seen it before. I had seen that face in a picture after I had moved out. He accidentally showed me while he was showing me a picture of our dog on his phone. I never questioned him. Why bother? It would end up in a fight.
The girl left when I arrived and I remained. It was all making sense. When I asked him about her he said they were just friends that she had stopped by to offer her condolences. As he spoke I listened to every word of lies, I had no emotion, but analyzed him continuously. He started to blame me for things. He called me selfish and tried to turn things around on me. I was not in shock because my knowledge of a narc helped me understand what he was doing. I left as he had an appointment by FaceTime.
I feel like a fool, but I believe seeing him with this girl has made me realize how severe he is sick. I’m not feeling any emotion at all at the moment. That may change. I feel I still need answers and closure for myself.
September 20, 2022 at 11:02 am #68690
Sometimes validation hurts. But now you know — he has been grooming someone new for quite a while. His treatment of you makes sense now, if you think on it. He has moved on to his “bigger better thing” – for a sociopath that means a new victim – one who is not troublesome, who does not question him, who does not know his tricks, who is easier to manipulate and torment. If you really think about it, this should make you proud — that you have become troublesome to him. You are no longer easy. Manipulating you takes too much work. Good for you! Sociopaths live for the pain they can cause. They glory in making someone else squirm and twist. They delight in seeing their victims bow down to them. But they are so easily bored. It’s no longer fun when it comes too easy…or when it is too difficult. Yes, it hurts. But remember – he gets pleasure from your hurt. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Go back to TOTAL No Contact. Concentrate on YOU now – he is dead to you.
September 20, 2022 at 12:54 pm #68691
Monique Take Emilies advice. Go NO CONTACT. Blessings
September 20, 2022 at 12:59 pm #68692
ahh Love hon, I’m so sorry that you are suffering so much prior, during and after this funeral.
The loss of his mother is a heart ache on top of the loss of this relationship and your close ties to this family. All are major grief that you will need to sort out individually.
Emillie’s post above is spot on as aways. read her post several times.
“I know what I’m supposed to do, but cannot seem to detach myself.”
This is normal for a victim of sociopathic abuse. Donna has many articles on this. Breakups with sociopaths are not like a normal break up. WHY? the sociopaths has used many manipulative tactics to hi-jack your brain to bond you to them that you need to unravel their brain washing & mind control.
Now you will need to work on re-programing your brain with old good habits & thoughts you had prior to this relationship. How do you do this? by re-contacting old friends, your family and having converstations with them, going to old places you use to visit and old hobbies you use to do prior to this relationship and also look at old childhood photos to awaken your mind.
When I drove up his driveway, his garage door was open and there he sat. I was faced with reality. Another woman sitting in “my chair” in his garage as well.
I’m sorry that you had to see this I know this must have been extremely painful for you to witness and also connect the dots with the photo of her you saw and he his lies about this women.
However this was a POWERFUL MOMENT to break the spell he has over you. As shocking as it is to see the “other women” (who is NOT the ENEMY please remember that she is also a victim) it is a gift to free yourself from his control & power over your mind.
I know that for me it was incredible sad, shocking and brought up anger when I finally had proof of my husbands 2 year affair. Of course at the time I did not know he was a sociopath…but, it was a crumb in the path to escape the hell I was enduring. My ex of course was so so manipulative after I found out and convinced me to say by using all of this tool bag of manipulation tactics such as “blame shifting” (lookup) blaming me for his affair..when that did not work he literally sobbed = this is “pity me manipulation” = all a con game to get me to stay…the whole time I wanted to leave that was my gut instinct. However he wore me down emotionally & mentally even got his friends to help me stay. So crazy when I look back and I am so glad to be free…and one day Love YOU WILL SAY THE SAME. this shifted in mindset does not happen over night.
‘As he spoke I listened to every word of lies, I had no emotion, but analyzed him continuously. He started to blame me for things. He called me selfish and tried to turn things around on me. I was not in shock because my knowledge of a narc helped me understand what he was doing.”
BRAVO hon..ALL of your studying (videos and reading books/Donna’s amazing site here at lovefraud articles) is paying off. YOU HEAR THE LIES…YOU SEE HIS CON GAME!! Bravo pat your self on the back hon!!! 👏this is how you break your mind free of his mind control. Keep analysising everything and write down what you learned and how he is controlling your mind on paper. And, when you have doubts about him…read what you wrote down to reopen your mind.
“also as I was mourning the death of the failed relationship.”
Absolutely you are mourning the “death” of this relationship. I want you to turn this statement around thou. You need to give yourself a break and realize YOU ESCAPED A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP! YOU SOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF for doing this it is not easy to escape a toxic relationship!! this is NOT a “failure” this is a TRIUMPH AND VERY BRAVE ACCOMPLISHMENT. 💪
HIS “relationship” will always be “failures”…he is incapable of a healthy happy relationship with ANYONE.
Leaving this relationship is NOT YOUR “failed relationship”. You did not have the knowledge of sociopathic behavior to avoid this sociopath. NOW YOU DO…remember KNOWLEDGE IS POWER…now you will listen to your gut instincts to avoid these evil people. When in doubt of a new relationship in the future you have the tools of knowlege and also Lovefraud articles/books to avoid these evil types.
I know you feel like this was a “failed relationship” this is how WE ALL FELT when leaving. WHY? because we are brain washed to believe that ALL relationship should “work out”. this is not reality. Relationships come and go.
⭐️And, if a relationship is TOXIC and EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLLy abusive we MUST END THESE TYPES OF RELATONSHIPS ASAP THE FAILURE WOULD BE TO CONTINUE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP NOT LEAVE THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. ⭐️
THE FAILURE WOULD BE STAYING IN THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
I know you are suffering in pain. But, I promise you that you will get thur this emotional & mental pain. It takes times…one day at a time…some days one hour at a time…some hours one minute at a time.
keep reading, keep posting, keep analysing ALL his lying words & actions.
SENDING HUGE HUGS LOVE. Im sorry for the lose of his mother. 🌹🌹🌹💔
take care. 💙
September 20, 2022 at 7:00 pm #68695
Thank you all your advice and comments and words of encouragement.
It’s difficult. My pain is not going to disappear overnight, but I wish it would.
The thought of him being with someone else feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart.
You made a good point about this other girl being a victim. I did not view her in that way. I viewed her as a threat. I was kind, but direct with her.
After I left his home I acted on impulse. I sent this girl a message. I apologized for having to meet her in that way. I told her I was surprised to see a woman at his home, because I’ve never encountered that before. I told her that my ex is grieving over his mom and that his family and friends are trying to help him the best way they know how. My last comment was, if her intentions were more then offering him condolences (that’s what my ex tried to make me believe) that she may want to steer in a different direction. (End of message)
Instead of her responding to me, she contacted my ex. He texted me and said “how dare I treat his friend with that level of disrespect” He said I had solidified his decision of being done with me” “ he said I caused him death by a thousand cuts” 🙄
This morning I woke up and regretted ever messaging her. My mind took over the best of me. As you said, she is a victim too. I made him angry and that was something I did not want.
God give me the strength to overcome this. I cannot put Netflix on as that’s what we would do together. Listening to music brings back memories. Just the thought of going through the winter alone depresses me. Just being alone scares me. There are days where I’m just surviving and not living. Mornings are the worse. It would be nice when I’m having a good day and feeling positive with myself that it would remain. It’s so exhausting to plough through this. I don’t even know how I keep going.
I read somewheres that it usually takes 5.5 years for an individual to fully recover from abuse. I don’t think you ever recover fully. It’s such a long time and I lose hope. I lose hope that I will ever love someone again. To even think about loving someone else kills me. I cry as I think of this. My heart hurts.
I will be listening to Donna on YouTube tonight.. her talks are helpful
September 20, 2022 at 7:52 pm #68696
Love, you will get thru this pain. Pick up a hobbie or two like embroidery (lots of your tube vids on how to do this craft) or music instruments to take your mind away and get thru the winter months.
I know your heart hurts…I look back and cant even believe that I made it thru that pain & endless emotions…but, I did, and so did Donna and everyone here like Sunny & Emillie and so will you. 💜
In the morning maybe do some exercise lots of great exercise you tube channels like Walk at home, Befit, Sugar pops etc where you dont even need equipment. Doing some exercise sends blood to our brains and helps with beat depression and anxiety. Dr Daniel Amen a brain expert and counselor says that exercise is far better then anti-depressants. Watch his vids on you tube they are really good and also look up his video on yt “Dr Daniel amen depression”.
Hope you have a good night tonight. take care 🌊
September 20, 2022 at 7:54 pm #68697
ps Love…dont contact this woman again. If she contacts you to figure out his odd & abusive behavior then talk to her…but, for you dont contact her because she could call the police and say you are harrassing her or he could manipulate her to do so. So keep clear. And, just vent your thougths out on paper or come here.
September 21, 2022 at 8:50 am #68700
You might watch the Paul Zak Ted talk on OxyContin He is a very bright guy
September 22, 2022 at 4:23 pm #68704
I watched the video last night. Thank you for suggesting.
Today has been a very rough day. I’ve been crying since this morning and it’s now 5pm my time. I feel drained.
I haven’t spoke to him since Monday. Receiving his harsh message.
“How dare you message a friend.
Do you recall when you told me that often times you speak and message without thinking? Well, this was one of them and will be the last time.
When words were spoken of it being done and over between you and I you pretty much solidified my decision.
Death by a thousand cuts… a thousand cuts 😢.
I just want to release myself from this hell. I can’t stop thinking about all the good memories.
I have a work function tomorrow with a reception. He has always gone to these with me. I’m sad that I’ll be going alone.
I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to do. It just doesn’t help. I look back and try to understand how could this have happened. He, in my heart, was my like partner. Despite everything, he was my best friend.
I don’t understand why god would create such unempathic humans to destroy others. How can he just fake his love for me for these last 6 years and not miss one thing about me? I gave him everything.
I keep replaying what happened. If I kept my mouth shut about my feelings where would we be now?
I hope my children never experience this type of pain. 😢
September 22, 2022 at 4:59 pm #68705
Love&pain. Glad you watched the video. I think he is very sharp and very very bright! I just accept that there are disordered individuals and we need to spot them and learn to protect ourselves! Blessings
September 23, 2022 at 8:02 am #68706
If your children are educated that psychopaths exist, they can spot them and avoid them. Education is important.
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