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I Am A Mess. He Dumped Me.

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  julianastar 9 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #41380

    julianastar
    Participant

    I did not even suspect he was an SP. We have been together 6 years. He has lived out of state to go to rehab and sober living the last 2. We have not seen each other in 2 years, but talked 3 times a day till 3 months ago. He was supposed to be moving back here to start fresh and eventually get married. 3 months ago he started pulling away. Never texting or answering my texts, calling with no time to talk or not calling at all. I started doing background check but everything was fine except he had a couple of aliases, which I knew about. It struck me odd that none of the background checks showed him living in the state he was in. Than I started checking the dating sites. He was on the very 1st one. Looking for a long term relationship. And it was the 3rd profile which meant he was on it that day. And it was all lies. He called and I confronted him. He actually had a picture of us with my head cut out as his profile pic. When confronted, he lied 3 times and I told him that was not possible. One lie was “Oh that was before I met you”. Like duh..that is our picture on your profile. So after 2 more ridiculous lies that i proved him to be lying, he said “Thats it!!! I tried to make this work longer than I should have! I am done!! And he hung up on me. That was 3 weeks ago. He shut off his phone, wont answer my texts and hasnt called. Now I am going crazy bc we had plans for when he came back. I started whining and crying on Facebook, sending him emotionally charged texts, to which he read but never answered. So 3 weeks go by and during that time one of my Fb friends said he sounds like an SP. So I researched it and it was him. He is an SP. I wrote him yesterday and said I need some closure. I need to know the truth bc its like he turned the lights off and I have been in the dark for 3 weeks. This am he called and I was outside. He left a message saying “im calling but I dont know what to say” Like real sarcastic. It pushed the knife deeper into my heart and i am angry as heck and crushed. I am not young. I am in my mid 50’s as is he. Now I have bad PTSD from being kidnapped tortured raped and left for dead in a field in the 1980’s and 10 years later i was on a 3rd date with a guy I really liked. He brought his friends and they drugged me and raped me all night long. When morning came, they threw my ynderwear on my head. When i was finally able to move, I sat up and there were about 20 used condoms in my bed and on the floor. It took 3 suicide attemps, 2 nervous breakdowns, and 10 years of therapy just to be able to go out alone without having a major panic attack. The morning the rapists left, I felt like a used condom. I feel like a used condom now and have for 3 weeks. I cant get out of bed. I eat very little and its junk food at midnight, and than i cant get to sleep tilll 4:00 am. I wont leave the house and have major panic attacks daily. I am having one right now. Why did he do this to me? I feel so filthy and dirty. Like a piece of garbage. And he is still in control bc he has cut me off communicationwise. I cant even take a little control back. I have so much pent up anger and heartbreak and no way to release it. I am having flashbacks of both the kidnapping and the date rape. I feel like a used condom and all I want is revenge. Plus I am still in love with him. Tell me where to begin. I am afraid that this is going to kill me. My health is bad. My blood pressure has been 160/100 for 3 months now and that is with doubling my BP meds 2 months ago. I am a mess.

  • #41409

    josh1jacob
    Participant

    I am so sorrry for what you’ve been through and what you’re going through now. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it’s a blessing that he is gone. No contact is the best way to start yore journey to healing. I am 47 and invested 12 years on a sociopath/psychopath. Learning that the entire 12 years was a lie also left me numb and heart broken. About 5 years ago I felt as if I were going crazy. He was gaslighting me all those years. I never even heard of gaslighting but soon I spent hours, days and years researching this and finally have accepted that I was taken for an emotional, verbal, spiritual, and physical ride that only got worse year after year. Every discard was worse than the last. I’ve never been in so much pain. It took a toll on my mind any body. Leaving me in a brain fog for years and draining every bit of energy from me. I too experienced many sexual violations growing up. I never quite dealt with them thinking time will take those memories away and I could move on. That didn’t happen. All it did was left me vulnerable to a narcissistic psychopath digging his claws in my emotional and mental state and now 12 years later I am literally “crawling” out. I too have gone to therapy for years.
    You can and you will live again. Just believe in yourself and know that you are not damaged forever. You were a victim of an evil human being. You have no fault. All you can do for yourself now is SELF-LOVE and healing. Please try to not have any contact with him. None of his words were real.

    I finally realized that I deserve better. I allowed him to break down my self-esteem to were I felt worthless and good for nothing.
    I took steps to educate myself and how I got here. I now accept that none of our relationship was real, it was all a game.

    I’ve read and listened to close to 50 books and continue therapy to help me cope with my bad days. There will be bad days but I promise the fog will lift. The one thing I never did was join a support group of survivors and it by far has to be the BEST move I made. Please try and find one near you. Find a TRUSTED friend or family member and talk to them. I don’t think talking to many people about it is good only because they could never understand what you’ve been through. Only another person who’s experienced such torment can relate. That’s where the support group is vital.
    You have many years of life to live. Don’t lose that because someone so evil is now out of your life.

    You can recover!

    • #41450

      julianastar
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for sharing your experience with me. I am so sorry for the pain you endured, and am glad you have reached a point where you accepted that you were a victim. I hate the word victim. It gives them control. Lets use survivor.
      I just wanted revenge so bad. But that is fading. I keep telling myself “success is the best revenge”.
      For some reason, when i get on this forum, it takes forever to type. The keys hang.
      So, I am going to try to find out why bc its making me crazy.
      Thanks again for sharing and for your advice. I am so sorry for what you have been through. (((BIG HUG)))

  • #41422

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    It is a blessing he is gone.

    • #41451

      julianastar
      Participant

      I know one day i will realize that. Thankyou.

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