How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › How do I move forward/ is he really out of my life?
September 13, 2021 at 12:53 pm #66464
Sorry for how long this story is guys but it just feels therapeutic to get most of it out, any advice would be strongly appreciated 🙂
A few months ago I met this guy who seemed lovely- he told me he was 26 so I gave him my number, at the time I didn’t think it would amount to anything since he lived 5 hours away and I had met him whilst visiting his city for the weekend. However, we quickly began exchanging hundreds of messages and this quickly turned into hours and hours of phone calls. Within two weeks we met up and we ended up spending the whole weekend together.
It was amazing and he was so charming. He would tell me that we had a special connection and that he had never clicked with anyone like this before. We saw each other every weekend from that moment and all was going well. However, things got a bit strange when I was visiting him one weekend and discovered all of his friends were in their late 30s/ early 40s. I questioned him about it and he confessed that he wasn’t 26 like he had told me but he was in fact 36. I am only 22 so this was a massive age gap for me which made me uncomfortable but more importantly he had lied. I initially broke things off but he convinced me we had a ‘special connection’ and that age was just a number so I forgave him.
However, I still felt a bit betrayed and needed a weekends break from seeing him so I decided to go on a trip with a friend to get my mind off of it. My partner said he would miss me but wished that I would have a good time. All was well until the Saturday night when me and my friend went to some bars for a few drinks. I turned my phone off since he was texting and calling and I just wanted to enjoy myself. A few hours later I turned it back on and answered his calls and he went completely mental and was being extremely aggressive. He accused me of going off with other guys and not caring about our relationship. I was so shocked as he had never spoken to me like this and had only ever been the loveliest guy on the planet. I couldn’t get a word in before he hung up and blocked me. I was so shocked I couldn’t believe it.
The next day however, he unblocked me and wanted to talk. Initially he said he was gutted how things had turned out because he thought ‘I was the one’. I stood my ground and said I was gutted as well as I really like you but I think you have completely over-reacted. The conversation was long but it ended up with us making up and him promising to never do anything to upset me again. Things for a while were good after this but he would constantly make little ‘innocent’ digs about this night which caused me to stop going out drinking with my friends as I didn’t want to upset him and have an argument again.
We didn’t have any more arguments after that night but he would constantly make digs about me running off with other men, how all my friends love male attention and he would ask me to not wear revealing clothes as I was for ‘his eyes only’. I know it’s stupid but at the time I just thought it meant he cared about me and he had told me about how he had been cheated on in the past by his ex-so I just thought he was insecure but this would go away when he realised I was trustworthy.
We carried on meeting up every weekend for months so it got to a point where he said it made sense for us to live together. He told me that he would move to my town if he could but his brother was seriously ill and that he couldn’t leave his niece until his brother recovered. He assured me that it would only be for 6-12 months and then we would move back to my home town. I didn’t feel comfortable with it but I agreed that it made sense to move in together and he made me feel as if he couldn’t leave his niece (I never met her so there is a chance this niece does not even exist). I was worried as he lived 5 hours away and I would not know anyone except him but he convinced me that he would look after me and it would be an ‘adventure’ so I agreed.
The only problem is I have very protective parents and they would not let me move five hours away from all my family and friends for a complete stranger to them and so he would have to meet them before we planned to move. He agreed and was even excited, he told me that they would be okay with me going once they saw that I was in ‘safe hands’ and that ‘I would be looked after’.
My parents initially really liked him. He completely charmed them and brought them gifts and took us all out for meals. He was respectful and said all the right things. They were happy for me as I had never felt like this before about someone and could see how loved up I was with him. However, my Dad was a little suspicious that he had no social media presence and that there was no information about him or the company he claimed to have. He did some digging for a few weeks before he finally discovered the truth.
The reason why there was no internet trail of this man is because he had told me a fake name and was in fact 37. The reason for him giving me the fake identity is because when you type in his real name lots of articles come up about him and his criminal past. It turns out he had been to prison for 8 years for armed robbery of a bank and had also committed other crimes like criminal damage and violence. I was absolutely horrified and had never been so shocked in my whole life.
I was/ am devastated. I sent him a quick text saying my parents have done their research and found out who you really are don’t ever speak to me again. He sent me thousands of texts and phone calls that I initially wanted to answer/ respond to but my parents wouldn’t let me. They even rang up my phone company and cut off my number so I wouldn’t give into temptation. He then sent me emails, flowers, made social media accounts to contact me on my social media, etc. When I ignored all of that he did the five hour drive to try and talk to me. He figured I was staying with my parents so came here but they wouldn’t let him speak to me so he eventually left. He then showed up at my work but luckily I told my manager about the situation and she has been letting me work from home for the moment so he didn’t manage to speak to me there either.
He gave up for about a week and I thought he had given up but then he showed up at my house again. My parents called the police and I think due to his background they arrested him straight away. My parents told them that he had been stalking me but I felt awful that he had been arrested as I didn’t think he had done anything to hurt me and wasn’t convinced he had been ‘stalking’ me. They released him on bail and he has been ordered not to contact me or come anywhere close to where I live but since I am not pressing charges these conditions end in a few days.
I am now scared about what his next move will be. Will he leave me alone now the police are involved? Will he try and come to the house again? I just don’t know and I am terrified as I have no idea who he truly is. The worst part is I am absolutely desperate to talk to him because I just want to hear him explain, I am missing the fake charming character he made me fall in love with so badly but I have to remind myself that that is completely fake and I have to maintain the no contact rule. I just don’t know what to do, I feel devastated, scared, confused all of it. Has anyone got any advice because I just can’t move forward in my life at the moment, he consumes my mind 24/7. Thank you so much for reading.
September 13, 2021 at 1:12 pm #66465
Stephanie…I’m so sorry for what you have been through. He would be very stupid to keep showing up because he will keep getting arrested. You need to get a protection from abuse order. Given his criminal history he’s probably a psychopath. Nothing he says will explain any of his behavior and he’ll just try to suck you back in so just cut all contact. Shut down your social media and any other way for him to reach you. The longer you are away from him the easier it will be. By all means call the police any time he shows up. There needs to be a paper trail to show his behavior. You really need to press charges as well
- This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by angel12034.
September 13, 2021 at 2:00 pm #66467
Thank you so much for your response, yes I know no contact is the best thing it is just the hardest thing in the world. I feel so betrayed and am trying to convince myself that it all wasn’t completely fake and don’t know how to stop thinking like this. I guess what you said is true though it will get easier with time. His bail ends this Saturday and if he does indeed leave me alone after that then hopefully I can make a start on moving forward. At the moment I am still in shock and it will definitely take time.
Thanks again for your response. 🙂
September 13, 2021 at 2:09 pm #66469
Trust me….the hardest thing for me was realizing everything he said could have been a lie. He said I was beautiful. I used to think I was. I’m slowly getting that back. It’s a process. And not an easy one. Even if one little thing wasn’t a lie….it wouldn’t make up for all the bad. You have to think of it this way…that no contact will bother him the most. I wish I would have known that aspect before I took him back again and again. I had to tell him how I felt and what he did wrong but he just suckered me back in
September 13, 2021 at 4:55 pm #66470
Yes this seems to be the hardest thing for me as well. I suffer from very low self-esteem and he would shower me with compliments. The fact that it was all fake from him has completely killed whatever was left of my self-esteem. I think I am quite vulnerable and just want to be loved and desperately don’t want it to be fake- I know if I talk to him I would get sucked back in too so I will make sure to not give into temptation. Thank you for your insight and I am so very sorry for what you have gone through as well, I am sure you are a beautiful person and your words have helped me a lot these last few hours.
September 13, 2021 at 5:27 pm #66473
I believe that they target women with self esteem issues. Most women have them. Do not believe that every single thing he said was a lie. I’m sure he believes that you are beautiful because they must make themselves look good out in public. That was my ex’s thing. He’d say he loved being out in public with me. You have to believe you are beautiful and you have to love yourself before you start dating again or you will keep meeting men like him.
September 13, 2021 at 2:05 pm #66468honest7726Participant
I am sorry for the way things turned out. Please for sure follow the above steps to protect yourself from him.
He is a pyscopath for sure and he copied your amazing personality to make you feel you are so similar. You have a kind and giving heart that is why you were chosen as the prey you could say. He has you addicted to his fake identity but and reading up about these sorts of people helps get understanding and closure.
Keep yourself busy is the key and I read this book which really helped me it’s was called healing from a nassisttic relationship. Read any books like that you give you understanding of what actually happened to you.
You are lucky that you got out and God saved you.
Keep posting we are all here to supoort you.
Blessings sent your way ❤️
September 13, 2021 at 4:59 pm #66471
Wow thank you for your amazingly kind words, I will definitely make sure to look up your recommendations as closure is what I feel like I desperately need hence me wanting to speak to him, despite knowing it’s not a good idea! I do feel very lucky as I know how bad my life would have been if he got his way and made me move in with him away from all of my friends and family. I count my blessings everyday but am just struggling to move on and get him out of my head. Hopefully it will get easier with time, thank you 🙂
September 13, 2021 at 5:10 pm #66472
Something else that makes me a bit anxious is that he would often say about how he was going to marry me and put a baby in me soon, etc. even though we had only been dating a few months. He said that I would never be getting rid of him EVER which even at the time creeped me out a bit but now I am terrified. I keep hearing these words and it makes me think, even with the police involved is he really going to let me go? He would also say ‘my debts were his debts’ even though I don’t even have any debts but I now understand this to be a big red flag as I know these kind of people are obsessed with money. I have a little bit of savings and a small amount of shares in my fathers company that is doing well at the moment which may be another reason why he has targeted me? I just feel so many emotions right now. I feel devastated that it was all an act, I feel angry at how much he has manipulated me and what his plans for me were and scared that he is a likely psychopath that has a very violent past that could potentially do something to hurt me! Despite all this I just can’t help the feelings of wanting to talk to him but don’t worry, I won’t act on these feelings I know it is the worst thing I can do, I just want him out of my head 🙁
September 13, 2021 at 5:34 pm #66474
He said those things to trap you and make your life hell. Can you imagine marrying him? Can you imagine splitting custody of a child? I,like you, am grateful that neither of those things happened to me. What they do is called love bombing to suck you in. They say you are sudden soul mates. My ex wanted to move in quickly but I never let him. Mine was all about sex though so he did give me money to keep it going I guess. There are many different types of these guys. Mine is a psychopath as well, he just doesn’t have a criminal history, but they aren’t all violent. It does get easier I promise. I’m only three months out but I’m in such a better state then the last time I saw him. Knowing that they cannot change has sealed the deal for me
September 13, 2021 at 6:40 pm #66475
Wow well done on being so strong and congratulations on being 3 months contact free, I am currently 3 weeks contact free and everyday does feel better like he’s getting out of my head more and more. Your advice has made me feel a lot better and yeah knowing he can’t change and any future with him, especially tied down with kids would indeed be hell. I hope and pray it’s all over with him now and that the police involvement, no contact and distance between us will mean that he truly leaves me alone so that I can move on.
September 13, 2021 at 6:43 pm #66476
I’m glad you are feeling better. His criminal history is probably a blessing in disguise. We all would like our ex’s to be locked up
September 13, 2021 at 8:20 pm #66479polestarParticipant
Hi Stephanie –
What you are suffering from ( I believe ) is called ” Cognitive Dissonance . When you aren’t aware of this psychological phenomenon, and the process is in effect, it can literally ” drive you crazy “. What it all means is that our brains want things to all match up, and when they don’t, it causes severe anxiety. And the lack of peace compels us to resolve the mismatch. So, in your case, you had and still have love feelings ( from being love bombed ), but at the same time, you have feelings of fear ( from finding out about his criminal history ). But our minds are like computers and so it is beeping and beeping ” malfunction, malfunction ” in big red letters. So the stress of this compels us to act in order to resolve this conflict. There are other dissonances as well, like his gifts and courtly manner verses his abhorrent lies. As this happens as the result of having come in contact with these kinds of psychologically sick people, many many targets don’t understand about the cognitive dissonance, and run back to the abuser to get relief. The abuser will give them a little dose of love bomb, and all the anxiety seems to go away. But then the negative behaviors start up again, and the target now is back with the anxiety and runs again for another dose. In the end it turns into a ” Traumatic Bond ” ( that’s what its called ) and the bond gets stronger and stronger and the target gets so trapped and then gets very very psychologically sick. So, I say, count your lucky stars that your dad found out the truth about this guy, and literally saved you from a life of hell. The way to get out of the anxiety of Cognitive Dissonance is to focus your attention on someone else who does love you or who you love very much. Jackson McKensie, in his book called ” Psychopath Free ” talks about a ” constant ” who is someone or something that brings peace to you. You can make it a practice in which every time the thought of the jerk comes to mind, switch your attention to your constant. What comes to my mind, for you, is to think of your dad and what he did for you. How much he saved your from a horrific nightmare, and how he was really there for you when you most needed him. But on the other hand, the constant you may want to choose could be a really good friend, or a pet or even someone who authored a book that inspired you. or a beautiful memory. In any case, I congratulate you for all that you have been doing to continue with ” no Contact “.
September 15, 2021 at 6:13 pm #66482Donna AndersenKeymaster
Stephanie0510 – the guy is a classic psychopath. We have lots of information about them here on Lovefraud. Keep reading – I’m sure you’ll find lots of articles that sound just like him.
The problem with these relationships is that they are highly addictive. You get used to the love bombing, so that you begin to crave it. Psychopaths employ strategies like intermittent reinforcement to keep you attached to them. The key to escaping is understanding that this is an addiction and treating it that way. Take it one day at a time. Stay away today. Then stay away tomorrow. The longer you are away from him, the more his grip on your psyche will dissipate.
You might want to check out our webinar on EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath. It may really help you.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Donna Andersen.
September 21, 2021 at 8:00 pm #66496hungrynintendogParticipant
I honestly think he’s probably done stalking you (I hope you realize in hindsight that it was the definition of stalking), unless he’s utterly delusional. Which, many Narcs are. So to be safe, make sure you have a plan in motion for if he ever does gain access to you. He is clearly capable of violence, and seems pretty fixated on you. Maybe have some kind of code, or safe word, that your friends/family will know so that they can get to you/get law enforcement to you, if you are unable to.
That being said, please say strong and don’t let him pressure you into seeing him. He is trying to wear you down. It’s just another manipulation tactic. These men are never “off.”
He has no regard or respect for you, count your blessings that it ended before he could physically isolate you from the support of your friends and family (and begin to inflict some serious psychological damage)!
It will take time but eventually you won’t be tempted at all. You’re already trauma bonded because of the way he’s exerted control over you/tried to manipulate you (emotional abuse), it’s trick. Soon enough your brain will go back to normal.
September 21, 2021 at 9:10 pm #66497nospParticipant
Run the details of your situation with this person through Gavin De Becker’s MOSAIC threat assessment software (it’s free to use, & you don’t have to be a law enforcement officer to use it) https://www.mosaicmethod.com
That will give you a pretty good idea of how dangerous he will be for you in the future.
That said at an armed bank robbery charge or conviction alone, he’s violent. Which is more than enough reason to be 100% no contact with him, never mind his lying about his age or anything else.
Also cannot recommend highly enough Gavin DeBecker’s book ‘The Gift Of Fear’. You should read it & have your parents read it.
And keep up with your 100% no contact, it will take time for your brain to settle down from the traumatic addiction you are going through.
- This reply was modified 3 days, 11 hours ago by nosp.
September 22, 2021 at 5:22 pm #66507
Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your comments, your support really means a lot. So the case was dropped on Saturday meaning all bail conditions stating he can’t come near me or contact me have ended and he hasn’t made any attempt to contact me. I know that doesn’t mean he won’t in the future but I feel a lot more secure now that he hasn’t attempted to straight away with nothing stopping him. That being said it is my birthday in a few days and he told me he made big plans and was going to take me on a surprise trip so there might be a risk he’ll be thinking about that and make an attempt to contact me then. However, I feel a lot better about the whole thing now and my desire to want to contact him goes down everyday. I still miss the fake him occasionally but it’s nothing compared to how I felt initially. I’ve been doing the tapping exercises and it’s really helped, thank you everyone!
September 22, 2021 at 7:05 pm #66510polestarParticipant
Happy Birthday Stehanie !!!! You are a courageous and very together person and it is with great respect that I say that I am happy you are here joining with all who want light and love, especially during these very trying times. Have a wonderful, joy filled day !!!!!
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