How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › How does one get rid of him permanently?
February 2, 2020 at 10:33 am #55958
Long story short: months ago i created a post on here while i was in a relationship with my boss and bf because something felt very wrong with him and despiete my attraction toward him I had a nagging feeling I had to “run away” as quickly as possible. Hes much older than me and he admitted to have manipulated me into a relationship with him. The short relationship with him was very toxic and his behaviour to me as a boss and bf had very adverse effect on my wellbeing.
As a result of me postig on here and my friends and family also thinking his behaviour is insane I ended up dumping him.
We still had to work together.
For the remaining 2 months we had to work together he oscilated between being very sweet and being downright abusive to me as a boss. At some point i couldnt take it anymore and I just packed up my shit and left during the shift.
I talked to some of my friends later and they said I should consult myself with a lawyer. So, I did and given the amount of blatant abuse this guy sent my way in writing she said I might have a harrasment case(also sexual).
I proceeded to inform the managment about it. I told them EVERYTHING. I completely and utterly exposed this guy. I kid you not, his boss was almost crying. I knew him very well and I had his number and I just refuesed to let him get away with what hes doing. Hes a bad person who gets away with probably much worse behaviour than what he did to me because of his charm and intelligence.
They launched an investigation and he got fired. Im currently negotiating a settlement with them.
He managed to get a hold on my new contact details. I overheard from our common workmates that he wants to “talk sense into me because Im full of shit and lying to destroy his life”. Then the emails came. 1..2…3.4….10…50….100…….etc…not counting anymore….. (roughly 10-20 a day, and quite long ones as well)….it also oscilates from I love you, I hate you, Ill buy you a house-Ill destroy your life, *sends money(quit a lot as well)-Ill sue you, Indian mythology-whats on the news, I love you-I just fucked someone else (sends me a screenshot of the tinder conversation he had with her). You know, flip-flop, Jekyll Hyde, crazy making behaviour that makes no sense whatsoever but feels incredibly mind twisting and strings pulling.
I was advised to maintain no contact but then he kept going, he started bothering my friends and he said he’ll contact my family too. When that didnt work he started threatening and sending pictures of knifes and lock picks to my closest friend (who is an absolute sweetheart). My front door has also been tampered with so I eneded up going to the police. He ended up saying Im freaking out about nothing.
From what Ive seen the police cant do anything until he actually harms me. I think they already spoke to him and he still keeps on going. Im seriously out of options. Its like, I block one way for him to intrude upon my life and he just finds another way to “sneak in”
I dont even know what he wants. Probably a combination of winning me over, hurting me, saving his reputation and ruining mine. He also wants me to keep the door to my life open for him so he can swoop in and out as he wishes.
I dont know how to combat it. I guess the best way is not to care but how can one “not care” when someone is systematically trying to dismantle them psychologically? “Dont let it bother you”. I mean…yeah, in an ideal world but lets be real here: he had me like a puppet on a string due to the power imbalance and the fact he was my boss and Ive tried to cut those strings off but it just feels like hes trying to hook me again. Its like psychological warefare. I genuenly think part of him wants me to kill myself (he said it).
The emails also made me realize just.how.fucking.crazy this guy really is. Hes like a cult leader, but a very unhinged one. I think hes obsessed with me. He said he talks to me in his mind every day.He showed me papers upon papers where he handwrites the conversation we had in his mind. He showed me books where he puts a note inbetween the pages with my name. If anybody knows the new Netflix series called “You” i think the main characther is very similar to him in the approach to how he secures his “prey” (minus the actual murders, obviously).
I dont know. Im afraid he might actually harm me.
Or keep on bothering me for a long time.
Is there anything I can do here? The concerned police officer effectively told me “youre responsible for your own security”….
February 2, 2020 at 5:44 pm #55967polestarParticipant
Hi helpagirlout – I’m glad that you were able to stand up to your ex regarding the job situation. The bottom line from all you described after that is that he is obsessed with revenge fantasies. I think it is a very dangerous situation, and it is horrific that the police will offer you no protection. I think that other participants at Love Fraud will be able to give you better advise about what to do on the practical level than me ( my abilities are more about the psychological issues ), but I think you should contact one of those abuse hotlines and they have counselors there who might know of avenues other than the police who could help you. The best solution though, if it would be at all possible, would be to move and block any avenue of contact or for him to know your new location, your phone number or email address. I’m sure there are experts who could help you with that. I know that would be a huge change – to move – but it sounds like you have a dangerous, vengeful psycho stalking you, and safety is of the utmost importance.
Blessings to you.
February 3, 2020 at 1:08 am #55970Jan7Participant
helpagirlout, What does he want from you? he wants to destroy you for exposing him. BEWARE.
Block him. DO NOT ENGAGE with him in any kind of conversation whether via text, email or phone or in person. You need to follow the NO CONTACT RULE. He will manipulate you into his con game again to turn the tables on YOU & get you for stalking charges. SO DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM!! I have read so many tales on LF about the true victim being arrested because the sociopath flip the table & manipulated the police. SO PLEASE HEED THE WARNING>
What can you do? GO to your local domestic abuse center for help!! This what they do. They help victims navigate the court system and/or give advise on how to get him out of your life.
With all those 100 emails plus = Lovebombing you!!
He is pushing your buttons to get any kind of response. DO NOT ENGAGE with him what so ever. He will push your buttons to get any kind of response from being nice to you, to “I’m sorry for hurting you” *(which is a lie), to blaming you for everything etc etc. It’s all bait to get you to bit.
Do not feel that you have to deal with this guy alone. Get help from your country’s Local domestic abuse center. They have advocates that will go to court with you if this is what you want to make him stop.
Listen to your gut instinct with him!! Your gut is screaming to get him out of your life. Believe your gut over any email/text etc that he sends you. BLOCK HIIM ASAP! Tell your friends to not engage with him in any kind of communication. Ask them to save all emails he sends to them But again tell them not to respond to any of his contacts.
You got this. You should be proud of yourself for posting this today. That is a huge step to know that you are not alone. But, reach out to your local abuse center asap!!
February 3, 2020 at 2:25 am #55972
helpagirlout- In his book The Gift of Fear Gavin DeBecker talks about people who won’t let go, chapter 8. He says doing nothing is a management plan. You might read the book and don’t react. Also O.N. Ward’s book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath. Take care
February 3, 2020 at 7:38 pm #55986
helpagirlout- With a good support system you can handle this. Hang in there.
February 4, 2020 at 5:42 pm #55994Donna AndersenKeymaster
helpagirlout – wow – what a nightmare. The guy is stalking you. With the pictures of knives, he his threatening you. I recommend that you look into the laws against stalking.
What country are you in? If you are in the UK or Ireland, there are also laws against coercive control.
Still, No Contact is best.
This is a tricky situation. On the one hand, you don’t want to respond. For you, just receiving the messages is upsetting. But if you don’t open them, you may not be aware when he makes a real threat.
If possible, you might want to forward all the messages to a friend without reading them. That will help with your recovery. If your friend feels that the messages are getting dangerous, he or she can alert you.
Restraining orders are generally useless, and may provoke him. But if it gets bad enough, you may need to consider one.
February 6, 2020 at 7:36 pm #56012
helpagirlout- I hope you are doing O.K. TaKe care.
February 7, 2020 at 9:02 am #56015
Thank you all for responding!
I read a lot about disordered individuals and their behaviour patterns and yes, I do believe he wants to destroy me and is being vengeful because he got the short end of the stick. In his mind, he lost everything, his career is over due to “false allegations”, the breakup wasnt on his terms, etc etc. I dont regret telling managment about it though, even after all the turmoil he put me trough.
Hes just trying to scare me into shutting up so he doesnt have a problem. He tried to pull the wool over my eyes but I pulled the rug from under him.
I dont enter relationships thinking “whos gonna win, whos gonna loose” but im 99% certain he entered this relationship to make a puppet out of me, to own me, to use me sexually and to gain access to my funds (he asked if id be willing to invest into some kind of bogus business in a different country right after sex just like your typical golddigger) on top of getting me to do his work for him(he is intelligent but he does suck at his job and cant handle the pressure, which wasnt the case with me) so he can advance his career. He brags about “ruining people psychologically”. I remember he once told me he considered himself “something he wants to kill”. I really get it. I really really get it.
The newest development of the situation is more suicide threats/I think I might be dying proclamations(picture from the hospital included ofc), I love you, 50 insults and then a personalized video posted online where he plays with the knives, lockpicks, cooks a turkey and then proceeds to show me some sort of a guilt tripping, half true letter where he blames me for everything. Id paste the link here but I dont want to compromise my privacy. Its really the creepiest thing Ive seen in a long long time…
I dont know ladies anymore. I think Ill slowly fade into the background digitally and look into jobs abroad. Life is short and I think this psychotic asshole will be “with me” for a long time no matter what I do. Hes used to getting his way in life and hes completely lost here and I think he will be looking for an opportunity to avenge the loss. Part of me feels he actually might seriosuly harm me. Its not a big possibility but its there. I can feel it.
In some way though Im glad for the numerous lessons I was able to derive from this experience. I realized what made me a target to begin with (family of origin problems, Im a runnaway kid+various other issues). I realized the insane importance of how a partner can make or break your life, therefore I must choose wisely in the future. I also need to deal with the fear of being alone. I was desperately searching for a familly all these years and it makes me all too easy to be preyed upon by people like him.
Thank god we never had kids or signed any papers where our assets would be combined.
Thank god for my support network who didnt give up on me even when I was making excuses for him.
Thank god that you ladies took the time of your day just to reaffirm what I my gut was telling me months ago.
This couldve eneded much much worse…
February 7, 2020 at 5:49 pm #56017
helpagirlout- Sounds like you have done research and have plans to move forward in your situation. Good luck to you.
February 18, 2020 at 8:56 pm #56122
Painfully, I had to learn to never date anyone in authority over me. This can be a teacher (high school), professor (college), coach, therapist, boss, landlord, etc. because there is a great disparity in power between the two partners.
February 18, 2020 at 9:54 pm #56123
It is risky but it sometimes works out. Bill Gates wife was his employee and they have been happily married. I assume she had boundaries.
February 19, 2020 at 12:13 am #56125
The woman Bill Gates dated (and was engaged to) before his wife went with him for ten years, was also his employee. Sadly, he cheated on her every time he went out of town, especially overseas.
What his wife did differently was that she insisted that she goes with him everywhere he goes. They never spent a night apart.
Some people need to be babysat . . .
February 19, 2020 at 12:43 am #56126
I don’t know all the details of Bill Gates dating but if the present wife decided to always travel with him, it kept the relationship exclusive. I read some of her book and she did have some positive things to say about him. He’s sure alot better than the other billionaire.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Sunnygal.
February 19, 2020 at 3:52 pm #56130RedwaldParticipant
The “other” billionaire? Oh, you mean George Soros with his troublemaking gang of leftist rent-a-thugs he calls “Antifa.” Yeah, we could do without him, for sure! At least Bill Gates has done some good for the world.
Some people are “naturally promiscuous”–or have other faults–without necessarily being “personality disordered.”
February 19, 2020 at 7:02 pm #56131
Think agreeing to spending every night together as a way to reduce the temptation of infidelity is OK as long as both partners agree to it before commitment. Some call it “guarding the relationship.” It is a way of respecting each other’s boundaries. No one should have to put up with infidelity unless it is an open relationship.
In my opinion, Bill Gates might have Asperger’s Syndrome, but I don’t think he has a personality disorder.
February 20, 2020 at 11:13 pm #56143polestarParticipant
Hi – I’ve been following this post stream – very interesting points of view. To add my “ 2 cents “ – though it is possible to have a relationship with someone who has authority over another if they are able to be loving and ethical about power so that then the dynamic could be a viable relationship – still, there is a big risk in getting involved with someone who has the ability to wreck havoc on another in the event that the relationship doesn’t work out or that they have a revengeful streak that one doesn’t know about, or worse yet, if they are a psychopath. Even with red flags, they can be hard to spot at first.
February 24, 2020 at 8:39 pm #56160
Yeahh..given this experience I think ive decided dating anyone in a position of power over me will be a no no for the future. I messed up in this regard in more ways than one: he was not only my boss but as old enough to be my dad.
Perhaps there are some sucessful examples but probably for each couple that ends up working out there are many where the situation gets complicated and unplesant.Also men who go after women who realistically arent on their “level” due to lack of experience or whichever other reason probably do so for a reason and something tells me that reason is not necessarily benign (is it bias? probably not entirely). In retrospect of course things seem prety clear, the signs were there almost from the start (IF i knew what to look for, which i didnt).
Im just glad I left so early. From what I read on here it couldve ended up much worse. Granted he still threatens to harm me (kill my pet for example) but i let the police take it from here and installed security measures so I can get some space from this.
Im also glad he already had some consequences for being a total POS(not just to me, according to him this is a long long pattern with pretty much anybody he meets), and given he very nicely incriminated himself with this barrage of emails i think there is more to come his way(but its up to the police to decide).
What a strange bunch. “If only” they could take a look at themselvs realistically…perhaps their life would improve? I dont know if its a common thing but this one in particular seems to blame me for all his lifes misery but realisitcally he made his own bed looong long time before I ever stepped into the picture.
Hopefully never again. 1/10 for the experience (1 point for the sex, cant complain in that department)
February 24, 2020 at 9:26 pm #56161
When I see decades between the ages of a couple, I almost always see an ulterior motive on the part of the older partner. Of course, there are exceptions.
In my opinion, I try not to date anyone more than 10 years older or younger than me, at most 15.
Never let your partner rush the relationship. Take time to get to know one another.
February 24, 2020 at 10:22 pm #56162
I saw that the 39 year old girlfriend of Al Pacino, 79, split up. She said he didn’t like to spend money. That can also be an issue.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.