How to Cope with a Smear Campaign? Help Please

[Roxana D]

Dear Donna and Lovefraud members,

I need some help with emotional coping strategies with a smear campaign after you leave a psychopath/sociopath.

After escaping my husband on 24th of September, I have completely gone ‘No contact” but still have been sent loving and compassionate text/voice/video messages from my disordered husband asking me to go back to him, stating that we had a perfect relationship, that we never had problems or arguments and that he wanted me to call him, talk to him, discuss the situation with him and so on. When I left, I wrote him a long letter explaining why I could no longer share his immoral, antisocial and criminal life aiding and abetting. I did not blame him for having a personality disorder, did not put him down or humiliate him telling I resented him and would wipe his name, reputation or expose him in any way. I wrote a loving letter making it clear that sharing his antisocial life was against my principles, values and morals. I even listened to some of the women on Mary Ann’s Skype support group (the call happened to be the day I escaped and I was composing a letter) and instead of
saying “do not contact me” I simply made a clear statement that I would not respond to any of his messages/calls/emails, that I would not change my mind and go back and so on. The reason I am describing this is because I made NO THREATENING statements, I did not tell friends/neighbours/colleagues why I was leaving (they were worried but my number has been disconnected), I stated that I could not hurt him by exposing him (it would end his career, future, income, relationships and everything) even though I felt hurt myself, I made it very clear I am NOT a threat to him so that he does Not retaliate for the sake of all the wonderful time we spent together in the past 4 years. I asked him to leave me alone to recover. We had a whirlwind romance and we were the perfect couple to everyone. I loved him, did everything for him unconditionally and he would tell me how he worshipped the grounds I walked on (even after I left the house and when he wanted me to go back).

Along with all the lies I listed at https://lovefraud.com/forums/topic/preparing-to-leave-my-sociopath/, I am checking details of his criminal records currently to get a restraining order, and am aware that he had 4+ battered wives before me. Every time a truth would come out, my heart rate would go through the roof, and I would make a lot of efforts to calm myself down. I just wasn’t ready for the smear campaign he started. Here is where I need your help to cope emotionally. I am not sure if there is anything I can do about it, but at least I would know if you had a similar experience and how you dealt with it. It started only after my attorney asked me to report him to the police for telephone harassment. I was never going to do this, but she sent me an email with all the points I had to tell the Police and urged me to make that call to give her a reference number (I had to change my attorney by the way, because the first one was protecting my husband for no reason, I’m very pleased with my second attorney now), which I did.

Following the Police notification, my husband probably went into a rage against me (because he could no longer control the situation as I was told) and here is what happened:

1. He lied to his attorney that I stole money from his account which I proved wrong because it was my account in my own name in my own business name with a 100pc ownership. I had to listen to experts, close down my account, complete my taxes and write a cashiers check before my escape because he had access to everything. He asked his attorney to get that cashiers check into some sort of a trust, which doesn’t make sense because he had all the assets we purchased during our marriage that we have to share, so it’s not that I owe him anything. – This is sorted as I presented all the supporting evidence for my counterclaim.

2. My husband lied about my dog, claiming it was a military dog for his hearing loss (he never served and his hearing was probably damaged in jail as I found out he had a very violent past). I had to prove him wrong so my attorney asked me to send anything I had, which I did, I proved he tried to kill my dog (we had a house full of guns and rifles, cocked and loaded, because he was Military!, what a disgrace), I proved the dog was registered in my name, I proved he abused the dog over the years and more, so he dropped it as I was told. He asked me to return it probably because he thought he would capture me and control or manipulate me again. We are over this now.

3. This is the silliest thing, he accused me of financial losses because he tattooed my name on ALL his shirts, meaning if you could see his cufflinks on the shirts, you could see my name loud and clear, I was his property, my name was coming out underneath his suits, engraved on all his sleeves, he told me to pay for the damage because he re-ordered these shirts and it costed him thousands. He even put my mother’s name inside his suits on the pocket saying he has the best mother in law. My family adored him anyways as he was the prince charmer, but he lied to everyone. I had no idea he has no logic to present such senseless allegations, since I never even wanted my name on his sleeves and suits, this was his choice, but I have no problems paying a few thousands as part of the divorce so he is happy. Just letting you know how silly his accusations are.

4. Before I escaped my psychopath, I shared all the scanned business receipts, I filed all the paperwork, created folders for him so whenever he needs any document, he knows where to find it. I did this out of love while i was preparing to leave him secretly, I left him a memory stick with All the information he would need about taxes, returns, receipts, medical bills, IRS transcripts, everything I have done for our businesses while we were working together for his convenience. I did everything for him, designed his website, his social media profiles with daily updates, created a network and his reputation (which I found out sadly was based on lies). I scanned all paper receipts from the past 2,5 years of marriage so he also has the electronic copies (I needed them too in case IRS conducts a review). INSTEAD, when he was asked to present copies of tax returns, he told our CPA that I left him, stole money, his paperwork, that I stole his Scanner and he had nothing to present so the CPA sends all copies to his attorney. Our CPA was such a nice guy, I felt sorry that he even blackmails me in front of him. Anyways, this was another hit.

5. THIS IS THE WORST SMEAR MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN ENGAGED IN. I had a pending application with USCIS for a green card extension (I moved from London, England, where I was happy, had a great job, family, friends and everything). When I escaped, I had no address to change my application forwarding to, so he received a letter addressed to me, opened it, took all information with reference numbers, etc and reported me as a FRAUD! I thought to myself, WOW! We were worshipping each other not too long ago and he is going too far. My husband blamed me for being after his money and stealing about 200k from his account and leaving him. Just to let you know my husband was BROKE, about 50k in debt when we met (which I didn’t know among with all the lies), my visa was refused because he did not meet poverty guidelines to support my application that he petitioned for, so he asked a few of his friends to submit their 1099s for my application and one guy agreed to do that. He had no money to marry an immigrant. Within a year, we worked hard together and our businesses took off, making a million. He was over the moon, we built a house and bought everything cash. Money started changing him, I reminded him on every occasion that money is not everything, that we would lose it if we worshipped it the way he did (he walked over some friends and family for money). INSTEAD, he blamed me for being after his money when I left, for the immigration scam and so on. He pretended that I never left any note telling him why I was leaving (lying about the long letter) I am sooo disgusted with my husband, but I still cannot call him a manipulative parasite, I loved him! How could he do this, I don’t understand! I have ALL the proof to counter his allegations, but this would take so much time, efforts and money, I have to hire an immigration attorney tomorrow and counterclaim and so on. I was going to change my application type with a waived for joint filing anyways, but getting a divorce paper would take a few months if not a year with this sociopath and he wants to harm me and damage me, I don’t know how I can cope with this emotionally.

6.My husband probably told our neighbours, colleagues and friends that I was after his money too, since he got rich while we were together but everything was new for both of us, meaning everyone thought he was the rich guy (he told people he had homes in London, where I used to live) and it would be an easy statement that I was after his money. I fell in love with this guy since Day 1 and even though he was too good to be true, I couldn’t care less about money, I would live on a bench with him, I had such beautiful feelings for him and I was loved and respected by everyone we came in contact with. Knowing that he is engaged in a smear campaign to destroy my name is keeping me up at night and knowing he wants to hurt me simply because I left him makes me feel sorry for myself. At the same time, it is hard for me to retaliate against him, meaning I could never send a letter to a neighbour notifying about the sociopath next door, I could never paralyse colleagues revealing who they are working with. I feel like this is not my call, and I could not do anything to hurt him or expose him, I don’t know what to do though. This is such a difficult situation…

7. Since I have set up emails, social media platforms, websites, etc for him myself, I still had emails open on my phone and he didn’t bother changing his password straight away, before setting up dating and porn site profiles the DAY AFTER I left him (still asking me back). I don’t get this! He pretended to be a 35 year old single guy with no kids and ready to have fun and get married again (he is 55 with 5+ ex wives, going through divorce, at least 3 kids that I know of, one special needs, and a chain of lies), he had no problems sharing his phone number and address and he could probably easily be pleasured by another one in the bed I was sleeping in with him a few days before that! How disgusting! I wish I didn’t see that pop up. Worst of all, he uploaded many intimate and sacred pictures we had together with open chest, etc, he just cropped me out of it, I felt like throwing up…, just the way I have been feeling the last few months since my husband snapped and his personality revealed itself.

8. He presented false claims to his attorney that the house and everything we bought together, he had before marriage. I had no idea he was capable of doing this, but I knew he was willing to forge things. After he reported his own son to the police a few months ago and he was asked to do community service recently, my husband was planning to forge his paper to show his son completed the orders, so I knew he was capable of forging documents. As a result, my attorney had to visit his attorney in person to pass on all the paperwork to tell him this was a lie. We got over it.

I don’t know what else to mention, I am camping out here sharing someone’s living room with 3 dogs while my husband is enjoying his disgraceful and immoral life having fun and making fun of me, humiliating and blackmailing me. I have no idea if there are institutions or organisations that protect people like us, it’s a shame that we are kind enough not to expose these parasite and they are vicious enough not to care about it. I have everything to protect myself but it is emotionally and mentally very difficult and draining knowing that false accusations are presented against you and you can do nothing to stop them. The scariest thing is that the immigration and border control takes such allegations very seriously and since I am traveling so much, I wouldn’t like to have issues and have to tell my troubled story of 4 years to immigration officers and educate them about personality disorders that I had no clue about and spent thousands (money and time) to educate myself to protect both my husband and I. In December I am planning to visit my family and friends in London with an expired green card and an extension letter (which is apparently acceptable) but I have no idea if I would have problems and how to be prepared… Anyways, I was just sharing this to see if I can get any useful advice or emotional coping strategies.

Many thanks and I appreciate all of you readers, lovefraud followers and Donna Anderson. You have helped me so much I can’t thank you enough. I felt very paralysed, distraught and vulnerable finding out my husband was a psychopath and you have all helped me through this tough times with education and advice.

Ruzanna.

[Sunnygal]

Sorry you are going through this. I would just say document everything you can.

[Roxana D]

Thank you Sunnygal, I appreciate your comment.

[Stargazer]

Rosy, I have gone through something somewhat similar though not anywhere near as exhaustive as your case. You need to feel empowered as you go through this. It may take a long time, so you must do everything in your power that you CAN do, then realize the rest is in the hands of the court. Here is what you CAN do: Document everything. For the things that were just verbal agreements, write down everything you can remember and go over it with your attorney, as if you were going to present your case in court. Type up the sequence of events as you have done here. Gather every photo, every receipt, and every document you can. Practice telling your side of the story in a calm, logical way. You have a few things going for you here. First, you have the truth on your side. It is up to him to prove in court that you did all the things he said you did. One thing about sociopaths is that they are not always very bright. They make stuff up, but they don’t always have the proof to back themselves up. Not that you should underestimate them. But just because they make stuff up doesn’t mean a judge will believe them. The thing about the tattoos is especially ridiculous. You should pray that he brings this up because the judge will see how ridiculous he is. He also has a criminal record, which will hurt his credibility if he’s trying to build a case against you. If you present every detail of your case with accuracy and with calmness, you will appear credible. You can talk (calmly) about his bedroom escapades. Without actually calling him a sociopath, you can certainly paint a picture to a judge of his character. It’s very likely he will slip up in one of his lies. But you have the truth on your side. Bring character witnesses or anyone who can back you up to court with you and talk in a reasonable manner. No matter what he does or says in court, do not fly off the handle. You can be angry and breathe through the anger. But don’t blow up and go off in court. When you have your chance, you can certainly express your anger, but do it in a reasonable way. Plan ahead how you will defend yourself.

Second, make sure he is shut out of all your accounts, emails, etc. I would not even be on social media while this is going on. Don’t give him any way to find out anything about you. If he starts texting you love letters, save them. Print them out as evidence with dates. But do not respond.

As far as mutual friends and acquaintances, if there are any people who like him, support him, or do business with him, cut them out completely. You can make new friends and acquaintances. You don’t need them.

Finally, trust your attorney. Does your attorney know he is a sociopath? And does he/she know what that is? If not, you might try and find another one. But if you trust your attorney, allow them to advise you and help present your case. That is their job and what they are getting paid to do. Once you have done all you can do, pray a lot and put the outcome in the hands of a higher power. Whatever the outcome, you can and will handle it, and you will be okay. Don’t let this jackass hijack your life. Once you’ve done everything in your control, and there is nothing else you can do, try as best as you can to distract yourself with other constructive things. Try not to let him stress you any more than he already has. You can survive this!

It may help empower you to know that I fought my sociopath and I won. They believed me over him, as sincerely as he lied.

[Roxana D]

Thank you Stargazer, I really appreciate your response and thoughtful advice.

I have a really good attorney now and she seems to understand this condition, at least she doesn’t doubt me for blackmailing my husband when I say that’s a lie.

He tried to convince his attorney to do annulment to avoid any asset sharing, it’s amazing that I haven’t reported him for any fraud and he uses it against me trying to make me look like the bad one. I read about this, but never thought my husband would be capable of doing such things. With all his lies he has no shame to be exposed, he just continues lying and shifting the blame.

Anyways, I have followed most of your advice already. I just pray we don’t go through court because I want to get over this asap.

Thank you.

[Stargazer]

You probably CAN sue him for fraud. Whether it’s worth it and whether you can get anything out of it is for you and your attorney to decide. In my case I got (fraudulently) taken to small claims court by a vindictive ex. I filed a countersuit as a matter of self protection. Sometimes, if a judge sees two parties suing each other, she or he will just dismiss the case.

[Roxana D]

Thank you. What kind of fraud do you mean? I would rather avoid poking the bear but any advice is appreciated. He is already doing enough to hurt me without me wanting to hurt him in any way.

I guess all these frauds would qualify but I don’t want this sick man to come after me for exposing him even if I get a protective order he won’t care:

– marriage fraud, he pretended to be someone else
– corporate fraud – he has no credentials to do what he does and makes money with lies
– stolen valor – pretends to be 22 year military
– claim for defamation for false accusations that harm me

Anyways, I would rather keep this process short and simple because I wouldn’t like it to hurt me emotionally much longer.

[Stargazer]

Rosy, I sure wish Matt, our fraud attorney, was still on here. He could give you some great advice. I would think at very least you could sue him for slander and all the consequences that went along with that. And I wonder if there is any way to sue for frivolous claims against you or some such. Your attorney should have some good ideas. I know if someone puts a lien on your property for reasons that are not merited, you can file a suit for “spurious lien” which comes with a large fine. There must be something like this you can do.

[Donna Andersen]

Rosy – I am sorry for your distress, but in reality, you are doing great.

I think you need to drop your loyalty to him. Even as you leave him, you don’t want to hurt him. Look at how he is behaving towards you. He has no loyalty. That’s because he never had any loyalty. he was using you. Now he is behaving exactly as all psychopaths behave in these situations.

There is no point in being nice. It doesn’t work with a psychopath.

You can accuse him of fraudulent inducement to marry, fraudulent inducement to continue the marriage, stolen valor – is he wearing medals that he didn’t earn? Also, has he lied on or forged any official documents? Provide all this information to your attorney. Let the attorney use it as leverage to force him to settle.

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