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I am recovering …

This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  bigred 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #46389

    bigred
    Participant

    I was & will be again a strong, secure, tenacious, caring, giving, transparent & creative ROCK for myself & my children. I will never apologize for that. I have been dating a narcissist for 19 months (him – “19 months? If you say so”). He left me alone every holiday. He was in love with me by the 4th date. Him – “you know we’re going to get married.” Me – I believe you have to ask me first. Him – we’ll be living together by XX, then XXX, then XXX – (moving goal posts). We NEVER spent more than 3 days together. We always discussed that conversation was so important to me, even during the challenging times and that silence was death for me. What did I get? Silence as a form of punishment. I even commented to him at some point, is this your way of passively punishing me? Him – silence. Cancelled dates, etc….

    I was strong enough to begin researching his behavior by the 16th month and slowly – ever so slowly – started extracting myself from the situation. By the 19th month, I only responded when he texted, answered when he called, etc. The contact was no longer initiated by me. BOY, did I learn what real narcissistic rage was at that point. He was screaming, accusatory, attacking and completely turned the tables – “You ended this relationship” (I didn’t), “I loved you” (past tense and I question whether he did), “I’m sure you’re badmouthing me to everyone you know” (never – I was supportive, caring, giving, loving even when everyone saw the red flags but me), “Stop with the crocodile tears because they’re fake” (they were VERY real) but now I’ve learned that those were all things he was doing to prop himself back up.

    I had removed him from his throne….After 4 hours of tears, crying and more research, I knew I had to end things in my way (with kindness) but also make him think I was weak. I’ve learned they hate weakness. He was very kind the day after the rage but I knew it was not real. We agreed to meet on Saturday – can you guess? Yes, of course he cancelled – something came up and “who would have known?”

    The next morning I sent him a voice message simply stating that “This wasn’t enough for me. I need more. I am not strong enough. I’m stepping away.” He immediately called – I did not answer.

    I am recovering – slowly.

  • #46399

    angelstar
    Participant

    Sounds like what he is doing is being passive aggressive and stonewalling you, those are all sociopathic traits. Sociopaths feed off of negative energy, it boots their ego. Stay far away from him.

  • #46400

    bigred
    Participant

    Thank you angel star – I believe he could be dangerous but also know/believe that he has many other suppliers out there waiting in the wings.

  • #46402

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Bigred,

    You state:

    “I was & will be again a strong, secure, tenacious, caring, giving, transparent & creative ROCK for myself & my children.”

    YES you will!!! 💜💜💜💜

    You are making amazing steps out of this abusive relationship!! So Pat yourself on the back. You had a light bulb moment that lead you to research his horrible abusive behavior, which lead you to this wonderful site Lovefraud and most importantly, you had the courage to post your story here today. These are HUGE steps hon!! So be very proud of yourself as you are no longer in denial & under his evil spell. 🌺

    Do a search here on love fraud & the net:

    gas lighting abuse
    sociopath triangulation
    sociopath smear campaign
    sociopath NO contact rule
    National Domestic abuse hotline website

    I would recommend that you watch the videos up at the top of Lovefraud and also look at the Book Store tab and buy Donna’s book Lovefruad 10 signs you are dating a sociopath.

    The more you read, the more you will open up your mind from his brain washing & Mind control.

    You state:
    We NEVER spent more than 3 days together

    Was this guy married or living with someone else??

    If you truly want to heal, you have to follow the NO contact rule asap. This means you block him from your phone, email, text etc. If he comes to your home you dont answer the door. It’s not easy to impose the No contact rule but once you have time to clear your mind from his daily chaos & drama you will see that the No contact rule will bring you Peace & calmness.

    Please remember that the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is either leaving her abuser or has just left. You can get help for a Safety & Exit plan out of this abusive relationship simply by calling you country’s Domestic abuse hotline. In the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE (free counseling)

    Also look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms sites like DrLam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org have good info & symptoms list.

    Wishing you all the best. 💜🌺💜

    • #46452

      bigred
      Participant

      Hi Jan7 – such kind words – thank you. He hasn’t reached out and if he does, I will not respond. I am much stronger than he ever thought. As for your question “Was this guy married?” Well, he told me he had been alone for 5 years. Always referred to her as his Ex but come to find out in month 19 – YUP – he’s still married. They’re separated. I believe that she is still his primary supply.

      My heart breaks for her….

  • #46404

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Bigred – welcome to Lovefraud. The circumstances that brought you here were painful, but here is information and support to help you recover.

    The key, as Jan says, is No Contact. The longer you are away from him, the more your mind will start to clear and you will see the ugly truth of his behavior. Do not respond to anything. No Contact should be your mantra!

  • #46449

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    yes, the key is no contact.

    • #46454

      bigred
      Participant

      Sunnygal – thank you. I can promise you all that No Contact is ingrained in not only my mind but my soul at this point.

      I realized I was becoming emotionally unhealthy and took a step back and said – wait – I’m not ok. That was my turning point.

      Not only am I an empath, I am also a Sensitive. I didn’t pick up on the negativity until very far into the relationship. The beginning was bliss and, sadly, I let my guard down…

      I know that with the support of close friends and family – he didn’t get near them – I will be stronger than ever.

      • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  bigred.
  • #46453

    bigred
    Participant

    Donna Anderson – thank you. The welcome has been amazing. Luckily, I am a research fanatic and found the site. It was a little difficult to navigate but regardless – I’m here.

    I am strong enough to go No Contact, without a doubt. He did tell me on numerous occasions though – “if you leave, you know I”ll stalk you. just kidding.” I don’t think he’s strong enough emotionally. If he rages, possibly. But he’s a weak boy in a grown mans body.

    I will be ok – soon.

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