July 14, 2021 at 9:14 pm #66071
I just realized my on again off again bf of 1.5 years is a narcissistic sociopath. He lied about mostly everything. He’s a master manipulator. He’s extremely charming. He accused me of cheating but he was the one cheating. This last time I took him back several weeks ago is when I found out about the cheating. All the BS lines he said to me he said to her as well. I did everything he wanted in the bedroom but apparently it wasn’t enough. He needed to find Jesus he said because what we did in the bedroom made him sick. So he started talking to another female before we broke up. She was a virgin and he didn’t get very far with her (I got to speak with her and told her everything). Not sure why he would pick a virgin. He said he thought it’s what God wanted but then he started sexting her after a week. He’s so full of it. Said they started talking a few days after we broke up. I told him to let me see his phone or get out. He let me see it and they were talking a week before we broke up and he started dating her immediately when we broke up. He said he missed me after a month and tried to get back with me but I told him off. He went right back to telling her he loved her. A week later she saw through his BS and dumped him. I stupidly took him back but after finding all this out I kicked him out of my house. He’s reeled me in so many times after we broke up, I’ve lost track. I block him on everything. The problem is he has this app that he can create other phone numbers and he texts me and calls me from those. Do I just ignore him? I feel like anything I say, he’s not going to listen anyway but I really want to give him a piece of my mind. I don’t want him to show up at my house which is why I always answer and he manipulates me again. His birthday is next week and I know he will contact me. I read that he manipulated my brain chemistry but I don’t know how to fix it. I do not want to take him back because I know he will never change and he will continue to cheat and I don’t deserve that. But I feel a strong pull towards him that I need to break. I really need help here.
July 15, 2021 at 11:04 am #66072emilie18Participant
Angel12034: You are doing all the right things – ignoring his calls and texts, knowing his charm is false and dangerous, recognizing him for what he really is. Staying resolute and strong is the hardest part. You really DON’T deserve to be treated like this and you need to keep telling yourself that. As you explore this site, pay special attention to the amazing articles and webinars Donna offers. Read the experiences of others. Use the tools you learn about – and stay strong! Come back with questions, or concerns, or stories…we are here to give support and encouragement!
July 15, 2021 at 11:27 am #66073
Thank you so much emilie18! For clarification I should not respond at all? If that will drive him crazy, I’m all for it! If he shows up at my house I call the police? This is so unbelievably hard. He has really messed me up. I really appreciate your response and knowing I’m on the right track 💕
July 15, 2021 at 4:15 pm #66074emilie18Participant
“No Contact” is the most important thing you can do. Give him absolutely NO feedback – nothing he can use against you or try to manipulate. If possible, change all your phone numbers, email addresses, social media privacy settings – anything that he could use to get in touch. You can set most smart phones to automatically ignore “unknown numbers”. Re-key your locks if there is a possibility he might have a key. Let everyone who knows him that they are not to share your personal information for your safety. If he shows up at your door, call the police and let them know he is stalking you – and file a restraining order if you can so the cops can actually arrest him. And yes, this might really upset him and things might escalate for a while. Be prepared and stay the course – absolutely NO contact, ever. I know it is tempting to want to tell him off, to let him know he is evil, horrible and you are never going to fall for him again — but even one conversation gives him the opportunity to reel you back in — he has done it before. Harden your heart and move on! The longer he is totally out of your life, the easier it will be – and the better you will feel. Best of wishes to you during this very difficult time.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by emilie18.
July 15, 2021 at 4:40 pm #66075
Thank you for the clarification! I just deleted my response to him when he contacts me again. He always contacts on a Friday at the end of his work week and since his birthday is on Monday, I’m pretty sure he will contact tomorrow. And I’m ready!!! I’ve read through a lot of the articles on here and they make so much sense. Knowing other women have felt that pull and that my feelings are normal is quite life changing. I really appreciate your replies!!!
July 15, 2021 at 8:30 pm #66077
I’m so sorry you have endured this nightmare of a socioapth. EVERYTHING you stated my ex h did and he is a sociopath.
He’s a master manipulator. He’s extremely charming. He accused me of cheating but he was the one cheating.
YEP…this is exactly my ex and exactly what he said to me to “you’re cheating”. I know now pretty much everyone of them pay this mind game of “Blame shifting” (do a search here on lovefraud) for the cheating part.
I remember clearly my ex picking a fight with me while in the kitchen…pushing my buttons like he always did and then saying “you’re cheating me”. Of course I defended myself, I’m not this type of person” etc…but, it was all an emotional mind twist socipathic game he was playing.
WHY? to stress me out, to make me work harder at “loving him”, to not leave him, to not cheat, etc etc.
But, I know now that when a socioapth makes this statement, they are telling you that THEY are the ones cheating.
I did everything he wanted in the bedroom but apparently it wasn’t enough.
Sociopaths are SERIAL CHEATERS….it does not matter what you do or dont do in the bedroom or your cooking, keeping the house clean, working, dreams, your personlity…they will always cheat…
why?? It’s about POWER & CONTROL OVER OTHERS!! That is the ultamate goal of a socioapth.
By these sociopath making US feel like we are “not good enough” they accomplished their goal to have POWER & CONTROL OVER OUR MINDS. To lower our self esteem so we dont leave them.
I caught my ex cheating with his co-worker took me two years to finally beleive my gut & have proof. His lies twisted my head in every direction away from my gut instincts. they are masters at this too.
PLEASE know matter what you did for this socioapth it would never be “good enough” for him…and you are not alone…this is the behavior pattern ALL sociopath use…with each victim..from his victims before your and after…not just romantic vicitms but everyone they come across. That’s how they gain control.
How they con people out of money, or a place to live, sex what ever they want.
Remember it’s all about power & control for them. If they can break down our self esteem they will never gain control over us. So like spelled milk they will keep chipping away very stealthy at our self esteem.
Very sick & twisted mind set they have.
this is why it is soooooo important like Emile stated to follow the “NO CONTACT RULE” (look this up on LF and net).
NEVER let him back into your life…he will try..that is what they do..boomarange back into their past victims life because they know they can con you again in their minds…but, what these evil socioapaths did not count on is victims lifting each other up & educating each other. And Donnna Anderson is a perfect example of this. Out of her darkest days & nights she picked herself up and now her and her husband Terry are educating us all and giving us this wonderful support network. 💜💜💜
Keep reading everything here on lovefraud. this is a library full of life saving info for all of us to avoid these evil sociopaths in this world. There are lots of them so me must be educated to spot one the second we meet one.
Lookup on you tube: Oprah gavin debecker the Gift of fear (this is a powerful interview to make us listen to our gut instinct)
Write down the traits that you spotted with your ex the first time you met him. There were RED FLAGS that you ignored. *we all igonored with our ex’s.
This exercise will get you focused back on your gut instinct with this sociopath and also, with any you encounter in the future.
Sending you huge hugs!! 💜💜💜Keep asking questions, venting & reading here at Lovefraud. It’s a powerful step in healing.
take care. 🌺
July 15, 2021 at 9:01 pm #66079
Jan7 I love all the info you have provided. When you said they do not count on the victims lifting each other up and educating each other….goosebumps. I feel such a community here already and I feel like I understand so much more. I have read a lot of the articles and posts on here and it’s so nice to know I’m not alone. The thing I struggle with the most is the pull I still feel. Knowing why that is, after reading some of the stuff on here, has really opened my eyes. I know he never cared for me and is incapable of love. When I spoke to the female he was with after me she said he tried to force himself on her but she stopped him. He has been accused of rape before and I’m now convinced he charmed that female into saying it was consensual in the end. I struggle with self esteem right now because of his actions but I see that turning around very soon. I feel like I have everything I need to resist him this time. There’s no good in him and I deserve the best. I really appreciate your input and I’m sorry for what you went through. Thank you so much for the hugs and I’m sending them back your way!!!
July 15, 2021 at 8:31 pm #66078
here are some things to look up here on lovefraud:
Idolize, devalue & discard
No contact rule
gas lighting abuse
July 16, 2021 at 9:00 pm #66080
He has been accused of rape before and I’m now convinced he charmed that female into saying it was consensual in the end
this is a terrifying statement. I believe you are correct. I beleive the woman who made this statement that he did rape her because rape is about “power & control” not about sex.
this guy is pure evil.
I’m glad that you found your way to lovefraud & had the courage to post your story. this is not easy to do..but, it is a HUGE step in healing & to become strong again & educated so you can spot one mile away.
I struggle with self esteem right now because of his actions but I see that turning around very soon.
Please know that sociopath do not target people that are not strong…they target hardworking, kind people that have gumption to get things done. They tag onto their target victims coat tails.
YEs, we had vulnerability which is not a bad trait to have if we are surrounded by good people…but, a sociopath will smell vulnerablity a mile a way…everyone has vulnerability however the important thing is to have walls up to protect yourself from new people in your life and to listen to your gut instince within seconds of meeting someone.
ANd we have to know the triats of a socioapth and the psycology text book terms for sociopaths manipulate and then you can spot them quickly on tv and in public.
Right now you are shell shocked..you are coming to terms with what happened to you, you were a victim of a socioapth, that’s a heavy statement and now you have to educate yourself and this is stressful to relive the abuse and sort thru it and you are still dealing with the tramendous stress that this sociopath caused you the last few years.
Part of recovery I feel is getting your body working correctly. That means eating good clean food to flood your body with much needed vitamin & minerals, relaxing & sleeping (sometimes not easy if you have anxiety from the stress you endured) etc.
Look up the symptoms of adrenal fatigue (I was lucky enough after I left my ex to have a friend guide me to a doctor who dealt with adrenal fatigue turns out I had it, like most adults will end up with just with the stress of normal life, but, life with a sociopath our bodies get to the point it cant handle any more stress and our adrenal glands become fatigue (or “burnt out” feeling).
So getting your body working correctly is a huge step in healing.
a you tube documentary that I like is “Super juice me” and a few y t chans: Jason vale juicing, Joe cross juicing, Jay Kordich juicing.
I bought a juicer for $22 at Walmart (Hamilton standar or Black & decker) or you can use a mini blender or regular blender. this really floods the body with much needed vitamins & minerals.
Also, magnesium is a vitamin we need to relax. Look up the benifits and also the benifits of epson salt baths (found near the cosmetic section of your grocery store $5 per bag) = has magnesium to relax. But, check with your doctor if you are on medicne.
Keep posting & reading.
Take care. 💜
July 16, 2021 at 9:16 pm #66081
Jan7 I appreciate all of your advice!!! Yes and he pressured the virgin for sex as well. All of these things aren’t coincidence. why is there so much misinformation on the internet? I’m just wondering if my questions even matter at this point? Do sociopaths know they are sociopaths? Everyone has their own answer. Yes…no…or they just know they are different. Why can he love his dog but not a person? Some say sociopaths are born and some say they are made by traumatic events in childhood. I know I’ll never get all of the answers but it’s quite frustrating when looking for facts. I want to be educated as much as possible.
July 16, 2021 at 9:46 pm #66082RedwaldParticipant
Angel, I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble with this jerk, but take heart! It could have been worse! At least you were smart enough to nail this guy for what he is, and lucky enough to do so after 18 months. Unlike some who wer unlucky enough to get stuck in these situations for years, you have a better shot at an earlier recovery.
Along with Jan, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of NO CONTACT, under any circumstances; in particular, never responding in any way to any of his attempts to contact you.
It’s all a matter of basic behavioral psychology. The first law of behavioral psychology says that creatures of all kinds, from rats to humans, will tend to repeat a behavior if it’s “reinforced”: that’s to say, if it gets a response, If it gets no response, there’s no motivation to repeat the behavior. If a rat pushes on a lever and gets a pellet of food, the rat will be motivated to push on the lever again… and again and again. If it gets no response, the rat will give up trying. Similarly, if the rat you’ve been dating sends you a message and you respond, he’ll only go on doing it, thus also increasing the probability of your getting “sucked in” once again. If you stop responding altogether, he’s more likely to give up bothering you eventually.
Now another law of behavioral psychology states that we’ll tend to repeat a behavior that gets rewarded, while we’ll tend to avoid a behavior that gets punished instead. So if the rat presses on a lever and gets an electric shock, he usually won’t push on that lever again. It would be nice to think you could use this to deter your rat from bothering you, but in practice it’s easier said than done. I suppose if he bothered you badly enough for you to call the police and get him arrested, that might deter him, but it doesn’t work with ordinary messages. You and I might think that if an ex-“friend” gave us a mouthful of abuse every time we tried to contact him or her, we’d consider that “punishment” and give up trying. Unfortunately with your rat, if you respond to his messages with anger or criticism and tell him where to go, he may still consider that a “reinforcing” response because he likes to jerk your chain and watch you getting all mad at him. So once again, the best response is no response.
A third law of behavioral psychology states that a behavior is likely to be repeated if it’s reinforced only sporadically: that’s to say, not every time, only now and again at random intervals. If a rat learns that pushing on a lever gets it a reward now and again, it will go on pushing for a time, even it there’s no result, until the reward comes out. Donna has an article on this phenomenon: try Googling “Intermittent reinforcement” on this site. It’s a particular peril for victims of abuse, who will keep going back to an abuser who is good to them now and again (the reward) even if they’re treated like crap the rest of the time. It also explains why some people are addicted to gambling, for instance, when they’re kept going by an occasional “win” even if they’re losing hand over fist the rest of the time.
This applies to your rat as well. If he tries to contact you five times and gets no response, but the sixth time you answer him, what he’ll “learn” from that is that he’ll get a response from you eventually as long as he keeps trying. So he’ll keep on trying–for a time, anyway. This is why it’s most important to abstain altogether and never give him any response at all, since even an occasional response can be taken as “encouragement.”
Good luck with No Contact!
July 16, 2021 at 9:56 pm #66083
“My rat”. That’s hilarious. Everything you have said makes sense and I feel confident that I will stick to no contact. He won’t listen to what I have to say anyway. Avoiding him means no chance for him to sucker me back in. Thank you for your response!
July 19, 2021 at 5:39 pm #66093psychoawareParticipant
The psychopathic pathology (which really is what narcs, socios and psychos all stem from) relies on your response to make them feel like they exist and mean something so NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN is the only real way to deal with them. Rob them of what they are forever thirsty for, your energy.
July 19, 2021 at 10:50 pm #66094
I like your perspective!!! It’s good to know I can take away that power. Thank you!
July 20, 2021 at 12:01 pm #66095psychoawareParticipant
My pleasure really. Anything I can do to help others affected by these demons. It’s not easy as they have an uncanny ability to pull on our souls by creating a soulmate-like persona from the information they get from you. Just know for real it’s not your fault and you were just another target to them. You are certainly not alone even though those who don’t know about these predators will just pass it off as a bad relationship. It’s not just a bad relationship, these beings aren’t human in my opinion even though they can mimic us extremely well.
I know what I’m about to type sounds kooky and really I didn’t believe this stuff just 2 months ago but it helped me a lot recently after trying it.
• Find yourself a dark, quiet comfortable place with no distractions. Closing your eyes can help too.
• Imagine a ball or orb of coloured glowing light in your centre. It felt like it’s around my heart when I tried. Let the colour be whatever comes naturally though it’s not too important I think.
• Now imagine your ex and your energy he stole from you inside the cells and DNA of his body.
• Try to visualise that energy, be it orbs or particles of light being pulled out of him and streamed back into your glowing light from whatever direction comes naturally.
Maybe it’s placebo but I try it every now and then and I swear it gives me a little boost in confidence whenever I do it.
Hope this helps or at least gives you a chuckle 😀
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by psychoaware. Reason: Bullet pointed the steps
July 20, 2021 at 12:20 pm #66097
I will definitely try that. Whatever will help is worth a try. I think he tried contacting me yesterday on his birthday. I’m selling something online that he left at my house (he said it was fine to do that if we broke up). He texted last evening that he wanted to “come get” it. Which was weird to me so I deleted it. He uses an app so it’s not his real number. He called at 6am this morning and I didn’t answer. He called again at 8am and left a short voicemail. It sounded like him disguising his voice. I blocked the number. Not taking the chance. I’ll take the ad down if I have to. This is a huge step for me and I would not have been able to do it without help from lovefraud.com. I hear there are smart sociopaths and stupid ones. He’s definitely the latter
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by angel12034.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.