How do I know?

This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #46594


    Can someone please tell me how do I know the person I met is a narcissistic or sociopath? Here is my story. Please don’t judge. I met a man, who was married. He claimed that he was unhappily married and in a roommate type situation. I’d never in my life talk or develop anything with a married man. I’m ashamed of myself but he chased me. For weeks. He was a musician in a band and we became friends that way.

    He would constantly tell me that he needed a change in his life. He has 3 kids and I told him I would not break up a family. He obsessed over me, and somehow I let him in and we became best friends. Or so I thought. He would call me daily, want to see me , this went on for 7 months. I can never truly describe how close we became. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate. He would be jealous if other people talked to me- almost rage. He would scream and cry and just get really possessive. He was married? I told him. He said he was stuck. He couldn’t leave his wife and we had to start fading apart. I realized the timeframe he chased me was the end of August ( his wife is a school teacher) and the time he started to say we needed to fade apart was getting close to May when school was out for the summer. It started to make sense to me and I just had a feeling this was a seasonal thing he does. I found out from a friend, he was writing her too on social media. I was devastated and shocked. Despite the fact he was stuck I didn’t think he did this to people, I thought it was just me and him had a special bond. When it finally blew up I called him out on it he started spreading lies about me. I tried to explain to people how he chased after me. How he would say he was in love with me. How can I tell if he is a narcissist?? Or just a cheating a hole. Please help.

  • #46613

    Donna Andersen

    sbff8 – the guy is a classic sociopath. If you keep reading these pages you’ll find elements of your story repeated over and over again.

    No Contact is the answer. Do not talk to him ever again.

  • #46619


    I had sociopath that was married with a bunch of kids after me. He tried to get me to have an emotional affair with him and he acted like he was obsessed with me and stalked me. I couldn’t get rid of this guy. I did not want to date him cause we are both married. Thanks to lovefraud I was able to see through all the red flags, and go no contact with this creep, and finally get rid of him for good.

    • #46625


      Thank you for writing I’m so glad I found this site. I’m just still in a bit of shock that I did not realize how manipulative he was. I was the one who finally told him to go jump off a cliff- and I haven’t heard a word from him since. I almost in a way feel like I gave him a way out and it infuriates me

    • #46928


      angelstar- i’m surprized to hear one of these nutcases came after a married woman. how they usually target the singles. how did you get rid of him?

  • #46620


    Sbff8, I’m so sorry that you have been caught up in a nightmare with this con artist sociopath. It’s a heart ache for sure. Please know that sociopath target good kindhearted people. We know that you are one of these, so rest assured you are at the right place to heal. Sending you HUGE hugs!! 💜💜💜

    I agree with Donna. This guy is a classic sociopath playing endless mind games for you to accept that he is “married” and “stuck” and continue an affair with him. It’s good that you are analyzing the relationship & putting two & two together with regards to when he wants you & when he doesn’t want you. This means you are not in denial any longer & are willing to see the truth of who this con artist man really is & this will lead to peace, calmness & your healing.

    What this guy did to suck you into his con game is called “Love bombing” (or another term is grooming). Look up the term Love bombing here on Lovefraud. Calling you daily is love bombing. So is sending gifts, cards or stopping by your home if he did this too is Love bombing. My ex h called me 5 to 10 times a day & left recording on my phone even though he knew I was at work and he would stop by without a call. I thought his behavior was strange & half the time did not return his calls. He would then stop by disrupting what ever I had planned. This is what sociopath do = RED flag.

    It took great courage for you to post your story and you will find that Lovefraud is a safe place for you to vent & ask questions, as we all know how sociopaths can literally con anyone & everyone into their con game, whether as a girlfriend, wife, mistress, co worker, neighbor, friend etc. So know that you are at a safe place to education yourself on this wonderful site that Donna & Terry have created for all of us.

    With that said, I will give you the “wife” version of what is going on in their home. She has seen RED flags since day one. She too was conned into his con game…she might have been the “mistress” or just a “supply” when his previous girlfriend before her jumped ship. Either way he is playing mind games also on her to stay in the abusive marriage.

    She (his wife) wants out most likely of the emotional, mental & verbally abusive marriage. At least this was me. Like you, I did not want to date him or move in or marry my ex husband, a sociopath. Like you have experience, sociopath have a agenda and they want their agenda at all cost. They will steam role over anyones boundaries to get what they want & need. This man has steam rolled over your ethical & moral boundaries (not dating a married man) they know precisely how to con people, know that this does not make you a bad person. You are dealing with a masterful manipulator who has been conning people since he was a young child first with his own parents, school kids, teachers etc and now with adults.

    What did my ex want from me? He wanted me to move in with him to pay his mortgage & to pay all his bills. I did not want to move in. He was very crafty about asking for money and not the first few weeks I lived with him. I now realize he had many women on the side when we were just first dating, when moving in with him & during our whole marriage.

    He kept my head spinning the entire relationships by creating chaos & drama. This guy is using the same tactics on you as all sociopath do.

    What does this guy want with you? Looks like sex…but he could want money, a place to live, your car, everything you have or he just wants to emotionally break you down because he is bored. They are pure pure pure evil. What ever he says about his wife = DO NOT BELIEVE a word of his lies!!

    Look up these terms here on Lovefraud & the net:

    Sociopath smear campaign
    Sociopath triangulation
    gas lighting abuse
    sociopath hypnosis (YES!! sociopath use hypnosis & trance)
    sociopath trance
    Sociopath no contact rule

    pathological liar
    Madonna & whore complex

    On the net look up:

    Sociopath Madonna & whore complex (this will explain why the sociopath needs to have a wife or main girlfriend and then have many women on the side. They all have a agenda and need many “supplies” to fill their soulless mind.

    Keep reading it will open your mind up to all his mind games & this will set you free from him.

    Sending you huge hugs hon!! 💜💜💜 Glad you had the courage to research & post.

    Wishing you all the best. Take care.

    PS. if you go to the top of Lovefruad (Video tab) Donna as posted many videos that will help you to understand how you were conned by this sociopath. Also up at the top under Bookstore tab you will find many books that will help you heal. I would recommend that you buy Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath by Donna Anderson (love fraud creator). All of this will help you to see the truth & set you free from this evil sociopath.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Jan7.
    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Jan7.
    • #46626


      I just am in complete shock that I found out he was writing to other people. Friends of mine. I would never talk or carry on an affair with a married man and I’m ashamed. No woman deserves that there are rules among us women. He chased me, wrote me songs, said he loved me at first site and his wife and him were simply roommates. I never once told him I would be with him, although I did love him. He became my best friend. He knew so much about my life and I thought I knew of his. Once I found out he was writing other people I flipped out. He said he was sorry and he was “sick” and getting help. I went to two people close to him and confided in them on our 7-8 month relationship. The man I was seeing gave these people a private picture of me- that I had exchanged with him. They then sent me a picture to my cell phone- of envelopes with my jobs address and friends address on the envelopes with my picture taped to the front. They said if I ever contacted him again thst the envelopes would be mailed. Like this was my fault. I told them the truth what he was doing. He is married not me. They said I was a home wrecker and all I was was a side [email protected]@@ and he wanted nothing to do with me. This is a man that despite any romantic relationship was my friend. I’m devastated. He has a wife and I feel awful I let myself be tricked. Now- it’s been 30 days since I heard from him. I feel no closure and I know I should never ever want to speak to him but I want to know why? Why me? I was a good person to him. I am so grateful I found this site. He seems to be back to his life. Being a good husband. Like I never existed and it’s really painful.

  • #46622


    like jan, wishing you all the best.

  • #46627

    Donna Andersen

    sbff8 – now what you are experiencing is called a “smear campaign.” The guy probably went to the people you know a long time ago and told them (with mock outrage and horror) that you were pursuing him. So by the time you went to them, they believed that you were the one who initiated everything.

    Sometimes there isn’t much you can do about a smear campaign. Usually we advise deciding who is important to you and who is not. If someone is important, you try to explain what really happened. If they are not important, you write them off.

    Yes, it is shocking. But it is, unfortunately, so typical of a sociopath.

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