How to leave?

[ParadiseParticipant]

Dear Donna,

I’ve relied on this community for ten years and am thankful for life-saving, impactful support. I’ve worked my way towards getting out of a current 5-year relationship with an SP to the point where I’m usually at a physical distance several states away albeit being publicly-accessible information, my financial information is secure, my family is extricated. I’m still subject to the compulsive texting/calling, however, is it best to drift away gradually, all of a sudden with no announcement, or to verbalize my leaving? Thank you, Paradise

[Donna AndersenKeymaster]

Paradise – I’m glad Lovefraud has helped you. And I’m glad you’re getting distance from the person.

About how to end it – you should stop responding, although there is a choice about how you go about it.

You could just stop, with no explanation.

Or you could say, one time, do not contact me again, and then stop responding. The reason to use this approach may be if you feel like you’ll need to get some kind of restraining order – you may need evidence that you told him to stop.

If you don’t think a restraining order will be necessary or useful – often they aren’t – it may be best to just stop responding.

But the key is to stop completely. Do not ignore 31 text messages, and then after the 32nd text message, tell him to leave you alone. If you do that, you will teach him that you will respond after 32 text messages. Be sure to stop completely.

[slimoneParticipant]

I have found, if there are zero legal ties, that saying leave me alone ONE TIME, and then never responding is best. Also, if you are able, change your contact info. Get a new #, new email. If that isn’t possible, don’t read the incoming stuff from the sociopath. Just delete it and move on.

I found if I read the emails and texts I was VERY tempted to respond. And the key to getting them to leave you alone is to simple not ever interact with them.

[liberty7Participant]

I realized my current fiance is a sociopath about 3 weeks ago through reading and researching and trying to figure out why he had changed so drastically. I have been working through so many different emotions from minute to minute, heartbreak, disbelief, anger, etc. The abuse moved to sexual abuse, on top of emotional, mental, and financial abuse. We are on a lease together and I haven’t kicked him out yet, but am hoping I get up the strength to within the next week. I see so clearly through his facade and lies now, it breaks my heart to know nothing was ever real with him. I am exhausted and drained in so many ways. I want to end it, but at the same time I am having a very hard time letting go and can’t get my head to understand that, even though I know the truth about him. I am so hurt.

[slimoneParticipant]

liberty7,

The realization is devastating on multiple levels. Finding out that there is a mental illness that renders people unable to love and care and empathize is awful. Understanding that you have been abused by one of these people is a horror show. And it immediately starts us on a path of serious grief (disbelief, bargaining, anger, and finally acceptance).

Please, if you are so inclined, stay here at Lovefraud. Read as many articles as you can here and elsewhere. There are tons of great articles in the archives. Also, this community of folks are super supportive, and will understand even your most confusing and personal feelings and experiences. You really can pour you heart out here.

Slim

[nancyw1234Participant]

Dear Liberty,
I am in the same boat as you , except that I filed for divorce finally after 25 yrs. I still can’t believe and I guess don’t want to believe that he is a sociopath. The reason being is that we still have to love together during the process and he is trying to be so nice and helpful and caring . So this makes me feel bad then causes all of these emotions to rise including wishing that maybe we could stay married and that this would work out. But this only lasts until he has to do something that he does not want to and the mask comes off again for a quick second . The most helpful thing I have found is to document on your phone all of the things he has done and said to upset you and the dates. Then when you are confused , look back on it …. because what is also common is our ability to forget and forgive and allow the cycle to continue.. hang in there … focus on the facts

[liberty7Participant]

Thank you for your replies. My heart breaks for all of you who have or are going through this. I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now too, Nancy, especially after 25 years. Thank you for the suggestion to document what he has done and said, I think that will really help. Mine too pulls out the charm just at the right moment until any sort of responsibility comes up or he doesn’t get what he wants, then the mask is off and the cruelty begins. He prides himself on being able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and how life is just so easy for him and how much he likes winning. Of course it is, because he has been living like a parasite off of me. He has taken so much from me in every aspect. He has even gone as far as stealing jewelry and a t.v. And when I questioned him, he just got that stupid smirk on his face and asked me what I am talking about, as if I didn’t really have the t.v. or the jewelry. I was going to kick him out this weekend, but I couldn’t get my head to overrule my heart, because of course he turned on the charm. It is an ongoing battle and exhausting. You are absolutely right, I need to focus on the facts and get there mentally. I think they really do get pleasure out of their games they play and getting away with all the stuff they do behind our backs. It makes me sick to my stomach that these type of people can be so cruel, yet feel nothing. One fact that I realized is that once you see through the mask, you can’t unsee it. I see his fakeness in everything he does and says now. I know I need to get out, I am just struggling with it and I don’t know why.

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