Preparing to Leave my Sociopath

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  lola22 1 year, 4 months ago.

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  • #42156


    If you are reading this message now, you have saved my life, Thank you. I admire Donna Andersen who has been brave enough to create this platform and if it wasn’t for her, I would have never had so much clarity on who my husband really was. We were all over each other, I was his world and his everything and he was my prince in a shining armor, my soulmate, so I thought. We have been together nearly 24/7 for the last 2.5 years, never bored of each other (even though many times I felt alone inside). In two weeks (hopefully I will survive till then) our worlds will be shattered as I am leaving him and he doesn’t know it’s coming.

    As I am preparing for my exit, since my husband turned out to be an extremely manipulative sociopath/psychopath, I have a question to ask to You, the readers: Do I have to hire an attorney or could I write him a letter explaining my feelings, how he hurt me physically (which I am sure he will understand because he is not delusional), mentally, emotionally/psychologically, with his lies in return to all the sacrifices I made for him, negotiate a compensation so that he doesn’t have to be grilled in court? He has his life, his career and everything at stake, he broke corporate, immigration and moral laws/rules and he would go down instantly once people figure out who he really is. He could be locked up for being dangerous for the society and do a prison time too for his lies. I wouldn’t like this to happen to him. He showed that all he gave me was Love, appreciation, good life, hopes and dreams (instead I got STD, lies, lies and deception). I was happy not knowing what was going on, but a recent situation with his son from previous marriage revealed who he really is.

    I loved my husband unconditionally, did everything for him, fixed his issues, cared for his son, travelled with him, supported his business that started to grow since we came together, been there for him, covered up for him, apologized for him, got his ex’s respect him, went to war for him, wiped his butt and bent over for him selflessly, every second of every day. He brought me over to US to marry me and he seemed to be the prince charmer, doing everything to please me and speeding up our marriage and everything. He went from being broke to a millionaire in two years while we were together. Not that I take the credit for this, but it seems like he married me to look good/professional and reinforce his lies. I had a great CV too in higher education field, PR and management. Since I didn’t know what was going on (not that I was dumb, but he is very Very manipulative – he would stare into your eyes and tell you its raining outside even though its very hot, and there is no way you will doubt that it’s raining, it’s that good!).

    Here is what he has been lying about to give an idea and how it hurts me that I have been backing up his lies and protecting him:

    – he was married with two children when we were dating but pretended to be single
    – he claimed he served 22 years in US special forces
    – he had 3 past marriages that he didn’t tell me about in the beginning but gradually revealed details when I was hooked
    – he lied that he had a pregnant wife that died from cancer but it turned out she left him for molesting her and her daughter
    – he had another adult daughter a few years my junior
    – he claimed to have had an adult son that died from an auto accident which is a lie itself
    – he claimed to have been homeless for 6 months (and much more pity party)
    – he claimed his parents were bad people, he had no other relatives so that we don’t meet and they don’t reveal him
    – he broke out into a terrible skin rash that never went away after meeting his parents (probably because he was scared they would reveal him)
    – he had a criminal record that he lied to me about
    – he has a very violent past that I am scared to find out, he never talked about it, everything was military and could be forgiven
    – he stares like a predator lying about Everything and I was clueless
    – he lied about his sexual health and gave me a terrifying STD that destroyed my sex life and depleted my immune system
    – he has been boarding the plane ahead of children and sick people with a service dog claiming he was ex military and I was foolish to follow, I knew nothing of this deception
    – he was hiding me from his ex-wife who has one of her children living with us full-time
    – his ex wife was a ghost throughout our marriage threatening me and calling me a whore and I never even knew why, now i know he cheated on her with multiple women and dated me (would even marry me) while married to her
    – he has broken many corporate laws teaching students something he is not qualified to teach. he is very very good at it and comes across as very smart
    – he gains respect by telling military lies, claiming he is a financial adviser and property portfolio builder, none of which I found is true
    – he has been dating multiple women all at the same time and now I understand he only married me out of desperation and to look good and do “good”
    – he treats his teenage son like a king perhaps because he knows many of his secrets and adulteries but keeps his mouth shut
    – he pointed a gun at his son (i saved him), he pointed a gun at my dog(i saved him), he has been raging since a latest incident wanting to kill his son and ex
    – next would have been me to point a gun at and it is Not going to happen (thanks to you all)
    – i found evidence he has been seeing multiple women while dating me and he has been violent to two of his wives for sure
    – there are so many other lies I don’t want to bore you with, but I have so much evidence it would sink a commercial ship

    Having said this, I have never really had any arguments or problems with him personally, not yet, he adored me. I am so glad his son messed up, or I would have lived with this disordered person and his crazy life without knowing the truth. To cover up for all his lies, he has faking so well, I would have given him an award if there was such a thing.

    When I leave and if neighbors, friends, colleagues, and everyone we come in contact with find out that he has been lying about so many things (everyone knows all his lies but they surely think it’s the truth, just like the rain), he will go down the drain.

    Now I have no intention of mocking him or shaming him. I have done a lot of research and figure this could be genetic. My father has Alzheimer’s and I cannot blame him or get upset if he does not remember my birthday and eventually forgets my name too, I get shivers typing this. As much as I understand this is highly antisocial, I cannot flash this man down the toilet because I loved him for 4 long years since I have known him. I know he has given me STD that I suffer from every day and I know he has lied to me for so many things, but in respect to all the beautiful moments we spent together without me knowing that he has been lying to me, I don’t want to destroy his life, his career and his future. I could be asking for a compensation instead in my letter, which is fair. He took that money from students, I would return it in form of international scholarships. He walked down the isle for the wrong reasons but I don’t want him to walk down the isle in the prison. He was not capable of love as I read with tears in my eyes, but not knowing who he was, I felt like there was someone who I belonged. It made me feel so safe and loved. It made me feel that I belonged. It’s been 4 years since I have met him. He looked deep down into my eyes and said “I love you baby, you mean everything to me” and used me, and abused me sexually, but I never had a clue since he was doing it so “well” with “love” that is incomprehensible, I couldn’t figure out. Now I know he had no love for me and I will be upset with him for the rest of my life. I just pity him and in my letter I can perhaps give him tips on how he can possibly work on himself to become a better man and gradually stop lying. What do you think? I am also considered an immigrant and I wish they needed a background check for him too when he filed a petition for an alien fiancee. I moved from London leaving everything behind for him, I could live anywhere with him, it seems like he has gone through so much for me too. I knew he did it for selfish reasons, but I never knew that. I don’t know what to do. If he goes through court and colleagues, neighbors find out who he really is, his life will be over. I am thinking I might not care once I leave, but since he is very very good at lying, has great communication and sales skill, if i don’t expose him, he will be just fine. At the same time, this would not be ethical, but he doesn’t understand what ethics means I am sure. I don’t know if he could at least stop talking about military. He has been lying for decades probably, but how can you steal from little children whose father’s have perished for this country! I could never live with such a man.

    Please help me.

    Thank you.

  • #42164

    Donna Andersen

    Rosy – I am so glad that Lovefraud has helped you. Your husband is a complete psychopath and has absolutely no interest in changing. Do not write him a letter explaining your feelings – it will do no good, and could enrage him. If he is pointing guns at his son and your dog, he could point it at you as well – and who will protect you?

    Just get away as soon as you can, and worry about the technicalities of the divorce later. But do not warn him of your intentions.

  • #42193


    You own this sociopath NOTHING!! Save yourself hon & get out. This sociopath will have to deal with his own misdeeds whether it’s going to prison or not. This is not your problem.

    He used “pity play manipulation” (google) on you to control you. ALL sociopaths use pity play manipulation. He’s a con artist!!!

    PLEASE get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline and your local abuse center to get out of this relationship. He is dangers!! So dont do this along. In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE. Look up “Domestic abuse Safety Plan” and “Domestic abuse Exit plan” and also with the words you tube to watch videos.

    I’m sorry that you have endured such hell. You are doing the right thing to escape his evil grips. You see the truth!!

    Wishing you all the best.

    • #42254


      Thank you Both, I appreciate your responses.

  • #42568


    Hello all,
    I am happy to have escaped my psychopath husband and posted a question on the forum about a smear campaign he has started,
    Going through lovefraud trainings, I expected that something like this would happen, but I thought to myself, maybe my husband is different…he loved me so much he would not want to hurt me, besides i have not done anything wrong to deserve an attitude like that. How wrong was I!
    If there are other emotional coping strategies (I learned tapping helps), i would appreciate an advice.
    Thank you.

  • #42595


    Hello everyone I’m lola22 and new here

    I have discovered I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for 3 years.. The warning signs were there from day one and I didn’t see them or lets say I did but Mr super manipulator had every angle covered..
    Here’s how it began..

    I met him at work although we don’t directly work together our paths cross every now and then.. he came to my department got me on my own and turned on the charm, he asked me to email him.. I didn’t, I wasn’t interested in him or a relationship.. besides he wasn’t my type, very good looking, super sexy smile, gorgeous eyes.. very muscular body builder (which I’ve always hated) way out of my league. I asked him if he was married.. he said no. 2 weeks later he came back asking why I hadn’t emailed him.. I said I didn’t want to.. he got my email of the work system and started emailing me.. I replied. Big mistake no 1.. well by the end of the day he had my phone number and constantly texted (about 50 that night) we went for lunch a week later.. during this lunch he told me he had two children with a woman who had got cancer, she lived with her parents as she couldn’t cope with the kids and the kids lived with him (pity play) he told me everything about him and I told him all about me.. I thought he was lovely and the hooks were in.. He asked me not to say anything to anyone as he didn’t want people gossiping about us until we were comfortable in our relationship!! Why didn’t I see that red flag waving right in my face!!
    Over the course of the next 6 months he texted constantly, told me he loved me very quickly and seemed devoted but said he had to focus on his kids.. sex was unbelievable (I now know that’s common with these men) next came the statement that the kids mum had moved back in, how could he refuse she owned half the house and is the kids mum!! Guess what.. she never moved out.. he told me they didn’t sleep in the same room.. they do.. he doesn’t even hide that now.. says he can’t leave his kids (that is my saving grace) he went from being perfect to a monster, he called me a prostitute in a fit of rage like none I’d ever seen then denied he said it (gaslighting) there were many many more I began to think I was losing my mind and in a way I was.. to him!! He once said.. I can do anything I want to you and you’ll never leave me!! I know for definate he cheated on me once.. he told me! I suspect 5 others that I found suspicious stuff, which he managed to convince me was all harmless and not what I thought.. he has made snarky comments, has put me down all in the name of ‘banter’ called me sensitive and needy when I have asked for anything that would be given freely in a normal healthy relationship.. I could go on but I’m sure the story is familiar to all us poor souls who eventually find our way here.

    So after 3 years of bending backwards for this man, promising I’d wait and keeping our relationship secret from everyone (isolation) putting up with his crap and finally realising what he is.. (The devil in disguise) I ended it and went no contact.. oh dear, one day in he turned up at my house and hounded me with emotional crap until I let him in then subjected me to a further 4 hours of manipulation.. he tried every trick in the book but finally admitted he was jealous of me, angry and bitter that I had the perfect life and he didn’t.. I looked at him and said.. I do believe that’s the first time you’ve ever told me the truth.. well done. Anyway by the end he asked if we could still be together.. I said no.. it’s over.. we said goodbye, he left. My head felt like it would explode.. I felt numb, not happy, not sad, not angry.. nothing!! Within an hour the texts started.. another two hours of shit.. I said I can’t do this anymore.. leave me alone, he replied I’ll come over on Thursday.. I texted back.. NO
    And that’s where this drama stands right now.. I have signed up for therapy and joined support groups.. I know I’m in for the battle of my life.. because unbelievably I’d still have him back.. it was that good but deep down I know it’s a lie.. a great big lie!! The worst thing is before him I would never have put up with any of this from anyone.. I had a reputation for being ruthless if relationships weren’t working.. that I would just walk away with no hard feelings but that I wouldn’t accept poor behaviour, what the hell happened with this man that made me not only accept it but be grateful for it!! It’s mind boggling

    So dear ‘friends’ I need help and support through this battle, is there anyone who can hold my hand as I walk through this minefield?

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